Playing With Fire 240 The Alchemy of Erotic Jealousy & Compersion: A Reverse-Interview with Dr. Marie Thouin & Dr. Joli Hamilton
If you’ve ever been turned on by feelings of jealousy, you are so not alone. Dr. Marie Thouin wrote the book on compersion, so she’s the perfect person to join us to get real about erotic jealousy, humiliation, being “the unchosen one,” and why some of us get hot exactly where we’ve been hurt. In this reverse interview, Joli shares candid stories from early non-monogamy and triad life, using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealousy, and how disposability, comparison, and attachment wounds all show up in her erotic life.
They also dig into the ethics and weirdness of fantasizing about real people (including metamours), the idea of “participatory jealousy,” and what it really takes to play with this energy without burning everything down. You’ll hear about kink as a tool for transformation, what happens in the “underworld” of big feelings, and how new erotic experiences can actually rewire old wounds—and make more room for compersion, nuance, and genuine choice in how you relate to jealousy.
In this episode, we talk about:
— Jealousy as a source of turn-on rather than a problem to fix
— The relationship between jealousy, shame, and the struggle for Compersion
— Joli’s personal journey with jealousy in early non-monogamy and triad living
— Using masturbation and fantasy to work with jealous feelings
— The erotic charge of disposability, being “unchosen,” and humiliation
— How attachment wounds and humiliation kink intersect with jealousy
— Ethical questions about fantasizing about real people (including metamours)
— Using placeholders/roles vs. specific individuals in erotic imagination
— The idea of “participatory jealousy” and reclaiming agency
— Alchemizing jealousy into something transformative (using a Jungian/alchemical lens)
— The role of safety, trust, and betrayal in whether jealousy play can be healing
— Kink as a tool for psychological transformation, not just sensation
— Memory reconsolidation and how new erotic experiences can rewrite old wounds
— Keeping metamours present in the imagination to support compersion
Resources mentioned in this episode:
— Justin Lehmiller’s research on sexual fantasies
— Joli’s guest episode on Girl Boner Radio with August McLaughlin
— Episode 215 Nurturing Established Relationship Energy
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Music: Dance of Felt by Blue Dot Sessions