381: The Sure Thing - A strategy to prioritize intimacy with Elana Auerbach
Better Sex
Pleasure community and meeting Bill
Elana recounts joining a San Francisco pleasure community and meeting Bill, their early relationship dynamics.
Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Elana Auerbach about her book, “The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark,” and how a consistent weekly intimacy ritual can rebuild connection in long-term relationships. Elana shares her background as a “good girl” who followed an expected life path, her divorce after realizing a lack of chemistry, and later meeting her husband Bill through a San Francisco pleasure community. After years of desire mismatch, resentment, and trying typical sex advice without success, they created a weekly “sure thing” practice focused on intention, closeness, and taking 100% responsibility for one’s own pleasure rather than performance goals. They discuss responsive desire, preparation cues, the guiding question “what would be most pleasurable right now?”, working with partner resistance, addressing shame, and Elana’s “love ripples” actions to spread connection beyond the bedroom.
00:00 Show Intro
00:46 Meet Elana Auerbach
01:43 Good Girl Conveyor Belt
02:45 Marriage Without Chemistry
04:06 Choosing Divorce Truthfully
05:27 Pleasure Community Awakening
07:22 Parenthood Desire Gap
09:30 Shabbat Sure Thing Idea
11:08 Starting Weekly Practice
12:34 Why It Works Fast
13:34 Embodied Sexy Music
14:07 Midshow Coaching Break
14:35 Intentions Not Sex Goals
16:32 Creative Pleasure Mindset
17:22 Know What You Want
18:19 Sure Thing Ritual Ideas
19:30 Most Pleasurable Now
20:29 When Partners Resist
22:48 Shame On Who
24:14 Love Ripples Practice
25:27 Can Pleasure Change World
26:33 Where To Find Book
28:09 Final Thanks And Outro
How to work with Jessa: https://www.intimacywithease.com
Bio:
Elana Auerbach is a lover, mother, mentor, activist, and priestess. She spent her childhood and young adulthood on what she calls “the conveyor belt of life,” being the good girl and doing what others expected of her. This looked like graduating Phi Beta Kappa from UCLA, working on Wall Street for a Japanese investment bank, and marrying someone with whom she felt no chemistry.
It all fell apart in 2001 when Elana realized she’d been living a lie and found the courage to leave her marriage. She entered a world of sensuality and sex in a San Francisco pleasure-centered community. This is where she met Bill, who would become her loverman for life.
While Elana has a wealth of professional experience guiding people deeper into their bodies and their pleasure, The Sure Thing comes directly from her personal life. After years of frustration and failed gimmicks to try to respark the passion in her 20-year marriage, Elana created The Sure Thing. She wrote this book because she wants everyone to have access to this life altering practice.
Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.
More info and resources:
Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast
Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast
How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com
The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com
The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com
Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com
Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass
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