The Psychology of Depression and Anxiety - Dr. Scott Eilers

No, You Aren’t The Only Common Denominator In All Of Your “Failed” Relationships

9 snips

Jan 30, 2026

A clear challenge to the idea that you alone cause every relationship to fail. Explores how human flaws, mismatched needs, and a chaotic world also shape outcomes. Discusses why hurt is inevitable and why repair, not avoidance, defines safety. Highlights cognitive biases and the missing data point of true relationship success rates.

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INSIGHT

The Common-Denominator Thought Is Biased

Thinking "I'm the common denominator in all failed relationships" feels logical but is biased.
Dr. Scott Eilers shows this conclusion is demonstrably false when you examine the data objectively.

INSIGHT

Human Complexity Makes Relationships Hard

All your failed relationships were with other people, and being human makes relationships hard.
Dr. Scott Eilers emphasizes that everyone brings baggage, needs, and self-centered drives that create conflict.

INSIGHT

Repair, Not Absence Of Hurt, Defines Safety

Hurt is inevitable in meaningful relationships because people are flawed.
Dr. Scott Eilers defines safety as the presence of effective repair work after hurt, not absence of hurt.

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"The common denominator in all my failed relationships is me… so I must be the problem.”

It sounds logical. It’s also massively biased.

In this episod, I break down why that conclusion doesn’t hold up, the two other common denominators you’re ignoring (hint: people and a broken world), and the missing data point that changes everything: you don’t actually know your “relationship success rate” compared to anyone else—because you only see your failures, not theirs.I talk about:

why hurt is inevitable in real relationships
why repair is the real definition of “safe”
how confirmation bias and minimization distort your self-image
why a relationship ending ≠ a relationship “failing”
the “home runs vs at-bats” analogy that makes this click fast

If you’ve been using relationships as evidence that you’re unlovable or broken—this is a necessary reset.

If my podcast has helped, my new book, The Light Between the Leaves, goes even deeper

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About me:

I know what it is to feel hopelessly stuck and worthless to the world in general. I also know what it is to live without those feelings. I’m both a Clinical Psychology specializing in treatment-resistant depression and anxiety, and a human who has spent more than a decade managing sever depression and anxiety.

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Disclaimer: This content is not intended to be a replacement for receiving treatment. It is purely educational in nature. My relationship with you is that of presenter and audience, not therapist and client.

But I do care.