Your Mom's House with Christina P. and Tom Segura

Would you marry your mom? Really. That's so cool, cause like, me too. Kiss her for real. The Mommies moved this week and with a lot of help came a lot of stranger dumps. So many. Plus a really massive, fat lady will let you pay to watch her be gross. Master of Accents, Pup Play and a lot more. As always, Bert is so fat and it's being celebrated all over the world.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

We did it, We locked down the guy who will call you a C**T to your face. That's right, Dan Pena is on the show! So fun to talk to the master of cursing in business. Dan was as fun as you might imagine. Plus the Jeans are not only fresh off their Bannismurfurney where they got a Couples Massage (yuck), Tina also claims disrupted relaxing time with a F-A-R-T. AND, seems that President Camacho is actually going to run the free world. Interesting times ahead!Many Masterful Accents in this one! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Even babies know the truth - Bert IS fat, but also our dear friend Burnt Chrystals has a new special coming to Showtime called The Machine and he goes by the name Bert Kreischer in it. Plus Tommy and Tina watched the movie, Shark Bites - you might like but it has one BIG flaw (same as the Martian with Matt Damon). There's a really white DJ who really feels comfortable with BIG WORDS and all kinds of accents to master in this one. Who is the Water Champ? Now we can all be with the NEW Water Champ shirt! Get one for Christmas or just to show everyone who H2Flow is in your house. Keep those jeans up! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

NO Loose jeans allowed here. We find the ultimate dad boner who relights the fire that only Garth can put out. Plus, Tommy AKA Tomaso speaks eh, de Espanish on TV, we have Would You Rather, Perfect Smiles and MORE! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week on YMH, Tom and Christina take a look at Christina's ex-boyfriend who know works as an insane deck hand, a couple of fighting brothers who desperately want you to look at them, and go in depth on Tom's most recent physical Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

This week, the mommies watch a bunch of public service announcements, some hilarious, some horrible. They also get a translation for the Persian voicemail, which kicks us off to a journey into Christina's childhood. Wipe down! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Put on your lovey jeans, Jeans! It's ValenTIMES day! Today is the official kissy face day in America according to the US constitution Abraham Lincoln and Benjamin Franklin were kissing in a bathtub when George Washington walked in on them and said "Less war, more Kissies, guys." And that's how that happened. This episode covers the jammy jams that are now all about droppin some D in warm, welcoming place (the essence of Valentimes). The Mommy's also try to make a love connection happen in the real world! Comedian and friend Erik Lundy is looking for love and we want to help him. Listen and perhaps, PERHAPS, love him! Run a bath, light some candles and get ready for the love from both of us!  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

If someone weighs 600 pounds and they want more food, give it to 'em! Extreme weigh gain has a profound impact on you physically and psychologically - and also on those who see you. If you're sick of being where you're at, listen to CT Fletcher spit encouragement. Tina loves to ride her BIKE! (BIKES!) and she wears her helmet like a good girl. If you ride a bike, please obey the rules of the road, fartknocker. Tommy is pushing hard to lease a LAMBO for business purposes. Will Tina approve of the deal??? The SHAHS are back on Bravo and we talk about episode 1 of the new season. We give our heartfelt advice to a Mommy in need and we update you on our Brown. Would You Rather and more. Wipe until you bleed! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

Sometimes you have to listen closely to hear all the magic that's in the air (air that escapes from our butt). Luckily, we had a microphone to Tommy's butt on the Bertcast and we've got the audio ready for you. Lil Debbie is a wanna be ratchet girl who really talks like a valley girl, but who cares? We keeps it real. Charo tells us another cab driving story only this time it's in Spanish and English and Spanish and Spangrish. Top Dog gets on the horn to discuss the diagnosis that he's a sociopath and Super Maria is FIRED UP about a RUDE lady at, where else, Starbucks. Plus we read from GG Allin's diary. This episode really covers all your basic dietary needs.  Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices

It's HERE! We made it all the way to Episode 100! What better way to celebrate than with the little man who started it all with us, our son, Redban. This episode is so much mommy it's completely made of denim! As as treat to you, the little mommy, we have special appearances from OMG Seriouslahhhhh Maria, Top Dog, and Gigolo Brace! Plus SOOOOO much more! Your Mommies Love You! Learn more about your ad choices. Visit megaphone.fm/adchoices