What Fresh Hell: Laughing in the Face of Motherhood | Parenting Tips From Funny Moms

It's the fifth anniversary of the What Fresh Hell podcast! Thanks for listening, sharing, and being part of the best mom community anywhere.To celebrate five years of community– and the spooky season that is upon us– this week we're here to talk about the super-creepy parts of life with kids, with a little bit of skepticism and a little bit of "okay, that freaks me out a little."From phantom cries to sleepwalking to night terrors, our kids are creepy. Perhaps never more so than when they tell us they see their dead great-grandfather sitting next to them in the back seat. Are ghosts real? Some of our kids sure think so... and what do we think? We'll quote child psychologist Jacqueline Wooley: “It’s important to never say never, because it’s the scientific way to be.”Here are links to some of the writing on the topic that we discuss in this episode: Rosemary Counter for WaPo On Parenting: Why do so many kids ‘see ghosts’? We asked some psychologists.moms.com: Doctors Explain Why Moms Hear 'Phantom Cries' Even When Our Kids Are GrownClarkson University: Why Do We See Ghosts? Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/fresh to get 10% off your first month of counseling. Expressable is an online speech therapy company that has helped thousands of children of all ages reach their communication goals. Speak with a speech-language pathologist for free today and learn more about your child's communication development at expressable.io/fresh.Home Made Podcast is a new podcast about… home. And what happens when you open that door and step into a new world, whether that’s a house, apartment or neighborhood. Find out more and listen HERE.Jane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with the code MOTHERHOOD at kiwico.com. Magic Spoon is breakfast cereal that gets protein into your kids’ breakfast- Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code FRESH at checkout to save five dollars off your order! MamaZen is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today– and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial!Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it! Get 15% off your first order today! Go to prose.com/laughing. SuperBeets Heart Chews are a tasty treat that give you the energy you need and are good for you. Get FREE shipping and returns plus a FREE 30-day supply with your first purchase at SuperBeets.com/fresh. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

How do we get kids to view saying "sorry" as more than a get-out-of-jail-free card? This week's question comes from our Facebook page:I have 5-year-old and 2-year-old boys. My question: how do you help kids around 5 years old understand the meaning of "sorry"? My son will do something wrong– and know it’s wrong before he does it– then immediately say he’s sorry. I try to give him a punishment to help him understand what he did was wrong, but he will still do the action again, then say, “well, I said I was sorry." How do I help him understand the meaning of being sorry so he won’t do the action again?Not all kids are great at apologies. And grownups sometimes go at this the wrong way too, overemphasizing a perfunctory, mumbled "sorry" from the wrongdoer and then moving on. "That's where the conversation ends," writer Rachael Rifkin says in Today's Parents, "with little if any discussion of what happened, why it was hurtful to the person they’re apologizing to, how they can address the hurt they caused, and what they can do to change their behavior."Those discussions can't always happen in the moment, while the little brother is still crying and the big brother is probably disregulated as well. Child specialist Ellen Goldsmith says it's always unwise to try to teach our kids when either they're in "red brain," when we're angry ourselves, or when our kids will be embarrassed in front of others. But that doesn't mean the wrongdoer gets off the hook. In the moment, tend to the one who has been wronged. Later that day, go back and talk about it. If the kid says "I said I was sorry," ask them (with genuine curiosity) why they did what they did. Ask them how they think the other person felt. Then ask them what they think they should do next.When it comes to apologies, elementary school teacher JoEllen Poon has a great 3-step approach that hits all the key points. Help your child complete these three sentences:1)I’m sorry for...2)this is wrong because...3) in the future I will...A 5-year-old will need some help with this at first, of course. But keep at it and he'll start to really understand what Daniel Tiger said best: saying "sorry" is only the first step. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Dr. Stacy Haynes is a professional counselor specializing in the treatment of social, behavioral and emotional challenges of children. She is also the Director of Inclusion and Equity at Lives in the Balance, a non-profit organization founded by Dr. Ross Greene to provide resources and support to parents, teachers, and caregivers of kids with challenges.In this interview Stacy explains the "CPS" paradigm (Collaborative and Proactive Solutions) and how she's seen it change outcomes for kids at home, in school, and beyond. As Stacy explains:"In the CPS model, concerning behavior is viewed as the means by which students communicate that they are having difficulty meeting certain expectations. Behavior is a signal."Find out more about Stacy's work at:www.livesinthebalance.orgwww.cpsconnection.comwww.thekidswelose.comwww.truecrisisprevention.organd find the "Lagging Skills and Unsolved Problems" questionnaire here. Use it to start collaboratively problem-solving with your child!Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/fresh to get 10% off your first month of counseling. Expressable is an online speech therapy company that has helped thousands of children of all ages reach their communication goals. Speak with a speech-language pathologist for free today and learn more about your child's communication development at expressable.io/fresh.Home Made Podcast is a new podcast about… home. And what happens when you open that door and step into a new world, whether that’s a house, apartment or neighborhood. Find out more and listen HERE.Jane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with the code MOTHERHOOD at kiwico.com. Magic Spoon is breakfast cereal that gets protein into your kids’ breakfast- Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code FRESH at checkout to save five dollars off your order! MamaZen is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today– and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial!Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it! Get 15% off your first order today! Go to prose.com/laughing. SuperBeets Heart Chews are a tasty treat that give you the energy you need and are good for you. Get FREE shipping and returns plus a FREE 30-day supply with your first purchase at SuperBeets.com/fresh. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

"Solo parenting" isn't the same as single parenting– but when we're in it, it can sure feel pretty intense. Even if our partners are great at pulling their own weight, sooner or later most of us end up in a solo parenting season.Our listener Michelle emailed us to say:Can we talk about what parenting looks like when it feels almost single-handed? We all know how ridiculously demanding full-time jobs can be nowadays. Statistics show half of the population work more than 45 hours a week. How can a parent deal with feeling overwhelmed by all the parenting demands that ought to be shared by two parents– because one's partner, not by choice, has to work instead of parent? It's worth doing the hard work of talking about it and pushing back against the default reality of the "non-integrated spouse." In this episode we discuss how to deal with the resentment (pro tip: block the traveling spouse on social media) how to lower your expectations during these seasons how to push against "solo parenting" as a default setting even when the other parent is actually home how asychronous communication can really help Here are links to some of the things we discuss on this episode: @thepaperdart on Instagram Sometimes Solo Parent: Dear Husband Who Travels For Work Messy Motherhood: The Art of Solo Parenting Claire Zulkey for The New York Times: How Parents Who Travel for Work Can Ease the Burden on Their Families The Military Mom: Parenting Military Kids During Deployment and our own episodes: Fresh Take: Whitnee Hawthorne On Strategies For Working MomsDividing the Workload Changing the Invisible Workload (with guest Eve Rodsky)Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/fresh to get 10% off your first month of counseling. Expressable is an online speech therapy company that has helped thousands of children of all ages reach their communication goals. Speak with a speech-language pathologist for free today and learn more about your child's communication development at expressable.io/fresh.Home Made Podcast is a new podcast about… home. And what happens when you open that door and step into a new world, whether that’s a house, apartment or neighborhood. Find out more and listen HERE.Jane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with the code MOTHERHOOD at kiwico.com. Magic Spoon is breakfast cereal that gets protein into your kids’ breakfast- Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code FRESH at checkout to save five dollars off your order! MamaZen is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today– and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial!Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it! Get 15% off your first order today! Go to prose.com/laughing. SuperBeets Heart Chews are a tasty treat that give you the energy you need and are good for you. Get FREE shipping and returns plus a FREE 30-day supply with your first purchase at SuperBeets.com/fresh. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Childhood is not a competition, but it can feel that way when talk in our mom circles focuses too much on what our kids are achieving. It's fine to be proud of our kids' accomplishments, but if you've ever wondered whether you're oversharing your kids' milestones, you might identify with this week's question, from our Facebook Page:My toddler has always been pretty ahead of the curve when it comes to milestones, but my friend's kids are usually behind. How can I keep pressure off the friendship when I sense some jealousy? I'd really like to express enthusiasm for my child's growth, but worry that it's unwelcome.If you are worried your enthusiasm is not being received well, it's probably a good idea to dial it back. When our kids are small, the concept of milestones is emphasized at each pediatrician visit. Is your one-year-old playing peek-a-boo? Is your eighteen-month-old saying four words? Yes, it can be exciting when our kids meet (or beat) those expectations. But children mature at very different rates, and placing too much emphasis on whose child is already exhibiting reading proficiency may cause friction between us and our fellow parents.Does that mean that you don't get to talk about your kids' greatest hits? No. But it's a good idea to identify the members of your kids "cheering section" (think grandmothers here) who will never tire of hearing about your kids' achievements, and make them your most frequent audience.And don't forget to be honest with your parent friends, which means sharing all facets of your parenting journey. One mom may have a kid who is a blazing fast reader but who struggles with sleep. Another parent may have a kiddo who just made the travel soccer team but is struggling socially. When we talk honestly with our friends about the ups and downs of parenting, it helps us help each other– and this is never unwelcome. Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Shannon Carpenter has been a stay-at-home dad since 2008, and that on-the-job experience– plus his humor-writing background– makes him the perfect author to have written his new book: THE ULTIMATE STAY-AT-HOME DAD: Your Essential Manual for Being an Awesome Full-Time Father. Shannon's book is a manual on day-to-day parenting filled with direct and actionable advice sourced from Carpenter’s own life and over 50 stay-at-home dads nationwide.In this episode, we discuss the inaccurate presumptions, both positive and negative, that the world makes about SAHDs why SAHDs can have a harder time finding their tribe than moms do (and what to do about it) how Shannon and his wife use regular meetings to clear the air and clarify expectations Get The Ultimate Stay-At-Home Dad in our Bookshop store or wherever you buy books, and follow Shannon at shannoncarpenterauthor.com.Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/fresh to get 10% off your first month of counseling. The Cozi Family Organizer is for anyone juggling camp schedules, practices, meetings, doctor’s appointments, and maybe a date night once in a while. Download Cozi for free from the app store!Dermafacs provides your skin with the ability to smooth your skin's texture and fade the appearance of damage or scars in just a few weeks. Get 15% off by going to dermafacs.com/whatfreshhell.Dry Farm Wines is leading the pure Natural Wine movement by sourcing wines according to the world’s strictest criteria. Get an extra bottle in your first box for a penny using at https://dryfarmwines.com/freshExpressable is an online speech therapy company that has helped thousands of children of all ages reach their communication goals. Speak with a speech-language pathologist for free today and learn more about your child's communication development at expressable.io/fresh.Happy Dance skin care products are made with premium ingredients, including the highest quality CBD. Get 15% off your first Happy Dance order by going to doahappydance.com/laughing. Home Made Podcast is a new podcast about… home. And what happens when you open that door and step into a new world, whether that’s a house, apartment or neighborhood. Find out more and listen HEREJane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with the code MOTHERHOOD at kiwico.com. Magic Spoon is breakfast cereal that gets protein into your kids’ breakfast- Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code FRESH at checkout to save five dollars off your order! MamaZen is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today– and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial!Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it! Get 15% off your first order today! Go to prose.com/laughing. SuperBeets Heart Chews are a tasty treat that give you the energy you need and are good for you. Get FREE shipping and returns plus a FREE 30-day supply with your first purchase at SuperBeets.com/Fresh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Becoming a mother changes everything about us. Literally: the very structure of our brain changes during pregnancy, along with our eyeglass description and our shoe size. That most of us become more hypervigilant and more anxious isn't a personal failing– it's a biological imperative. But while the ways motherhood has changed us may be very natural, that doesn't mean those transitions were always easy.In this episode we discuss how motherhood has changed us, how it's also made us more aware of who we always were, and how giving ourselves grace about those changes has been what has always gotten us through.Here are links to some research- and a few of our other episodes- that are worth your time on this topic:Adrienne LaFrance: What Happens to a Woman’s Brain When She Becomes a MotherFresh Take: Janice Johnson Dias on Raising Joyful, Change-Making KidsFresh Take: Dr. Christine Koh On Building a Family After Adverse Childhood ExperiencesDid We Really Do That? (Episode 48)Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/fresh to get 10% off your first month of counseling. The Cozi Family Organizer is for anyone juggling camp schedules, practices, meetings, doctor’s appointments, and maybe a date night once in a while. Download Cozi for free from the app store!Dermafacs provides your skin with the ability to smooth your skin's texture and fade the appearance of damage or scars in just a few weeks. Get 15% off by going to dermafacs.com/whatfreshhell.Dry Farm Wines is leading the pure Natural Wine movement by sourcing wines according to the world’s strictest criteria. Get an extra bottle in your first box for a penny using at https://dryfarmwines.com/freshExpressable is an online speech therapy company that has helped thousands of children of all ages reach their communication goals. Speak with a speech-language pathologist for free today and learn more about your child's communication development at expressable.io/fresh.Happy Dance skin care products are made with premium ingredients, including the highest quality CBD. Get 15% off your first Happy Dance order by going to doahappydance.com/laughing. Home Made Podcast is a new podcast about… home. And what happens when you open that door and step into a new world, whether that’s a house, apartment or neighborhood. Find out more and listen HEREJane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with the code MOTHERHOOD at kiwico.com. Magic Spoon is breakfast cereal that gets protein into your kids’ breakfast- Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code FRESH at checkout to save five dollars off your order! MamaZen is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today– and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial!Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it! Get 15% off your first order today! Go to prose.com/laughing. SuperBeets Heart Chews are a tasty treat that give you the energy you need and are good for you. Get FREE shipping and returns plus a FREE 30-day supply with your first purchase at SuperBeets.com/Fresh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Do you have friends and loved ones who complete their holiday shopping by October 15 and make you stressed that you haven't even started? You might identify with this week's question:I feel like you're a voice of reason so I was wondering if you could answer a simple question for me: should I be buying my kids’ Christmas gifts right now? My mother-in-law is insisting on receiving holiday wish lists so that she can shop “while there are still toys on the shelves.” It sounds a bit alarmist to me, but is she right?Short answer: kind of. There are reasons to believe that holiday shopping is worth starting early in 2021. There are supply chain issues at many stores (although that also complicates early-bird shopping); the USPS has announced an official slowdown; and continued pandemic uncertainty means retailers might not wait until Black Friday to release their best deals. On the other hand, "Buy it all! Buy it now!" sounds suspiciously like something a retailer's publicist might really want you to believe is in your best interest as a consumer.Our suggestion, if it's something that's available to you: take this opportunity as a Pandemic Reset Win. If you end up buying fewer gifts this year, that might be a good thing.There's a second issue at play here, and it's how to handle friends, coworkers, and loved ones who are feeling high levels of anxiety and stress and trying really hard to unload some of it onto us. It's called "second-hand anxiety," and it's hard not to be agitated by it. But the anxiety you're feeling really is your mother-in-law's, and not your own. Keeping that in mind will hopefully make it a little easier to keep moments like these in perspective.For more on second-hand anxiety, read Reina Gattuso's article for Talkspace: What Is Second-Hand Anxiety? Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

Kate Bowler is an associate professor at Duke's Divinity School. She lives in Durham, North Carolina, with her husband and son. Her new book is No Cure For Being Human (And Other Truths I Need To Hear). At the age of 35, Kate was blindsided by a Stage Four cancer diagnosis. It forced her to make peace with her limitations in a culture that would rather believe that anything is possible. Kate says that our modern advice industry offers us "exhausting positivity," trying to convince us that we can out-eat, out-learn and out-perform our humanness. But as Kate explains in this interview, she's accepted that her "best life now" is one lived with courage and kindness.Find NO CURE FOR BEING HUMAN– and books by all the guests on this podcast– in our Bookshop store.Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/fresh to get 10% off your first month of counseling. The Cozi Family Organizer is for anyone juggling camp schedules, practices, meetings, doctor’s appointments, and maybe a date night once in a while. Download Cozi for free from the app store!Dermafacs provides your skin with the ability to smooth your skin's texture and fade the appearance of damage or scars in just a few weeks. Get 15% off by going to dermafacs.com/whatfreshhell.Dry Farm Wines is leading the pure Natural Wine movement by sourcing wines according to the world’s strictest criteria. Get an extra bottle in your first box for a penny using at https://dryfarmwines.com/freshExpressable is an online speech therapy company that has helped thousands of children of all ages reach their communication goals. Speak with a speech-language pathologist for free today and learn more about your child's communication development at expressable.io/fresh.Happy Dance skin care products are made with premium ingredients, including the highest quality CBD. Get 15% off your first Happy Dance order by going to doahappydance.com/laughing. Home Made Podcast is a new podcast about… home. And what happens when you open that door and step into a new world, whether that’s a house, apartment or neighborhood. Find out more and listen HEREJane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with the code MOTHERHOOD at kiwico.com. Magic Spoon is breakfast cereal that gets protein into your kids’ breakfast- Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code FRESH at checkout to save five dollars off your order! MamaZen is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today– and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial!Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it! Get 15% off your first order today! Go to prose.com/laughing. SuperBeets Heart Chews are a tasty treat that give you the energy you need and are good for you. Get FREE shipping and returns plus a FREE 30-day supply with your first purchase at SuperBeets.com/Fresh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices

This week we're talking about all the little things that trip us up, confuse us daily, and that we will never, no matter how much we try, get right.Will we ever ask for directions and then listen to the answer?Will we ever remember which side is the bread plate and which side is the water glass?Will we ever mail the birthday card BEFORE the birthdate?Will we ever receive an incoming call, look at the options, and not panic?Probably not.Special thanks to this month's sponsors: Betterhelp Start taking charge of your mental health– no matter where you live! Go to betterhelp.com/fresh to get 10% off your first month of counseling. The Cozi Family Organizer is for anyone juggling camp schedules, practices, meetings, doctor’s appointments, and maybe a date night once in a while. Download Cozi for free from the app store!Dermafacs provides your skin with the ability to smooth your skin's texture and fade the appearance of damage or scars in just a few weeks. Get 15% off by going to dermafacs.com/whatfreshhell.Dry Farm Wines is leading the pure Natural Wine movement by sourcing wines according to the world’s strictest criteria. Get an extra bottle in your first box for a penny using at https://dryfarmwines.com/freshExpressable is an online speech therapy company that has helped thousands of children of all ages reach their communication goals. Speak with a speech-language pathologist for free today and learn more about your child's communication development at expressable.io/fresh.Happy Dance skin care products are made with premium ingredients, including the highest quality CBD. Get 15% off your first Happy Dance order by going to doahappydance.com/laughing. Home Made Podcast is a new podcast about… home. And what happens when you open that door and step into a new world, whether that’s a house, apartment or neighborhood. Find out more and listen HEREJane.com is a boutique marketplace featuring the latest in women’s fashion, accessories, home decor, children’s clothing, and more. By shopping at jane.com, you support small businesses, 1500 of which are women-owned. And you will not believe the prices! Visit jane.com/laughing.KiwiCo projects make science, technology, engineering, art, and math super fun– and best of all, kids of all ages can work on them independently! Get 50% off your first month plus FREE shipping on ANY crate line with the code MOTHERHOOD at kiwico.com. Magic Spoon is breakfast cereal that gets protein into your kids’ breakfast- Go to magicspoon.com/FRESH to grab a custom bundle of cereal and try it today! And be sure to use our promo code FRESH at checkout to save five dollars off your order! MamaZen is a revolutionary solution for motherhood burnout, anxiety, impatience, and more. Download MamaZen today– and use the code "FRESH" to unlock a free trial!Prose is the healthy hair regimen with your name all over it! Get 15% off your first order today! Go to prose.com/laughing. SuperBeets Heart Chews are a tasty treat that give you the energy you need and are good for you. Get FREE shipping and returns plus a FREE 30-day supply with your first purchase at SuperBeets.com/Fresh Learn more about your ad choices. Visit podcastchoices.com/adchoices