What happens in the moment a child finally says something is wrong?
For many children experiencing abuse, it takes years to speak up - if they ever do. And when they finally tell someone, the response they receive can shape the rest of their healing.
In this powerful conversation, Dr Justin Coulson speaks with body-safety educator and survivor John Cardamone about what children actually need to feel safe enough to disclose abuse - and the critical mistakes adults often make in the first moments after a child tells them.
John shares his own experience of abuse as a child, the two years it took him to speak up, and the simple but life-changing framework every parent should know if a child ever confides in them.
This is a difficult topic - but one every parent needs to understand.
KEY POINTS
- Most children who experience sexual abuse know the person involved.
- Many children try to disclose through behaviour before words.
- Kids are far more likely to speak up when they feel safe, connected, and heard in everyday moments.
- The way parents respond to small problems trains children whether it’s safe to share bigger ones.
- Traditional “stranger danger” messaging can miss the reality that abuse is usually committed by someone known to the child.
- Body safety education should be ongoing, simple, and part of everyday conversation.
- A parent’s first response to a disclosure can either start the healing process or deepen the trauma.
QUOTE OF THE EPISODE
“The way you respond to a disclosure can either start the healing process… or prolong the trauma.”
RESOURCES MENTIONED
ACTION STEPS FOR PARENTS
- Create safety in everyday moments. How you respond to spilled milk, mistakes, or bad behaviour teaches children whether it’s safe to talk to you.
- Talk about body safety regularly. Make it an ongoing conversation rather than a single serious talk.
- Focus on “strange behaviours,” not just strangers. Most abuse happens with someone the child knows.
- If a child discloses something difficult, stay calm. Children mirror the emotional reactions of adults.
- Follow the “BeCalmer” approach.
- Be calm
- Believe them
- Acknowledge what they said
- Validate their feelings
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