Conflict Decoded Podcast

In this episode, I’m joined by Jill Poklemba in an honest conversation inspired by Dr. Yanique Redwood’s White Women Cry & Call Me Angry. We get into the messy and uncomfortable realities of whiteness in social justice spaces—how it shows up in ways white people don’t always notice, and how terms like “progressive” can sometimes do more to mask internalized racism than reveal it. Jill and I explore the ways white women unintentionally use vulnerability as a way to deflect, making it harder to be called out and, ultimately, to become effective accomplices. We also talk about reclaiming real connection, breaking free from old, unhelpful roles like the “Rescuer” or “Victim,” and the deeper work of showing up fully for racial justice. If you’re a white person committed to dismantling racism, I hope this conversation will offer space for reflection, camaraderie, and inspiration. SHOW NOTES Earlier this year, I reached out to Dr. Yanique Redwood, racial justice strategist and author of White Women Cry & Call Me Angry, inviting her to join me on my podcast. Her personal recounting of the dismissals and hurt she experienced from White women in the philanthropy sector moved me, and I wanted my listeners to learn from her. She shared that she’s focused on supporting Black women now but asked if I’d be willing to talk with a White woman about her book—a mini-book club of sorts. I said yes, of course. This week’s episode with Jill Poklemba—development, public policy, and communications specialist with over twenty years in the social change field—emerged from there. If you’re a white person, grappling with how to do your part to dismantle racism, within yourself and in the world, I hope you’ll tune in. In this intimate conversation, we talk about: The trauma of becoming White and being separated (hundreds of years ago) from our indigeneity Why reclaiming relationship with each other is key to healing Why calling ourselves progressive can be a form of gaslighting How white women wield their vulnerability as a weapon to shut down criticism, and how this makes it harder to call us out The Rescue Triangle (Rescuer - Victim - Perpetrator) and how to get untrapped As well as all sorts of steps we can take to dismantle both internalized racism and systems of white supremacy out in the world. I hope you’ll listen. (And buy the book! White Women Cry & Call Me Angry.) And I hope (especially if you’re a white woman!) you’ll stay with me in the struggle. Because as former slave and civil rights leader Frederick Douglass wrote and Dr. Yanique Redwood shares in her book: “Those who profess to favor freedom and yet deprecate agitation are people who want crops without plowing the ground. They want rain without thunder and lightning. They want the ocean without the roar of its mighty waters. The struggle may be a moral one or it may be a physical one, or it may be both moral and physical, but it must be a struggle.” Bios Dr. Yanique Redwood is an author, speaker, racial justice strategist, and facilitator of intimate spaces that center care and connection among Black people and people of color. In August 2023, she self-published her first book White Women Cry and Call Me Angry: A Black Woman’s Memoir on Racism in Philanthropy. She is also the founder of Collective Work, a consultancy devoted to helping organizations answer the question: What liberatory practices can we collectively cultivate so that our strategy is powerfully and authentically executed? She lives in Washington, DC but spends most of her time in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Jill Poklemba has worked in public policy and human services for over 20 years, with the last 15+ years spent working for several different non-profit organizations in New York City, focusing on fundraising and communications. In that time, she has been driven by a focus on dismantling systems of oppression built by the culture of white supremacy that still dominates our society and replacing its core value system of exploitation and colonization with one that centers on healing and love. She also works toward building intersectional relationships with leaders in the field of philanthropy as means of re-directing resources to shift the power structure, lift up communities of color, and replace the culture of white supremacy with a value system that is rooted in a deep love of humanity. Links White Women Cry & Call Me Angry, Dr. Yanique Redwood Decolonizing Wealth, Edgar Villanueva Freedom is a Constant Struggle, Angela Y. Davis Nikole Hannah-Jones, The 1619 Project Liberated Capital Fund Soul Fire Farm Tema Okun - Characteristics of White Supremacy The Book on Fire - Caliban & the Witch Intro Episode

One of the hardest things about being a leader is needing to make choices that will make someone you care about mad, no matter what you do. My guest for this week’s episode of Conflict Decoded, former Amherst, MA, town councilor and mindfulness teacher Dr. Shalini Bahl, knows this dynamic well. As Shalini shares in our conversation, to make wise decisions and move through challenging dynamics in our workplaces and communities, we need practices that help us shift perspective. We need support to help us shift from feeling threatened to facing a place of calm, compassion, and curiosity within. When we develop the ability to recenter ourselves, even when others project angry feelings or comments at us, we can expand our perception and develop more creative solutions to complex challenges. One of the reasons we find ourselves in situations like this is that the predicaments we face nowadays are incredibly complex, with complex roots, requiring complex responses. And yet, the choices we face are often far too simplistic—yes/no, either/or. As the Founder of Know Your Mind LLC, she blends timeless wisdom with insights from neuroscience and psychology to develop evidence-based mindfulness solutions for businesses, educators, and political clients. With over 15 years of experience and a background as an entrepreneur, business professor, and elected municipal leader, Shalini empowers individuals to disrupt default thinking and live with greater choice, purpose, and impact. A Shift in Perspective As Shalini shares in our conversation, to make wise decisions and move through challenging dynamics in our workplaces and communities, we need practices that help us shift perspective. We need support to help us shift from feeling threatened to facing a place of calm, compassion, and curiosity within. When we develop the ability to recenter ourselves, even when others project angry feelings or comments at us, we can expand our perception and develop more creative solutions to complex challenges. Summary In this episode, mindfulness expert Dr. Shalini Bahl explores how mindfulness practices and compassionate leadership can transform conflict resolution and decision-making in both personal and professional life. Drawing from her experience as a town councilor, Shalini shares insights on navigating complex issues like environmental policy through mindful decision-making. She explains the importance of using curiosity and self-compassion to manage conflict and build understanding between opposing perspectives. Shalini highlights how mindfulness meditation helps leaders avoid binary thinking and instead embrace the complexity of problems, fostering more thoughtful and equitable solutions. Listeners will also learn practical techniques to apply self-awareness, emotional intelligence, and compassion in challenging situations. Shalini’s approach emphasizes the integration of mindfulness both on and off the mat, offering listeners actionable tools to cultivate inner calm and clarity in their daily lives. Key Topics: Mindfulness in leadership: How mindfulness guides effective decision-making The role of compassion in leadership and conflict resolution Practical mindfulness exercises for changemakers and leaders Self-compassion practices for recovering from mistakes and maintaining resilience Applying emotional intelligence to navigate difficult decisions How to foster empathy and understanding through curiosity Resources Mentioned: Know Your Mind Training Take Shalini’s free mindfulness assessment to discover your strengths and areas for growth. Explore Shalini’s mindfulness book and app for guided practices on compassion, self-awareness, and equanimity.

With so many interlocking, overwhelming crises in the world today, it can be so hard to find our role. But when we try to do everything all at once or avoid what needs our attention, we can show up in ways that we later regret and burn ourselves out. As long-time activist and Senior Director of Strategic Initiatives at Building Movement Project, Deepa Iyer, discovered through decades of organizing in the South Asian, Muslim, Arab, and Sihk communities, when people focus on their unique roles and capacities, they have a far easier time showing up for change without succumbing to activist burnout. And our movements get stronger. Whether you are newer to activism and longing to find your role that can nourish you for the long-run or you’re more seasoned and trying to find your place in the midst of exhaustion, I think you’ll get a lot out of this conversation. Key Discussion Points: The Social Change Ecosystem Map: Deepa shares the origins of the map, designed to help individuals and organizations play one of ten key roles, including caregivers, storytellers, and builders. This tool helps activists avoid burnout by focusing on their strengths and capacities. Post-9/11 Organizing and Social Movements: Drawing on her experience working in South Asian and Muslim communities post-9/11, Deepa highlights how movements can organically emerge during crises. She emphasizes the importance of sustaining this social change ecosystem beyond moments of acute crisis. Handling Burnout and Conflict in Social Movements: Deepa offers advice on how activists and organizations can navigate burnout and conflict in movement work. She discusses the need for community agreements and how her Social Change Ecosystem Map helps people shift roles to avoid fatigue. Nonprofit Threats and Sustainability: Deepa addresses the increasing threats facing nonprofits, particularly those involved in reproductive rights, LGBTQ+ issues, and Palestinian solidarity. She discusses how nonprofits can build sustainable infrastructures to resist funding cuts and security threats. Hope and Solidarity in Activism: Despite the ongoing challenges, Deepa underscores the importance of finding hope in youth activism, philanthropic support, and solidarity movements. She reminds listeners that hope is a discipline, and it’s essential to focus on small wins that can contribute to long-term change. Episode Highlights: Deepa shares how the Social Change Ecosystem Map helps activists determine their roles in movements, whether as frontline responders, healers, or storytellers. Tips for avoiding burnout in sustainable activism: Deepa advises shifting roles within the ecosystem to maintain energy and passion for the cause. Navigating conflict in social movements: Deepa talks about the importance of community agreements and relationship building to resolve conflicts and create long-term solidarity. Addressing the challenges facing nonprofits today, Deepa discusses how organizations can resist threats and build lasting infrastructures for change. Resources Mentioned: Social Change Ecosystem Map: Learn more about the framework and its ten key roles at SocialChangeMap.com. Books by Deepa Iyer: Social Change Now: A Guide for Reflection and Connection We Too Sing America: South Asian, Arab, Muslim, and Sikh Immigrants Shape Our Multiracial Future We Are the Builders Building Movement Project: Discover research and resources for nonprofits facing threats to their security and sustainability. About Our Guest: As Deepa Iyer discovered through decades of organizing in the South Asian, Muslim, Arab, and Sihk communities, when people focus on their unique roles and capacities, they have a far easier time showing up for change without succumbing to activist burnout. An immigrant who moved to Kentucky from India when she was twelve, Deepa’s primary areas of expertise include post September 11th policies, civil rights, and Asian American/South Asian histories of community building. Currently, she is the Senior Director of Strategic Initiatives at Building Movement Project where she builds projects, resources, and narratives around transformative solidarity practices. She is the author of three books, We Too Sing America: South Asian, Arab, Muslim, and Sikh Immigrants Shape Our Multiracial Future, Social Change Now: A Guide for Reflection and Connection, and We Are The Builders!, a social change book for children. She also hosts a podcast called Solidarity Is This featuring storytellers, disrupters, and builders around the world who are experimenting with solidarity during a time of polarization.

Conflict avoidance isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a survival strategy in the face of manufactured scarcity. Of course, there is abundant potential for leadership, wisdom, and trust. And yet, living in hierarchies, we perceive a scarcity of leadership. With expert-driven learning, we perceive a scarcity of wisdom. With separation culture, we perceive a scarcity of trustworthiness. When we don’t trust that we'll be cared for, of course, we act in self-preservation rather than collaboration. Of course, we avoid talking about our disagreements and differences. And yet, as Beth Tener shares in my most recent episode of Conflict Decoded, to address the dire social and environmental challenges we face, we must reweave our collaborative kinship networks and trust in our teams. In this episode, she offers practical guidance to teach us how. In this week’s episode of Conflict Decoded, Beth Tener talks about how the rigidity and stuckness we often experience in our relationships arise from a deeply-rooted sense of fear and insecurity. Stemming from dominant culture’s pervasive individualism and the breakdown of kinship bonds. Conflict avoidance isn’t a personality flaw. It’s a survival strategy in the face of manufactured scarcity. When we don’t trust that we'll be cared for, of course, we act in self-preservation rather than collaboration. Of course, we avoid talking about our disagreements and differences. And yet, as Beth shares, to address our dire social and environmental challenges, we must reweave our collaborative networks and rebuild deep friendships. The breakdown of relationships gave rise to most of our current problems, so to repair the world, we must also repair our network of relationships. Key Topics Discussed: 1. Navigating Rigidity & Systemic Stuckness Beth shares how modern systems can become rigid and stuck due to fear, trauma, and scarcity mindsets. She offers strategies to help organizations embrace flexibility and navigate complexity through collaborative problem-solving. 2. Collaborative Leadership & Co-creation Beth explains the shift from individualism to collaborative networks, emphasizing that real change happens through collective efforts. She highlights the importance of designing systems that foster trust and connection within teams and organizations. 3. Building Trust & Social Connectivity in Teams Trust is the foundation of effective team collaboration. Beth discusses the need to build kinship networks and create environments where deep relationships thrive, enabling teams to be more resilient and creative in the face of challenges. 5. Transforming Conflict Through Open Dialogue Beth offers practical tips for conflict resolution by normalizing open conversations and creating spaces where difficult topics can be addressed safely. She explains how conflict avoidance often stems from trauma and highlights the importance of handling conflict with compassion and intentionality. 6. Designing for Connection in Meetings & Gatherings Beth shares her insights on designing meetings that foster human connection rather than just being transactional. By focusing on relational aspects, organizations can create more meaningful and productive interactions that build collaborative leadership. 7. Managing Polarities in Leadership In this episode, Beth introduces the concept of polarity management—the balance between rigidity and responsiveness. She explains how navigating these polarities can help teams depersonalize conflict and embrace both structure and flexibility when necessary. 8. Prioritizing Time Together for Team Success Beth underscores the value of investing time in building relationships through retreats and extended team gatherings. She encourages organizations to create spaces that allow for deep collaboration, which leads to long-term success. 9. Kinship Networks & Community Building Drawing from indigenous practices, Beth highlights the importance of kinship networks and community building. These networks provide emotional support, foster resilience, and are essential in helping individuals and teams navigate through organizational challenges. About Beth Tener: Beth Tener is the founder of Kinship Hub, a platform dedicated to amplifying the power of community through collaborative leadership and trust-building. She is also the host of the "Living Love" podcast, which explores themes such as belonging, social change, and community building. Beth offers consulting, facilitation, and training for organizations looking to enhance team collaboration and build stronger, more connected structures. Resources Mentioned: Kinship Hub Living Love Podcast Sea Change Conference (focused on arts, healing, and social change) New Directions Collaborative (consulting for organizational change)

When we get into a disagreement, we often see the other person as the problem. But so often, our conflicts are rooted in systemic factors in our organizations and society, like pay structures and decision-making processes. To create equitable workplaces and communities where peoples’ needs are met, we must stop butting heads against each other and zoom out to see the changes needed in our larger organization and communities. With nearly twenty years helping leaders design equitable organizations, and author of Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives, my guest today, Minal Bopaiah, is an expert in zooming out. We discuss rules of thumb for facilitating communication in hybrid workplaces, when to leave an organization that’s not treating you well, and the qualities leaders need to have in order to effectively build truly equitable and conflict competence organizations. So often, when we get into a disagreement with another person, be it a colleague, supervisor, staff member, someone in our community, or another person, we can immediately resort to blaming the other person, seeing them as the problem that needs to be solved. But so often, our conflicts are rooted in systemic factors in our organizations and society, like the structures for communication, pay, input, and decision-making power. If we are to create truly equitable workplaces and communities where peoples’ needs are well met, we must stop butting heads against each other, zoom out, and look at the changes that are needed in our larger organization and communities. Podcast Guest: My guest today, Minal Bopaiah, is an expert in zooming out. The founder of Brevity & Wit, she’s a strategic consultant with nearly twenty years helping leaders design equitable organizations, including at NPR, Sesame Workshop, and Doctors Without Borders. Her areas of expertise include human-centered design, behavior change psychology, and the principles of inclusion, diversity, equity, and accessibility (IDEA) as they relate to media, marketing, communications and organizational design. Her first book Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives was hailed as “a succinct jewel” by Nobel Peace Prize Laureate Jody Williams and won the 2022 Terry McAdam Book Award. Key Points: In this insightful episode, Minal Bopaiah, founder of Brevity & Wit and author of Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives, shares her expertise on embedding Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI) into organizational structures. Minal discusses the importance of creating equitable organizations by focusing on systemic equity, rather than merely addressing interpersonal conflicts. She explains how organizational design must integrate DEI to ensure long-term success. Minal highlights the distinction between inclusive culture and equity, explaining that while inclusion creates a sense of belonging, equity ensures that systems and structures offer equal access to opportunities. She delves into leadership development, explaining how leaders need "system sight" to recognize how organizational systems influence opportunity and behavior. Conflict resolution is another key focus, with Minal emphasizing the need for synchronous communication (phone or video) to address conflicts rather than relying on asynchronous communication methods like email or Slack, which can lead to misunderstandings. She also discusses the importance of setting boundaries to maintain emotional health in DEI work. The episode also explores power dynamics in organizations, where Minal shares strategies for using power ethically and influencing leadership to foster workplace equity. Additionally, Minal explains how perspective gathering, rather than assumption-based perspective taking, is critical for making decisions that genuinely reflect the needs of marginalized groups. Key Takeaways: Conflict is inevitable in diverse workplaces, but can be managed effectively through synchronous conflict resolution. Leaders must have a systemic approach to equity, using system sight to understand how systems impact opportunity and equity. Boundaries and emotional stamina are vital for both leadership and employees in the DEI space. Understanding power dynamics and using ethical leadership practices fosters innovation through diversity and creates a healthier work environment. Resources Mentioned: Brevity & Wit Brevity & Wit’s Partnership Model & five core values Equity: How to Design Organizations Where Everyone Thrives by Minal Bopaiah Needs List, by Katherine Golub Judy Diamond: Diamond Power Index & Power: A User’s Manual The Complexity of Equity in Remote Work, Minal Bopaiah Paige Robnett’s DEI Change Agent Program Global Diversity Equity & Inclusion Benchmarks: Standards for Organizations Around the World Quote from Rev. Jennifer Bailey: Social change moves at the speed of relationships, and relationships move at the speed of trust. Keywords: Diversity, Equity, and Inclusion (DEI), equitable organizations, leadership development, systemic equity, inclusive culture, conflict resolution, organizational design, power dynamics in organizations, synchronous communication, perspective gathering, ethical leadership, system sight, workplace equity, innovation through diversity, boundaries in organizations, trauma in organizations.

Sarah Peyton is a neuroscience educator, Nonviolent Communication trainer, and, as a good friend of mine calls her, “brain whisperer.” Her live events, online courses, and bestselling books have transformed my coaching work and have helped my clients and me unstuck from many limiting personal and interpersonal patterns. We talk about the neuroscience of blame, guilt, shame, rage, and demonization, the difference between left-hemisphere and right-hemispheric thinking and why it matters for resolving conflict, and how to heal our brains and our relationships with empathy guesses. Sarah’s work has changed my life and my client’s lives, and I hope you enjoy this conversation as much as I did. Key Topics Discussed: 1. Transformational Power of Nonviolent Communication (NVC): Sarah shares her personal journey into NVC, including how it helped her overcome emotional barriers with her adopted son. She explains how empathy guesses—linking emotions and needs—can create powerful relational shifts and foster deeper understanding. 2. Empathy in Conflict Resolution: Sarah elaborates on how empathy guesses differ from strategic communication. She highlights how focusing on feelings and needs can resolve conflict more effectively, especially in social justice and movement spaces. 3. Relational vs. Instrumental Brain: We delve into the neurobiology of empathy, examining how the left hemisphere is task-oriented, while the right hemisphere supports relational thinking. Sarah explains how high-stakes situations push us into the instrumental brain, reducing our ability to empathize and connect deeply. 4. Joyful Activism & Releasing Unconscious Contracts: Sarah introduces the concept of “unconscious contracts,” promises we make in childhood to "save the world" at any cost. She encourages joyful activism, where we work from a place of joy and passion rather than burnout and sacrifice, leading to more effective social change. 5. Neurobiology of Demonization in Conflict: Sarah explains the neurobiology of demonization, where our brain's reward system fuels the tendency to other and blame people in conflict. By shifting focus to what we love—like justice and equity—we can channel rage into constructive, healing actions. 6. Healing Trauma with Resonance: Sarah describes the process of healing trauma through resonant language and relational neuroscience. She explains how resonance allows the brain to process trauma and transform it into life experience, helping individuals move beyond their pain. 7. Practical Self-Compassion Tools: For those feeling isolated or lacking support, Sarah offers a practice called “self-warmth,” encouraging listeners to start with one breath of self-compassion, building a foundation of emotional resilience through small moments of self-awareness. Recommended Resources: Books by Sarah Peyton: Your Resonant Self: Guided Meditations and Exercises to Engage Your Brain's Capacity for Healing Your Resonant Self Workbook: From Self-sabotage to Self-Care The Anti-Racist Heart (co-written with Roxy Manning) Other Resources on Nonviolent Communication (NVC): How to Have Anti-Racist Conversations by Roxy Manning Nonviolent Communication by Marshall Rosenberg Connect with Sarah Peyton: Visit sarahpeyton.com for free guided meditations, courses, and resources on healing through empathy, relational neuroscience, and self-compassion.

Hello and welcome to Conflict Decoded, where we explore the hidden dynamics that keep us stuck in conflict in our workplaces and communities and share practical guidance to help us break free. My name is Katherine Golub. I’m a coach, mediator, city councilor, activist, mother, and the founder of the Center for Callings & Courage. I live on the ancestral lands of the Pocumtuck people, recently known as Greenfield, Massachusetts. In this first episode, I want to share with you what called me to create this podcast and what you can expect from it. Why I Decided to Create this Podcast About twelve years ago, I launched my professional coaching practice with the aim of helping social changemakers prevent burnout by taking better care of themselves. However, I quickly realized that my clients were coming to me already burned out and longing to get clear about what was next in their work lives. And so, career clarity coaching with changemakers became my focus. Although I used to believe that burnout came from working too much, doing this work now for over a decade, I’ve realized that even more people burn out due to conflict and challenging interpersonal dynamics. I also discovered that by helping my clients transform workplace conflict along with other patterns that gave rise to their burnout, about half of my clients end up falling back in love with their work and deciding to stay. While I’ve been able to help hundreds of clients realign their lives with what matters most to them and, in many cases, transform their workplace conflicts, it nevertheless hurts my heart to watch so many unaddressed conflicts, fractured relationships, and ineffective interpersonal dynamics bring committed people down and derail even the most promising efforts toward change. So, after over a decade of supporting my coaching clients to heal burnout, I’ve decided to focus my work on helping changemakers transform conflict in their workplaces and communities—the root cause of so much burnout—and learn to collaborate well, even in the face of great difference and complexity. I created this podcast to learn from some of the most brilliant minds I know on the forefront of conflict transformation and to share these conversations with you. This podcast is for you if you — Work hard to do your part to bring forth a better world, in your unique way and your corner of the world. Feel drained, disheartened, frustrated, baffled at why humans can’t just get along, uncertain about how to resolve things, and worried about what might happen if you don’t figure it out. Conflict or disagreement or just a lack of effective collaboration are thwarting your efforts toward change in your workplace or community. You want to understand what’s really going on with people, regain a sense of clarity and confidence, and develop skills and structures to help you collaborate well. Value love, liberation, learning, friendship, and wholeness and long for more of each of these in your life and in the world. Here’s what I know to be true— Conflict is a crucible—an alchemical space where different elements interact to create something new. Whether we like it or not, conflict will transform us. In situations with an abundance of difference, complexity, trauma, and strong opinions—which all of us who are working toward a better world face every day— conflict is inevitable. What’s not inevitable, is how we respond to conflict. Without the right skills or support, conflict can drain our energy, undermine our efforts, burn us out, and put an end to our most promising efforts toward change. With the right support, skills, structures, and strategies, conflict can be an opportunity to see things we haven’t seen before, strengthen our relationships, and create the changes we long for. What emerges from conflict can be horrendous, or it can be amazing. When we approach conflict as an opportunity to understand ourselves and each other better, heal personal and collective trauma, let go of what no longer serves us, and develop generative ways of working together, conflict can help us grow personal and collective power and multiply our chances for making the impacts life calls us to make with more joy and ease. If we are committed to bringing forth a world rooted in love and liberation, we can’t ignore the work of learning to engage conflict well. I believe this may be our most important work. So, what to expect. I’ll be honest with you, I’ve discovered that a podcast is a big undertaking. And so, the pace with which I release each episode may fluctuate. At the beginning, I plan to release one episode a week, but that may change with time. Likewise, as I learn what’s needed to make a great podcast and what I need to make this sustainable, the format may also change a bit. In the first few months, I plan to release a lot of interviews with some of the people I respect the most when it comes to conflict transformation. I’m so excited to share with you their practical wisdom about making change at the individual, interpersonal, organizations, community, and societal levels. And, I will likely occasionally create shorter episodes with just me sharing a key practice or principle. And, you’ll hear me learning alongside you. Because even after so many years of working on myself and supporting my clients to transform conflict, I’m not immune to the hurt or confusion that can arise when things go off with other people. I’ve learned that the way to clarity and connection is much more about asking questions than it is about finding answers. And, finally, in every episode, I aim to explore the hidden dynamics that keep so many people stuck in conflict in our workplaces and communities and how we can break free. I hope very much that you’ll continue to tune in.

Have you ever heard a self-help teacher or friend say the words—Don’t should yourself…? As if should were a nasty word? If so, what do you think about this phrase? For a long time, I’d hear people admonishing themselves for saying the word should, and it would rub me the wrong way, but I didn’t quite know why. Then I discovered that the English word should comes from the same root as the Dutch and German word schuld, which means both guilt and debt. According to YourDailyGerman.com: “(For) some two thousand years, Schuld was simply about a sort of obligation that you had toward someone. Like…bringing the smith a boar because he fixed your ax or giving the chieftain a barrel of ale because he won the last drinking competition.” As a white person with multiple proximities to systemic power living on stolen land, I believe that I have a schuld— a debt rooted in unearned privilege, an obligation to pay reparations and to work to dismantle imperialism and white supremacy, the systems that give rise to my privilege. I believe there are some things I really should do. And yet, many people also use the word should to judge themselves into complying with dominant culture’s expectations, and this sense of obligation to the status quo does not serve most of us well. The inherent tension in the word should points to the deeper tension that most of us who care deeply about social justice and collective wellbeing grapple with— How do we simultaneously hold our obligations to the collective and our obligations to ourselves? If we show up for others and not for ourselves, we risk slipping into saviordom, which can perpetuate top-down dynamics, rob people on the margins of systemic power of their agency, and burn us out. On the other hand, if we only show up for ourselves but not for others, we abdicate our responsibility to the collective, and our complacency perpetuates injustice and collective dis-ease. And so, I believe we have a responsibility to learn to navigate the both-and, dancing between the polarity of self-care and collective-care over our days, weeks, and lifetimes. But because dominant culture does not train us to hold the both-and well and instead, teaches us to view the world as opposing binaries—good guys or bad guys, us or them, right or wrong—it can feel uncomfortable and challenging to hold the tension of conflicting values and realities. And so, most of us have a tendency to cling to one side of a polarity at the detriment of the whole. This either-or approach to life leads many people to all-or-nothing behavior—either working 24/7 or indulging in Netflix, either doing a daily self-care practice or none at all. And yet, the fact is that when we look closely, we can see that all of life expresses itself in polarities—apparent opposites that need each other to form a whole—night/day, birth/death, cold/hot, soft/hard, chaos/order, knowing/not knowing, yes/no, yin/yang, global/local, nature/nurture, receiving/giving, holding space for pain/holding space for joy, this is a nightmarish time / this is an extraordinary time. To bring forth the word that we long for, we must learn to perceive, honor, and skillfully navigate the polarities inherent in our work and in all of life. It is true that those of us who are committed to showing up on the front-lines of life and liberation are unlikely to find any perfect balance or to escape the tensions inherent in the conflicting realities we face. And yet, we humans do have the inherent potential to cultivate the capacity to hold the tensions in ways that make us proud. We can learn to show up for social change and take good care of ourselves, give and receive, say yes and say no, act and rest, be effective and have fun. Like all of creation, we are designed to honor the full expression of life living through us. For instance, one of my core values is solidarity, and this value often demands long hours of me. And yet, I also value spaciousness. Sometimes, my value of solidarity asks me to go campaign mode and fill my days trying to get an ordinance passed, a budget priority funded, or a candidate elected. Other times, my value of spaciousness directs me to say no to requests that the Activist or Hard-Worker in me wishes I could say yes to. It can sometimes feel impossible to honor both solidarity and spaciousness at the same time, but with lots of practice, I’ve come to a place in my life in which I feel good about how I honor them both over the course of my weeks and months. From now on, I challenge you to notice when either-or thinking pops up in your mind—when you hear yourself asking “Is it this or that?” or negating reality with the tiny yet insidious word “but”— and to get curious about how you might hold the both-and and honor multiple seemingly contradictory values, not necessarily in one single moment, but over the course of your week, month, and lifetime. Polarity Squares If you feel torn between two apparently conflicting values, priorities, or realities, I want to offer you a practice called Polarity Squares, which I first encountered from my Presence-Based Coaching teachers, who themselves learned it from Barry Johnson, author of Polarity Management. In this practice we choose a polarity to work with and create a four-quadrant grid. We label the two columns of the grid with words that represent each side of a polarity (for example, the left column for self-care and the right column for collective-care or the left column for giving and right column for receiving). We label the top row—What I love about this side—and the bottom row—What I fear about this side. Then, we fill in each quadrant, writing down what we love and fear about each side of the polarity. By bringing awareness to what we love and fear about two sides of any given polarity, we cultivate the ability to notice our habitual pulls and tendencies and to hold each side without fleeing to the apparent comfort of the other. For example, a client of mine who was recently promoted to a managerial role felt torn between showing up in ways that would help her staff like her and ways that earned her respect. She named her polarities “Being Boss” and “Being Part of the Team”. Her polarity square looked like this: Being the Boss                                                     Being Part of the Team What I love about this side: Respect, Efficiency, Effectiveness, Get the job done, Order, Teamwork, Collaboration, Clarity, Less Stress, My boss’s respect me too, Trust, Clean, People listen, Prevent conflict   What I love about this side: Everyone gets along, people collaborate, people like me, Good team energy, People might be more self-motivated, People might have more creative ideas, Avoid conflict, Feels easier, Belonging, Maybe more fun, People listen too  What I fear about this side: Being unnecessarily bossy, going too far, being like a dictator or tyrannical, being mean, pushing people around, creating conflict, people not liking me, creating too rigid boundaries, people not listening to me or really respecting me What I fear about this side: Being a pushover, No one listens to or respects me, Nothing gets done, Messy, Feeling uncertain, I end up doing all the work, I can’t trust people to do their work, creating conflict because things are unclear, People crossing the lines, Stressed often   Filling out the polarity square helped my client acknowledge what her inner Boss and her inner Team Member longed for, and this awareness helped her to show up in ways that were both kind and assertive, collaborative and decisive. Your turn! I invite you to take the following steps to create a polarity square now: 1. Do your best to name the two sides of a polarity you’re grappling with. Try to find the essential quality or underlying need that each side represents. Although it can be potent to choose words that are pure opposites, I’ve found that’s unnecessary. Just choose two needs that you find yourself torn between. You can look at this Needs List for help finding words that resonate. Choose words that feel non-judgmental. 2. Label the left and right columns of the square below with the names of each side of the polarity. You can also create a polarity square with tape on the floor that is big enough for you to stand in the different quadrants. This helps some people access a felt sense of each quadrant. Pole A:                                                           Pole B: L O V E F E A R   3. Sense into one quadrant at a time, and write down everything that comes up in that quadrant. If thoughts about another quadrant arise, go to the corresponding quadrant and write them down there. You might also open the online thesaurus, wordhippo.com, and look up words that resonate. 4. Then shift to the next quadrant that draws your attention. Write down everything that comes up for you there. If you have an easier time with some quadrants than with others (as many people do), this can be a sign of trauma, stories, or habits that have led you to habitually cling to one side of the polarity or the other. Play with stretching yourself to spend time in the uncomfortable quadrant and notice what feelings, thoughts, and insights arise there. Keep asking What else? in each quadrant until you feel complete. When you’re complete, ask yourself: What do I know now about each side of this polarity? Allow the polarity square to percolate in the pot on the backburner of your mind for the next several days, and jot down any new insights that arise. For now, I am wishing you the freedom and satisfaction of being able to dance in the both-and and offer yourself and your community the care you both deserve.

Would you love a dedicated practice of proactively setting clear goals, priorities, and commitments to yourself? If so, I wrote this for you. Most of my clients don’t have a practice like this when they first come to me. Many spend their days putting out fires and reacting to the next request/demand that comes their way. Others are in the habit of prioritizing other peoples’ needs while rarely checking in with themselves about their own. And yet other clients come to me feeling called to make a big change in their lives—either in terms of contributing more to their communities or taking better care of themselves—but they have yet to set specific benchmarks for how they’ll make their callings a reality. Without a regular practice of setting and keeping clear commitments to themselves, most people end up feeling like they’re letting themselves or other people down. At the heart of radical discernment is the practice and skill of making choices—in other words, right-sized commitments—that honor our needs. And with that in mind, I want to offer you five principles today to help you set clear, right-sized goals and commitments to yourself. To do that, I’ll share with you my version of the SMART goal acronym. Here’s how I use it: Specific Monthly(ish) Actionable Realistic Trustworthy Let’s explore each of these now. One: Specific. Here are some pointers for setting specific goals: Be as precise as possible. Instead of saying “Go to bed on time” or “Don’t stay up late,” a specific goal sounds like “Be in bed reading a book by 9:30pm every weeknight for the next two weeks and turn off the lights by 10pm.” Ask: Would this be clear to my future self? If your goal is specific, when your future self looks at it in the future, they should be able to know precisely and immediately what you meant when you set it. Catch yourself using tentative language like I guess I will… or I’ll try… or I’ll see…, ask, What am I actually able and willing to commit to?If you find yourself using language like this, edit your commitment until you can honestly say I will… or I commit to doing my best to… (fill in the blank). Decide when you aim to complete your goal, and write it down. If your goal is to engage in an ongoing practice, be realistic about how frequently you’ll practice and how long you commit to practicing for. For example, rather than committing to practicing every single day, committing to practicing daily(ish) or five out of seven days of the week can make sticking with a practice more doable. And rather than committing to doing the practice indefinitely, commit to a defined period of time like two weeks. Then, at the end of this time, check in and decide whether you’d like to continue the commitment. Two: Monthly(ish). Over the years, many clients who struggle with goal-setting have told me that they want to start a practice of choosing goals every morning. However, I’ve found that this practice often backfires. When clients set goals every morning, as opposed to goals that cover a longer time-span, they often experience decision fatigue and have a harder time discerning how to respond when interruptions inevitably arise mid-day. Likewise, some clients come to me with a longer-term vision but no shorter-term goals to help them implement it. Without shorter-term benchmarks, people often struggle to create concrete change and feel frustrated with their lack of progress. In contrast, I’ve found that monthly(ish) goals are the most helpful-sized stepping stones between what we can accomplish today and what we long to achieve in the long-term. The month(ish) is a forgiving, flexible, and yet practically useful-sized chunk of time for deciding what I can realistically say yes to and what I just do not have the capacity to get done. The precise timeline for your monthly(ish) goals may change each month, depending on what you’re working on. For example, my current monthly(ish) goals are seven weeks-long, covering the timespan between the year-end holiday break and my son’s February vacation. Three: Actionable. Actionable means within your control. For example, rather than committing to having a conversation with someone—which is not within your control because the other person could refuse to speak with you—it is actionable to commit to asking the other person to talk and reflecting on what you want to say beforehand. Four: Realistic. I’ll be honest and say that even after a decade-plus of teaching “time management” and even longer practicing what I preach, I still sometimes struggle to estimate how long things will take. And yet, I’ve also learned that the key to setting realistic goals is learning to choose. While it is true that time is bendy in ways that my mind can barely fathom, it is also true that there are twenty-four hours in each day and seven days in the week. From this latter vantage point, the basic math of “time management” is simple: The time our tasks require must be equal to or less than the time we are able to dedicate to them. If our goals are bigger than the time we have, we risk burning out, discouraging ourselves, ruminating about what we have yet to accomplish, and feeling stressed out, stretched thin, and sped up. Time management is grief work. If I commit to doing something every Sunday, that means I must let go of what I might have otherwise done during this time. And yet, when we learn to consciously choose what we’ll say yes to and no to, we become more likely to set goals that match the time we have. It becomes easier to trust ourselves, experience a sense of flow, and get the most important stuff done. One of my favorite quotes is love is 90% pacing (from my friend, Natan Cohen). Loving ourselves means honoring the pace at which we have the capacity to move at any given moment and right-sizing our commitments accordingly. Five: Trustworthy. For many of us, the pattern of not making or honoring commitments to ourselves stems from childhood. If the people who we should have been able to rely on when we were little broke our trust or didn’t show up for us consistently, it can be hard to trust ourselves or consistently show up for ourselves now. To finally cultivate self-trust, we must learn to take our commitments to ourselves just as seriously as our commitments to others. So, from now on, I invite you to imagine that you’re committing to the little one within you who longs for a grown-up (you!) they can trust. And ask yourself—What commitment will I make to my little one? Creating right-sized commitments to ourselves is a both-and move: We must not overcommit and set ourselves up for disappointment, and we must stretch ourselves and commit to showing up for ourselves well. If you hesitate to commit to yourself out of fear of letting yourself down, please remember that we humans build trust through repair. If you discover that you’ve aimed too high and cannot follow through with a commitment to yourself, try to notice this as soon as possible. Then, acknowledge the part of yourself that feels disappointed and have a conversation with yourself and your calendar about where you’re at, what you need, and how you’ll recalibrate your commitments. This ongoing conversation is the key to cultivating self-trust. May you discover trust in yourself and excitement in your commitments.

A client of mine recently discovered that she’s pregnant and shared this question with me this week: “I really hope that everything is safe and sound with my pregnancy. I’m trying my best to stay positive, but I have moments of anxiety. I am wondering how to feel my fears while not being consumed by them and how to remain positive while not getting sucked into worst case ‘what-if’ scenarios. Suggestions?” Now, you might not be pregnant with a new baby (though, congratulations if you are!), but if you’re like most of my clients, you’re working hard to bring something you care deeply about into the world. This might be a new policy, a new program, a new relationship, a new business, or something else. Whatever it is, you’re apt to have fears. So how do you acknowledge your fears without getting sucked into them? Here are four practices that I shared with my client: 1. Remember that Worry is the work of pregnancy. Fifteen years ago, shortly after my son, Kai, was born, I became a childbirth mentor and birth doula, and one of my favorite quotes from that time was from Pam England, creator of Birthing From Within, who writes: Worry is the work of pregnancy. In other words, you are normal. If there’s something you care deeply about, something you long for, something you’re working hard to bring into the world, and you have a lot at stake, the odds of success are uncertain and the outcomes are not completely within your control— Of course, you will feel worried at times. My most recent source of worry is related to my son, Kai. He’s a sophomore in high school, thinking about colleges, and I want him to have a future in which he’s content and contributing. He’s doing really great, but his future is largely out of my hands, and so occasionally, I worry. Now, when friends tell me that of course he’ll be fine and that I should not worry, it honestly doesn’t feel very helpful. But when they acknowledge that it makes complete sense that I would worry a bit, I feel heard, and my nervous system settles. Until recently, most self-help teachers taught that stress was bad for us and that we needed to get rid of it. But as Stanford health psychologist Kelly McGonigal teaches, stress is simply what we feel when something we love is at risk. While chronic stress can be harmful, momentary stress and worry are a normal part of reaching toward what we love. 2. Write down your worries. Now, one factor that makes a huge difference in how we relate to our stress are the stories we tell ourselves. And while we may not be able to completely eliminate our fears, we can shift how we relate to them. A key practice for turning down the volume on our stories—including the “worst case, what if scenarios” my client mentioned—is to write them down. Journaling helps us do what developmental psychologist Robert Kegan called the subject-object shift. When we're subject to our thoughts, we're so close to them that we assume they're true and don't notice or question them. Before we write our stories down, they float around in our heads, clouding our perception, and it’s as though we’re seeing life through their cloudy lens. But when we get our stories out of our heads and onto the paper, we can look at them rather than looking through them. We shift our stories from implicit to explicit, from too-close-up-to-see to distant-enough-to-choose-our-response, from feeling like our thoughts are happening to us to accessing a sense of agency. Just the very act of journaling can soothe our nervous systems. After fifteen years of engaging with many of the practices I teach, when I feel worried, I still often need to get out my journal and write down my thoughts to soothe my concerns and choose my next steps. 3. Imagine yourself coping. Most pregnant parents have something that they hope and pray will not happen during their pregnancy, birth, or postpartum experience. These “worst-case what if” worries can be like tiger kittens in the backgrounds of their minds, but if parents ignore their concerns, they can grow into full-grown tigers that create significant stress by the time their birthing day comes around. However, if they turn and face their kitten fears early on, they can tame their worries and grow their self-trust. The same goes for any concern, even those that us not-pregnant people may experience. With this in mind, back when I used to teach childbirth classes, I’d guide my clients through a visualization practice called the Tigers Exercise. I’d invite my clients to choose a worry to work with and then guide them to imagine that their concern was unfolding in real life and to notice how they felt and what they were thinking. Then, I’d invite them to let this image go and imagine the same exact scenario, only this time, they were coping. I invited my clients to imagine that they were coping, to notice what they felt and what they were telling themselves when they were coping, and to draw an image of this scene. The power of the invitation to imagine ourselves coping often surprised me. Sometimes, my clients’ dreaded experiences did indeed come to pass in real-life, and as their birth doula, I got to witness the resilience they’d cultivated as they brought their whole selves and strength to their experience. So, with this in mind, if you have a worst-case scenario fear, I encourage you to imagine this worst-case scenario, and to imagine that You are coping. Notice what you know to be true about yourself and about the world when you are coping. 4. Rather than trying to “remain positive,” track glimmers. In her book, Bittersweet, Susan Cain writes about the melancholic direction that she calls the ‘bittersweet’—“a tendency to states of longing, poignancy, and sorrow; an acute awareness of passing time; and a curiously piercing joy at the beauty of the world. The bittersweet is also about the recognition that light and dark, birth and death—bitter and sweet—are forever paired. ‘Days of honey, days of onion,” as an Arabic proverb puts it.’” Like the most beautiful piece of music, there is nothing I know of that is more bittersweet than parenting. And, to create a life we long for, we must tune into our longing, and sometimes, that hurts. And so, I cannot teach you to “remain positive.” At least, after nearly sixteen years of parenting, and four-plus decades of living, I have yet to find a way. But I have found that it is possible to cultivate a default state of satisfaction and even delight. Snd one of the most potent practices I know for doing this is tracking glimmers. Coined by social worker Deborah Dana, glimmers are cues that prompt feelings of satisfaction, wellbeing, and other pleasant feelings that indicate our needs are met. They’re quick sparks of the feelings we want to feel, moments that nourish our energy or move us closer to what we long for. Tracking glimmers is the practice of getting curious and searching glimmers as if we were a huntress, detective, or search and rescue team. We can acknowledge our worries and acknowledge our delight. And, the more we practice tracking glimmers, the more we can shift our default state toward a sense of nourishment and delight, even while we honor the parts of ourselves who feel scared. Back when I used to teach childbirth classes, I started every class by telling my clients: My goal today is twofold—I aim to offer you tools to help you have the birth you want, while also helping you remember that you are loved and loveable, no matter what birth you have. I wish the same for you. May you receive all the support that you need to rise to the challenges you face. And, may you know that you are truly enough, no matter what happens. As always, if you have any questions or comments, I welcome you to share them with me at katherine@callingsandcourage.com.