4 Ways to Love the People You Disagree With

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Oct 20, 2025

Explore the realms of contempt and its detrimental effects on societal connections. Discover how to replace disdain with love, making relationships with those you disagree with more impactful. Learn about the Dark Triad personality traits that exacerbate conflict, and uncover methods to break the cycle of contempt. Engage actively with gratitude and warm-heartedness, while standing firm in your convictions. Get practical tips on how to improve interactions by practicing appreciation and embracing disagreement as a chance for growth.

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ANECDOTE

Personalizing Political Attacks

Brooks recalls his progressive parents and how insults toward opponents felt like personal attacks on them.
He used that feeling to argue people should 'take contempt personally' and defend those they love against their own side.

insights

INSIGHT

Anger Means You Still Care

Anger signals care and investment, so anger alone doesn't predict relationship breakdown or political division.
Brooks warns that anger combined with disgust (contempt) is the corrosive force to watch.

insights

INSIGHT

Disgust Turns Disagreement Into Enemy-Making

Disgust evolved to avoid pathogens but treating people as pathogens creates contempt and permanent enemies.
Brooks links this emotion mix to eye-rolling, sarcasm, and political dehumanization.

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Contempt vs. Disagreement

00:30 • 3min

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Motive Attribution Asymmetry Explained

03:04 • 3min

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Evidence from Personal Talks

06:02 • 4min

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Standing Up to Your Own Side

10:22 • 2min

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Take Contempt Personally

12:26 • 4min

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Why People Stay Silent

16:32 • 3min

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Contempt: Anger Plus Disgust

19:26 • 6min

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Contempt in Everyday Conversation

25:55 • 43sec

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Dark Triad Actors Online

26:38 • 3min

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Habits Reinforce Contempt

29:22 • 4min

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Reprogramming Bad Habits

33:32 • 2min

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What to Do Instead of Contempt

35:40 • 4min

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Practice Warm-Heartedness

39:12 • 3min

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Four Practical Assignments

42:38 • 16sec

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Disagree Better, Not Less

Go Toward Contempt with Love

44:49 • 1min

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Gottman's Five-to-One Rule Applied

46:01 • 51sec

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Gratitude Neutralizes Contempt

Q&A on Dark Triads and Family Estrangement

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The Power of Habit

Why We Do What We Do in Life and Business

Charles Duhigg

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How to Win Friends and Influence People

Dale Carnegie

First published in 1936, 'How to Win Friends and Influence People' by Dale Carnegie is a timeless guide to improving interpersonal skills. The book is divided into four main sections: Six Ways to Make People Like You, Twelve Ways to Win People to Your Way of Thinking, and Nine Ways to Change People Without Giving Offense or Arousing Resentment. Carnegie's principles emphasize the importance of genuine interest in others, active listening, and avoiding criticism and argument. The book offers practical advice on how to build strong relationships, communicate effectively, and influence others by aligning their self-interest with yours. It has been a cornerstone of personal development and business success for generations.

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Love Your Enemies

How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt

Arthur C Brooks

In 'Love Your Enemies,' Arthur C. Brooks argues that the current culture of contempt in America, fueled by divisive politics and social media, is not a path to lasting success. Instead, he proposes a strategy based on bridging divides and mending relationships. Brooks combines behavioral research, ancient wisdom, and his experience leading a top policy think tank to offer unconventional prescriptions for bringing America together. He emphasizes that disagreement is essential for excellence and that civility and tolerance are insufficient goals; what matters most is how we choose to act towards those we disagree with.

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The As If Principle

Richard Wiseman

America doesn’t have an anger problem. We have a contempt problem.

In this episode of Office Hours, I talk about how we can bring more love and happiness into a world that feels increasingly bitter and divided. Too often, contempt fills the space where love could exist. When we choose to love those who disagree with us, we not only make the world better, but we also make our own lives happier.

A lot of what I share today draws from my book Love Your Enemies: How Decent People Can Save America from the Culture of Contempt (2019). I reflect on what I’ve learned about standing up for those we oppose, and why real change starts when we take contempt personally. I hope you walk away from this episode remembering that behind every cruel remark or dehumanizing label is a person with inherent worth and dignity.

In the episode, I will also explore a psychological concept known as the Dark Triad—a trio of personality traits that can fuel conflict and polarization. If you're curious about how these traits show up in yourself or others, you can take a quick quiz at arthurbrooks.com/darktriads to see where you land.

We’d love to hear any feedback you have. Please email us at officehours@arthurbrooks.com. And please leave a review on Apple or Spotify. Thanks for listening!

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• LinkedIn: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠https://www.linkedin.com/in/arthur-c-brooks/⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

• Email: ⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠officehours@arthurbrooks.com⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠⁠

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