Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction

Boundaries can be one of the hardest areas in recovery for both the addict and their partner. Addicts and their partners only have one thing in their control during recovery – themselves. Setting up both internal and external boundaries is key to a successful recovery journey. In this online webinar, therapist Debbie McRae discusses internal boundaries. TAKEAWAYS: [:25] Common boundary mistakes that are setting recovering couples up to fail. [2:10] What safety boundaries are (and aren't). [4:05] Internal boundaries define what you will and won't tolerate from your partner. [6:28] 'Thinking' boundaries allow us to challenge our negative thoughts. [12:47] 'Emotion and feeling' boundaries allow us to decide if and how to move forward. [15:35] Choosing to respond rather than react. [20:11] Internal boundaries that focus on healthy actions and behaviors. [27:15] Appropriate boundaries around betrayal details. [31:40] The best place to start is with yourself. [36:40] If the goal is connection, boundaries are essential. [37:15] My partner doesn't even know what they're feeling. Where do we start? [44:01] My partner refuses to put in the work. Now what? [47:52] How does neurodiversity affect our relationship and recovery? [52:35] My partner lied about his therapist. Where do I go from here? [56:08] I need help setting reasonable boundaries. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions. QUOTES "Boundaries are about keeping the good in and the bad out." "Internal boundaries allow you to question the facts without getting triggered into distressing emotions." "I can approach my feelings as opportunities to learn about myself and my partner." "The more time we spend getting to know our internal boundaries around our actions and behaviors, the better the outcome is going to be."

Forgiveness is a long and winding process. Like grief, it takes many forms and cannot be rushed or demanded. Betrayed partners can choose to offer forgiveness on their own timelines. Dr. Rob and Tami explore the steps of forgiveness, the timeline of returning intimacy, and what it takes for an addict to truly hit rock bottom and start to make real change. TAKEAWAYS: [:28] What is a good indicator that a betrayed spouse is ready to start working on forgiveness? [6:06] What is your motivation for forgiveness? [10:05] What is a realistic timeline for returning intimacy? [13:48] Is revenge sex ever appropriate? [19:08] What does it take for an addict to truly hit rock bottom? [27:00] If the threat of losing their family doesn't change an addict, will anything? [28:00] How much of my husband's acting out was done consciously versus as a result of drug use? [32:45] My cheating spouse hasn't had sex with me in 3 years. Should I have sex with him now that he has confessed? [36:14] Why is my partner still triggered about my betrayal when it was over a year ago? [43:58] Should we sell the house that my partner cheated on me in? [47:52] What recovery resources are available to me and my partner? [53:52] Is it okay to ask my husband to share what he discussed in therapy? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "Forgiveness is like grief. It's a long and rolling process." "Intimacy is taking a risk that your partner might reject you. It's one of the highest forms of vulnerability." "If you, your relationship, and your children weren't important enough to your addict, then nothing will be important enough." "If we are not your first treatment program, we want to be your last."

An apology is a starting point, a basic human relationship skill, and an essential component of healing. In this twice-monthly Rocking Relationships in Recovery webinar, host Jon Taylor, Utah Therapist (CSAT), discusses how and why to effectively apologize. TAKEAWAYS: [3:08] Executed well, an apology can be a powerful change for a person issuing the apology. [4:06] John shares the first big fight he and his spouse had in their marriage. [6:41] Saying 'I'm sorry' is the first step, then asking 'How can I help?'" [12:25] If your apology is coupled with resentment, you're not doing it right. [15:30] Turn on your thinking brain and consider what you could do differently. [18:30] Offer solutions to your partner that can correct the hurt. [22:05] The danger of a forced apology. [24:08] The non-apology apology is thinly veiled manipulation. [27:27] How can I proceed when the people I've hurt refuse to talk to me? [33:14] How does self-sabotage show up for both addicts and betrayed partners? [37:40] Self activation and authentication can open us up to hurt as well as clarity. [38:50] How can I react to my addict spouse if he refuses support? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "If you're going to use apology, you need to be ready to follow through. Otherwise you're going to hollow out the word and make it the word that signals the start of a fight, not the start of repair." "Apology, executed well, can be a powerful change for the person issuing the apology." "I ended up listening and paying attention, and that's the power of saying 'I'm sorry'." "Be careful not to hold your 'I'm sorry' hostage or make it conditional. If you're doing that, then you are the problem." "We're misusing an apology when we expect it to be a quick fix." "We never know where our person's breaking point is and we can't be the one to define that."

Dr. Rob and Tami break down the details of honesty – when, why and how you must tell the truth to begin reestablishing trust with your betrayed partner. Recovering addicts often take breaks in their recovery meetings and goals only to discover that they have taken serious steps backward as a result. Prioritizing the 12 Step program is essential to recovery and is also a sign that the addict is prioritizing their partner as well. TAKEAWAYS: [0:44] If sex addiction is so prevalent, why are there so many strip clubs? [03:51] Any tips for practicing rigorous honesty? [9:00] Slow down and just tell the truth. [11:00] Are betrayed spouses perturbed when partners start changing? [15:26] Honoring your boundaries when your partner is picking a fight. [19:08] Is it okay to focus on my own steps as well as my partner's at the same time? [24:20] Part of recovery is developing interests that are not sex-related. [26:00] How can we rebuild trust when the initial disclosure was dishonest? [30:45] How can I stop obsessing over whether my partner is being honest? [35:08] My affair partner won't leave me alone, what kind of individual help is available to me? [38:49] I'm the former affair partner, now he's cheating on me. [42:43] I'm so hurt. Is righteous victimhood a justified option? [49:12] How can more privacy be a good option in recovery when there is no integrity? [54:16] Prioritizing the 12 steps is prioritizing your spouse. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "The problem isn't in all the stuff that's out there, the problem is within us." "Tell the truth and tell it faster." "We don't tell the truth for other people. We tell it for ourselves." "You can't fix your partner. You can only work on you and how you show up." "Disclosure is a tool. It's not the end point." "You don't want to do the things that have been done to you. You need support and healing so you can be at peace with what's happened."

Dr. Tami is joined by Kristen Snowden, a licensed trauma therapist who works with addicts and their betrayed partners. Kristen shares questions for the betrayed to ask themselves when working through the process of deciding whether to stay or go. Shame, hurt and fear can accompany the choice to leave just as persistently as it can for someone who chooses to stay, and her questions can help the betrayed find clarity in the face of this life-altering decision. TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] Blame and shame accompany the choice to stay as well as the choice to leave. [6:45] Practical considerations that face the betrayed partner who is thinking about leaving. [10:17] Are you suffering any physical or emotional abuse by choosing to stay? [11:50] How has staying with your partner affected your physical and mental health? [13:45] Has your partner ever voluntarily come clean about their addiction? Are they making any effort toward their progress? [15:50] What does your support network look like? [18:46] What is your financial situation? [19:45] Are there children involved in your relationship? [20:52] Are any of your needs being met in this relationship? Are you able to stay aligned to your own values and goals? [22:09] Have other boundaries failed to work up to this point? Would leaving help your partner realize the gravity of their actions? [24:12] Is there a foundation of love, hope, and respect in this relationship? [27:58] The right frame of mind to help you decide whether to stay or go. [33:06] How can I anticipate what my partner needs as we heal together? [38:23] Is it manipulation when my partner only says what I want to hear rather than taking real accountability for what they've done? [43:01] Am I enabling my partner by choosing not to divorce him for the sake of the kids? [49:34] My husband is inconsistent about recovery. How can we move toward healing? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "If you find yourself stressed and overwhelmed and feeling like you need to leave, remember that more likely than not, you don't have to make that decision today." "Ask yourself, how has staying with your partner impacted your physical and mental health?" "You need to surround yourself with supportive people to help you move through the crisis into a state of figuring out how to move forward." "Could your leaving be enough of a consequence to shake your partner awake?" "Your partner gets to decide whether they want recovery. They have choices."

Dr. Rob and Tami consider the timeline many couples face when traveling the road of recovery – how and when does it make sense to connect intimately again? Too often the addicted partner is ready to move into the future without allowing appropriate time for healing from the pain and betrayal of the past. How can couples recover and reconcile together in healthy and healing ways? TAKEAWAYS: [0:27] I'm turned on by women that look nothing like my wife. What does this mean about my arousal template? [4:30] Even models are made to feel like they are the wrong 'type'. This isn't about you, it's about the broken person that is hurting you. [6:51] It's been 39 years without emotional intimacy. I need guidelines for living as married singles. [10:20] Why now? Consider what is prompting you to make a major change now. [17:34] Integrity issues are still a major problem. How can I enjoy intimacy again? [22:58] Setting boundaries for healthy sexuality and better communication. [26:45] Self-loathing and repulsion is a common side effect of acting out. [29:12] How can I help support my spouse through my recovery? [38:39] I'm open to reconciling, but he's accusing me of still living in the past. Is this manipulation? [44:35] Hurt spouses are often just looking to be heard and supported for a change. [45:55] Why is my partner's sex persona online nothing like his real life personality? [50:05] What your partner is doing is not as important as the level of safety that you deserve to feel. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "We have to separate addiction from arousal. People have lots of fantasies that they don't act on." "It is challenging as a recovering partner to have your spouse not be focused on you." "You are never, ever, ever, ever responsible for the behavior of the addict." "I may feel entitled to have sex, but going and doing it is just acting out." "You don't get a gold star for not doing what you weren't supposed to do in the first place." "I want you to see reality clearly and without judgement."

Dr. Rob and Tami discuss the arousal template and the meaning behind escalation in addiction. Behaviors themselves are rarely as important as the reasons why the behavior is happening in the first place. What steps does an addict need to take to stop acting out in addictive and harmful ways? How can all involved parties get the support that they need when working through trauma, and where should the intimacy focus be placed in every step of recovery? TAKEAWAYS: [0:25] My husband's porn addiction has grown to include trans sex. What does this mean about his arousal template? [4:35] What role does escalation play in porn addiction? [9:12] Why do sex addicts have delusions, and can they be cured? [11:56] Examples of delusional thinking and the harm it can do. [13:48] I am the addict. What is the best way to get started with sex recovery? [19:15] The one thing Dr. Rob knows is true in every recovery situation is that no one can do it alone. [19:45] I'm one month into recovery - is it time for fun and safe games for reconnection with my wife? [26:45] Consultation options with Dr. Rob for anyone who is seeking hope and validation. [29:01] Recommendations for formal disclosure for a recovering addict should come from the therapist they are working with. [32:40] Is a period of abstinence necessary? The simple answer is YES. Now is the time to work through trauma. [38:10] If your spouse was an alcoholic, 30 days of sobriety would merely be the first step toward recovery. Sex addicts can abstain while focusing on healing. [40:02] What is the difference between high libido and sex addiction? [44:15] The top 15 activities for creating intimacy does not include sex. [44:53] Is a straight man watching gay porn seeking trauma reenactment? [48:51] What matters most is not what is happening but why it's happening in the first place. [50:15] Gay is a way of living, not just who you are attracted to. [53:08] Understanding the why behind betrayal is not going to take away the pain, but doing the work to find peace and stability will. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "There are many things that we are curious about that we don't act out in real life." "Delusional thinking means 'I lie to myself first, and then I lie to everyone else'." "You can't do this alone. You cannot do this alone." "You do not want to have sex with someone that you don't trust." "The issues that you're dealing with as an addict are so much bigger than sex."

Dr. Rob and Tami explore some questions from sex addicts and betrayed partners about trust, intimacy, gaslighting, and disclosure. Dr. Rob highlights the difference between addictive behaviors and sexual preferences, offers a realistic timeline for full disclosure and healing, and explains (again) that there is nothing a partner can do to force an addict to act out. Dr. Rob has written a number of addiction books and explains which one would be most beneficial to whom, and offers additional support options for addicts and betrayed partners. TAKEAWAYS: [0:29] Does wearing women's underwear mean I'm in danger of relapsing? [5:33] How can I enjoy what turns me on without acting out again? [8:20] What turns you on may or may not have anything to do with your addiction. [11:05] My partner's fear of acting out again is keeping us from enjoying sex. How can we move forward together? [14:45] You do not want to have sex with someone you don't trust. [15:18] Dr. Rob highlights effective timing of disclosure to begin to restore trust. [19:55] In a safe harbor relationship, both partners are committed to healing for a set period of time. [21:52] Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt. [22:46] Is a serial cheater who wants an open relationship dealing with addiction or lifestyle choice? [25:01] An addict will always cross boundaries, no matter how wide they are or how open the communication is. [28:09] My partner is withdrawing from sex again, after years of addiction and healing. Where do we go from here? [33:19] Is it typical for betrayal partners to confuse empathy with manipulation and control? [37:25] How can I honor my boundaries while my addict is healing? [43:37] Tami's advice for advanced planning and handling an addict's love bombing. [45:13] Support group for addicts and betrayed partners, and using Dr. Rob's books effectively. [50:01] How will we ever be able to have a healthy sex life again? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "If your attraction does not hurt yourself or hurt someone else or cause harm, and it brings you pleasure, even if you don't feel good about it, that doesn't mean that there is something wrong with it." "You do not want to have sex with someone that you don't trust." "Intimacy is not sex, it is the connection and foundation for healing and trust to be rebuilt."

Dr. Rob and Tami answer some of their community's questions about addiction, betrayal, and more. In this episode, Dr. Rob explains the difference between intimacy and sex, why certain types of men/addicts cheat, and why the partners' of addicts often self-blame; but it is completely not their fault. If you're looking for additional support, Seeking Integrity has a number of free resources for both people with sex/porn addiction as well as their betrayed partners on the Seeking Integrity website. TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] You can't control what your addict/betrayer is doing, so you need to protect and take care of you. [5:00] If I have sex with him/her, will they stop their affairs? [7:30] You deserve to be treated like a person. You deserve to be treated in a respectful manner. [11:15] What happens to someone with a porn addiction? [15:55] When you detox from porn, don't switch to other compulsive behaviors. [20:35] As someone with addictions, you are allowed to ask for a time out with your partner to calm down. [22:35] Unfortunately, after you've hurt your partner, you can't depend on them to boost your self-esteem. [30:25] Dr. Rob, can you talk more about why it's 'not about sex' when someone acts out sexually? [39:50] How long should I go without physical intimacy after a betrayal? [44:15] Please, please, please if you're a betrayed partner, go to the doctor and get a full screening. Addicts lie and you need to take your health into your own hands. [50:10] Why do betrayed partners stay with their addicts? [55:00] Tami shares a few group resources for betrayed partners looking for support. RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "It's not about you. It's not how hot you are, how much weight you can lose, it's not about any of that. No matter what, they're gonna act out." "Why would you sleep with someone you don't trust? If you don't trust him, don't let him in your bed." "Sex addicts prove that you can have sex without intimacy."

Dr. Rob and Tami share what a couple can expect when they sit down and talk with Dr. Rob in person or over Zoom when they are ready to address their infidelity and addiction issues. How do you know if a residential treatment is right for you? What do you do when your spouse still continues to lie to you after formal disclosure? All these questions answered, and more! TAKEAWAYS: [0:45] How long does it take to rewire a porn-addicted mind? [4:50] Addicts think, 'they can't live without this' but when they take a pause they realize that they didn't die. That they can push through. [6:45] My husband said he'd be honest about the affairs going forward. This has been a complete lie. Where do I go from here? [8:45] Whatever you do, don't give up on you. [14:15] Unfortunately, you may never get what you want from that person. [20:25] I fluctuate between me being a horrible person vs. me being a good person that just did a horrible thing. How can I differentiate? [25:55] I struggle to take ownership. Not sure what I should do? [34:25] If you have a question about your spouse's addiction, write it down. Collect them, and then sit down at a scheduled time and talk about them. [37:45] How do you know if residential treatment makes sense for you? [45:00] What does it mean to do a consultation with Dr. Rob? RESOURCES: Seekingintegrity.com Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com Sexandrelationshiphealing.com Intherooms.com Out of the Doghouse: A Step-by-Step Relationship-Saving Guide for Men Caught Cheating, by Robert Weiss Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss QUOTES "The brain doesn't get rewired, it's not a motherboard, but it does adapt." "You're getting the kind of message that you have to work on your own life and what you want from the other person, you may never get; as much as you deserve it." "Guilt is a good thing. Healthy guilt I made a mistake, I need to go back and fix it. Guilt is good information."