Stable routines matter more than equal splits

Erica Komisar is a psychoanalyst, parenting expert, and author.

Why do we assume kids will be okay after divorce? As separation becomes more common, the long-term impact on a child’s development is often overlooked. So what actually happens, and can divorce ever be done without damage?

Expect to learn what most adults misunderstand about how deeply divorce affects kids, why constant parental conflict causes damage to children so deeply and what it does to a child’s stress system and brain development, why 50-50 custody might be a terrible idea for children, what the long-term psychological consequences are from a neglectful parent and much more…

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Timestamps:

(0:00) Why is Erica’s Work So Controversial? (1:22) The Hidden Impacts of Divorce on Children (4:19) How Stress Reshapes a Child’s Brain (11:05) Is a Friendly Divorce Still Damaging? (14:22) Is 50/50 Custody Always the Right Choice? (22:13) Should Fathers Take a Step Back After Divorce? (26:18) Is There Ever a Right Time to Divorce? (30:52) How Divorce Shapes a Child’s Future (33:04) Boys vs Girls: Who Does Divorce Hit Harder? (34:57) Is Separation During Pregnancy Dangerous? (42:02) Why Children Blame Themselves for Divorce (50:47) Divorce Feels Like Grief For Children (52:25) When Should You Tell the Kids? (54:26) The Worst Ways to Explain Divorce to Children (59:27) Why Promises Can Backfire (01:01:19) What Makes a Divorce “Good” or “Bad”? (01:05:22) Why Stability Matters More Than You Think (01:08:31) How Much Time Should Each Parent Get? (01:14:15) Why Babies' Needs Must Come First (01:19:06) How Parents Can Stay Emotionally Steady (01:21:36) What Secure Attachment Really Looks Like (01:27:58) How the Feminist Movement Left Children Behind (01:35:09) Is Daycare the Worst Place For Children? (01:38:21) We Can’t Ignore Early Attachment (01:40:13) Are Attachment Styles Inherited? (01:41:17) Are Babies Born Aggressive? (01:49:54) How Children Cope With Absence (01:53:25) The Hard Truth About Sacrifice in Parenting (01:59:34) The Toughest Realisations For Modern Mothers (02:09:16) Why Trust is the Foundation of Parenting (02:13:17) The Hidden Challenges of Female Breadwinners (02:23:26) Why Emotional Presence Matters Just as Much as Physical (02:29:33) Where to Find Erica

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