Becoming Me

Episode 168In this re-sharing of a Season 10 episode, I explore why deconstruction is a necessary part of healing from complex trauma — especially for people of faith.I define deconstruction as questioning assumptions we've never questioned before and opening up to new possibilities. I share three zones where I've experienced this:1. Self-Identity — Differentiating between the survival "Role Self" I built to be accepted and my true "Core Self" that had been buried.2. Familial & Cultural Values — Recognising how traditions and values handed down through my family facilitated harm and kept me silent.3. Faith — Wrestling with the growing gap between who God revealed Himself to be in my healing journey and the God of my religious upbringing.I also discuss why healing requires more than religious or doctrinal belief — it demands a deep, existential trust that we are held by a love greater than ourselves.I close with reflection questions to help you identify where deconstruction may be showing up in your own journey. You don't need answers — just acknowledging the questions is powerful.Watch this recording on YouTube.CHAPTER MARKERS0:00 Introduction4:08 Defining Deconstruction5:53 Defining Deconstruction10:11 3 Zones of Deconstruction12:07 1. Self-Identity Deconstruction18:43 2. Familial and Cultural Values Deconstruction24:07 3. Faith and Religious Deconstruction39:01 Existential Faith vs Religious or Doctrinal Assent46:34 Questions for Pondering and ConclusionSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 167In this episode, I'm exploring deconstruction through the lens of differentiation and individuation—two psychological concepts that have profoundly shaped my faith journey.For years, I related to Catholicism the way I related to my family of origin—with enmeshment, not healthy boundaries. I believed that closeness meant having no division, that love meant disappearing into the other. I carried this into my relationship with God, believing I had to disappear into Him rather than becoming fully myself.In this episode, I talk about:What differentiation and individuation mean in the context of faithHow enmeshment in family systems mirrors enmeshment with the ChurchWhy questioning and discernment are essential to mature faithThe difference between mystical oneness and emotionally healthy individuationLearning to trust my own desires instead of fearing themHow healing from trauma is itself an act of differentiationWatch this recording on YouTube.RESOURCEJames Finley, The Healing Path: A Memoir and an InvitationCHAPTER MARKERS0:00 Why do some lose faith in God and some do not?1:32 The Commenter's Argument3:31 Deconstruction Beyond Intellect8:13 James Finley's Story14:01 Spiritual But Not Religious17:42 When Personal Encounters Make God Real Beyond Doubt21:32 Conflicting Imprints of God in the Nervous System25:49 When Faith Depends on Constructs41:30 Beyond the Visible Church42:30 The Apophatic TraditionSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 166In this bonus mini-episode,  I share what it's like to taste the fruit of a nine year long interior integration and healing process of my family of origin complex trauma. I describe in concrete terms what this feels like in my body and in the impact I see it has on the rest of my family. I hope this encourages those who are similar healing journeys!Watch on YouTube here.Support the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 165Have you ever wondered why some people deconstruct not only their religion but also their entire faith in God, while others deconstruct aspects of organised religion yet retain a relationship with the divine or even with the Christian God?In this episode, I explore the distinction between deconstructing our notions of God and deconstructing the institutional aspects of faith like Christianity or Catholicism. Drawing from personal experience, I discuss how our individual deconstruction journeys unfold differently based on the depth of our personal encounters with God versus what we've been taught through religious tradition.In this episode I discuss• The difference between deconstructing religion vs. deconstructing God• How personal mystical experiences shape our faith journey• How conflicting imprints about God in our nervous systems can create an insecure, “disorganised” or confused attachment with God• Understanding "spiritual but not religious" in the context of deconstruction• The apophatic (mystical) tradition in ChristianityWatch this recording on YouTube.RESOURCEJames Finley, The Healing Path: A Memoir and an InvitationCHAPTER MARKERS0:00 Why do some lose faith in God and some do not?1:32 The Commenter's Argument3:31 Deconstruction Beyond Intellect8:13 James Finley's Story14:01 Spiritual But Not Religious17:42 When Personal Encounters Make God Real Beyond Doubt21:32 Conflicting Imprints of God in the Nervous System25:49 When Faith Depends on Constructs41:30 Beyond the Visible Church42:30 The Apophatic TraditionSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 164In this episode, I talk about how moral injury can be connected to or trigger deconstruction. This is a topic that has been deeply significant in my own journey of interior integration and healing.Moral injury is the damage done to one's conscience or moral compass when we perpetrate, witness, or fail to prevent acts that transgress our own moral beliefs and values. Originally studied in war veterans, this concept has helped me understand the trauma I've experienced in relation to the Catholic Church and spiritual harm.I share how moral injury doesn't just happen when we're directly involved in something wrong—it can occur when we're spectators to injustice, when institutions we trust betray their stated values, or when spiritual leaders remain silent in the face of harm. I also explore how we often defend ourselves against moral injury through rationalisation, and how the journey of interior integration requires us to become more embodied and truthful about reality.This episode is deeply personal as I reflect on my own experiences of deconstruction—not as a total loss of faith, but as a necessary dismantling of religious frameworks that could no longer hold the truth I was encountering in my relationship with God.Watch this recording on YouTube.CHAPTER MARKERS0:00 Introduction: Moral Injury and Deconstruction2:41 What is Moral Injury?3:26 Origins in War Veterans Studies5:13 Moral Injury as Spectators7:45 Current Events and Personal Experience10:57 Betrayal by Spiritual Leaders22:54 Cognitive Dissonance and Defense Mechanisms31:23 Interior Integration Journey33:42 Naming Harm in Family Relationships42:39 Becoming Embodied and Seeing Truth46:09 Deconstructing the Church51:25 Relationship with God Through DeconstructionSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 163In this episode, I dive into one of the most challenging aspects of deconstruction: trying to explain it to others who haven't experienced it themselves.I respond to a thoughtful question from a follower about how to remain committed to the church while being honest about its limitations during deconstruction. But as I share, this question itself reveals the gap between those observing deconstruction from the outside and those living through it.What I explore in this episode:Why deconstruction can't be fully understood from an intellectual or conceptual level aloneHow trauma plays a central role in the deconstruction processWhy it's impossible to "hold onto the good" while deconstructing—and why that's okayThe difference between critiquing the church and actually deconstructing your faithWhy deconstruction feels like drowning, like having your entire container of faith fall apartHow my own journey with family trauma mirrors my faith deconstructionDeconstruction is disorganised, chaotic, and impossible to neatly explain even to ourselves. If you're going through this process, I hope you feel seen. If you're trying to understand someone who is, I hope this gives you compassion for how difficult it is to put into words.Watch this recording on YouTube.CHAPTER MARKERS0:00 Introduction6:22 Unpacking a Follower's Question11:21 Reading the Question16:25 Deconstructing the Container, Not Just the Content18:18 Seeing the Harm in Church Structures37:22 You Can't Hold On While Letting Go45:13 My Family of Origin Story55:39 God Wants Freedom for Us57:47 External Critique vs. Interior Journey1:02:00 Closing ThoughtsSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 162Welcome to my first episode of 2026! After a six-week break, I'm returning with greater clarity and readiness to share about a topic I've been living through: deconstruction.In this episode, I'm opening up about my personal journey through deconstruction—not as an outside observer, but as someone who has walked (and is still walking) this difficult path. What I Cover:• Why lived experience matters when discussing deconstruction—and why resources from those who haven't gone through it often fall short• The crucial connection between deconstruction and trauma that's often missing from conversations• Why deconstruction is an embodied, multidimensional experience that can't be reduced to intellectual analysis alone• The mystical dimension of deconstruction and what it means to leap into the abyss with no guarantees• How deconstruction relates to spiritual midlife and the transition into the second half of life• Why I had to be willing to let go of everything—even my identity as a "good Catholic"—to follow where Christ was leadingThis is the beginning of a season exploring deconstruction from multiple angles. I'll be addressing questions listeners send me and diving into the many facets of this complex, painful, and ultimately transformative journey.If you're going through deconstruction yourself, I hope this offers you some companionship and validation. If you're trying to understand what someone you love is experiencing, I hope this gives you insight into the depth and sacredness of this process.Watch this recording on YouTube.CHAPTER MARKERS0:00 - Introduction: Why Now?9:37 - The Importance of Lived Experience21:01 - Deconstruction and Trauma29:42 - Trauma-Informed Lens to Reactions Towards Deconstruction38:01 - The Integrative Lens44:24 - The Mystical Dimension51:57 - No Guarantee in Deconstruction56:45 - The Second Half of Life1:01:25 - Closing ThoughtsSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 161What if the reason spiritual abuse is so rampant yet unrecognised in the Church is because these kind of dynamics have always been part of the way the Church existed in the world?In this deeply personal episode, I talk about my journey awakening to and grappling with the legacy of spiritual abuse and trauma within the Catholic Church. I share the story of how I was led in my interior journey into deconstructing my old Self, the way I related to my family of origin and eventually my understanding of and relationship with my Catholic faith. I share how learning to recognise trauma, harm and abuse led me to wrestle with the integrity of what I believed and how that faith is embodied in the world.This reflection offers an honest, bold and nuanced discussion on the complex interplay between faith and coercion in the 2,000 years of the history of the Church and how that impacts the way we live our faith out today. How can we as Church continue to undergo conversion from the legacy of coercion and spiritual abuse that has made up such a huge part of our intergenerational, collective and systemic trauma within the Catholic Church? Join me in this thought-provoking sharing!Watch this recording on YouTube.CHAPTER MARKERS00:00 Introduction and Personal Journey01:14 Deconstructing Faith and Identity03:52 Family of Origin and Trauma09:10 Anger and Frustration with the Church14:43 Historical Context of Church Coercion19:21 Reconciling Faith and Church Authority22:58 The Role of Conscience in Faith24:15 Spiritual Abuse and Church Culture46:03 Hope and Transformation in the Church51:29 ConclusionSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 160We know we’re called to holiness, that we’re called to be saints. But have we really grappled with what holiness means? With what becoming saints really mean? In my latest podcast episode I share how I have come to ask these questions in much more earnest after learning about how even canonised saints commit great harm to people, and how some of these harmful actions are even considered by many as part of holiness.I dive into the concepts of sainthood and holiness, especially in light of personal experiences with trauma and spiritual abuse. Reflecting on the stories of saints like Padre Pio and Mother Teresa, I explore how their actions and the narratives surrounding them can impact our understanding of holiness. I encourage viewers to question and reconsider what it means to be holy, particularly from the perspective of embodied spiritual and emotional health. Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.RESOURCESThe Turning: The Sisters Who Left “The Turning”: The dark side of Mother Teresa’s order, according to nuns who leftCHAPTER MARKERS00:00 Introduction00:30 Spiritual Abuse and Its Prevalence02:07 Saints and Holiness: Personal Experiences02:53 Padre Pio: Reverence and Controversy11:41 Questioning Holiness and Spiritual Abuse23:02 Mother Teresa: A Complex Legacy33:56 Holiness, Love, and Abuse44:24 Final Thoughts and EncouragementSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.

Episode 159In today's episode, we explore the intersection of enmeshment trauma and spiritual abuse. If you're new to the concept, enmeshment trauma occurs in families that are too close to the point where individual boundaries and self-identity are compromised. This episode delves into the signs and impacts of enmeshment trauma, such as poor boundaries, lack of self-identity, feeling overly responsible for others and constant seeking of approval. I also discuss how these dynamics can lead to spiritual abuse within both families and faith communities, particularly through the misuse of authority and abuse of conscience. Offering insights and personal experiences, this episode aims to help you recognise and heal from these harmful patterns especially when they are cloaked in beautiful and ‘holy’ language such as ‘accountability’ and ‘fraternal correction’.Watch this recording on YouTube.Follow me on my Instagram account @animann for more material on the integration journey and subscribe to my monthly reflections on Begin Again.RESOURCESHoly Hurt: Understanding Spiritual Trauma and the Process of Healing (Book)Holy Hurt (Podcast) Understanding Enmeshment Trauma Enmeshment in Family: Breaking Free from Unhealthy Closeness  CHAPTER MARKERS00:00 Introduction00:11 Understanding Enmeshment Trauma02:33 Healthy Intimacy vs. Enmeshment05:27 Spiritual and Religious Trauma09:56 What is Enmeshment Trauma?13:01 Personal Experiences and Cultural Context13:47 Signs of Enmeshment Trauma19:09 Impact of Enmeshment Trauma25:54 Enmeshment in Faith Communities32:19 Conclusion and Final ThoughtsSupport the showSUBSCRIBE | FOLLOW | SUPPORTSocial Media:Follow Ann Yeong on Instagram or Facebook.Newsletter:Subscribe to Begin Again for Ann's updates and reflections.Support the Show:Monthly Support (starting at USD$3)One-time DonationLeave a Review:If this podcast has blessed you, please leave a review by clicking here.