Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

The podcast dives into the struggle with our inner critic, especially in parenting. A therapist shares her journey through the chaos of managing three kids and sleep deprivation. Listeners learn how to navigate frustrations while embracing their children's uniqueness. Transformative coaching experiences reveal the importance of vulnerability and community. The discussion emphasizes self-awareness, nonviolent communication, and the need for support to foster healthier parent-child relationships.

In this episode I take a look at the main reasons why we have these hard days - from our child's temperament to our temperament to attachment relationships, trauma, and neurodivergences - all of these intersect especially tightly on the hard days.   Then we look at three ways to get through these days with a little more grace - and maybe even without having to apologize to your child at the end of it.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Jump to highlights 02:44 It can be difficult when we have a temperament mismatch 03:25 But having the same temperament can also be difficult 04:36 Children will often take on a role in the family 05:29 Our attachment style impacts how we perceive other people’s behavior 10:40 Making a non-cognitive shift so you see difficult days differently 21:05 We don’t always have to fix everything in the moment 25:59 The challenges to meeting your needs more often 29:43 The part we often forget is that your child has needs as well

A.J. Bond, a writer and filmmaker, discusses the origins of shame, healing from toxic shame, and not passing it on to our own children. They explore the role of therapy in confronting shame, the importance of attunement and connection in preventing shame in children, and the four broad categories of reactions in the compass of shame. They also discuss the accessibility of therapy, the significance of peer groups and group sharing for healing, and strategies to support healthy growth and avoid shame.

This episode kicks off a series of new episodes that I'm very excited about, which is based on listeners' questions. My goal is to produce shorter episodes that cut across the research base to help you answer the questions that are on your mind about your child's behavior and development.   Our first question comes from Dee in New Zealand, who wants to know: should she should do what her preschooler is asking and buy a pair of inflatable boxing gloves so he can hit her when he's feeling angry. Or would hitting a pillow be a better option?   If you'd like to submit your own question, you can record a video of yourself asking it in two minutes or less, upload it to a platform like Drive or Dropbox, and send a link to it at support@yourparentingmojo.com. Alternatively you can go to the homepage and click the button to record your question for an audio-only option.   Ready to break free from the cycle of triggered reactions and conflict in your parenting journey? If you want to: 😟 Be triggered less often by your child’s behavior, 😐 React from a place of compassion and empathy instead of anger and frustration, 😊 Respond to your child from a place that’s aligned with your values rather than reacting in the heat of the moment,   the Taming Your Triggers workshop will help you make this shift.   Join us to transform conflict into connection and reclaim peace in your parenting journey.   Click the banner to learn more!     Other episode referenced: Episode 159, Supporting girls' relationships with Dr. Marnina Gonick   Jump to highlights 02:18 Parent Dee’s question about her child 04:02 The six things going on in the question 06:19 The Catharsis Theory 07:18 Pointing out the difference in terminology about anger and aggression 09:38 Most of the research has studied cognitive behavioral therapy as a treatment for anger and aggression 11:22 The difference between adults and children in navigating situations 13:10 Anger in girls and boys 14:42 Addressing the difficult behavior instead of the reason for the behavior 16:00 The importance of self-regulation in managing feelings of anger 17:06 Most of us didn’t have great role models for how to cope with anger 22:23 Things to do to help a child regulate their feelings

In this episode, the host shares their personal experiences and insights regarding their recent autism self-diagnosis. They discuss the results of their autism screeners and conversations with friends about difficult aspects of friendships. The host also shares listener feedback, both positive and negative, regarding their podcast episodes, and highlights the journey of a listener with an ADHD diagnosis. The goal of the episode is to help listeners gain self-understanding, meet their needs, and foster more authentic relationships. Various chapters explore personal sharing, stepfamily dynamics, social struggles, and the value of clarity and communication in relationships.

Most of the resources related to parenting and neurodiversity are geared toward helping neurodivergent children, not neurodivergent parents, so this episode aims to help close that gap.   Whether you (or your partner, if you have one) have a diagnosis or you see yourself (or them) struggling but can't quite figure out why, this episode may help. Autism and ADHD are diagnosed at wildly differing rates in girls and boys (in large part because boys' symptoms often turn outward while girls' symptoms turn inward), which means that girls are very often undiagnosed and unsupported well into adulthood.   Dr. A. may help you to identify neurodivergence in yourself or your partner, and then connect you to resources to support you on your journey.   Find more about Dr. A's practice at SpectrumServicesNYC.com   I also very much appreciated Dr. A's memoir The Rose Hotel (affiliate link) about her experiences in Iran during the revolution, and later in the U.K. and the U.S.   Jump to highlights 00:03 Introduction to this episode. 03:07 What kind of patterns do you see in couples where one partner is known to be neurodivergent? 07:28 It’s often the female-identifying partner who is the one who identifies the issue. 11:46 What are some of the red flags for neurodivergent partners? 16:05 Men tend to flood four times as fast as their female partners when they are in an argument. 21:43 How do I support my partner in being a successful parent and also find more balance in terms of what they bring to the family? 25:38 What do we do with this knowledge that we have? 30:31 Dealing with conflict between the couple. 32:46 What do you think of the idea of trauma as a factor in ADHD? 36:12 Diagnosis of ADHD is multi-directional. 41:56 Mental health is still stigmatized, and getting a diagnosis could backfire on you. 42:31 What is a diagnosis and how does it help? 47:44 The different types of ADHD. 53:03 Social calendaring and extracurricular activities. 54:46 Time blocking is a better approach for ADHD. 01:01:45 Strengths of people with ADHD.   References Blair, R.J.R. (2005). Responding to the emotions of others: Dissociating forms of empathy through the study of typical and psychiatric populations. Consciousness and Cognition 14(4), 698-718. Bostock-Ling, J.S. (2017, December). Life satisfaction of neurotypical women in intimate relationships with a partner who has Asperger’s Syndrome: An exploratory study. Unpublished Master’s thesis: The University of Sydney. Chronis-Tuscano, A., & Stein, M.A. (2012). Pharmapsychotherapy for parents with Attention-Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD): Impact on maternal ADHD and parenting. CNS Drugs 26(9), 725-732. Chronis-Tuscano, A., O’Brien, K.A., Johnston, C., Jones, H.A., Clarke, T.L., Raggi, V.L., Rooney, M.E., Diaz, Y., Pian, J., & Seymour, K.E. (2011). The relation between maternal ADHD symptoms & improvement in child behavior following brief behavioral parent training is mediated by change in negative parenting. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 39, 1047-1057. Conway, F., Oster, M., & Szymanski, K. (2011). ADHD and complex trauma: A descriptive study of hospitalized children in an urban psychiatric hospital. Journal of Infant, Child, and Adolescent Psychotherapy 10, 60-72. Dziobek, I., Rogers, K., Fleck, S., Bahnemann, M., Heekeren, H.R., Wolf, O.T., & Convit, A. (2007). Dissociation of cognitive and emotional empathy in adults with Asperger Syndrome using the mUltifaceted Empathy Test (MET). Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 38, 464-473. Ford, J.D., Thomas, J., Racusin, R., Daviss, W.B., Ellis, C.G., Rogers, K., Reiser, J., Schiffman, J., & Sengupta, A. (1999). Trauma exposure among children with Oppositional Defiant Disorder and Attention Deicit-Hyperactivity Disorder. Journal of Consulting and Clinical Psychology 67(5), 786-789. Hull, L., Petrides, K.V., & Mandy, W. (2020). The female autism phenotype and camouflaging: A narrative review. Review Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders 7, 306-317. Lilley, R., Lawson, W., Hall, G., Mahony, J., Clapham, H., Heyworth, M., Arnold, S., Trollor, J., Yudell, M., & Pellicano, E. (2022). “Peas in a pod”: Oral history reflections on autistic identity in family and community by late-diagnosed adults. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 1-16. Mazursky-Horowitz, H., Thomas, S.R., Woods, K.E., Chrabaszcz, J.D., Deater-Deckard, K., & Chronis-Tuscano, A. (2018). Maternal executive functioning and scaffolding families of children with and without parent-reported ADHD. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 46(3), 463-475. Mazursky-Horowitz, H., Felton, J.W., MacPherson, L., Ehrlich, K.B., Cassidy, J., Lejuez, C.W., & Chronis-Tuscano, A. (2014). Maternal emotion regulation mediates the association between adult Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder symptoms and parenting. Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 43(1), 121-131. McGough, J.J., Smalley, S.L., McCracken, J.T., Yang, M., Del’Homme, M., Lynn, D.E., & Loo, S. (2005). Psychiatric comorbidity in adult attention deficit hyperactivity disorder: Findings from multiplex families. American Journal of Psychiatry 162, 1621-1627. Moser, D.A., Aue, T., Suardi, F., Manini, A., Rossignol, A.S., Cordero, M.I., Merminod, G., Ansermet, F., Serpa, S.R., Fabez, N., & Schechter, D.S. (2015). The relation of general socio-emotional processing to parenting specific behavior: A study of mothers with and without posttraumatic stress disorder. Frontiers in Psychology 6:1575. National Library of Medicine (n.d.). 14. Prevalence of Autism Spectrum Disorder. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/books/NBK332896/ Park, J.L., Hudec, K.L., Johnston, C. (2017). Parental ADHD symptoms and parenting behaviors: A meta-analysis. Clinical Psychology Review 56, 25-39. Pearlstein, T., & Steiner, M. (2012). Premenstral Dysphoric Disrorder: Burden of illness and treatment update. The Journal of Lifelong Learning in Psychiatry X(1), 90-101. Psychogiou, L., Daley, D., Thompson, M.J., & Sonuga-Barke, E.J.S. (2008). Do maternal attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptoms exacerbate or ameliorate the negative effect of child attention-deficit/hyperactivity disorder symptoms on parenting? Development and Psychopathology 20, 121-137. Reinhold, J.A. (2015). Adult ADHD: A review of the clinical presentation, challenges, and treatment options. Psychiatric Times 32(10), 41. World Health Organization (2022, March 30). Autism. Author. Retrieved from: https://www.who.int/news-room/fact-sheets/detail/autism-spectrum-disorders#:~:text=It%20is%20estimated%20that%20worldwide,figures%20that%20are%20substantially%20higher

Have you ever seen recommendations for the books called Your One Year Old, Your Two Year Old, and so on, by Louise Bates Ames?  Every few weeks I see parents posting in online communities asking about some aspect of their child’s behavior that is confusing or annoying to them, and somebody responds: “You should read the Louise Bates Ames books!”   This usually comes with the caveat that the reader will have to disregard all the 'outdated gender stuff,' but that the information on child development is still highly relevant.   In this episode I dig deep into the research on which these books are based. While the books were mostly published in the 1980s, they're based on research done in the 1930s to 1950s.   I argue that far from just 'stripping out the outdated gender stuff,' we need to look much deeper at the cultural context that the information in these books fits within - because it turns out that not only were the researchers not measuring 'normal,' 'average' child development, but that they were training children to respond to situations in a certain way, based on ideas about a person's role in society that may not fit with our views at all. And if this is the case, why should we use these books as a guide to our children's development?   Other episodes mentioned: RIEScience of RIEToilet learningParenting Beyond Pink and BlueNVC   Jump to highlights: 02:41 An open invitation to check out the new book that will be released in August 2023. 04:59)Why these child psych books from the 1980s are all over parenting Facebook groups today 06:01 The Gesell philosophy of human behavior 08:48 Who is Louise Bates 10:32 Who is Arnold Gesell 11:28 How the children were selected to participate in the experiment 14:28 How our view of childhood had undergone a massive shift in the previous 100 years 16:09 What’s it like to have a child involved in the study 19:35 Some of the significant milestones provided by researchers 20:50 Dr. Gesell is looking to study the natural development of children’s physical capabilities 22:07 What normal seems to mean in the study 23:11 Gesell fails to observe what the baby’s hands are actually doing 24:18 The purpose of the ‘performance box’ 27:44 I add my own judgment of the research 28:32 Gesell wrote that what he called ‘systematic cinematography’ 29:22 Another way that the situation was anything but natural was that the study took place within a dome 30:59 Dr. Gesell observed the effect of the running commentary on him in the experimenter role 31:54 Dr. Gesell makes contradictory statements about whether the behavior he observed in the lab was the same as the behavior the child displayed at home 32:58 A baby’s behavior changes based on the environment it is in 35:04 What the researchers say about children’s capabilities outside of the lab 35:56 Even the view of maturation itself is inextricably linked to Euro-centric ideas about time, on both micro and macro scales. 40:51 What are parents supposed to do with all this information 45:19 One of the Dr. Bates Ames’ key ideas is that development doesn’t proceed in a linear fashion 47:52 The similarity between reading the development book and reading a horoscope 52:33 The idea that things aren’t linear in our children’s development is super helpful 52:54 I found the most useful description of why this non-linear behavior happens in a book of essays by Dr. Myrtle McGraw 54:14 Going back to the outdated ideas about gender 57:11 The flow of authority 01:00:55 When we use our power to get children to do what we want them to do we’re still promoting the values of a patriarchal culture 01:02:58 The most common word uttered is ‘mine’ 01:05:04 Each of the decisions parents make is made in a cultural context 01:07:36 An episode suggestion to listen to   References Al-Bdour, A-N.A., Akasheh, H.F., & Al-Husban, N.A. (2003). Ultrasonography of the uterus after normal vaginal delivery. Saudi Medical Journal 25(1), 41-44.   Astrology King (October 29, 2022). Aries Last Week: October 24 to 30, 2022. Author. Retrieved from: https://astrologyking.com/aries-last-week/   Ball, R.S. (1977). The Gesell Developmental Schedules; Arnold Gesell (1880-1961). Journal of Abnormal Child Psychology 5(3), 233-239.   Britannica, The Editors of Encyclopaedia (2022, June 17). Arnold Gesell. Encyclopedia Britanica. https://www.britannica.com/biography/Arnold-Gesell   Dalton, T.C., & Bergenn, V.W. (1995). Beyond heredity and environment: Myrtle cGraw and the maturation controversy. Boulder: Westview Press.   Gesell, A., Ilg, F.L., Bates Ames, L., & Rodell, J.L. (1971). Infant and child in the culture of today: The guidance of development in home and nursery school. New York: Harper & Row.   Gesell, A., Halverson, H.M., Thompson, H., Ilg, F.L, Castner, B.M., Ames, L.B., & Amatruda, C.S. (1940). The first five years of life: A guide to the study of the preschool child. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers.   Gesell, A.D., Thompson, H., & Amatruda, C.S. (1938). The psychology of early growth, Including norms of infant behavior and a method of genetic analysis. New York: MacMillan.   Gesell, A., Thompson, H., & Amatruda, C.S. (1934). Infant behavior: Its genesis and growth. New York: McGraw Hill.   Gesell, A. (1952). Infant development: The embryology of early human behavior. New York: Harper & Brothers Publishers.   Gesell, A. (1930). The guidance of mental growth in infant and child. New York: The MacMillan Company.   Gesell, A. (1926). The mental growth of the preschool: A psychological outline of normal development from birth to the sixth year, including a system of developmental diagnosis. New York: The MacMillan Company.   Gesell, A. (1925). The retarged child: How to help him. Bloomington, IL: Public School Publishing Company.   Ilg, F.L., & Bates Ames, L. (1972). Child behavior. New York: Barnes & Noble Books.   Knobloch, H., & Pasamanick, B. (1974). Gesell and Amatruda’s developmental diagnosis: The evaluation and management of normal and abnormal neuropsychologic development in infancy and early childhood (3rd Ed.). Hagerstown: Harper & Row.   Lancy, D. (2015). The anthropology of childhood: Cherubs, chattel, changelings (2nd Ed.). Cambridge, Cambridge University Press.   Leung, K.C., & Sauve, R.S. (2005). Breast is best for babies. Journal of the National Medical Association 97(7), 1010-1019.   Mulic‐Lutvica, A., Bekuretsion, M., Bakos, O., & Axelsson, O. (2001). Ultrasonic evaluation of the uterus and uterine cavity after normal, vaginal delivery. Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology: The Official Journal of the International Society of Ultrasound in Obstetrics and Gynecology, 18(5), 491-498.   O’Neill, A. (2022, June 21). Child mortality rate (under five years old) in the United States, from 1800 to 2020. Statista. Retrieved from: https://www.statista.com/statistics/1041693/united-states-all-time-child-mortality-rate/   Pelcowitz, M. (2012). Louise Bates Ames. Psychology’s Feminist Voices. Retrieved from: https://feministvoices.com/profiles/louise-bates-ames   Pikler, E. (1972). Data on gross motor development of the infant. Early Child Development and Care 1(3), 297-310.   Pikler, E. (1968). Some contributions to the study of the gross motor development of children. The Journal of Genetic Psychology 113(1), 27-39.   Tredgold, A.F. (1909). II. The feeble-minded – a social danger. The Eugenics Review 1(2), 97-104.

Are you a shitty parent? Or do you ever think you might be? Parenting today is so hard, and there are so many models of 'perfect parenting' available on social media that we can compare ourselves against that provide 'evidence' that we're not doing it right. Things can get even more difficult when we believe in respectful parenting, because we have a model for what we know we want parenting to be like - and every time we fall short of that ideal, the voice is there: "You don't know what you're doing." "You'll never be able to do it right." "You're a shitty parent." My guest today, Carla Naumburg, is the author of the bestselling book How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids, which was conveniently released just before a global pandemic started when we suddenly all started losing our shit with our kids. Now she's back with a new book: You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent which helps us to understand: Where these stories about ourselves come fromHow we can stop believing these storiesWays to treat both ourselves and our children with more compassion Carla was kind enough to send an advance copy of the book to a member of my community who said that she would read a sentence in it and think: “But you don’t know me; I actually AM a shitty parent!”...and then in the next sentence it was almost like Carla had read her mind and was prepared to address the member's precise concern. So if you ever feel anxious about your ability to parent in a way that's aligned with your values and think it's all about your failures, Carla has ideas to help. Please note that some swearing is inevitable when you're talking about Carla's books but apart from that the conversation was remarkably restrained on the language front!   Carla Naumburg's Books (Affiliate links) You Are Not A Sh*tty Parent Affiliate link to How to Stop Losing Your Shit With Your Kids   Jump to highlights 01:53 Introducing today’s guest 02:52 Exploring various types of struggles in life and parenting and the importance of distinguishing between them 08:54 Discussing self-compassion, distinguishing it from what it isn't 14:18 Exploring the difficulties of practicing self-compassion in a world of constant comparison and negative self-talk 20:07 Recognizing thoughts, acknowledging the separation between ourselves and our thoughts 29:57 Fostering compassion by first being kind to yourself, speaking compassionately to your kids, and adjusting your self-talk about them 40:06 Embracing the ever-changing seasons of life helps us release unrealistic expectations, find gratitude in the present, and accept the natural flow of experiences 44:53 Balancing compassion with power is essential for a just society 50:05 Self-compassion as a lifelong journey, not a destination 56:50 Wrapping up the discussion   References Yarnell, L.M., Stafford, R.E., Neff, K.D., Reilly, E.D., Knox, M.C., & Mullarkey, M. (2015). Meta-analysis of gender differences in self-compassion. Self and Identity 14(5), 499-520.

Did you read Little House on the Prairie when you were a child? I didn't, but I know it's a common American rite of passage.   My guest in this new episode, Dr. Dolly Chugh, got entirely immersed in the story with her two young daughters - so much so that they took a vacation to the places depicted in the story, and her daughters danced around in prairie dresses.   Dr. Chugh didn't realized until afterward that there was something missing from both Little House on the Prairie and from her family's exploration of the Midwest: settlers didn't arrive to find unoccupied land ready for farming; the government actively removed Native Americans from the land so it could be occupied by 'settlers.'   Dr. Chugh studies issues related to race as a professor, and yet she completely missed this aspect of our country's history.   In her new book, A More Just Future, Dr. Chugh asks why so-called Good People act in ways that are counter to their beliefs because we don't have all the information we need, or we prioritize some information over others.   In our conversation we discussed this research, and what we can all do to take actions that are aligned with our values - even when we're new to working on social justice issues.   Dr. Dolly Chugh Book: A more just future: Reckoning with our past and driving social change. (Affiliate link)   Jump to highlights: (09:13) 3 ways that we tend to perceive ourselves. (12:02) People who are trying to avoid a loss are more likely to make less ethical choices than people trying to make a game. (14:35) Kahneman and Tversky's work that says how you frame something can have meaningful consequences, even if the thing you're framing is exactly the same. (15:06) So that’s all the research of Framing says, and the gain versus loss piece of it says that you can have identical situations. But what the research, Molly Curran and I have shown us that if you frame it as a loss, people are more likely to cheat. (28:51) James Loewen has done some, some deep analyses of textbooks where he's, you know, God bless him spent two years he took like the 20 most popular history textbooks used in American high schools.   References Blunt, A., & Pychyl, T.A. (2005). Project systems of procrastinators: A personal project-analytic and action control perspective. Personality and Individual Differences 38(8), 1771-1780. Fee, R.L., & Tangney, J.P. (2000). Procrastination: A means of avoiding shame or guilt? Journal of social behavior and personality 15(5), 167-184. Gilbert, D.T., Wilson, T.D., Pinel, E.C., Blumberg, S.J., & Wheatley, T.P. (1998). Immune neglect: A source of durability bias in affective forecasting. Personality and Social Psychology 75(3), 617-638. Kim, K., del Carmen Triana, M., Chung, K., & Oh, N. (2015). When do employees cyberloaf? An interactionist perspective examining personality, justice, and empowerment. Human Resource Management 55(6), 1041-1058. Sirois, F.M., Melia-Gordon, M.L., & Pychyl, T.A. (2003). “I’ll look after my health, later”: An investigation of procrastination and health. Personality and Individual Differences 35(5), 1167-1184. Sirois, F.M., & Pychyl, T. (2013). Procrastination and the priority of short-term mood regulation: Consequences for future self. Social and Personality Psychology Compass 7(2), 115-127. Wohl, M.J.A., Pychyl, T.A., & Bennett, S.H. (2010). I forgive myself, now I can study: how self-forgiveness for procrastination can reduce future procrastination. Personality and Individual Differences 48, 803-808.  

Dr. Fuschia Sirois, expert on procrastination, discusses the different types and prevalence of procrastination. They explore the link between emotional states and procrastination, as well as tools for managing procrastination as a parent. The role of forgiveness and self-compassion in addressing procrastination is also explored, along with the concept of visualizing your future self. The podcast ends with a discussion on helping children overcome procrastination and model healthy emotion regulation.