Myth: Desire Should Be Spontaneous

When your ADHD sex drive doesn’t match what you “think it should,” it’s easy to assume something is wrong with you—or that you’ve fallen out of love. But in this episode, Dr. Jolene Brighten sits down with Leann Borneman to unpack a radically different truth: for many women with ADHD (and many women in perimenopause), the problem often isn’t a lack of desire—it’s a lack of access to desire. If you’ve ever wanted intimacy… but your brain felt overloaded, your body felt “nope,” or you couldn’t even figure out how to start, this conversation will feel like someone finally turned the lights on.

In this episode, you’ll learn why spontaneous desire is largely a myth, how executive function can quietly “gatekeep” intimacy, why common advice like “schedule sex” can backfire hard for neurodivergent women, and what to do instead. You’ll also hear why lube can be a relationship-saving tool (not a failure), how sensory issues can shut down arousal without you realizing it, what ADHD medication can change (in both directions), and why certain structured intimacy frameworks—including ethical kink and BDSM—can be uniquely supportive for ADHD brains because they combine novelty + safety.

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Connect with Leann

• Leann Bourneman’s Tik Tok: @bournemanpsycotherapy
• Leann Bourneman;s Instagram: @bournemanpsycotherapy
• Leann Bourneman’s Website: bournemancoaching.com

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