Shame and sexual self-acceptance

Sex therapist Jessa Zimmerman interviews Elana Auerbach about her book, “The Sure Thing: A Pleasure Practice to Revive the Spark,” and how a consistent weekly intimacy ritual can rebuild connection in long-term relationships. Elana shares her background as a “good girl” who followed an expected life path, her divorce after realizing a lack of chemistry, and later meeting her husband Bill through a San Francisco pleasure community. After years of desire mismatch, resentment, and trying typical sex advice without success, they created a weekly “sure thing” practice focused on intention, closeness, and taking 100% responsibility for one’s own pleasure rather than performance goals. They discuss responsive desire, preparation cues, the guiding question “what would be most pleasurable right now?”, working with partner resistance, addressing shame, and Elana’s “love ripples” actions to spread connection beyond the bedroom.

00:00 Show Intro

00:46 Meet Elana Auerbach

01:43 Good Girl Conveyor Belt

02:45 Marriage Without Chemistry

04:06 Choosing Divorce Truthfully

05:27 Pleasure Community Awakening

07:22 Parenthood Desire Gap

09:30 Shabbat Sure Thing Idea

11:08 Starting Weekly Practice

12:34 Why It Works Fast

13:34 Embodied Sexy Music

14:07 Midshow Coaching Break

14:35 Intentions Not Sex Goals

16:32 Creative Pleasure Mindset

17:22 Know What You Want

18:19 Sure Thing Ritual Ideas

19:30 Most Pleasurable Now

20:29 When Partners Resist

22:48 Shame On Who

24:14 Love Ripples Practice

25:27 Can Pleasure Change World

26:33 Where To Find Book

28:09 Final Thanks And Outro

How to work with Jessa: https://www.intimacywithease.com

Bio:

Elana Auerbach is a lover, mother, mentor, activist, and priestess. She spent her childhood and young adulthood on what she calls “the conveyor belt of life,” being the good girl and doing what others expected of her. This looked like graduating Phi Beta Kappa from UCLA, working on Wall Street for a Japanese investment bank, and marrying someone with whom she felt no chemistry.

It all fell apart in 2001 when Elana realized she’d been living a lie and found the courage to leave her marriage. She entered a world of sensuality and sex in a San Francisco pleasure-centered community. This is where she met Bill, who would become her loverman for life.

While Elana has a wealth of professional experience guiding people deeper into their bodies and their pleasure, The Sure Thing comes directly from her personal life. After years of frustration and failed gimmicks to try to respark the passion in her 20-year marriage, Elana created The Sure Thing. She wrote this book because she wants everyone to have access to this life altering practice.

www. surethingexperiment.com

Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.

More info and resources:

Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcast

Secret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcast

How Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.com

The Course – https://www.intimacywithease.com

The Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.com

Podcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.com

Access the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass

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