Modern Wisdom

Why Children of Divorce Grow Into Broken Adults - Erica Komisar - #1081

929 snips
Apr 6, 2026
Guest
Erica Komisar
Erica Komisar, psychoanalyst and parenting author, explores why divorce can hit children far harder than adults expect. She gets into chronic conflict, stress on brain development, why 50-50 custody for babies may backfire, vulnerable ages for separation, self-blame in kids, and why stability, attachment, and emotional presence matter more than fairness between parents.
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Chronic Parental Conflict Harms Kids More Than Divorce

  • Divorce universally destabilizes children's sense of security and permanence, testing trust in relationships and resilience.
  • Chronic parental conflict is worse than divorce; Erica Komisar says a good divorce is better than a terrible marriage because ongoing hostility damages kids more.

Delay Divorce Until After Age Three When Possible

  • If possible, delay divorce until after age three to protect rapid right-brain growth and attachment formation.
  • Komisar recommends parents hold conflict and prioritize stability through the first three years when 85% of right-brain growth occurs.

Early Stress Rewires The Brain's Stress System

  • Chronic stress in early years overactivates the amygdala and alters stress‑regulation architecture, reducing later resilience.
  • Komisar explains stress in infancy can shrink stress‑regulating circuits so adults struggle with anxiety, depression, and attentional problems.
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