Therapist Uncensored Podcast

“Insight is the boobie-prize of therapy,”  Lori Gottlieb in today’s episode. There are many misconceptions and stereotypes about therapy.  In today’s episode join co-host Sue Marriott and Lori Gottlieb’s discussion and get a fast-take on how to use the experience to best get what you actually need. “We are unreliable narrators of our own story. The parts we DON’T see are the ones that can help us the most.” Loro Gottlieb joins co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP for a discussion on the behind-the-scenes look at what therapy really is. In her NYT best-selling book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Lori shared stories of several patients – including herself- and tells her own story about  seeking therapy and what she learned. She helps people understand how to solve their own problems, understand their behavior and actions, and tap into their “inner knowing” whenever they need it. Too often people expect the therapist to just give them the solution but therapists actually wants to give people the tools to solve their problems as they come up. She shares her approach to therapy today, but also really gives us some background on how important it is to understand that we are telling our own story, and we have the agency to be able to change that narrative and use that to face down the issues in your life. People go to therapy to unlearn themselves. Who is Lori Gottlieb? Lori Gottlieb is a powerhouse, and we are so honored to have her on the show. She is a psychotherapist and author of the New York Times bestseller Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, which is currently being adapted as a television series. In addition to her clinical practice, she writes The Atlantic’s weekly “Dear Therapist” advice column and is co-host of the popular “Dear Therapists” podcast produced by Katie Couric. She contributes regularly to The New York Times and many other publications and in 2019, her TED Talk was one of the Top 10 Most Watched of the Year. A member of the Advisory Council for Bring Change to Mind, she is a sought-after expert in media such as The Today Show, Good Morning America, CBS This Morning, CNN, and NPR’s “Fresh Air.” People go in circles and end up in the same place, but they don’t understand their role in the story might be quite different than they expect. Lori Gottlieb episode details: Being a therapist and also a human, breaking down the wall between the two. How you may be an unreliable narrator in your own story. Why it’s important to understand and know that how you present your story – focusing on the process not the content. Why the role you think you have might NOT be your ACTUAL role. We have a choice in how we respond to issues and people in our lives. “The most effective therapy is a rich human connection,” Lori Gottlieb talking with Sue Marriott. Resources: Visit her website: LoriGottlieb.com Grab her book, Maybe You Should Talk to Someone Check out her Podcast, Dear Therapists Her column, Dear Therapist in The Atlantic Don’t miss her writings in The New York Times! <span data-mce-type="bookmark" style="display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;" class="mce_SELRES_start"></span><span data-mce-type="bookmark" style="display: inline-block; width: 0px; overflow: hidden; line-height: 0;" class="mce_SELRES_start"></span>   Haven’t gotten enough of therapy and therapists? https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu62-the-luv-doc-dating-and-relationship-advice-from-the-trenches-with-dan-hardick/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu67-a-practical-technique-to-calm-and-confidence-with-guest-richard-hill/   Don’t forget, you are invited to join our Patreon. It offers so much extra content, like book clubs, study groups, but it also helps us keep the podcast running ad-free! We’d love to see you there.   Enjoy this episode: Tweet about this episode for others to listen too!

Is what we call attachment security yet another form of privilege? Gulp. If you are marginalized and feel you can add substance to this conversation of class, race, culture, and attachment, please contact us!   We can publish your written word, highlight your work, pass on your perspective or potentially… have you on as a guest.  We and our incredible audience want to listen and learn. With deep respect for the scholars, clinicians, and scientists that have cumulatively developed one of the most solid lines of empirically supported psychological theory in human history, we trust that these are questions those who came before us have previously welcomed and would continue to encourage.  By definition, we cannot know what is unconsciously affecting our perceptions, interpretations, and experienced-based assumptions.  Implicit bias is real though, and it is our absolute responsibility to vet it out and question what we think we know. Our deep hope is that the re-examination of this line of exploration serves to refine, add dimension and thus embolden attachment theory, not diminish it. Given what those of us in the dominant cultures are only slowly consciously realizing, it is extremely hard to see what we don’t perceive.  Questioning one’s relationship with parents can be offensive to some, and not having enough humility and shame can be detrimental in some cultures, ie. the opposite of insecurity.  Working to escape our embedded cultural and experience-based assumptions about what constitutes maternal sensitivity, security and human attachment disorder is not an act, or a podcast, or a moment, but a permanent stance. It’s a WEIRD problem (Western, educated, industrialized, rich and developed) and has perpetuated marginalization and exclusion of those that are different. Don’t underestimate the impact of class, culture and race. In this episode, Sue Marriott and Ann Kelley continue to explore how class, culture, and race impact the path of psychotherapy, especially when it comes to attachment.  They discuss how socioeconomic status (SES) by itself affects human development, (non-gendered) patriarchal assumptions, cultural variations especially related to individualistic versus communal cultures, epigenetics of racial violence and child development impacts of First People’s cultural annihilation, By 2 years of age, the simple fact of income disparity is a huge factor affeting the total surface area of your brain (more is better). The less reliable income or family wealth, the greater the statistical difference.  Complex language exposure and stress are huge variables, and teasing apart that and attachment science is complex. They discuss patriarchy, racial inequality, collectivist versus individualistic cultures, poverty and class – HUGE topics that we too often change check-out lines to avoid awkwardness and the fears of saying the wrong thing or offending someone.  Sue and Ann chose to mess up, unintentionally offend and feel scared and insecure in their words for the greater goal of engaging in conversation and stimulating thinking on how Western white wealthy privilege impacts attachment science and our views on healthy child development overall. NOTE: As the hosts of Therapist Uncensored we are middle-aged, educated, white, cis-women.  We both mostly identify as gay but can pass even when we don’t mean to.  Even though we like to see ourselves as outsiders, we are decidedly not.  We are wealthy relative to the world, have the massive privilege of the mic for a Top 10 show on iTunes with almost 2 million downloads so our voice is ridiculously and undeservedly amplified over other voices. We hope to use our privilege to share the science of relating to those who would otherwise not ever have access and to amplify voices and perspectives that might otherwise not be heard.  We love our collective community of professional mental health providers but don’t limit our programming to therapists only because we know healers come in all forms and not everyone has access or desire to getting letters behind your name. If your voice has been marginalized and feel you can add substance to this conversation of class, race, culture and attachment, please contact us  – we can publish your written word, highlight your website, discuss your work, or potentially have you on as a guest.  We and our audience want to listen and learn. EVEN MORE Resources on class, culture and race: Parenting and Preschooler Attachment Among Low-income Urban African American Families  by Barnett et all https://div12.org/keeping-culture-in-mind-mentalizing-from-a-cross-cultural-perspective/ Is Attachment Theory Consistent with Aboriginal Parenting Realities? Raymond Neckowaya, Keith Brownlee, and Bruno Castellana https://fncaringsociety.com/sites/default/files/online-journal/vol3num2/Neckoway_Brownlee_Castellan_pp65.pdf APA Deep Poverty Initiative Challenge: https://www.apa.org/about/governance/president/deep-poverty-challenge Best Practices in Conceptualizing and Measuring Social Class in Psychological Research by Matthew A. Diemer, Rashmita S. Mistry, Martha E. Wadsworth, Irene Lopez, Faye Reimers http://www.irenelopezphd.com/uploads/1/0/1/4/10149037/best_practices_in_conceptualizing_and_measuring_social_class.pdf Unmasking race, class and culture in the psychoanalytic space Edited by Kate White, drawn from the John Bowlby Memorial Conference. Agishtein, P., & Brumbaugh, C. (2013). Cultural variation in adult attachment: The impact of ethnicity, collectivism, and country of origin. Journal of Social, Evolutionary, and Cultural Psychology, 7(4), 384-405. http://dx.doi.org/10.1037/h0099181 Multicultural implications for the applications of attachment theory by Brown et al. American Journal of Psychotherapy. https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu20-developing-racial-identity-with-guests-rudy-lucas-and-christine-schmidt/ Respect this perspective?  Please SHARE this episode, leave us a rating and review on your podcast player, and, SHARE this episode (yes repeated on purpose because word of mouth is the most powerful way to make an impact). Want to hear more about culture class race and attachment from us? Check out these episodes for more awesome perspectives and content!! https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu123_narratives_of_fear/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu124-hip-hop-as-therapy-beat-making-lyrics-community-empowerment/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu109-this-is-resilience-in-action-with-guest-alphanso-appleton/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu20-developing-racial-identity-with-guests-rudy-lucas-and-christine-schmidt/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu85-attachment-in-the-classroom-with-guest-linno-rhodes/ Join our neuronerd community below, or just look for us on Facebook to get more cool free content!! 

In this episode, Sue Marriott, a licensed clinical social worker and certified group psychotherapist, brings a unique perspective on attachment through the tale of Felicity, an awkward goose. She explores how Felicity's journey from isolation to connection mirrors our own struggles with relationships. Highlights include the hope for change regardless of one’s attachment history and valuable insights on overcoming interpersonal avoidance. It's a heartwarming reminder that connection is possible for all.

The Intersection of Narcissism & Abandonment. Four bricks to a narcissistic relations: Fear, Hope, Guilt and Lack of Knowledge. Is narcissism related more to preoccupation or a dismissing state of mind regarding attachment?  You may be surprised.  Learn more about the science of narcissism, abandonment and it’s relationship to attachment theory. Dr. Durvasula shares her deep study into these dynamics and her experience-based wisdom on working with those struggling with it as well as those in relationship to those who have high narcissistic tendencies. If you enjoyed our podcast series Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities, then you are gonna love this episode – it only deepens and expands on the ideas presented there.  See #6 of our 6 part series on Holding Your Own in Challenging Relationships. Dr. Ramani Durvasula joins co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP for a discussion on breaking down narcissism and abandonment.  Sue found Dr. Ramani accidentally in a video she stumbled upon where she was a consultant to Will Smith in The Red Table Talk Takeover.   The video was about responsibly confronting a difficult relationship.  She is an excellent clinician that brought professionalism and deeper insight into a high-impact Hollywood story such that helps the public appreciate mentalization and the skills involved in managing difficult relationships. There are presentations of narcissism that are post-traumatic, but there is also narcissism that comes from over-indulgence.  Cringe… both neglect and too much attention?  Don’t worry, we will explain how to hit the right note here. Who is Dr. Ramani? The focus of Dr. Ramani Durvasula’s clinical, academic and consultative work is the etiology and impact of narcissism and high-conflict, entitled, antagonistic personality styles on human relationships, mental health, and societal expectations.  She has spoken on these issues to clinicians, educators and researchers around the world. Her work has been featured at SXSW, TEDx, and on a wide range of media platforms including Red Table Talk, the Today Show, Oxygen, Investigation Discovery, Bravo, and she is a featured expert on the digital media mental health platform Med Circle. To be clear, Dr. Durvasula’s is not just psychologist for Hollywood.  Her research on personality disorders has been funded by the National Institutes of Health and she is a Consulting Editor of the scientific journal Behavioral Medicine. Dr. Durvasula has also been a participant in the governance of the American Psychological Association, and most recently as the Chair of the STAY-MHSAS Training Advisory Committee of the Minority Fellowship Program. Most attractive to our audience, who let’s say … values authenticity, is that she has been described as “brutally honest” when it comes to calling out incivility and selfishness in relationship. If narcissists are so confident why are they afraid of abandonment? Trust us – it’s a driving force. Episode details on narcissism and abandonment: Dismissing states of mind and preoccupation in relationship to attachment and self-centeredness. How narcissists mirror rather than empathize and why that matters so much.  (This is a good way to discern what you are dealing with and to check yourself.) Four main bricks of a narcissistic relationship. The 90 / 10 rule in narcissistic relationships, a great Dr. Ramani idea and suggestion! Self-awareness in relationships – how to cultivate self versus other focus. If you are the one with narcissistic tendencies – thanks for digging into this, that is very cool!  What to do.  (Remember to also check out Therapist Uncensored series on Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities, referenced above.) Healthy narcissism. Diagnosis concerns & personality disorders. Core behaviors of those with high narcissism. Help for those in relationship with those highly involved with themselves. 🙂 How the educational systems can foster narcissism. We spend 90% of our time on difficult people, leaving only 10% for the good ones. Switch the math! Resources: https://openpsychometrics.org/tests/NPI/ https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/guide-better-relationships/201908/insecurity-narcissism-and-the-culture-victimhood “Don’t You Know Who I Am”: How to Stay Sane in the Era of Narcissism, Entitlement and Incivility. Should I Stay or Should I Go:  Surviving a Relationship With a Narcissist, http://doctor-ramani.com/contact/ Her series with Jada Pinkett Smith & family on the Red Table Talk series – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aHHWgG7dB6A   Haven’t gotten enough of learning about challenging people? https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu111-navigating-narcissistic-relationships-gaslighting-manipulation-and-grandiosity-called-out/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu105-narcissism-what-is-going-on-under-the-defense-with-sue-marriott-and-ann-kelley/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu13-our-powerful-fascination-with-narcissism-in-the-era-of-trump/ Tweet

The Essence of Trauma-informed Therapy & Trauma-informed Parenting Harness the power of neuroscience. For parents and for therapists treating children and adults – learn more about the science of trauma and what heals. We are human, and we do have trauma, but maybe we need to look at being focused on relationships, connection, and curiosity about why this is happening. This discussion looks at how the connection is a biological imperative, and we’re always working towards building a relationship. Therapist Robyn Gobbel, LCSW joins co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP for a discussion on breaking down the hardest parts of relationships and parenting. Robyn’s shares insights into the essence of trauma-informed therapy. She has developed online communities, as well as a podcast, all about helping parents who are dealing with these specific issues in practical application. We hope that her creative solutions will help you. Trauma-informed parenting is about connection. We need to focus on what it means to be human Who is Robyn Gobbel? Robyn Gobbel, MSW, RPT-S, loves coffee, P!NK, and everything about the brain. Once (recently!) her teenager went ballistic on her for getting ANOTHER (glitter!) coffee mug in the mail. Robyn loves cultivating deep, resonant connections with anyone who is up for it, as well as teaching anyone who will listen to harness the power of neuroscience so they can cultivate deep, resonant connections. What would change in the world if we could all do that? To see, be with, feel, and deeply know each other…and ourselves. Robyn thinks everything could change. Conversation includes resources on trauma-informed therapy and trauma-informed parenting: Changing how to provide mental health care to families. The importance of regulation AND connection. Working on a book about personal trauma healing The importance of understanding the relational neurobiology of being human. The importance of community for parents dealing with dysregulation and behavioral issues. Reducing the shame factor in much of trauma-informed therapy. Treatment of trauma-based behavioral issues. Virtual online clubs for parents who are struggling. Regulated, connected kids feel safe. Connected parents regulate by parenting in a way that feels “right”, not by following a technique. Resources on therapy and parenting kids with trauma: Robyn has free resources on her website https://icowellness.com/ Why do I get so dysregulated?  Check out Robyn’s podcast Online Club for Parents Haven’t gotten enough? https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu27-raising-secure-children-with-guest-tina-payne-bryson/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu53-complex-trauma-and-managing-dysregulation-with-guest-robyn-gobbel/ Tweet

Attachment Through the Lifespan – Leading attachment researcher Dr. Alan Sroufe shares the summary of his (and his team in Minnesota) decades of research looking at attachment though life. They followed individuals from birth through infancy and toddlerhood, to school age, adolescence, early adulthood and now parenthood.  This is important because it helps us understand the essence of what attachment is measuring, and how to cultivate security no matter what age you are or what background you come from. Dr. Sroufe is an internationally recognized expert on early attachment relationships, emotional development, and developmental psychopathology and has published seven books and 140 articles on these and related topics! —- Attachment through the lifespan – learn the science behind the longest study ever conducted on attachment Dr. Alan Sroufe’s new book summarizes decades of attachment research – A Compelling Idea, How We Become the Person’s We Are (2020).  It’s part memoire, part history of attachment science – and it’s great for our audience because it brings the findings of this ground-breaking longitudinal research on how we become ourselves in one succinct place. The Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation began in the early 1970s, initiated by Byron Egeland as a study of a large cohort of mothers living in poverty. In the 1970s and early 1980s, empirical attachment research had been primarily pursued by Ainsworth and her students. The research group led by Alan Sroufe and Egeland was important in providing a second pillar to hold up the paradigm from the 1970s to the present. The Strange Situation was conducted with the sample by Sroufe and his graduate students Everett Waters and Brian Vaughn. Early work by the research group documented the role of caregiving in shaping patterns of attachment in the Strange Situation, and also the capacity of infant attachment patterns to predict later social competence and mental health. Sroufe and Egeland created an ‘electric atmosphere’ in their research group, as they provided the first longitudinal evidence of the implications of attachment relationships.1 Students described their ‘imperturbable optimism’, ‘wisdom about human nature’, and ‘compassion’ as important qualities in the creation of the atmosphere, along with the sense of contributing to meaningful and cutting-edge developmental science.2 They were a great stabilizing and integrative presence for the field of attachment research. Though Egeland and Sroufe have now retired, research with the Minnesota Longitudinal Study of Risk and Adaptation has continued. Other episodes you may enjoy:  Ep 117 with Dr. Bruce Perry discussing trauma and resilience  Co-host Sue Marriott LCSW, CGP and Dr. Sroufe discuss his reflections – both personal and professional. It is rare to get to sit at the hearth with such an important contributor to the field but you get just that – we encourage you to get the book, sit back and listen to the podcast and learn from the very source. Dr. Sroufe is Professor Emeritus of Child Psychology in the Institute of Child Development at the University of Minnesota and he has been an Associate Editor of Developmental Psychology and Development and Psychopathology.  His awards include the Distinguished Scientific Contribution Award from the Society for Research in Child Development, the Bowlby Ainsworth Award for Contributions to Attachment Research, the G. Stanley Hall Award for Distinguished Scientific Contribution to Developmental Psychology from Division 7 of the American Psychology Association, an Honorary Doctorate Degree from the University of Leiden, and the Distinguished Teaching Award from the College of Education, University of Minnesota. Conversation includes: Guiding question behind Sroufe’s ongoing 1974 study Why is change difficult? Negative expectations can result in off-putting behavior Chronic early stress and early predictors Positive relationships with teachers reported for those with secure attachment backgrounds The importance of a supportive relationship as a predictor Those with secure history who experience bad times don’t lose their secure history “Earned” secure attachment and its neurological intricacies Importance of being able to turn to someone, giving and receiving support, legacies of attachment   Resources: A Compelling Idea, How We Become the Person’s We Are (2020) by Alan Sroufe The Development of the Person The Minnesota Study of Risk and Adaptation from Birth Through Adulthood by Dr. Alan Sroufe et al. Hey neuronerds wanting to know more – here is a great link to a PDF summarizing the study and is well worth the read – Minnesota longitudinal study of risk and adaptation – chapter 4   To reach Dr. Sroufe Dr. Sroufe’s CV Lessons from the Minnesota Longitudinal Study Clinical Application of the Adult Attachment Interview Edited by H. Steele & M. Steele Haven’t gotten enough of attachment through the lifespan?  We have you covered, please hear Sue Marriott’s conversation with him from a few years ago – episode 56 click below. https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu56-how-we-come-to-define-ourselves-attachment-research-over-decades-with-guest-alan-sroufe/ Tweet

Learn more about your relationships no matter what, but if you happen to be a therapist,  dig into learning more about couples in therapy. Every couple has its ups and downs, but it’s easy to think that your relationship is uniquely challenging. Experts in couples therapy and a couple themselves, Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson join co-host Sue Marriott to discuss what most people get wrong about working with couples, and how to help get it right. Together, they’ll dive into the dos and don’ts of couples therapy, from the perspective of the therapist and the patient. Who are Ellyn Bader and Peter Pearson? Dr. Ellyn Bader is considered by many to be the preeminent expert in couples therapy training. Together with her husband, Dr. Peter Pearson, they created the Developmental Model of Couples Therapy, and literally wrote the book on marital therapy.   Peter Pearson, Ph.D., and his wife, Dr. Ellyn Bader, founded The Couples Institute in 1984. Both have now helped literally thousands of couples in their work. Pete and Ellyn have been featured in over 50 radio and television programs including The Today Show, Good Morning America, and CBS Early Morning News. They have appeared on NPR and been quoted in publications including The New York Times, Oprah Magazine, Business Insider, Redbook, and Cosmopolitan. Their popular book, Tell Me No Lies, and In Quest of a Mythical Mate has been of critical help to many couples. What’s the point of couples therapy? The Holy Grail of couples work is really just trying to help couples differentiate together, instead of just individuating on their own. What do we mean by that? Put simply, tensions and difference doesn’t have to be scary and separate, but can instead be exciting. Most fights are, at their core, power struggles. It’s often framed as “I want you to change to accommodate me” and vice versa. To grow and change, they need to shift their focus away from winners and losers, but instead towards the WE. The key to couples getting there, is helping each person really own their own stuff. Importantly, can we take responsibility without shame for our own role in each conflict. What generates change in relationships? There are three things that really get couples to change their behavior Desperation or crisis – whether it’s a medical emergency or a natural disaster, having an external purpose or focus can generate really quick and in depth communication Negotiation – often the most common thing we try and do as couples, “I’ll change X if you change Y” is often the shortest lived and also hardest to make stick Inspiration – is there something compelling enough or exciting enough about the future to inspire a change What role do therapist play? There’s no substitute for having years of experience as a couples therapist. Specifically, if you’re looking for a new couples therapist, make sure to interview them and really find a place and a person that will be right for you. It’s also important to remember that the therapist isn’t there to take anyone’s side. Again, couples therapy is about finding and holding your own accountability. You need to be prepared to do the work on your own side to make your relationship grown and expand. You might also enjoy: https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/tu121-the-purpose-of-relationships-redefined-during-quarantine-with-stan-tatkin/ https://therapistuncensored.com/episodes/holding-your-own1-messy-but-secure-relating/ RESOURCES: Ellyn and Peter’s website contains all kinds of interactive materials and blogs. A must see! https://www.couplesinstitutetraining.com/   Need CEU’s??  We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan  GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps. Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at http://www.patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month.   Join us now. Now offering reading/study groups exclusively for our patrons.  

Dive into hook up culture, locker room talk, and the modern shifts in youth sexual behavior and health. Peggy Orenstein, NYT best-selling author, unpacks her new book “Boys and Sex” with co-host Ann Kelley. In this peak behind the curtain of the experience of young male sexuality, we’ll see how boys struggle with the conflicting needs of the conquest narrative of sex and their own internal understanding of pleasure and vulnerability. Her book was written about both cis and trans men, and covers the whole spectrum of sexual orientations, backgrounds, and experiences. Who is Peggy Orenstein? New York Times Bestselling Author of “Boys and Sex” and “Girls and Sex” Named one of the “40 women who changed the media business in the past 40 years” by The Columbia Journalism Review Her TED Talk, “What Young Women Believe About Their Own Sexual Pleasure,” has been viewed over 4.9 million times Frequent writer and contributor for The New York Times, NPR, Good Morning America, and many other talk shows What’s to learn? Through her research and conversations with young men Orenstein learned two major things That boys are ready and willing to have honest, blunt, and insightful dialogues about their sexuality and the way they understand sex That nobody really asked them about it before, that adults weren’t talking to them about what a full healthy sexuality looks like The recognition of emotional and physical vulnerability in sex allows us to discover something deeply personal about ourselves, and young men and boys are often intentionally cut off from those feelings and experiences. Both through societal norms and expectations as well as pornography. What can we do to help change the culture around sex? Sex discussions should include more than just consent, according to Shafia Zaloom in “Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between.” Sex should be legal, ethical, and good. To help achieve that in the next generation, Orenstein outlines at the end of her book a set of the kinds of conversations you can have with your children to promote connection, compassion, and empathy in their sex lives. Some other recommendations Orenstein has for how to shift “locker room culture” Coaches can bring in programming on sexual health and behavior Friends taking friends aside, away from the large group, and have one on one talks about their behavior Recognize that it will be a challenge but know that it isn’t impossible RESOURCES: Additional resources for this episode: “Boys and Sex: Young Men on Hookups, Love, Porn, Consent, and Navigating the New Masculinity” by Peggy Orenstein “Girls and Sex: Navigating the Complicated New Landscape” by Peggy Orenstein “Sex, Teens, and Everything in Between: The New and Necessary Conversations Today’s Teenagers Need to Have About Consent, Sexual Harassment, Healthy Relationships, Love, and More” by Shafia Zaloom “Masks, No Kissing, and ‘a Little Kinky’: Dating and Sex in a Pandemic” by Tara Parker-Pope “Sex in the Time of Coronavirus” by Elizabeth Bernstein “American Hookup: The New Culture of Sex on Campus” by Lisa Wade Need CEU’s??  We’ve got you covered, use OURCLAN for 10% off – It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala – Advanced Course Connecting the Sciences of the Mind to Everyday Relationships FOUR hours of quality content and 3 CE’s available to professionals. Since you are this deep into our show notes, then you are indeed one of our peeps and thus invited to be part of our clan  GET 10% off this signature course by using code OURCLAN!  – To get more of this kind of in-depth discussion with quality content and real-world healing – join us on FB where you can find more of your peeps.  Want even more than that?  Join our Neuronerd Patreon community at patreon.com/therapistuncensored for as little as $5 per month.   Join us now.

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – take away’s from our series on staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with challenging personalities – DEDICATED TO OUR PATRONS!! Session 6 of 6 – What if it’s you that is the challenging one… and other take away’s on challenging personalities.  Let us help you change your internal security and grow secure functioning relationships.  This episode is dedicated our to our private community of Patron Neuronerds. Here is a smattering of some of our most special elves whom have been with us since the very beginning!!   They give from $1 to $25 per month and jumped in at the first chance to support us AND have stuck with us!!! THANK YOU TO Kathleen Geiger, Isaac Marsolek, Jacalyn Brecher, James Baker,Carys Adultman, Claire Holberton, Camille Scent, Kirill Eremenko, Sonya Richardson-Thomas, Ashley Cruz, Michael Hilgers, Becki Mendivil, Linno Rhodes, Lorie Ammon, Deb, Donna Woods, Pat Spencer, Jeffrey Benzick MD, Judy Kamara, Leanna, Bobbi Blain, Megan Smith, Tyra Butler, Amy Groessl, Theresa Tenney, Kathryn Antenbring, Sarah Lazarewicz, Julie Carbaugh, Sally Mounir, Anonymous … and so many many more who joined forces since that first moment.  You guys are our backbone. You can find more of our current Patrons here (we have almost 200)!  We thank Platinum and Gold Neuronerds on our website.   We don’t usually include our actual transcript but what the heck, we are gonna try it this time and see if it’s useful to anybody.   Unedited transcript of the show Episode notes – HYO Challenging Personalities: What if it’s you that is the difficult one?  How to change – Insecurity begets defensiveness – so anything we can do to lower our defenses, realize we most likely aren’t ACTUALLY under attack, and work towards safety inside ourselves and cultivating safety in our close others. Much of the episode is devoted to this topic, these show notes will focus on resources in general.  We mention being raised by difficult parents but that’s a big topic for another time so we put in some resources for ya down below. For EVERYBODY – we can all improve our listening skills: Listen and repeat it back so they other person says “yea, that’s right”  The trick here is not to assert your own agenda.  It’s not your turn, just listen. Ask questions to help them get their story out in full, or to get their pain out there so you can bear witness DON’T CORRECT or explain yourself yet. Validate where you can do so authentically – try to find even 1% of what they are saying where you can join the person talking.  It does NOT mean you agree with them.  This is ninja warrior stuff, it’s not easy and rookies get this WRONG. Comfort, soothe them.  Not just once.  Not angrily, TAKE THEM IN, bear witness and let them feel you with them.  Do this UNTIL you feel them release and soften.  Again, rookies stop short and then don’t get it when the listening doesn’t help. CAVA — Clarify, ask question, validate where you feel it true and if appropriate, apologize LUV –  Listen, Understand and Validate where you can authentically For EVERYONE – we bet we can all also improve our self-regulation skills RAIN Tara Brach Review, Reflect, Rewire Self compassion and Kristen Neff – see previous episode here. Ann and Sue give several personal examples of what this looks like and support you in knowing your own truth, claiming it and living your best life possible. Research/links on challenging traits  Voicing the Victims of Narcissistic Partners: A Qualitative Analysis of Responses to Narcissistic Injury and Self-Esteem Regulation Volume: 9 issue: 2, Article first published online: April 28, 2019; Issue published: April 1, 2019 Ava Valashjardi1, Kathy Charles1 1Edinburgh Napier University, UK This article is distributed under the terms of the Creative Commons Attribution 4.0 License (http://www.creativecommons.org/licenses/by/4.0/) which permits any use, reproduction and distribution of the work without further permission provided the original work is attributed as specified on the SAGE and Open Access pages (https://us.sagepub.com/en-us/nam/open-access-at-sage). Empathy and self-boundaries Judith Jordan PhD  PDF “Can narcissists be moved to show empathy?” 2014  Journal of Personality and Social Psychology Hatfield, E., Bensman, L., Thornton, P. D., & Rapson, R. (2014). New perspectives on emotional contagion: A review of classic and recent research on facial mimicry and contagion. Interpersonal: An International Journal of Personal Relations, 8, 159-179.   Resources – We packed these shownotes today with resources just for you!! Covert narcissism scale  Don’t believe online tests in general, but for fun you can see how you score on covert narcisissm. Psychcentral has personality quizzes – some are validated scales adapted for the internet some are more for fun, but none provide actual diagnosis for sure.  However, you may be interested in exploring these, if so enjoy! Get Me Out of Here by Rachel Reiland  This is an excellent book although it’s older, a first-hand account of the healing trajectory written by woman who identifies as borderline.  Fascinating and hopeful… recommended read esp for those doing deep work in therapy The Borderline Personality Disorder Workbook – self-help workbook by Daniel J Fox PhD Loving Someone with Borderline Personality Disorder: How to Keep Out-of-Control Emotions from Destroying Your Relationship Shari Y Manning PhD Borderline Personality Disorder: The hidden faces of BPD that you need to spot. How to manage out of control emotions before they destroy your relationship “How to make the narcissist in your life a little nicer” The Atlantic “How to manage a narcissist” Harvard Business Review – Focuses on workplace highly applicable to all The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family Being Raised by Difficult Parents: Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Linday Gibson PhD Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers  Karle McBride PhD Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents “How being raised by a narcissist damages your life and self-esteem ” Forbes Magazine,  Kathy Caprino Resources from malignant narcisissism episode: Friends – we know most of you aren’t in this situation but if you are we want to be a resource.  We can’t say if you should or shouldn’t leave – that’s a highly personal and seriously safety-dependent question.  However we can say that we believe you, you aren’t alone, and there is support once you get ready for that. United States:  Click the image to the left for help! Not in the US, no problem:  International lines for domestic violence help click here  Many areas have local resources so look for those as well.     Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People Jackson Macenzi Grindell et al Gaslighting: Recognize the Narcissist, Learn How to Spot Emotional Abuse, Protect Yourself and Heal From Malignant Narcissism (NPD) Aubrey Scrivelor Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself Shahida  Abrabi Traumatic Narcissism Daniel Shaw “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility Ramani Durvasula POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse Shahida Arabi  Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse Shannon Thomas LCSW Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair(2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently)   OK friends if you have found the bottom of these show notes then you are our people.  Find us on Facebook @austinshrinks and from there, join our free private discussion community. If that is not enough, consider purchasing our signature (4 hour!!) course and use “ourclan” to get a discount on enrollment.  It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala Advanced Course Connecting the Science of the Mind to the Amygdala  Finally, we invite you to join our patron Neuronerd community for some occasional bling and behind the scenes stuff, as well as helping to keep us Ad-Free!!! We are at almost 200 active and engaged patrons – help us get over the hump to 200, will ya? Without this super smart and active community we could not produce the way we do, could not get the science out to the world who would otherwise not even know it’s out there and most importantly to some — we would have to be running ads. (shriek!)  I am so bugged by the aggressive advertising on You Tube and many podcasts… we understand you gotta do it to sustain production but if we can sustain another way, then we are all for it!   We have a few straggler platforms where you may run into an ad, but once we get our patron community more robust we will be able to eliminate them all. Thanks for stopping by – we really appreciate you and hope this show provides even a tiny inspiration. xo  

Holding Your Own with Challenging Personalities – staying (or becoming) secure in relationship with those with the most severe sort of personality structure – malignant narcissism. Session 5 – Staying safe with those with high psychopathology or malignant narcissism Accusations are their confessions. In this episode learn why we elect, promote, excuse and love those with malignant narcissism and its tendencies. Sort out the other forms of self-involvement, psychopathology and anti-social traits from this dangerous personality structure. Sue & Ann finish out their series on Holding Your Own with Challenging Personality Traits – this is session 5 of 6. Find more here www.therapistuncensored.com Five Points from Malignant Narcissism: We all have elements of self-centeredness and narcissistic traits. However, when it becomes more engrained into our personality structure, that is where the problems can arise. Narcissism, at its core, involves a sense of entitlement, exploitation and extreme self-focus that loses touch with one’s ability to see the needs of others. Grandiose and covert narcissist can become so self-involved that they can completely dismiss others in extremely painful ways as discussed in our previous episodes. However, they generally continue to hold relationships in value. Their primary difficulty lies in the tendency to idealize and devalue, which often leads to feeling misunderstood and mistreated. Thus, they can lack guilt because they often see themselves as right or the victim to injustice. However, when they do discover that they have wronged someone, they can feel significant guilt and shame. In malignant Narcissism, there is a general void of guilt and shame. Instead, there is a combination of antisocial traits, paranoia and vindictiveness that often leads to acting out in intentionally harmful ways. In Malignant narcissism the value placed on others is primarily based on utility – what others can do for them. The relational aspect is void. They do not have access to guilt of felt shame. This has been cut off. Malignant narcissist expects extremely loyalty at all costs. Loyalty to them, not to ideals.  If you are with me you are with me! If not, you are against me. This type of thinking leaves open rational for retaliation and extreme  vendictivness.  One way to know if our relationship, family, company or country is being run by a malignant narcissistic ruler, is to recognize that those under them are in a constant state of fear and threat of the disloyal “other”.   In many countries across the world, including the US, we have found ourselves and our nervous system in a constant state of threat and fear. This divides us. The “other” is a source to mistrusted to be fought against.  One sign of a malignant narcissist is the cool and coldness with which they can seek revenge in a calculating manner. If you are in a relationship and you see signs that he/she justifies revenge for mistreatment, that is something to take not of, especially if this revenge is sought with a sense of pleasure at the suffering of the other. If in a relationship with someone that has malignant narcissism, there is little hope of change. The focus must be for you to protect yourself, seek support and safely get out of the relationship. They may use their sense of loyalty and disloyalty as a weapon to keep you in. Remember, loyalty should never involve fear of retribution.  As we finish out this series, we know you  now have a good understanding of some of the challenging styles to engage in relationship and we’ve saved the toughest for last.  In this episode we sort out the difference between self-centeredness, narcissism, anti-social personality and malignant narcissism. This series builds on itself so we recommend that you listen to the previous sessions first before jumping into this episode, but if that isn’t your cup of tea, then by all means, the episode will be solid on it’s own.  To start at the beginning & hear the previous episodes in the series click here: Session 1 (Messy but secure), Session 2 (grandiose narcissism), Session 3 (covert narcissism) or Session 4 (borderline traits)  Power dynamics in this form of narcissism  Difference between anti-social characteristics, psychopathy and malignant narcissism. Differentials between the types of narcissism – keys regarding how to discriminate between covert grandiose and malignant. Hallmarks – vindictiveness malice & cruelty Warning to therapists – empathy can be a sign of weakness not connection Intense initial courting may be a foreshadowing of control. What does shame and guilt have to do with how challenging personality traits show up? Projected relationality as the bridge to staying trapped Knowing your truth The biology of threat and induction to passively follow a “strong” leader  Resources – Hey friends – we know most of you aren’t in this situation but if you are we want to be a resource.  We can’t say if you should or shouldn’t leave – that’s a highly personal and seriously safety-dependent question.  However we can say that we believe you, you aren’t alone, and there is support once you get ready for that. United States:  Click the image to the left for help! Not in the US, no problem:  International lines for domestic violence help click here  Many areas have local resources so look for those as well.     Psychopath Free (Expanded Edition): Recovering from Emotionally Abusive Relationships With Narcissists, Sociopaths, and Other Toxic People Jackson Macenzi Grindell et al Gaslighting: Recognize the Narcissist, Learn How to Spot Emotional Abuse, Protect Yourself and Heal From Malignant Narcissism (NPD) Aubrey Scrivelor Becoming the Narcissist’s Nightmare: How to Devalue and Discard the Narcissist While Supplying Yourself Shahida  Abrabi Traumatic Narcissism Daniel Shaw “Don’t You Know Who I Am?”: How to Stay Sane in an Era of Narcissism, Entitlement, and Incivility Ramani Durvasula POWER: Surviving and Thriving After Narcissistic Abuse: A Collection of Essays on Malignant Narcissism and Recovery from Emotional Abuse Shahida Arabi  Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Linday Gibson PhD The Wizard of Oz and Other Narcissists: Coping with the One-Way Relationship in Work, Love, and Family Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers  Karle McBride PhD Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents: How to Heal from Distant, Rejecting, or Self-Involved Parents Healing from Hidden Abuse: A Journey Through the Stages of Recovery from Psychological Abuse Shannon Thomas LCSW Attachment Disturbances in Adults Comprehensive Treatment & Repair(2016) Dan Brown and David Elliott (This is Sue’s favorite textbook on attachment currently) OK friends if you have found the bottom of these show notes then you are our people.  Find us on Facebook @austinshrinks and from there, join for free our discussion community. If that is not enough, consider purchasing our signature (4 hour!!) course and use “ourclan” to get a discount on enrollment.  It’s Not Me It’s My Amygdala Advanced Course Connecting the Science of the Mind to the Amygdala  Finally, we invite you to join our patron Neuronerd community for some occasional bling and behind the scenes stuff, as well as helping to keep us Ad-Free!!!   Thanks for stopping by – we really appreciate you and hope this show provides even a tiny inspiration. xo