Better Sex

My guest is a repeat guest, which is a first for the Better Sex Podcast! His name is Matthias Rose and he is a Tantric teacher and healer. Matthias operates his practice out of Seattle and loves to connect couples through the power of Tantra.  In this episode though, he explores the power of “ejaculatory choice”. This is the concept that men can be in control of their ejaculation and learn to orgasm without ejaculation. By riding what he calls orgasmic waves, men can slow down their experiences, ramp up their connection and intimacy with their partner, and overall just let go and experience sex in a healthy, care-free, powerful way. Listen in for much more on this powerful practice. The Benefits of ‘Ejaculatory Choice’ Matthias says that rewording the phrase “ejaculatory control” to “ejaculatory choice” is a much more accurate and healthy representation for men. The benefits are many, and can extend to covering premature and retarded ejaculation. Ejaculatory choice is also beneficial for those with erectile dysfunction. The Difference Between Ejaculation and Orgasm Matthias says that when he is paying attention to internal experiences, arousal, and physical stimuli, the act of ejaculation doesn’t necessarily coincide with orgasm. Usually, orgasm and ejaculation happen close together, but they are not the same thing.  And so, as he states, you can have the orgasmic experiences without ejaculation. Because they are separate, you can practice ejaculatory choice and forego ejaculation to experience the waves and sensations of orgasm.  Multiple Orgasms and Greater Intimacy Apart from being able to separate ejaculation and orgasm and thus achieve multiple orgasms with practice, ejaculatory choice also means greater intimacy with your partner.  It can lead to an exploration and a ‘playing’ in orgasmic waves that naturally stokes the embers of passion. And overall, being present and thoughtful and fully engaged with your ejaculation choice leads to more thoughtful, intimate sex. He says that once sex is approached from a more open-ended way, there is greater potential for felt connection and overall better sex. Ejaculation Obstacles and Techniques for Resolution Matthias says that rapid ejaculation is more common than delayed ejaculation. He says that his approach is to let go of the ‘why’ when talking about ejacluation. His approach is less analytical and more practical in the sense that he introduces techniques for resolving the ejaculatory issue. He says that getting rid of the usual anxious thoughts and distractions is key. He also tries to bring conscious attention to the physical sensations. And within that consciousness comes a shifting of the body’s automatic path to climaxing. The Power of Breathing Mathias says that deep, calming breaths are important for curbing the urge to ejaculate. You can self-regulate in this way if you are feeling the intensity ramp up.  He also says that you look at breathing as a way of moving energy away from the penis and upwards into the body, this can give you a lot more control over your ejaculation. This practice de-escalates the need to ejaculate and makes for more pleasurable sex. It is also directly applicable to females as well.  This breathing technique opens the door for more relaxation, which by extension leads to better sex. This is diametrically opposed to the tensing and clenching techniques often used to delay ejaculation, which leads to loss of energy and doesn’t give the benefits of ejaculation control. As he says, most men who practice slowing down and doing the deep breathing find that after the initial climax builds and the male successfully slows down and avoids ejaculation, the brain understands that you are not wanting to ejaculate. Most men report having a few more minutes of free play until it builds back up again.  In short, you build up the potential to ride orgasmic waves as you continually build up the delayed climaxes.  Listen in for much more that wasn’t shared here! Key Links for Matthias:  His LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/matthias-rose-053b35a3/ Websites: http://matthias-rose.com/ || http://moksha-tantra.org/ Articles: “How to Find a Tantric Healer” – https://medium.com/@matthiasrose/how-to-find-a-tantric-healer-8b2dd2b29c1a  “Tantric Bill of Rights” – https://medium.com/@matthiasrose/a-tantric-bill-of-rights-f0af021b1c1e  “The Heart of Tantra” – https://medium.com/@matthiasrose/the-heart-of-tantra-2fbfca187e45  “The Origins of Tantra” – https://medium.com/@matthiasrose/the-origins-of-tantra-acc4334638e9  More info:Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Happily Ever After is a Fairy Tale My guest today is Kara Haug. She is the creator of Grace Unbound and is a practicing sex educator with a B.A. in Psychology and a Masters in Theological Studies, as well as a certificate in Sexual Health Education from the University of Michigan, Ann Arbor. Her role mainly centers on teaching youth about shameless sexuality. She does a lot of workshops and is doing important work shifting the narrative on sexuality.  And in this episode, she talks about the fairytale misconceptions that all women often face in their daily lives. Because there are cultural reinforcements that peg a certain brand of story for women, many are going into marriages and motherhood with inflated expectations, only to find that things are much more challenging than they originally thought they would be. This episode explores this topic and offers some solutions for women who are struggling. Listen along. The Biggest Misconception that Women Have About Sex and Sexuality Kara says that women have been given the misconception from a young age of this giant fairy tale image that bundles romance and partnership. And she says that as reach adulthood we are hit with the reality that “the chemicals in our brain have expiration dates”. In short, women are often fed the story that romance is going to be the easiest thing in the world. It’s just a matter of finding the right partner and living happily ever after, but the reality of it is much different. Romantic partnerships are a lot of work. The ‘Goal’ of Motherhood and Long-Term Partnerships Kara also talks about the goals that women are meant to aspire to–the script they are given about motherhood and long-term partnerships–never really factor in the tough moments after the wedding or birth.  No one really prepares women for how difficult the whole dynamic is going to be – especially if you are juggling a career, kids, and a complicated relationship. Your marriage and children won’t unlock an infinite wellspring of energy and motivation from within you. Most of the time it’s going to be hard, and it will be far from the fairy tale expectations that we see perpetuated in society. Struggles With Sexuality as a Women There are still considerable struggles for women to claim their desire and exist comfortably in the open while at the same time claiming their sexual yearnings. Younger women are still being labeled as ‘sluts’ in schools if they explore their sexuality, so there’s still an uphill climb that doesn’t usually end until adulthood…and sometimes never at all. The Biggest Threat to Marriages? Kara thinks that because of how involved marriage (and motherhood) can be, the biggest threat to marriages is when two partners shift their dynamic from romantic lovers to a business partner type of relationship. And identities get lost amidst all of the chaos. Kara says that prioritizing our identities as romantic partners is the most important thing. She also suggests regular conversations as a way to switch off the autopilot and reclaim your identity – despite the busy, daily happenings of adulthood. She says that even if it’s just a date night every week, or sitting down and having a conversation about sexual or other relationship needs every month. That practice can save marriages from turning into business partnerships. The Hardest Part for Kara Kara said that she had past traumas resurface while she was breastfeeding her child. She states that many women also experience these traumas around their bodies when they become mothers.  She says more on the subject. Listen along! There’s Nothing Wrong With You! Being in a relationship is extremely challenging. Add motherhood and the constant stress of raising a family and you’ll hardly have any free time to spare. Just because you are struggling and finding the whole experience challenging does not mean there is something wrong with you. It’s completely normal to feel like there is. Don’t worry about it, you’re doing completely fine. What Are Women Saying the Most as Time Goes on As mothers, Kara says that the most frequent exploration is pleasure, and being comfortable with exploring that as a regular goal in their relationship.  In addition, a lot of women are struggling with body image and wanting to feel desirable, so that is a continual anxiety-inducing reality of being a woman in the 21st century.  Shifting the Narrative Kara shares that the narrative should be shifted into the direction of more independence and identity for women. She communicates that to her young daughter that it’s nice to have a partner, but she doesn’t have to rely on a male partner to give her an identity. She talks a lot to the youth and she found that even doing simple eye contact exercises made them uncomfortable. So a part of her job as a sex educator means that Kara is continually trying to teach the benefits of eye contact, communication, vulnerability, and consent to these younger individuals to keep shifting the narrative.  Key Links for Kara:  Her website: http://www.graceunbound.com/bio More info:Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Host Recent EpisodesWant to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

My guest Susan Bratton has been called a ‘trusted hot sex advisor for millions’. She is a sex technique publisher, a celebrated speaker, educator, CEO and Co-Founder of Personal Life Media, and the list goes on and on about her qualifications and amazing qualities. In this episode, in particular, she shares her experience with sexual vitality and the summit she is spearheading in September (September 23-29, 2019). Within this talk, she also shares some insights into intimacy issues and basic remedies for those disconnects between couples of all dynamics. Really useful, informative stuff. And I’d recommend that you check out the many resources that Susan has put out there! How She Got So Passionate About Her Career Susan got her start as a publisher for sex techniques. She was inspired to continue pursuing this avenue because she started to see much more pornography than actual positive tips for more satisfying, engaging sex.   In addition, she and her husband were taking workshops and tantric classes trying to ensure that their sex life was healthy and fully engaging. In that process, she reinforced her passion for sex and helping others find great sex. She and her husband actually started their company once they had learned enough to reinvigorate their sex life. Roadblocks for Intimacy and Their Solutions Susan says that after asking and having people fill out surveys, there were hundreds of different answers towards intimacy problems. About 15% of them were related to trauma; others were the products of physical hurdles: from diabetes and heart disease to painful sex for women and erectile dysfunction for men. When approaching how she would address this wide array of intimacy issues, she came to the logical conclusion that a Sexual Vitality Summit with a diverse panel of experts was the way to cover all bases. And then she also came up with the Magic Pill Method to spark a dialogue between people and get them to open up about their intimacy troubles.  The Life Stages of Sexuality During the talk, the subject of age-specific intimacy issues came up. And usually the younger couples struggle with a lack of information and experience, and they aren’t communicating as openly as they should be on the subject.  Middle age is usually more varied when it comes to intimacy problems:  with children, careers, neglect, complacency, and physical issues being responsible. And as Susan reminds us, sex can just keep getting better and better. In fact, most 60-year olds are probably having the best sex they’ve ever had because of the experience levels and the acceptance of old age. There comes a point where sexual self-consciousness and intimacy issues are replaced with more grounded sex.  Couples Heal Each Other Susan states that most healing work is done together with your partner. It’s a very involved process that incorporates not just yourself but your partner(s) as well. She also says that it can be challenging to connect with a partner who has been programmed (so to speak) through cultural means that sex has a linear function. Susan states that younger couples are less prone to these fixed behaviors and mindsets derived from environmental and familial factors. This is very common and applicable to LGTBTQ dynamics as well.  How Your Gut Microbiome Affects Your Intimacy Susan states that the foods we ingest, the water we drink, the cleaning products we use, lotions we rub on our skin, and much more, all affect our gut microbiome.  And after all, our gut is closely correlated with our libido. Physical vitality is inextricably linked with gut health, which really is an overall precursor to a healthy body.  So probiotics and an emphasis on better nutrition really is essential for better sex. If you feel bad, you definitely won’t want to have sex. Sometimes it’s as simple as that. She goes into much more depth within the episode itself; be sure to check it out! Key Links for Susan:  Website for the Sexual Vitality Summit: https://moresexualvitality.com/ Her books: https://susanbratton.com/books/ Personal Website (for all resources): https://susanbratton.com/ More info:Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Sexual Fantasies and Eroticism I know I say it often, but this topic is one of my favorites. In this episode, I talk with Dr. Justin Lehmiller about the all-important topic of sexual fantasies.  Justin is a celebrated speaker, researcher, author, and a very effective educator on the psychology of sexuality. His blog Sex and Psychology (https://www.lehmiller.com/) gets millions of visitors every year, and he regularly contributes his writing to major publications. This talk about his research is guided by his expertise and experience in the field. The Most Common Sexual Fantasies  Justin says that when he surveyed almost 4,200 Americans from 2014 to 2016, the most common fantasies encompassed 7 different themes. Multi-partner sex BDSM Novelty, Adventure & Variety Taboo activities Emotional connection and fulfillment Homoeroticism and gender-bending Non-monogamyJustin describes these as the building blocks of fantasies, meaning that they are not mutually exclusive and many overlap. For example, you can very well dip your toes into multiple categories in your own personal fantasy life. Are people ashamed of their fantasies? As Justin states, he found that men reported more shame about their fantasies than women. Overall, the majority of study participants reported that they held a positive relationship with their fantasies, but there were still some who felt negative emotions towards their fantasy. Another important thing he found during his research is that just sharing sexual fantasies can open up eroticism and alleviate feelings of embarrassment or shame for having certain fantasies. The Differences between Men and Women regarding fantasyAlthough the data showed that both sexes share a lot of commonalities, there were still some marked differences. Men had more multi-partner fantasies than women did. And women had more fantasies about an emotional connection with a partner. Women also had way more BDSM fantasies than men by a large margin. In addition, men usually had a specific person in mind during their fantasies, and the women focused more on the setting and environment overall. Justin also found that the LGBTQ community had more sexually adventurous fantasies, as well as taboo fantasies. Justin provides some insight into why women might like BDSM more than men, as well as the LGBTQ community and their sexual fantasy preferences. Listen in for that. Sexual Fantasy by Personality Type Justin shares some interesting insight into the correlation between personality type and sexual fantasy. For example, those who are more extroverted by nature will be more outgoing the bedroom. And for those who are ‘agreeable’ personality types, there will be a higher incidence of focusing on their partner’s sexual satisfaction in the bedroom. He also talks about what conscientiousness has to do with fantasies, as well as self-esteem. “Sometimes a Cigar is Just a Cigar” Justin says that sexual fantasies don’t really have to mean all that much. They can offer a glimpse into something deeper, but for the most part, they are just a product of your environment and genetic makeup and can be left out of the examination room. Fantasies can be a good evaluative road map to follow for your own unique sexual satisfaction, though.  But when talking about sexual traumas, there were small connections between sexual victimization and types of fantasies. But there was a lot of inconsistency in the data.  Hear Justin explain the data on this subject. How to Share Your Fantasies with Your Partner Justin says that before you share with your partner, you first have to feel good about yourself. You aren’t alone in your fantasies, so there’s a normalization that needs to first occur.  He says to lay low and start slow. A gradual buildup for disclosing your fantasies to your partner is much more powerful than an overwhelming information dump!  He also goes into detail on how important sharing is for increasing overall sexual desire and satisfaction within the relationship.  Key Links for Justin:  Affiliate link for Justin’s book: Tell Me What You Want : https://amzn.to/2ZPPezs His website: https://www.lehmiller.com/ Twitter: https://twitter.com/JustinLehmillerJustin Lehmiller Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/psychologyofsex/ Instagram: https://www.instagram.com/justinjlehmiller/ More info:Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talkJoin my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

My guest is Dr. Corey Allan. He is a professional counselor and host of the podcast Sexy Marriage Radio, which centers on helping couples experience amazing sex within their relationships. He hosts the podcast with his wife, Pam, and they share some pretty stellar information on the topic every week. Corey also has a private practice in McKinney, Texas and holds a Ph.D. in Family Therapy. And in this episode, Corey talks about desire discrepancy in particular. More specifically, he talks about productive ways for partners to navigate the high seas of fluctuating desires and the frustrations that can occur. One of the most important concepts that he shares (among so many others) is the importance of accepting desire discrepancy as natural, and not as right or wrong.  But this is a complicated subject. And through this episode, we dissect the many nuances of a common phenomenon. Be sure to listen and learn because this affects so many of us. Enjoy! Framing Desire Discrepancy in a Positive Way As Corey states, close to two-thirds of all relationships experience some sort of desire discrepancy within the dynamic of the relationship. So this is a common phenomenon that doesn’t mean there’s something inherently wrong within the relationship at all. Corey likes to frame it in a higher-lower spectrum rather than a right or wrong metric. This relieves some of the pressure and reframes this frequent aspect of relationships in a much more positive light. He points out that sometimes it’s actually the lower desire partner who brings the necessary perspective to the relationship by shedding light on areas that perhaps need more improvement: this could be manifested in more mindful, present sex and other areas to explore for more meaningful sex for both parties. Often the lower desire partner has a good reason for not wanting sex all that much, and attending to those reasons can shift the whole relationship dynamic in a positive way. The Harms of Pathologizing Desire As we discussed during the episode, a common thing that happens within couple dynamics is the ‘pathologizing’ of each other’s differing desires.  The lower desire person will often ask what’s wrong with the higher desire individual, and vice versa, leading to a harmful interplay between each. It’s natural to get defensive, and it’s easy to assume that someone is to blame in the relationship; but mostly, desire discrepancy is a natural byproduct of being in a sexual relationship with anyone. More on this within the episode. Don’t Take Rejection Personally Corey highlights the productive and constructive ways to initiate sex with a lower-desire partner. This means if you are high desire, you should not pout or whine at rejection. In addition, don’t complain that you do all the initiation–that just comes with the high-desire territory. Corey reminds you to play the long game and frame your initiation in a positive way. How you respond to your lower desire partner’s reaction is important! Corey’s Definition for Great Sex Corey says that the best sex is when a partner is seeking what they want, and at the same time, trying to give their partner what they want. He calls it a “fluid dance”, which could also be described as a healthy interplay between the wide spectrum of sexual interests that two people can naturally develop in their relationship.  He says that both partners have to show up to achieve this. Frequency has less to do with it. It has to do more with the quality of the sex itself. He says that if you can have good, quality sex, the number doesn’t really matter. In other words, there’s no quota to fulfill, but instead, there’s a standard of quality to achieve between both partners.  The Importance of Communication for Lower-Desire Partners It can take courage for a lower-desire partner to speak up about their needs, or to break off an initiation, but it is extremely crucial for a healthy relationship and sexual dynamic. If the lower-desire partner can communicate their needs and be in a comfortable enough place to assert their comfort level with sex, then a lot of good can come from that. It is the responsibility of the higher-desire partner to create a space that is conducive for this type of communication to occur. And for much more within this episode that wasn’t touched on here, be sure to check the rest of this episode out. There’s definitely a lot to chew on and digest! Key Links Corey’s podcast: https://smrnation.com/series/sexymarriageradio/ Website: https://smrnation.com/ More info:Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

I get back on my soapbox this week to talk about something I think is important. So many people feel broken or like something is wrong with them when they struggle with sex, but this is not true. All couples go through lapses and setbacks. This does not mean anything is wrong with you. What you’re going through makes complete sense; we just have to understand why. It’s natural to doubt yourself when you have sexual difficulties; that’s just a normal part of being human. But you are definitely not broken, and steps can be taken to fix that type of mindset and prevent those thoughts from consuming your life.  I want to remind you that grieving and struggling with body image issues or desire discrepancy is normal, but it doesn’t have to take away from your ability to have an engaging, fulfilling sex life. Listen along. It’s Common to Struggle with Sexual Desire Despite how the media portrays the subject, consistent sexual desire is not a guarantee. There are so many factors that go into any individual’s libido. And there different ways of experiencing sexual desire. There are two basic ways I describe sexual desire. First, there is proactive desire. This is sexual desire that is spontaneous, where you think about and want sex, and you’d like to take steps to make it happen. This is what culture teaches us constitutes ‘libido.’ But there is also reactive desire. This is when you only feel desire once you get going and start to be physically (and mentally) aroused. This may mean you feel absolutely no desire at any given moment, but once you get going in the way that elicits that desire within you, you start to react positively to that stimulus. Your desire then emerges. Often, desire discrepancies occur because of a dynamic interaction between these differing modes of sexual desire. The person more interested in sex often has proactive desire. The person less interested often has the reactive kind. Both types are individual, they can fluctuate, and they are totally normal!  Sexual Performance and Dysfunction If you struggle with any sort of sexual dysfunction or pain, it might be tempting to consider yourself broken in a tangible, “look at my dysfunction” type of way. But that’s a false narrative that should be restructured to reflect a more positive reality.  You are not broken. You may need to reorient the way you approach sex and get creative with it, but that doesn’t mean you’re broken.  You can adapt and even pursue different medical interventions if there are treatments available. There are many approaches to take.  Loss, Grief, and Relationship Issues Can Contribute to Feelings of Brokenness Sometimes sex will force you to confront issues that are emotionally upsetting–such as procreation struggles or sexual trauma–and this can also contribute to this hurtful cycle of brokenness, These types of struggles can compound and carry over into your relationship, which can initiate and feed a vicious cycle of even more feelings of being broken. So, depending on how much work you’re putting into your relationship, you can expect there to be momentary (or lengthy) lulls in your sex life as well. This is not an accurate reflection on some innate sense of your self-worth but is a natural ebb and flow of being with a partner. Lack of Knowledge and Experience The state of sexual education in the U.S. has certainly not helped to dispel these feelings of inadequacy. And while many people think they’re learning about sex through pornography, porn is not education; it is entertainment. And it can contribute to body image issues and just an unrealistic portrayal of sex in general. This can widely influence feelings of brokenness.  Aging, Illness, and Trauma Affects Desire As you age, you won’t feel the same sort of sexual readiness and libido as you used to feel. We all go through this, and we all have to adapt to our changing bodies. Instead of feeling broken, try to accept it as a natural progression. And for more on how illness and sexual trauma can lead to feelings of brokenness, as well as the most important positive message to take away from this episode, keep listening. More info:Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

Come As You AreMy guest today is the acclaimed author of the best selling, Come as You Are. Emily has been a sex educator since 1995, where she put her education to good use (psychology, cognitive science, and philosophy). Quickly, she realized that sex education, woman’s well-being, and violence prevention was far more fulfilling work for her personally. So, she made the switch from more neuro-centric work to that of the sex-education realm. And that switch has made all of the difference for the countless people who have benefited from Emily’s work in the field. She has a Ph.D. in Health Behavior with an emphasis in human sexuality, and the list of her qualifications could go on.  And within just seconds of this interview, you will immediately understand just how smart and articulate Emily is. Listen in.  The Motivation for Come As You Are As Emily relates, the motivation to write her best-selling book has a very prominent beginning. It was the first day of the semester and Emily was beginning her usual Anatomy class. A student raised her hand and asked if Emily would walk the students through the evolutionary origin of the hymen. Never having contemplated the question, she knew the semester was going to be a challenging but rewarding one. And during the final exam, when asking a question worth 2 points, she asked students to state one thing they had learned. The answer was far from what she expected. She found herself grading the final exams with tears in her eyes. Listen in to learn what most of her students’ answers centered on.  We All Have the Same Parts Consider the scrotum. Yes, never before has someone provided an opening sentence like that, but stop for a moment and consider it. The central tenet to Come as You Are is that we all have the same parts, they are just organized differently. If you look at the center of the scrotum, there is a demarcating line that runs down the center; during gestation, all it took was a simple hormone and genetic difference that prevented the scrotum from becoming a labia. They are both stretchy and anatomical similar, but they become formed differently during birth. Through this type of thinking, Emily crafted the book to alleviate the stresses and insecurities of sex. With stress-free sex, with more comfort inside one’s skin and the anatomy that we have developed, we can become comfortable in the fact that we are completely normal. For more on this, listen along. Variance Should Be Celebrated Getting to know your own sexual parts, as well as your partner’s. There is no one-size-fits-all type of sexual practice. Some women, a minority actually, can experience orgasm through vaginal stimulation alone; the majority cannot. And all because of slight anatomical differences that can’t be controlled. So, the number one message communicated is to celebrate the inevitable variance between everyone! SES & SIS This is another extremely interesting section of the interview: Emily talks about the internal sexual excitation system and the sexual inhibition system in our brain that is constantly working behind the scenes. These two work in tandem to balance out sexual excitation with an inhibiting effect that prevents us from being sexually excited all of the time. For more on this dual-control process and how understanding it can help trauma victims, listen along. I am not doing it justice here! The Ramifications of Stress on Sexual Health Stress can make one’s body shut down completely when it comes to healthy sexual functioning. As the brain is highly reactive and conditioned through many facets of existence, a stressful situation can kickstart the sexual inhibition system (SIS) which will more often than not win out over any excitation.  But again, variance shows up in this respect as well. Everyone is wired differently. Some people have an increased sex drive once stressed, and others don’t. It’s all a matter of preconditioning. But what do couples do when they are mismatched in this regard. Emily tackles the question with gusto. Tune in to learn more. Scheduled Sex Just because you schedule sex with a partner, doesn’t mean that it’s going to happen. But it is a very good idea if you don’t have a lot of sexual desire or have a partner who doesn’t, to schedule the opportunity for sex. Don’t have an expectation that it’s going to happen, just create the opportunity. Sometimes once in an environment that is conducive for sexual excitation, there can be adequate responsive desire. A no-stress desire! Emily discusses this further in the episode.  Tips for Re-tuning One’s Sexual Response For the most part, all it takes is a simple change to retune your sexual response to become less stressful. A compromise, a locked door, a new bed that doesn’t squeak, sometimes all it takes is to change your environment to take as many worries off of your mind as possible.  These are just simple fixes though. Sometimes sex can be very stressful, especially for trauma victims or those who have suffered from sexual shaming; but Emily has some information on that that she shares during the episode. Tips for Overcoming Harsh Self-Criticism Emily has three tips for the subject of overcoming body shame and insecurity. Two of them are, tune in to your body’s needs and undress in front of a mirror and point something out about your body that you like. Do this every day and eventually, you will get more comfortable with what you have. Instead of hiding it, celebrate it. Again, celebrate the diversity of everybody out there. For the other tip and much more information, tune in.  Concluding Thoughts For a teaser of her new book Burnout, some fascinating neuroscientific information on context and sexual excitation, as well as another project she is working on, tune into the final minutes of the show. And follow her through her various social media channels, so you can be updated whenever her new book hits the stores. Links For Emily Nagoski and Other References: Come As You Are – https://www.amazon.com/Come-You-Are-Surprising-Transform/dp/1476762090Website – http://www.emilynagoski.com/Instagram – https://www.instagram.com/enagoski/?hl=en Twitter – https://twitter.com/emilynagoskiJes Baker Website: Militant Baker Website – http://www.themilitantbaker.com/p/resources.htmlMore info:Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listBook and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

How can you bring up your sexual concerns with your partner?On this episode, I focus on talking about sex with your partner when things are not going well. It can be uncomfortable to bring up sexual issues with your partner, and it’s for this reason that I have developed a guide that you can access with the link at the end of these notes. While these talks may be difficult to broach, they create an arena for constructive feedback and help build healthier relationships. I share that this is how you create a sex life that works for BOTH of you. A vital part of this is to first get over any fear you may have about talking about sex. Facing these challenges as a team is crucial to solving them. I outline three different stages for having this type of conversation.  Prepare Like anything, without clarity and knowing what you want, you will have no direction. I emphasize the importance of this step. Highlights are picking up on patterns, emotions, and thoughts in your sex life.  As part of the preparation step, I urge you to identify how you contribute to the problem. “Every situation is co-created.” I bring up a few important questions for you to answer and flesh out in this step. Empathy is also a factor in the preparation step, and I gently guide you around this to help you understand your partner, too.  Approach your Partner About the Topic  “Making time” is something to consider as opposed to spontaneously bringing up the sex talk. I talk about the value of having a time limit on your conversation, too.  I genuinely want you to find a solution, and having a collaborative attitude sets a healthy foundation for working together and talking. This will probably not be solved with one go, so expect a series of talks ahead of time.How to talk about this With collaboration in mind, I urge the use of “I” language. Tune in to learn more about this. I suggest creating space by allowing your partner to tell you how he/she/they feels. In addition to this, “distinguish between what you’re thinking and what you’re feeling.” Tune in to hear my advice on filters and managing triggers. You will learn about empathizing and exercising control in this step, too.  Among other valuable tips, I also emphasize, “Don’t have sex that makes it worse.” Listen for more! Important Links  Link to the guide sex: http://bettersexpodcast.com/talk Join my email list here: http://bettersexpodcast.com/listMore info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

My guest today is Martha Kauppi, who is a certified sex therapist and supervisor. Through her practice in Wisconsin, she focuses largely on relationships and how they can affect sex, and vice versa. In addition, she has a background in healthcare, so she brings a very useful perspective and expertise to her practice. Within the episode, Martha talks about how complicated desire is in particular. She describes it as multifactorial, and she also says that desire and arousal is the complex result of a cluster of systems working together. Enjoy this very informative talk from an important figure in the field! Definition of Psychic Energy When describing the libido, many people would define it as a physical phenomenon or a biological culmination of desire. Martha describes it as a psychic energy, or a “want to want to have sex.” Martha says that if someone is wanting to cultivate desire, that’s a crucial first step and a great sign for her client. Because there are so many moving parts that go into desire, there are also many ways for a partner to struggle to become aroused. Martha talks about the internal pressures, of ‘putting out’ in the relationship despite not having the desire, as well as the external pressures, like birthdays or other events. She says that these pressures can contribute to a loss of arousal, even if subconscious. As the pressures ramp up, so too desire can diminish in relation. Other Things That Can Make Accessing Desire Difficult Martha says that sex pain is the biggest obstacle to desire, by far. It’s not technically a desire issue or intimately linked to the desire systems at work, but any sort of sexual pain will kill desire. And unfortunately, a lot of people who have painful sex are not bringing it up because they just assume it’s normal. Or in some cases, a lot of people don’t want to tell their partners because they are afraid of how it will affect the relationship. Martha states that painful sex is treatable and should be addressed, because sex should not be painful. She also states that the pelvic floor is the usual cause for painful sex. In addition to this, she talks extensively about how a lack of pleasure contributes to decreased desire. Check it out! Resources for Women and Men In addition to a lot of valuable information on desire challenges for men and women, Martha shares some good resources: A Woman’s Touch (for men and women), OMG YES and of course The Guide to Getting it on is always a great book to reference. Talk to a Professional! She says that so many people are suffering and discouraged because of a lack of pleasure when they don’t need to be. If you can’t figure it out on your own, Martha really stresses the importance of seeing a sex therapist. She says she can often clear up pleasure problems in a couple of sessions. Anxiety and Depression A major cause for a lack of sexual desire can stem from mood disorders. And the medication that patients take to combat some of the symptoms can often lead to erectile issues and a decreased libido, so desire can be chemically affected as well as the challenges posed from depression or anxiety. The Improvisational Sexual Style Instead of thinking of desire as a linear progression, where kissing leads to touching, which then leads to internal stimulation and climax, Martha’s preferred improvisational style is much more sustainable a way to approach desire. Instead of walking up a staircase and participating in a hierarchy of sexual actions (with a goal in mind), there’s constant communication going on about desire and no script to stick to. Martha thinks that the usual, linear model of sex actually creates needless sexual dysfunction. She thinks we would all be less broken if we could just ditch the linear model! Key Links for Martha Kauppi Martha’s website (for her blog and tons of free information on sexuality!): https://instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/ Amazing article on great sex for a lifetime: https://instituteforrelationalintimacy.com/getting-to-great-sex-for-a-lifetime/ More info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe

My guest is Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz. She is a licensed clinical psychiatrist, a sex therapist, and an overall expert on arousal disorders and more. She has a practice in Silicon Valley and is here to talk about erections: in particular, how to have healthy erections, what to do if you are having problems getting them, and various strategies for a healthy functioning penis. Definition of Erectile Dysfunction Kelifern says that erectile dysfunction is defined as a recurrent inability to obtain or maintain penile erection. This means that for 75% to 100% of sexual activity, this inability is consistent. And for at least 6 months of consistent inability. She says that physicians will try to determine if a person is experiencing generalized erectile dysfunction, which means that it occurs across the board, in all sexual episodes, or whether they experience difficulty in very specific situations, which would mean situational erectile dysfunction. Also, professionals look to see if the dysfunction has been present since birth or if it is acquired from certain circumstances. Also, when asked the difference between performance anxiety and erectile dysfunction, Kelifern says that it’s similar but not the same in that ‘performance anxiety’ doesn’t meet the criteria for a formal diagnosis. It can be temporary and often is determined by psychological effects. How Common is Erectile Dysfunction? Kelifern starts off this question by admitting that the stats are all over the map, but she says that some stats show that more than 30 million men struggle with erectile dysfunction. Also, a very well known study in Boston showed that about 43% of the 1,700 men studied (between ages 40-70) had erectile troubles.  What Medical Issues to Talk to Doctor About Before Getting Viagra She cited a statistic that said around 70% of erectile dysfunction can be traced to physical conditions. Physicians will look at diabetes, smoking, heart disease, hardened arteries, and anything that inhibits or restricts blood flow.  But sadly, a lot of men are being written prescriptions for medication right away instead of being looked at for many of the other contributing causes. A lot of dysfunction is being written off for psychological causes when they are rooted in treatable physical disorders. The Science of a Hard-On Kelifern says that the penis is comprised of 3 cylinders. One runs along the bottom of the penis, which encircles the urethra. And then are 2 cylinders that run alongside the penis and are made up of the sponge-like tissue that fills with blood.  As she states, an erection is a complex thing. Not only are the body and the brain working in tandem, but psychological and emotional factors have a lot to do with a successful erection as well. When aroused, a man’s penis will fill with blood at 6-8 times the normal rate of blood flow. It becomes engorged, the arteries suspend, and the penis hardens.  Kelifern also says that men can have erections that do not involve the brain. This is called Reflexogenic erection. These types of erections occur by direct stimulation of the penis and are controlled by nerves found in the lowest part of the spinal cord segments. The brain is not involved. But there is much more that goes on. Kelifern says it’s a very complex interplay in the body. Hear her describe the process in more detail in the episode! Psychological Circumstances Surrounding Erectile Dysfunction Kelifern says that arousal is key, as well as relaxation. Anything that disrupts either one of these can make obtaining or maintaining an erection very difficult. Any discomfort can lead to performance anxiety and can decrease the necessary arousal.  So when the brain is anxious, it disrupts the brain’s ability to send the necessary messages to the penis. And this is not good for getting an erection. This often happens when the man is thinking about performance over being present with the sensation and stimulation. In addition, a history of trauma can hinder erections. Religious reinforcements and other sociological factors can also negatively affect physical performance. Treatments for Those Who Are Struggling She stresses again that for those who are struggling, working with a physician first is key. At this part of the episode, Kelifern talks about some very important side effects of pills like Viagra, the effects, who should take them, alternatives such as prosthetics and pumps, and much more.  For psychological treatment, mindfulness and anxiety reduction are the major players for helping men achieve more consistent, healthier erections. Key Links for Dr. Kelifern Pomeranz Kelifern’s website: https://www.drpomeranz.com/ Facebook page: https://www.facebook.com/drkelifernpomeranz AASECT: https://www.aasect.org/find-professional/listing/1/7303 More info:Book and New Course – https://sexwithoutstress.comWeb – https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/Sex Health Quiz – http://sexhealthquiz.com/If you’re enjoying the podcast and want to be a part of making sure it continues in the future, consider being a patron. With a small monthly pledge, you can support the costs of putting this show together. For as little as $2 per month, you can get advance access to each episode. For just a bit more, you will receive an advance copy of a chapter of my new book. And for $10 per month, you get all that plus an invitation to an online Q&A chat with me once a quarter. Learn more at https://www.patreon.com/bettersexpodcastBetter Sex with Jessa Zimmermanhttps://businessinnovatorsradio.com/better-sex/Want to learn more about my sponsored charity? Charity: Water is committed to providing clean water to every human on the planet, 100% of your contribution will be used directly for water projects around the globe. You can learn more at https://www.bettersexpodcast.com/water.More info and resources:Secret Podcast for the Higher Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/hdppodcastSecret Podcast for the Lower Desire Partner: https://www.intimacywithease.com/ldppodcastHow Big a Problem is Your Sex Life? Quiz – https://www.sexlifequiz.comThe Course – https://www.intimacywithease.comThe Book – https://www.sexwithoutstress.comPodcast Website – https://www.intimacywithease.comAccess the Free webinar: Intimacy Made Easy: 3 Secrets to Bridging Libido Differences: https://intimacywithease.com/masterclass Get full access to Intimacy with Ease at jessazimmerman.substack.com/subscribe