Coming Up for Air — A Toolkit to Help with Your Loved One's Recovery from Addiction & Mental Illness

Linda Aber is a mother whose psychology journey deepened when she adopted two children from Russian orphanages. She is an  Attachment Parent Coach, Certified Nurtured Heart® Approach Trainer, Certified Theraplay® Group Specialist, Certified HeartMath® Anxiety/Anger Reduction Practitioner and Family Life Educator CCFE. In part 1, she joins our hosts to discuss the parasympathetic nervous system, CRAFT, and parenting.

CRAFT can work from far away. Pay attention to yourself as well as your loved one – if something increases your anxiety afterward, that’s not a great tool. Changes may not be enormous – keep trying things, and keep stepping back more and more. Shift your behavior and notice what works. This helps you keep going, and not do harm.

CRAFT is like a menu. The better your awareness of patterns from watching yourself and your loved one – over time – and experimenting to see what works, the better you understand what to choose. Laurie talks about her learning process with her son, and how it led her to understand what she could and couldn’t live with. You can learn to open your eyes, to check with yourself in a very deep way, and notice what you may not have before. The more you know about what you’re looking for, the more effective CRAFT becomes, the better your decisions in the the moment. Eventually you can say, “This isn’t working, so here are your options,” and your loved one can choose.  

In this closer look at Module 5, you’ll learn a tenet of CRAFT – rewarding positive behavior and removing rewards for negative behavior. When it comes to “using,” the moment-by-moment details become important. Your job is increasing your awareness by witnessing and noticing your loved one’s behavior. “Using” is really a larger term including before, during, and after interacting with a substance. Everything else is “not using.” When there are periods, maybe tiny ones, of not using, move in with gentle, quiet rewards of connection. It’s important, too, to learn how to calm your system enough to do this process. It’s all trial and error, so don’t judge yourself for not doing it right. But do notice how what you’re doing makes an impact. Check out Module 5 for more.

Learn about AIR’s groups – the REST group with Laurie, and the support group with Kayla – and how they became part of AIR. CRAFT isn’t easy, and can’t be done alone, in your head. These groups provide essential information, support, and feedback. You don’t have to be alone in an overwhelming, painful process.

How do you shift from being in somebody's face to a more open conversation they're more likely to truly hear? Start with Module 4 at the Allies site, and work on skills that improve your communication, increase your ability to self-soothe, and take the heat out of conversations. You can learn to engage in a way that improves the relationship -- you become part of the treatment process, not something your loved one is rebelling against.

CRAFT as choreography? Our hosts step into the metaphor of a dance with your loved one. This isn't a traditional dance -- it's a look at the steps to see what works and what doesn't, to CRAFT a new dance and change your role. The idea is to learn new tools, practice them, and see where they fit in. Be patient. It's a process.

It can be easy, particularly when those outside a situation offer advice, to overlook the history of trauma that may exist for a family member. CRAFT takes the idea of healing out of a therapy model, to a community-based model. It's a long-term process of learning new tools and ways to interact. It begins with family members understanding themselves, their patterns and reactivity, so they're equipped for the long-term work of healing -- with the support of Allies in Recovery all along the way.

Our hosts discuss their joy in witnessing the progress of families in their groups. If you’re helping your loved one, start with yourself and your own healing. Healing is, Kayla says, not best done alone. And with Allies in Recovery, you don’t have to do it alone. You get to be part of a group of people doing the work, and get support not just for concepts, but for implementing the powerful tools of CRAFT. This is the work that can help your loved one.

When your loved one is returning, communicate and collaborate -- about your expectations, concerns, and plans. Keep on collaborating over time, so that if concerns arise, your loved one can take responsibility and have agency, so that you're not running the show on your own. Without their "skin in the game," little can change. Model engagement, which is also part of the treatment process.