Why disagreement often feels like winning or losing

If you’ve ever ended an argument with your partner, coworker, or family member feeling confused about how it escalated so quickly, this episode is for you. 

Julia Minson, founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab and author of How to Disagree Better, explains to us why trying to “win” arguments often starts fights and offers a different metric for success: a disagreement that increases both people’s willingness to talk again. 

Drawing on her work on naive realism and research on receptiveness, she discusses why differences feel threatening, how listening is hard to perceive in conflict, and how language can signal receptivity using the HEAR framework. Listen in to learn evidence-based tools to make hard conversations in your life more constructive.

Listen and Learn: 

• Julia’s upbringing in a family of psychologists, her immigrant experience, and her years as a ballroom dancer, and why people can share the same moment yet see it completely differently, making disagreement inevitable
• Why a truly constructive disagreement isn’t about “winning” or changing minds, but about improving mutual willingness to continue the conversation and deepening understanding
• Naive realism and the tendency to assume our perceptions are objectively correct, which underlies everyday conflicts, because everyone thinks “I get it” and struggles to see others’ perspectives
• How true receptiveness works, not just thinking receptively, but expressing it clearly through language so others genuinely feel heard, especially in conflict or disagreement
• How to use the HEAR framework to communicate receptively and build stronger relationships
• Julia’s Hawk story and how approaching disagreements with curiosity rather than judgment can turn tense or potentially divisive moments into understanding, connection, and even common ground

Resources: 

• How to Disagree Better: https://bookshop.org/a/30734/9780593855003
• Julia’s Websites: https://disagreeingbetter.com/ and https://www.juliaminson.com/ 
• Connect with Julia on Social Media: 
• https://www.linkedin.com/in/julia-minson-5b511b150/
• https://twitter.com/juliaminson 
• Take The Measure of Receptivity:https://receptiveness.net/survey.html 

About Julia Minson: 

Julia Minson is a professor of public policy at Harvard Kennedy School and founder of the Constructive Disagreement Lab, where she studies what she calls the "psychology of disagreement" — how we actually engage with views that conflict with our own, especially on the hot-button stuff: politics, values, health decisions.

Her new book, How to Disagree Better, starts from a counterintuitive premise: we're drowning in advice on how to win arguments, but Julia's research shows that trying to win is basically a guaranteed way to start a fight. Her work offers evidence-based strategies for being genuinely receptive to opposing views, which turns out to be far more effective than perfecting your persuasion game.

Related Episodes:

• 276. Assertive Communication Skills with Randy Paterson
• 281. Belonging Uncertainty and Bridging Divides with Geoffrey Cohen
• 371. Uniting Toward a Better Future with Diana McLain Smith
• 392. Outraged with Kurt Gray
• 403. Conflict Resilience with Bob Bordone and Joel Salinas

See Privacy Policy at https://art19.com/privacy and California Privacy Notice at https://art19.com/privacy#do-not-sell-my-info.