Horror Movie Talk

(Hansel and Gretel Movie) We saw Gretel & Hansel in theaters and I was pleasantly surprised with something that might not be the most groundbreaking film we’ve ever watched, but it succeeds admirably at breathing new life into this classic Grimm fairy tale. @dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. Gretel & Hansel Trailer https://youtu.be/QZblQLhKcZQ Gretel & Hansel Synopsis Gretel & Hansel is a reimagining and retelling of; you guessed it, Hansel and Gretel – the classic tale that warns kids not to take candy from strangers. Well, the kids are back and they have a sweet tooth. Gretel & Hansel is the third film from director Oz Perkins, who also did a cult favorite, The Blackcoat’s Daughter. This story retains all the crucial elements of the story. There are two kids (Sophia Lillis from IT as Gretel and Samuel Leakey as Hansel) who are unceremoniously kicked out of their house in the times of yore by their mother who can’t afford to feed them.  Watch Gretel & Hansel On Amazon Click here to Watch They kick around the woods for a while, starving and scared, jostled by a world that is cruel and spooky before stumbling upon a house out in the woods.  This house is owned by Barbara Crampton’s final form, Holda the witch (Alice Krige). The witch lures the kids in with delectable food, but she seems, kind of evil. Well, she is evil. Gretel & Hansel Review To me, it is surprising that Gretel and Hansel got as wide a release as it did because it has “current indy horror movie” written all over it. Also January, February, and March of 2020 is about as chalk full of horror as any year that I can recall. Gretel and Hansel takes a slightly different approach to the classic and makes it a coming of age story for our female protagonist. This movie drips with aesthetic and I swear to God the witches’ house is made by the same architect as the house from Ex Machina. Very sparse, norse sensibilities are present in the scenes, which, if you are a fan of our show, you know we love the Scandinavians and their sensibilities.  The brooding, doom-laden feel of this movie is a great way to take something as classic as Hansel and Gretel and make me care. Every corner of this film is foreboding and off-feeling.  The lighting is so dark that it reminded me of the Daniel Day-Lewis, Lincoln flick from 2012. Lots of candles used for lighting made me feel like I was right there with the kids in this strange and terrifying house. I love the acting and the style that Gretel & Hansel goes with and the atmosphere is dead-on. My only problem with this movie is that it droops throughout. As far as slow-burns go, this is as slow as they come, and while it works to an extent, I wish they would have stopped chewing the fat and cut some of the more indulgent walks in the woods and dream sequences in favor of keeping my attention.  At 87 minutes, it’s a pretty short movie, but I feel it could have easily been 70 minutes, and it would have felt very appropriate. Score 7/10 Spoilers Click to Expand Spoilers Backstory on the witch The movie starts describing the origin of the witch. There is a gifted child, and an illness befalls her. The father of the child is told to be brave against the darkness and takes the girl to be healed. The child is gifted with something called “second sight”. She is healed, but the gift of healing comes with an unseen curse.  This little girl, the witch, is evil. She kills her dad and others in the village before she is taken out into the woods and banished. Here we are given the tagline of the movie, “Beware gifts because those that offer them might mess you up hardcore.” The World is a Cruel, Scary Place The kid’s mom is not a nice lady. Actually, she is legit nuts. She aggressively pushes her kids out of the house and into a world that wants nothing more than to gobble them up. There are close calls, zombies, and a bunch of menacing figures in the background who are swallowed up by the thick, milky mist.The atmosphere is bleak and terrifying, and it works really well. The Witches House and Possible Anti-Semitism Eventually, the kids stumble across the witch’s house, and just like everything else in this movie, it’s dripping with aesthetic. The door of the house is made up of a Star of David pattern, which really flipped a switch in my brain. An evil person who steals and eats children has the Star of David patterned across her door? hmmm The house is sparse and dark, lit only by candles – it’s also hard to tell exactly how large it is. In the secret room that is hidden below the house, there is also a candelabra or bastardized Menorah that makes an appearance. This feels noteworthy to me because I know that the Brothers Grimm who wrote Hansel and Gretel had some very anti-semitic fairy tales, like The Jew Among The Thorns. How is Gretel & Hansel Different than Hansel and Gretel? Gretel & Hansel is a coming of age story for Gretel, instead of an outright warning against accepting gifts. The gift being given in this movie is the gift of womanhood or femininity. Dirty finger witch The witch is out to trap Gretel in her web of femininity by appealing to her with power and knowledge. She eats kids, not only to gain powers and stay super witchy but to build a tolerance to the thing that is a poison to her – children or motherhood. She offers Gretel the knowledge and powers that she has but warns her that she too must eat her poison to gain resistance to her own poison. Gretel’s poison is the onus of taking care of her brother, so it’s time to eat Hansel. The Ending Gretel burns the witch and Hansel makes it out alive – SHOCKER. Final Recommendations If you enjoy foreboding, spooky aesthetics and great camera work this is a great choice. It’s an even better choice if you don’t mind a story that moves very slowly.

We have a packed episode this week. We review the surprisingly good Color Out Of Space, interview the lovely Tara Westwood from The Grudge (2020), and play a new game called “fNICt or fCAGEtion”. Hold on to your alpacas, and listen to the latest Horror Movie Talk! @dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. We went and saw a screening of Color Out of Space, and turns out the color out of space…  was purple Ya don’t say! https://youtu.be/RfYAXMwCpk0 Color Out of Space Trailer Color Out of Space Synopsis Color Out of Space is a documentary of a normal Tuesday for Nicolas Cage. Sorry, that’s wrong, it’s actually based off of an H.P. Lovecraft short story of the same name. The film tells the story of the Gardner family living on a remote homestead inherited by the patriarch Nathan, played by the old god, Nicolas Cage. The rest of the Gardeners are the mother Theresa (Joely Richardson), daughter Lavinia (Madeleine Arthur), and two sons Benny (Brendan Meyer) and Jack (Julian Hilliard).  One night a meteor from SPACE came crashing down into their front yard, and infects the space time continuum with a color that has never been seen before, but is somehow nefarious. Color Out Of Space Poster Review of Color Out Of Space You might be asking yourself… how do you film a story that revolves around the concept of a color that hasn’t been seen before? That’s a good question. I don’t have an answer, but I can tell you that Richard Stanley has somehow pulled it off. This is probably one of the best depictions of cosmic horror that I have ever seen on film. Not that I have seen many, but this one is actually a really impressive adaptation of HP Lovecraft. It falls in that genre of “Weird Tale” that most recently represented in theaters by The Lighthouse. There are direct quotations from the source material, and the tone is very Lovecraftian, save for two aspects.  It’s set in modern times It’s not told via a third person recounting of a third person recounting of another third person account. The parts that are very Lovecraftian are the madness, corruption, ineffective magical rituals, and the scientist that exists only to state that something is beyond science. The corruption of the land and people happens very gradually, but builds up to a crescendo of sensory overload that is really impressive. It’s a very visually impressive movie and definitely one that you might want to go to high as balls. Score 9/10 Color Out Of Space Add Color Out Of Space to your collection Buy on Amazon Interview of Tara Westwood We had the special honor of interviewing the lovely and talented Tara Westwood. Horror movie fans will know her from her most recent role in The Grudge which is still in theaters around the world, as well as some other horror movies you might have stumbled across on Amazon Prime such as Hell Girl or A Haunting at Silver Falls. Follow Tara on Instagram, Twitter to stay apprised of her new projects. Photo by Noel Sutherland and Makeup by Bobby Spielman. Photo by Noel Sutherland and Makeup by Bobby Spielman. Photo by Noel Sutherland and Makeup by Bobby Spielman. David’s dream scenario fNICt or fCAGEtion In our newest game, I read a series of Nic Cage “facts” to David, and he had to guess if they were fNICt (fact) or fCAGEtion (fiction). Here is the list of insane Nic Cage facts. See if you can spot the fake ones. Answer key to follow. He was born Nicolas Coppola and he decided to change his last name after actors resented him because his uncle is the renowned director Francis Ford Coppola. He chose “Cage,” as his last name because he was inspired by the African-American comic book superhero Luke Cage. When he was four, he would have this recurring dream in which “I was on the toilet and this giant blonde genie woman in a gold bikini would reach into the bathroom window like King Kong and pluck me off of the toilet seat and laugh at me.” He once had a pet octopus He bought a stolen T-Rex Skull He owns an egyptian mummy He once slept in the ruins of Dracula’s Castle In Birdy (1984), he played a ladies man who was severely wounded in Vietnam, and during production, he decided to get his teeth pulled so that he could “connect with some kind of physical pain.” Jim Carrey offered him a role in Dumb and Dumber, but that he turned it down for a part as an alcoholic in Leaving Las Vegas (1995) He named one of his sons Kal-el, after Superman’s “Kryptonian name. He named one of his daughter’s Zod, after Superman’s Kryptonian nemesis He sometimes wears two pairs of sunglasses His favorite sandwich is roast lamb on white bread with “a bit of mayonnaise and arugula,” He got a “large” back tattoo of a lizard in a top hat and cane During shooting Ghost Rider, on scenes where he transformed into Ghost Rider, he would act with a railroad spike up his rectum. HE has already bought a nine foot tall stone pyramid to be buried in. He refuses to eat any living thing that has sex in a way he doesn’t find attractive. He has a penile bisection, a body modification procedure where the glans is split down the middle. He had a stalker that was a mime that would pantomime a number of weird actions during the shooting of Raising Arizona He bought the most haunted mansion in the world so he could write a horror novel.   Expand for answer key fNICt fNICt fNICt fNICt fNICt fCAGEtion fNICt fNICt fNICt fNICt fCAGEtion fNICt fNICt fNICt fCAGEtion fNICt fNICt fCAGEtion fNICt fNICt

We saw The Turning in theaters and it’s got a ton of jumpscares and some great acting, but it is hamstrung by a script that never had a clue where it was going despite having a very clear and high-quality roadmap of the story that it was based upon – The Turn of the Screw. @dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. The Turning Trailer https://youtu.be/rl33gU2APIs The Turning Synopsis While I have never read the 1898 novella, The Turn of the Screw, by Henry James, I have a feeling that it would not lend itself to the silver screen without a fair amount of changes to the original story to make it more appealing for audiences today. After having read some briefs and synopses of the novella, this movie mimics it almost point for point.  We have a young teacher, Kate (Mackenzie Davis), who is hired on a palatial estate to teach and govern a young child, Flora (Brooklynn Prince). There is one other inhabitant on the grounds, Mrs. Grose, who is the cook and maid. Watch The Turning On Amazon Click here to Watch After a short time, Flora’s teenage brother, Miles (Finn Wolfhard) appears following being expelled from school. He is quickly set up to be the antagonist of the story, seemingly very crude, lude, and rapey. The story of Kate then unravels itself in shockingly slow, slow motion that is fraught with the most exhausting bevy of jumpscares and twisty-turny bologna that I can recall. The ghost of the previous teacher is hanging around, and the ghost of her killer, Miles friend, Quint, is too.  The Turning Review I would be lying if I told you I understood what exactly there was to be scared of in this movie. I believe The Turn of the Screw was originally a very well written spooky ghost story. This movie is not adapted well to the big screen, probably because it didn’t expand much on the original novella.  The acting was actually pretty good, especially from both child actors, and the setting was pretty effective as well. The script was the real issue here, as there is just nothing around for it to hang its hat on and make it memorable or interesting. A better version of roughly this same story, is found in 2018’s The Little Stranger. The Little Stranger understood ambiguity and how to use it. Is the main character losing his mind or is this place haunted? I think ambiguity is what the source material is about, and it’s replaced in The Turning by confusion. Score 4/10 Spoilers Click to Expand for Spoilers Kate is called to act as the new governess for the children, who are recently orphaned. More to the point, she is supposed to watch Flora and later Miles shows up because it is revealed that he is expelled from his school for shocking violence. Wait… You know it might just be easier if you read the actual plot of The Turn of the Screw novella from this Wikipedia article. Yes, this movie occurs in almost exactly the same timeline as that section of the wiki. Seem uninspired? Yeah, it kind of is. Kate and Mrs. Grose share a sweet embrace The Jumpscares There are lots of jumpscares in this movie, some good, some not so good. But there are tons! There are so many jumpscares that I started to become shellshocked, or at least exhausted by them. Every day in the story contains light frivolity and a pang of weirdness, and every night contains a healthy dose of jumpscares and dark hallways. The House This house is seriously huge and suffers from a major case of spooky house syndrome (SHS). It’s got lights that turn on and off for no reason, sewing machines the pop to life, and dozens of mannequins ready to terrify as Kate backs into them, one after another. While the house is plenty spooky, it’s not utilized in the way that it could have been. There is an eerie line delivered at the start of the movie by one of the children about the East wing. “We don’t go there.” The ‘why’ to that could have been explored and expanded upon to such a degree that the movie would be substantive. The Lack of Ambiguity The thing that made the original story work, from what I have read, is ambiguity. There is supposed to be a question of whether or not this house is haunted or whether Kate is losing her mind. Is young Miles actually a terror who wants to have sex with his governess or is he being controlled by the spirit of Quint? None of this ambiguity makes it to the audience in The Turning. Instead, it’s a mishmash of confusing maybe-it-happened maybe-it-didn’t dream sequences and nightmares. The End Holy hell. First, we get a false ending. Kate drives the kids off of the property under extreme duress and escapes. But then she wakes up and is scolded for being crazy by the children and the maid. Don’t ever talk to me or my daughter again! There is a half-baked attempt to suggest that Kate is exactly as her mother is – totally insane, then the movie ends. There is no follow-through, no explanation – it just ends. Final Recommendations Kids and teens might be in over their heads in terms of scares with The Turning, but I think the PG-13 rating makes it for them more than anyone else. If you have a well-refined bullshit-o-meter, stay away. Horror Movie News The Onania Club trailer from writer, director Tom Six gives a glimpse into one of the most fucked up ideas I can imagine. https://youtu.be/IhuZnGPUkoQ

Our patrons voted for this week’s movie review, and they selected Crawl. This was a movie we let slip by us when it was in theaters. However, now we know, you don’t just slip by gators, they will look for you, they will find you, and they will kill you. @dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing artwork. Follow him and check out his website. Crawl Trailer https://youtu.be/H6MLJG0RdDE Crawl can is available for rent or purchase on your favorite video platform. Synopsis The movie follows Floridian Haley (Kaya Scodelario), a competitive swimmer that goes to check on her father before a category 5 hurricane hits. She discovers that her father Dave (Barry Pepper) is in the CRAWL space below his house with a broken leg from an alligator attack. She finds out quickly that there are not one, but two hyper-aggressive gators that will stop at nothing to kill them both. What proceeds is a game of gator and mouse where they try to escape the gators in a labyrinthian and increasingly flooded crawlspace. Crawl Poster My Review This movie has a simple set up and delivers exactly what you would want out of it: ridiculous gator action. Before coming to Dave’s crawlspace, these gators must have stopped by Tony Montana’s and consumed the mountain of coke on his desk. These gators are ridiculously aggressive. The two main characters are constantly in danger, but are protected by the most powerful substance known to man… plot armor. So for an hour and a half, as we watch them try to outsmart the gators to accomplish the impossible task of… you know crawl a couple feet to the stairs, we are introduced to a steady stream of possible saviors who are immediately attacked and torn apart by ravenous gators. Oil me up daddy, it’s dinner time, and I’m a little soup-boy. Chompa. Chompa. I’ve said it before. I’m not a huge fan of monster movies. But I can appreciate the ones that are done well. This is one of those. The situation is creative, the pacing of the plot is great. Even the tension is high throughout the movie because of the rising water. It really is a great device to move the plot forward. There is also a decent amount of character development between Haley and her father.  If all that bores you and you are only coming for alligator attacks, you will not be disappointed. Everything from just plain gator bites to being completely drawn and quartered by a congregation of gators is covered. Getting Drawn and Quartered by Gators Overall it’s a really well written and executed creature feature that maintains tension, has the proper amount of ridiculous action, and doesn’t overstay its welcome. Score for Crawl 7/10 Crawl (2019) Add Crawl to your collection Buy on Amazon Spoilers Expand for spoilers The Good CGI The CGI is really good in this movie. The alligators looked very real. The only thing that would tip you off that they are CGI alligators is that there are certain lunges and movements that a real gator couldn’t pull off in real life. However, these moments are used to great effect, since there is a shocking and creepy factor that comes with them. Water Induced Tension The water rising as a tension building device is fantastic. It almost acts as a meter for their peril. As the movie goes on, the rate of the water rising increases. By the half point of the film, the crawlspace is about halfway filled with water. As the film speeds towards it’s conclusion, the levee breaks, and all of a sudden, the water reaches the second floor in minutes. https://youtu.be/uwiTs60VoTM Character Development I don’t expect much from Character development, but this movie checks enough boxes for me to say that it has a decent amount. The relationships within the film feel real, and the audience is allowed to establish empathy with the characters. Which, in turn, gets the audience to actually care whether or not they get eaten. Last weeks film, Underwater, failed in this regard. Gator Action Alligators bite people. What more do you want? The Bad There isn’t a lot to complain about with this film. The only minor complaint is that it suffers from the “bitch-get-out-tha-house” syndrome. This is where the protagonists fail to make very simple and obvious decisions that will get them to safety. This is a common trope in horror movies, and is really a foundational element in a lot of ways. So overall, there isn’t much to dislike about Crawl. https://youtu.be/px8o_9-QV2c https://youtu.be/p_NS2H55dxI https://youtu.be/gKQOXYB2cd8 https://youtu.be/M7zrHiqoJ6k

Underwater is in theaters right now and I did not expect much, which left me pleasantly surprised when I didn’t have a bad time. As far as underwater spooks and adventure go, Underwater is unique enough to hold my attention, but it doesn’t pull off anything amazing.  Dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing pic. Follow him for more great horror art. Also, check out his website. Underwater Synopsis Underwater stars Kristen Stewart as Norah, T.J. Miller as the unnamed goofball, and Vincent Cassel as the captain who looks just like my friend Brent. https://youtu.be/Rszr56AH3Co This is an incredibly simple story that starts with Kristen Stewart describing life  – underwater – in this massive – underwater – facility that is made to support a drilling operation at the bottom of the Mariana Trench, which of course, is – underwater.  Want to watch Underwater? Click the button to watch on Amazon Click here to Watch After a few minutes the facility begins to implode, and our leading lady is forced to begin her – underwater – quest to escape.  Along the way she runs into a few friends who have miraculously survived the facility being torn to shred at this crushing depth. Once she meets up with the captain, they hatch a plan to escape but soon find themselves in over their heads! Feel the intense teeth-brushing action! Underwater Review Underwater is a by-the-books movie that reminded me of Sphere (1998) mixed with Aliens and The Abyss.  T.J Miller does exactly what you think he is going to do, and so does Kristen Stewart. In fact, all of the characters do the things you think they are going to do. Does that make it bad? No, just predictable. Pretty cool poster, if I do say so. I liked the monster design in this, which is saying something because I rarely enjoy monster design. Score for Underwater 6/10 Spoilers for Underwater Expand for Spoilers There isn’t a whole lot to spoil in this movie. If you read my synopsis, you kind of get it. The monster(s) are really the x-factor and the interesting part of this movie, along with the journey to the bottom of the sea. Kids Piloting Multi-Trillion Dollar Drilling Rigs Ok, this is going to make me sound like a wet, old fart, but goddamnit I’m going to say it anyway. Twenty somethings are not who I would expect to be the focus of this movie. There’s a freaking intern for Christ-sake! For another totally implausible underwater scenario, check out our review of The Meg https://www.horrormovietalk.com/2018/08/24/the-meg/ Haggard men in their thirties and forties are the key demo here, both in real life and in movies of old based on similar situations. Call me sexist, but it’s true! Here is a list of movies that show remote places and bad situations for what they are – stinky and men-ridden: The Thing Blood Diamond Alien Aliens Alien³ “But David, three of those movies have a female lead!” That’s the exception that proves the rule. Apart from Aliens, Sigourney Weaver is almost the only female in the whole damn movie, and she looks as stinky and gross as the men she hangs with. I’m not sure where I’m going with this because to be honest, Underwater wouldn’t be nearly as attractive without Stewart at the helm. So maybe I’ll just swallow my vaguely sexist criticism and enjoy the kids piloting the world’s most expensive/dangerous drilling project. The Monster(s) We are introduced to the monsters early and often, but rarely do we get a solid look at them until the very end, which I appreciate. We get to see fleeting quick glimpses of strange blurry hands and octo-faces darting around. Mostly we get to see the remains of others that the monsters leave behind. Eventually, at the crescendo, we see a bevvy of the monsters hanging from – you guessed it – the bottom of the Roebuck drilling station that our surviving crew needs to enter. As the crew make their way through the forest of limp floating arms of the creatures, the awake. My friend Brenners, AKA the captain from Underwater They are hideous and effective, but obviously small compared to something else that we hear throughout the movie – the leviathan! The leviathan is a truly massive monster, larger than most Kaiju I’ve seen. probably on par with Cthullu. The most interesting part about the leviathan is that the smaller humanoid creatures seem to live on it, and do it’s bidding. I liked the monster(s), which is rare for me. Final Recommendations If you like monster movies, godzilla/kaiju, or Cthullu then Underwater is for you. It’s a action oriented monster movie that has a quippy T.J. Miller and a sexy Kristen Stewart – standard stuff. It’s not great but I thoroughly expected to hate it and I didn’t. I would watch this again while drunk or high.

We went and saw The Grudge, and I feel like I’m taking crazy pills, because I liked it. That’s because it’s a dark and moody sequel/reboot of The Grudge. Nicolas Pesce wrote and directed the film, and brings a more serious and weighty tone to the proceedings. This is the first Grudge film to earn an R-rating, and it is warranted not only for the violence, but also for the mature subject matter. @Dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing image. Follow him for more greatness. https://youtu.be/O2NKzO-fxwQ See The Grudge can in theaters now The Grudge 2020 Synopsis This film is a soft reboot sequel of the American Grudge from 2004. It tells the story of a single mother Detective Muldoon (Andrea Riseborough) as she moves to a new police force and discovers a dead body in the woods. Muldoon’s partner Detective Goodman (Demián Bichir) is disturbed when the body is connected with previous murder cases he investigated. As established in the previous Grudges and the opening credits, when someone is killed in a violent rage, a curse is formed around the place of death. Goodman mysteriously tries to dissuade Muldoon from investigating too deeply, and DEFINITELY NOT GO IN THE HOUSE. As you can guess, she goes in the house. As Detective Muldoon investigates the current and previous murders, the film flashes back to tell the story of three families in different stages of life all being haunted, and hunted by the same curse. Review of The Grudge (2020) I haven’t seen any of the previous Grudge’s or the original Ju-On, so I was going in blind. However, the information I needed was provided in the opening credits: Murder bad. Make curse. Curse Bad. This technique I actually liked, but I admit it does lessen the mystery a bit. But since this is a sequel, all that information has already been established. Dark Tone The director Nicolas Pesce sets a measured pace and a moody tone for this movie, which for me, helped to build up the dread. There isn’t much mystery, or any real surprises in terms of the plot, but it does still feel compelling because of the inevitability of what you know is going to happen. It’s like watching a slow-mo train wreck.  The first act takes it’s time to develop characters. Each family is introduced in turn with a unique situation that inspires empathy. Therefore it does feel like there are stakes. The most interesting of the bunch is probably the elderly Matheson family that is dealing with dementia and assisted suicide.  R-Rated Horror This is definitely a one trick pony though. Along the lines of The Conjuring movies, it’s more of a vehicle for jump scares. Some of the scares are effective, but they are generally pretty sparse until the end. With the R-rating, it is able to delve into some more graphic violence. This is a pretty “light R” since there are only a few moments that earn the rating, but they are effective and pack a punch. When we left the theater, both David and I thought it was a good movie. Despite it’s slow pace and general predictability, it’s a well crafted movie with a distinctive tone and gravitas. We covered Nicolas Pesce’s last movie, Piercing a while ago and I think he has an really interesting style. Negative Reactions on Twitter Upon checking twitter, we are in the minority on this movie. People and critics apparently HATE this movie. It has worse scores on Rotten Tomatoes than CATS, which is ridiculous to me. I felt like I saw a completely different movie. I don’t know what people were expecting from it, but apparently they were VERY disappointed with the film. Most of the criticisms about it are that it is “boring” or that it didn’t feature the original girl ghost “Kayako” as much as they wanted.  Score for The Grudge (2020) 6/10 The Grudge (2020) Pre-order on Amazon.com. Pre-order Now Final Recommendations I stand by my original impressions upon leaving the theater. I think it’s worth a watch.

2019 treated us very well in terms of how our podcast is doing and in terms of great horror movies. I would even go so far as to say we were spoiled by 2019. So let’s take a look at what we love and hated about the horror movies that we reviewed in 2019. We had such a great time with horror in 2019! Worst Horror Movies of 2019 The Prodigy This was such a boring movie that I resent it for technically being decent enough to be called mediocre. This is a movie that holds the title of “mediocrity” high above it’s head and smiles. From Miles, the boring antagonist child, to his boring parents that boring birthed him, this movie is one that I will not watch again. Click here to watch The Prodigy on Amazon. Greta While not committing any mortal sins, Greta manages to be more forgettable than The Prodigy. This PG-13 thriller has a great trailer that leads one to believe that things will get real crazy, real fast. All that ends up happening is kidnapping and some Boo-box play. Yawn. Click here to watch Greta on Amazon. The Curse of La Llorona Looking back on this, we only gave it a 4/10 but this movie was (in my mind) a 2/10. The real curse was having to sit through an hour and a half long movie that could have been 22 minutes of witless bullshit. This was a clear cash grab that the studio behind The Conjuring franchise, and hopefully not a sign of things to come. Click here to watch The Curse of La Llorona on Amazon. Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark To be honest with you, SStTitD was not that bad. It was really my fault for getting my hopes up about a movie that is nodding at my childhood nostalgia and winking. This is a fine movie to introduce young teens to the genre, but if you are looking for interesting concepts or a fun time, look elsewhere. Click here to watch Scary Stories to Tell in the Dark on Amazon. Best Horror Movies of 2019 The Dead Don’t Die The Dead Don’t Die is lowkey one of the best movies of the year in terms of entertainment value, star power, script, and acting. Taking a totally fucked-out premise like zombies and making it fun and funny again is always impressive. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bs5ZOcU6Bnw You can’t do better than this cast: Bill Murray Adam Driver Tom Waits Chloë Sevigny Steve Buscemi Danny Glover RZA Tilda Swinton Iggy Pop Selena Gomez Sturgill Simpson Click here to watch The Dead Don’t Die on Amazon. Midsommar Think cults are spooky? What about being drugged? Bright colors? Yea, this movie mashes up some of the most unused tropes and ideas into a terrifically horrific masterpiece. https://youtu.be/1Vnghdsjmd0 As director Ari Aster’s second hit horror movie, this is a ride and a half for the viewer. The whole movie resembles a drug trip in a very innocuous way, and the end crescendos into one of the most upsetting things I witnessed all year. You must see this. Click here to watch Midsommar on Amazon. Ready or Not Ready or Not came straight out of left field and clocked me. Everything about this movie was charming and fun. This will go down as one of the great meta-horror/comedies of all time. https://youtu.be/ZtYTwUxhAoI Our podcast review of Ready or Not makes me believe that scream queens are back. Make sure to listen to our podcast review of Ready or Not to hear the Debut of our best game to date: Horror or Porno. Click here to watch Ready or Not on Amazon. Doctor Sleep I can’t believe how much I enjoyed this adventure horror movie! I thought for sure that any movie trying to follow The Shining would fail miserably. How wrong I was! https://youtu.be/BOzFZxB-8cw Everything about this movie enthralled me. The story was fun, the characters were believable. The baddies in this movie were so bad, so evil, it made me want nothing more than to see them suffer! Click here to watch Doctor Sleep on Amazon. Here’s to 2020! Thank you for listening to the podcast and supporting the show! We couldn’t do it without you!

We streamed Rare Exports, and much like Finland, it was cold and dark. This horror film has more to do with Lovecraft than a run-of-the-mill slasher or monster movie. There is a lot of dread and high-concept build up. While the ending might not be satisfying, it stands out as the most entertaining part of the movie, and is worth the wait. @Dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing pic. Follow him for more great horror art. Rare Exports can be found streaming free on Crackle, or on Amazon Prime or Hulu if you subscribe to either of those. https://youtu.be/PwT3wtUCv9Y Rare Exports Synopsis Rare Exports tells that tried and true christmas yarn of a young boy discovering that Santa Claus is real. This heartwarming tale set in Finland follows Pietarri and his widowed father as they try to make ends meet in the frosty North. But tragedy strikes when the winter livestock tragically dies, it’s up to Pietarri to discover the magic of Santa and save Christmas. Review of Rare Exports This movie is a lot of fun in retrospect, but to be honest you really have to be in the mood for this type of film. Like most scandinavian films it is very dry and has a real particular type of slow drip black humor. It has a very unique mix of lovecraftian horror and schlock that you really don’t see very often. Like most Lovecraftian stories, a lot of the exposition is third hand and can feel rather clinical. However, the ideas in this movie are genuinely fun if you can endure the desert-level dryness of the humor. The film is played SO straight that it is easy to miss how crazy and fun the concepts are within it. Erin walked in on the ending scene and upon explaining the plot to her, I realized how fun the movie must sound.  It’s at the top of a lot of Christmas Horror Movie lists, but it’s not personally my favorite. That spot is still reserved for Silent Night, Deadly Night. Score for Rare Exports Score 7/10 Rare Exports Watch the full movie now on Amazon Prime Watch on Amazon Rare Exports Spoilers The film opens with the excavation of big hill. It feels straight out of Lovecraft, specifically At the Mountain of Madness. There are allusions to a discovery of ancient origins underneath a layer of insulation sawdust. Pietari and Jusso watch the men excavating, later Pietari discovers a bunch of ancient legends of Santa Claus being an evil entity with horns that punished naughty children. Mysterious footprints show up around Pietari’s house, and he assumes they are from Santa. On the yearly hunt, it’s discovered that all of the reindeer have been slaughtered close to the mountain with the drilling. The men want compensation from the drilling company for their lost livelihood. …Rudolph? Pietari studies more about Santa legends and discovers ancient tales of Santa being captured in ice. Wolf trap is tripped and an old bearded man is discovered. Pietarri’s father and his friends try to communicate with the man, but are unable. The old man seems to be drawn to Pietari. This convinces Pietari that the man is Santa. The group decides to sell santa to the drilling company. When the American running the excavation arrives he informs them that it isn’t Santa, it’s one of his “helpers”. All of a sudden they are swarmed by hundreds of naked old men “helpers”. When they escape to a hanger and discover that there is a giant block of ice with horns sticking out of it. All the towns heaters, hairdryers, and radiators are pointing at it. Also, all of the towns children are sacked up around the ice block. Disney’s Santa On Ice They use all the bagged children as bait for the helpers and blow up iceblock santa. With all the excess helpers no longer under Santa’s spell, they spend the whole year training them to be mall santas and ship them out all over the world at a price. Santa Training Final Recommendations Rare Exports is worth seeing. It is a high quality, quirky christmas horror movie that deserves acclaim. Keep in mind that it is more of a high concept horror than an actual slasher or monster movie.

Bury Christmas everyone! ROFLOLOLOL!!!! No, but seriously folks, we like to joke… This week we review the new 2019 Model of Black Christmas. It’s a genuine attempt to reimagine Bob Clark’s 1974 classic through the lens of today’s modern woman. Listen to our full review on our latest episode or read the summary below. Also in this episode, we play Taglines and a new game called “Black Christmas or Black Christmas or Black Christmas”. Enjoy. @Dgoebel00 on instagram provided this amazing pic. Follow him for more great horror art. Synopsis of Black Christmas 2019 Sabina, Elena, and Jane are working for the mysterious Charles Townsend, whose security and investigative agency has expanded internationally. With the world’s smartest, bravest, and most highly trained women all over the globe, there are now teams of Angels guided by multiple Bosleys… Oh wait that’s charlies angels Black Christmas is the second in the increasingly loosely based remakes of Bob Clark’s 1974 Black Christmas. The story follows 4 close-knit Hawthorne College sorority sisters named Riley (Imogen Poots), Kris (Aleyse Shannon), Marty (Lily Donoghue), and Jesse (Brittany O’Grady) during the very beginning of winter break. While most of the campus is abandoned by students going home for the holidays, these bold gen-z women opt to stay on campus and party with the other christmas holiday “orphans”. Soon it is apparent that they are being stalked by a mysterious man or men who are attacking and killing sorority sisters one by one. As we follow Sophie and company, it is revealed that the stalker/stalkers are part of a larger more nefarious conspiracy: THE PATRIARCHY. Black Christmas (1974) Add the BLuray to your collection or stream it now. Buy on Amazon Written, directed, and led by young women, this film’s diva cup runneth over with female empowerment. It is so loosely based on the original that it barely maintains the scaffolding of women at college being stalked by a killer. What it does bring to the party is straight ahead, unsubtle social commentary for today’s generation of women.  Quick Review of Black Christmas 2019 I imagine that this film is going to get a lot of hate, and there are a lot of creative and studio decisions that hinder its success, but I must say that I admire the creative vision of this movie. This film seems like a genuine attempt to reimagine Black Christmas through the lens of today’s generation, with today’s technology. Supplanting the themes of abortion rights and women’s lib, are the modern themes of rape culture and well, still women’s lib… I guess we’re still working on that. Watch Black Christmas 2019 On Amazon Click here to Watch  Like I said before, it is not subtle in its message of social commentary, but in this case, I prefer the straight ahead messaging vs lame tacked-on virtue of other “woke” horror films. In terms of plot, this film goes charging off the rails in the third act. The end is truly ridiculous, but it is good campy fun.  The biggest hindrance and distraction of the film was its pg-13 rating. It’s so distracting and jarring at some points that it resembles a television edit from the late 80’s. But since they wanted to market the film to the younger generation of women movie goers, they had to say “yippee ki yay, mr. falcon” to their R-rating. https://youtu.be/DuQP4d_r_Gs?t=233 Score for Black Christmas (2019) 6/10 Spoilers for Black Christmas Expand for spoilers The film doesn’t go to great lengths to create a mystery over who the killer is. It is shown early on that the killer is obviously from the same fraternity that Riley’s rapist is from. Riley stumbles into a secret ritual involving an old bust that is weeping black goo. I cry because of my dying privilege If you’re wondering if they ever explain what the black goo is. Don’t hold your breath. It’s bad, and it makes men bad. That’s pretty much the extent of it. The bust is of the founder of the frat, and apparently he dabbled a bit in black magic and left instructions on how to use said magic (and goo?) to put women back in their place. It is eventually revealed that the killer is actually killers. The whole frat is out to kill or force into servitude all the women on campus. It’s pretty crazy. In the end, the women come off victorious. Final Recommendations With the holiday season and Star Wars coming out, it’s slim pickings for horror movies in the theater. This was a fun movie that genuinely tried to be some thing new. It’s not terrible, and is a little bit better than average. At the very least it will spark conversation. I’d recommend you see it. Star Wars will still be there in a week.

We saw Backcountry on Netflix, and it is an effective enough one-trick pony. Unlike The Ruins movie we reviewed earlier, there are no super-natural elements, the threat is just a plain ol’ bear. I laughed and cried, and sometimes it wasn’t ironic! Oh my God, @Dgoebel00 on INSTA provided this amazing pic. Check him out on his site as well. https://youtu.be/46uwmzTf5nA Backcountry Synopsis Backcountry is the 2014 story of a woodsy kind of guy named Alex (Jeff Roop) and his urban girlfriend, Jenn (Missy Peregrym), who are heading into the woods for a late-season camping trip. It’s directed and written by Adam MacDonald. Watch Backcountry Watch it on Amazon Backcountry Movie Early in the movie, we meet a Park Ranger (Nicholas Campbell) who warns the couple that they should probably bring a map and look out for inclement weather, but Alex don’t need none of that shit! He’s a man’s man who knows these woods like the back of his country, and he don’t need no stinking map. As the couple heads into the woods they quickly end up with more camping trip than they bargained for. Backcountry Review Backcountry is a one-trick pony that relies on a surprisingly well-grounded theme – The woods are scary, and so are wild animals. Most of the movie left me scratching my head and rewinding to try to make sense of dialog or acting that didn’t seem to fit the situation. Why are they worried about a single snapped tree? Why didn’t the movie make a point of that tree before it was snapped to show the audience that this is certainly out of place? Lots of little details like this made the movie a little frustrating for me.  Overall, I do appreciate the simplicity of this movie and its premise and the stakes. It was fun to watch with a friend and plays on a very reliable fear, being alone in the woods at night. Score for Backcountry 6/10 Spoilers for Backcountry Backcountry is a barebones kind of movie. Lots of it is composed of vaguely wandering through the woods, with little to no dialog. There are only four characters in the movie, our two protagonists, the park ranger at the beginning, and Brad in the first third of the movie. Unless you count the bear, I mean. So beware, those are the stakes. Check Out The Big Knife on Brad! After they canoe across the lake and set up camp initially, we meet Brad, a dreamy outdoorsman who starts to chat up Jenn while Alex is off gathering wood. Alex is cagey upon meeting Brad, and this causes a rift in the new relationship. Stupid sexy Brad! Brad shares his fish with the two before doling out his machismo upon Alex. Brad reveals that he is an outdoor guide who is well-versed in the area. He also reveals a huge skinning knife and his disdain for the snap judgment that Alex made on him and his kindness. Brad leaves our couple after dinner, a wink, and a slug of whiskey, which left me extremely uneasy. Humans in the woods are, by far, the scariest thing to me. People represent a very creepy and unreliable X-factor, in a place that’s far away from law and order. Brad is a great addition to the story because he sets up the stakes, which feel alarmingly high for a hike in the woods. The Path Less Traveled As our couple gets on their way, there is a point where Alex chooses the path less traveled. He seems sure of himself, so Jenn follows, and they eventually set up camp. Every night we get to see them sleeping and hear the creepy sounds of the woods. This is effective in all the right ways. Who knows what’s out there? The couple wakes up each day to a campsite that is a little different than they left it. As Alex recognizes the signs that they are almost to the waterfall they set out to see, he quickens his pace. When they walk out into the open, they both realize that they are not in the right place at all – they are totally lost. Until this point in the movie there has been a lot of filler of the couple just walking through the woods, almost like a montage set to bird and woods sounds. It is at this point where the action begins, and thank God. I couldn’t take five more minutes of boring plodding. Panic Sets In Jenn is confused and scared, and rightfully so. She throws a series of questions at Alex: Where are we? I don’t know. How did we get here? I guess I don’t remember the area as I did in High School. Are you stupid? Yes. Concern grips the actors. The couple has a big argument, and it is revealed that Alex was going to propose to Jenn once they got to the waterfall. The fight feels like it erupts out of the blue, which it does. It was decently setup with the campfire banter throughout the movie thus far. It’s just a bit comical how it plays out with high school relationship levels of volatility. Backcountry Bear Attack One morning they wake up, and their food is gone, they frame a raccoon, but we all know who the culprit really is. They are panicked, foodless, and one toke over the line, trying to make sense of where they are. They go to bed and wake up looking at a big black bear outside the tent. Don’t be fooled, that cute bear would step over his own mother to eat you! That bear attacks them, and I do mean it attacks the shit out of them. If I had to draw a picture with words – imagine a bear with speed lines and ultra-roaring powers. Wiggle-cam is in full effect during the attack. Jenn has a can of bear mace in-hand throughout the whole attack, and she gives it a shot once, but mostly she just watches Alex get eaten alive. https://youtu.be/X0AHvPpGrDU Compare this bear attack against The Revenant bear attack below https://youtu.be/GOlVRHsVzE4 No contest, but this is a blockbuster, so not a fair comparison I enjoy how true to life this attack is. The bear is just a bear, not some super-bear with a laser attached to its butt. It’s just a bear that does what you might expect a late-season bear to do – eat what it finds. Jenn’s actions, while super annoying, are pretty realistic too. Failing to use the bear spray in her hands is what I might expect from my wife in such a situation. Run, Jenny, Run At this point Jenn is running from the bear. I did mention this was a one-trick-pony, right? At some point she finds the waterfall, climbs down it, suffers a crunchy fall that surely breaks some bones. She finds the canoe, crosses the lake and finds the search party is set to come look for her being headed by – you guessed it, Brad. She’s definitely going to marry Brad. Plenty of parts in the chase made me squeamish because of how real and plausible they seemed. It was a pretty obvious ending, but hey, it’s pretty real too. Final Recommendations This is an easy choice for a Friday night movie at home, snuggled up on the couch, poking your friend at every twig snap. Nothing showy or hard to get into, and it really does tap into a primal fear that is magnified artificially by our distance from nature now. Backcountry is fun and ironically funny, and mostly coherent.  If you want a similar but better movie, check out The Ritual, which centers on a group of friends who have to deal with something more sinister in the woods.