Episode 263: Let’s Talk About Sexual Fantasies

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Feb 2, 2024

In this insightful discussion, Rena Martine, a women's intimacy coach and former sex crimes attorney, unpacks the intriguing world of sexual fantasies. She addresses the difference between fantasies and desires, emphasizing that even simple wishes count. Rena provides tools for overcoming shame, using apps to enhance communication, and exploring desires through low-stakes steps. Listeners learn how to approach adventurous scenarios like threesomes and kink, prioritizing their needs in a fun, shame-free manner.

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ADVICE

Use Technology To Safely Explore

Use sex-tech and synced toys to simulate scenarios and safely provoke emotions like jealousy.
Let technology provide a stepwise, controlled way to explore fantasies without involving real partners immediately.

INSIGHT

Simple Wishes Are Fantasies Too

Fantasies need not be elaborate; everyday sexual wishes count as fantasies.
Asking 'what would I like my sex life to look like?' often reveals fantasies people don't label as such.

INSIGHT

Fantasies Aren't Only Visual

Some people experience fantasies as narratives rather than visual images, especially with aphantasia.
Fantasies can take many forms beyond mental pictures, like stories or feelings.

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Almost everyone has sexual fantasies—and has them often. But most of us have questions about our fantasies, including what they really mean, how to share them with a partner, and how to go about turning them into reality. In this episode, we’re going to do a deep dive into the world of fantasies. Among other things, we’ll discuss what to do when you have shame or trauma connected to your fantasies, how you can use technology to facilitate open communication about fantasies, as well as what you need to know if you’re thinking about acting on your fantasies.

I am joined once again by Rena Martine, a women’s intimacy coach, former Sex Crimes Deputy District Attorney for the Los Angeles County D.A.’s Office, and author of The Sex You Want: A Shameless Journey to Deep Intimacy, Honest Pleasure, and a Life You Love.

Some of the questions we explore in this episode include:

What is the difference between a sexual fantasy and a sexual desire?
Do fantasies need to be elaborate or “fantastical” in order to count as fantasies?
How can we get rid of the shame we may have surrounding our fantasies?
What are some ways we can make sure our sexual needs and desires are prioritized?
How can a newbie who is interested in threesomes or kink start exploring these fantasies?

Make sure to check out Rena’s website to learn more about her work.

Got a sex question? Send me a podcast voicemail to have it answered on a future episode at speakpipe.com/sexandpsychology

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Thank you to our sponsors!

Flure Dating App: Explore & Own Your Desires – https://flure.com

The Kinsey Institute at Indiana University has been a trusted source for scientific knowledge and research on critical issues in sexuality, gender, and reproduction for over 75 years. Learn about more research and upcoming events at kinseyinstitute.org or look for them on social media @kinseyinstitute.

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Credits: Precision Podcasting (Podcast editing) and Shutterstock/Florian (Music). Image created with Canva; photos used with permission of guest.