Empowered Relationship Podcast: Your Relationship Resource And Guide

In episode ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard?, I discussed why vulnerability is a difficult skill to develop. I talked about how vulnerability is a deceptively powerful ingredient within an intimate connection. I described some of the ways we get stuck and fight against being vulnerable. If you missed it, you can check it out here. HOW ARE YOU WITH BEING VULNERABILITY? Do you let your partner in? Do you let them see your inner world…your weaknesses, your insecurities, your dreams, your longing? Do you let them feel you…feel your emotion? Or do you hold it all together? Do you keep walls up? Do you avoid the opportunity for connection because you are afraid to reveal too much? Do you set aside your hurt, so that it cannot be seen? Do you hide your innermost thoughts, feelings, and wishes in fear that they might be rejected? DEFINING VULNERABILITY Most of us have been bombarded with messages about being independent, capable, and strong. We expect to be able to solve all of our own problems and be self-sufficient. And asking for help and support can often bring up deep feelings of shame because we believe we should be able to handle everything. Take a moment, when you think of being "vulnerable," what comes up for you? What is the first thing you think of? Being "weak." "helpless." "open." "unprotected." When it comes to relationship, paradoxically vulnerability is a huge strength. In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young, she writes "Without vulnerability, relationships struggle. Vulnerability is, 'Here I am – my frayed edges, my secrets, my fears, my affection. Be careful – they're precious.' In return, it invites, 'Oh, I see you there. It's okay, you're safe. And here – here's me.' It builds trust, closeness and a sense of belonging. Relationships won't thrive without it. Vulnerability is openness to experiences, people and uncertainty. It's terrifying at times, and brave always." Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear stories, explanations, and examples. HOW TO DEVELOP THE STRENGTH TO BE VULNERABLE 1. REDEFINE VULNERABILITY. Brené Brown, a professor and vulnerability researcher at the University of Houston has done a lot to bring the importance of vulnerability to mainstream awareness. If you haven't seen her TED talks, I encourage you to check them out: The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) Listening To Shame (TED Talk) In Brené Brown's best selling book "Daring Greatly," she defines vulnerability "as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure." Vulnerability is like the feeling we get when we take a risk, step out of our comfort zone, and the outcome is uncertain (story). Brené Brown teaches us that while doing something new may feel uncomfortable, it also opens us up to new opportunities. Conversely, turning away from the discomfort and challenge, can perpetuate feelings of loneliness, disconnection, and dissatisfaction. 2. LEARN TO ACCEPT SOME LEVEL OF DISCOMFORT AND UNCERTAINTY. Discomfort is natural and is a part of the process. It is okay to be nervous. It is okay to feel scared. Nothing is wrong. "Vulnerability is the core, the heart, the center of meaningful human experiences," Brené Brown When we do not accept our discomfort, we are likely to feel some level of shame or self-rejection. 3. GET CONNECTED WITH WHAT IS TRUE FOR YOU. Check-in with yourself. Drop into a deeper place of feeling. Connect with what is real. Be honest. Be willing to feel. Ask yourself: What am I feeling? Ask yourself: What do I need and what do I want? (story) Feel your heart. Love your vulnerability and authenticity. Have your own back. Ignoring or sweeping emotions under the rug doesn't make the vulnerability go away. Vulnerability allows you to authentically express and it allows you to open your heart. Plus, the more you can connect with what is real for you, the easier it will be to share with someone else. 4. SET YOURSELF UP FOR SUCCESS. Choose: An appropriate time and place: share with someone when they have the time and space to give you their attention and focus (not when they are running late and rushing out of the door). With whom to share: share with someone in your trusted inner circle. An Intimate partner. Best friend. Close family member (as you build strength, you may be able to be more transparent with people in general). To what level your want to share: practice revealing at different levels (you may want to share everything with your partner and just the abbreviated version with a family member). To be intentional about your sharing. Make space for heartfelt connection. Treat your vulnerability as a special gift. "What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful." – Brené Brown MENTIONED: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast) ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? (podcast) Daring Greatly: How the Courage to Be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent, and Lead (Book) The Power Of Vulnerability (TED Talk) Listening To Shame (TED Talk) Brené Brown (website) Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) Photo by Matthew Kane on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 114: : How To Develop The Strength Of Vulnerability [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST PAUL COLAIANNI: Paul Colaianni is host of The Overwhelmed Brain podcast and author of the book: The Overwhelmed Brain: Personal Growth for Critical Thinkers. He helps people all over the world become empowered so that they can make decisions that are right for them. He currently lives in Atlanta, Georgia. In this episode, Paul talks with us about the damage of manipulation and emotionally abusive relationships. He offers signs and symptoms to help identify a toxic relationship. He also gives us two important keys in helping transform emotional abusive relationships. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) IMPORTANT POINTS FROM PAUL COLAIANNI: Toxic relationship are when you feel bad more often than not. "One of the main functions of an emotional manipulator is to get what they want, the way they want it by controlling people in the environment." Paul Colaianni Components of Emotionally Abuse Relationship: Your partner is in control. You often feel like you are tagging along. Your partner makes you feel bad about yourself, and you mistrust yourself. You believe your partner is the only person that you can trust. You believe your partner is the only person that will show you love, and there is no one else that will love you. Manipulators usually have a really old fear that is driving their manipulative behavior. SIGNS AND SYMPTOMS OF MANIPULATION AND EMOTIONAL ABUSIVE IN RELATIONSHIPS, BY PAUL COLAIANNI: Each item alone does not indicate a toxic or abusive relationship. Emotional abuse tends to happen over a period of time. To get a more comprehensive assessment, check out the MEAN worksheet by Paul Colaianni. Here are a just few items that Paul shared with us: "During and after a conversation with your partner, you can often feel (embarrassed, ashamed, guilty, anxious, angry, uneasy, and especially feeling like you are blamed or responsible for what is wrong in the relationship). Before you met your partner, you felt pretty good about yourself. Everything in the relationship seems so complex. You allow your boundaries or your values to be violated. You feel bad honoring your boundaries. You are always trying to find ways to make your partner happy, even at the cost of your own happiness. You apologize a lot. Your partner talks and talks and talks and talks. You don't know where your passion for life is. You dread losing the relationship, even though you are mostly unhappy. You feel like you are going crazy. You feel guilty almost all the time. You believe you are not worthy or lovable." TWO KEYS TO CREATE CHANGE: If you are the victim: Start trusting yourself and make a decision about what you are going to do about your situation. Trust your decision. If you are the manipulator: Put your focus on yourself. Take absolute accountability for your experience. MENTIONED: The Overwhelmed Brain (Paul Colaianni's website) Manipulation and Emotional Abuse Worksheet (link to Paul Colaianni's MEAN Worksheet) Are You With a Manipulative Person? – Indecision and Regret (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) Are You Being Manipulated? (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) Identifying Your Sense of Self – Overcoming the Guilt of Leaving the Emotional Abuser – Diminishing Emotional Triggers (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) Transforming the Emotionally Abusive Relationship (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) The Meaning of Communication – Guilt by Manipulation – Obsessing Over the Ex (The Overwhelmed Brain Podcast Episode) The Manipulative Man: Identify His Behavior, Counter the Abuse, Regain Control, by Dorothy McCoy (book) The Verbally Abusive Relationship, Expanded Third Edition: How to recognize it and how to respond, by Patricia Evans (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 113: How To Identify Manipulative & Emotionally Abusive Relationships with Paul Colaianni [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Over the last couple of weeks, I have been discussing the challenge of maintaining closeness and intimacy with your partner, as well as maintaining your sense of self in a long-term commitment, love relationship. In last week's episode, I talked about how to seek validation and intimacy within your relationship. I offered 4 keys to doing this successfully: safety, ownership, vulnerability, and transparency. RELATIONSHIP SECURITY AND INDIVIDUAL AUTHENTICITY WORKING TOGETHER Within an intimate relationship, we often feel the constant tension between upholding the harmony and security of the bond as well as staying honest and real about our individual desires and preferences. Both relationship security and individual authenticity are important. While they feel conflicting, they actually work together supporting the development of both. Having a more secure base, provides a safer foundation to launch from (explore and take risks). Opening up more and revealing what is true and real with a loved one (within a safe container), creates intimacy, connection, and safety. Please check out episode ERP 110 and ERP 111 out to learn more. In an article titled, Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, Leon F Seltzer Ph.D. writes "Unfortunately, in many instances we simply can't feel secure enough with our partner to approach anything we sense could endanger this bond. And so our "security" (such as it is) is really shallow and tenuous; untested. We're just not willing—courageously—to risk feeling refused or rejected in the effort to move toward a more genuinely secure relationship:" VULNERABILITY – "A DIAMOND IN THE ROUGH" Why is vulnerability so hard? We want to feel strong. We want to be loved and accepted. We want to feel competent and able. We want to feel empowered and that we can overcome obstacles. We value achievement, perseverance, and resiliency. We say things like "Don't wallow." "Don't be a victim." "Don't let your circumstances define you." Given the appropriate context, I agree with the sentiments of these statements. But have we gone too far? Do we attempt to bypass pain to exercise strength and resilience? Of course, we would all probably prefer to not feel pain. However, have we truncated or cut off the process entirely? Sure, we do not want to get stuck in a deep hole or downward spiral for months and months. But when do we get the chance to feel? Feel what is real? In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes"Somewhere along the way, the need to protect ourselves from being vulnerable has trumped the need to connect. I understand that. Few things hurt as deeply and completely as the heartache that comes from relationships. But heartache and uncertainty is part of being human and it's avoidance is getting in our way. In response to this, we've stopped allowing ourselves to be vulnerable. We've toughened up. We've turned vulnerability into a weakness and guardedness into a strength" VULNERABILITY CREATES AN OPENING. Dr. Brené Brown, a renowned expert on vulnerability, has been doing a lot to help us redefine vulnerability. Through her research, she has found the value of vulnerability. In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young, writes "Vulnerability is the driving force of connection. It's brave. It's tender. It's impossible to connect without it. But we've turned it into a weakness. We've made ourselves 'strong'. We've toughened up, hardened up and protected ourselves from being hurt. We've protected ourselves from vulnerability and disallowed the surrender. Here's the problem. When we close down our vulnerability we are shielded from hurt, but we are also shielded from love, intimacy and connection. They come to us through the same door. When we close it to one, we close it to all." Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear my story, explanations, and examples. WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABILITY SO HARD?: Pain is too much: Overwhelming. Annihilating. Can't deal. Isn't within our awareness. What we say, feel, believe about ourselves: Shame: "I failed." Insecure: "Nobody really cares about me." Unworthy: "I don't feel good enough." "If I was smarter, more success, more attractive, than I would be worthy." Unloveable: "I am toxic. I am deficient." Inadequate: "I am not good at relationship" We fear our partner's response: Rejection: "You don't know what you are talking about." "I don't feel the same way about you." Criticism: "You are too needy." "That is ridiculous. You are just being selfish." Abandonment: "I don't care how you feel or what you think." "Your partner shakes their head and turns away from you." Attacked: "Stop being childish." "In response, to your sharing a sexual desire, that's perverted" Betrayal: "I don't need you." "I don't want you anymore." (uncared for, dismissed, or even humiliated) Previous hurt, pain, and/or trauma (old feelings) WHAT MAKES BEING VULNERABLE EVEN HARDER? Our attempts to protect: Afraid of upsetting the "perceived relationship harmony" (rocking the boat). Fear of upsetting partner. Fear of upsetting the relationship flow and dynamic. Don't feel safe. Avoidance. It is natural and understandable to want to avoid feeling pain and to try to prevent pain from happening. We are wired up to protect ourselves. In the article, Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here's Why It's So Worth by Katherine Schrehber, she writes "We've all struggled to open up to others at some point in our lives, says Jeffry Simpson, Ph.D., a social psychologist and professor of psychology at the University of Minnesota. If you've ever balked at the mere thought of getting close to someone new, rest assured: That's normal. It's instinctual and natural to avoid situations where we might get injured, he explains, even if that injury is "only" psychological." ACCEPT INSTEAD OF FIGHT AGAINST PAIN Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger writes "Pain can be almost impossible to bear, but suffering is even more difficult. When you refuse to accept pain, you will suffer. Fighting reality, opposing the inevitable or struggling against what is – causes suffering. SUFFERING = PAIN X NON-ACCEPTANCE OF THE PAIN" Brent Menninger also writes about 3 myths about acceptance: "1.If you don't accept something, it will magically change and you won't have to deal with it. 2. If you accept your painful situation, you will give in to it or it will take over your life. 3. If you accept your painful situation, you are accepting a life of pain without end. (Actually, with acceptance, you can move on to problem solving)." In Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, Karen Young writes 'Occasionally we get hurt. Relationship pain is an unavoidable part of being human. When it happens it can steal you. I know. But we can see this for what it is – a mismatch of people, a redirection, a learning, a happening – or we can take it as a warning and protect ourselves from the possibility of being hurt again. In this case, we make the decision to not be vulnerable. We shut it down. By shutting down to the risks of being vulnerable, we also shut down to the possibilities – the possibility of joy, intimacy, closeness, gratitude and connection." HOW DO YOU HANDLE BEING VULNERABLE? Self: Can you be with your own pain? Can you make space to see it and acknowledge it? Others: Are you willing to be seen… willing to reveal parts or yourself you are not sure will be accepted? MENTIONED: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship (podcast) ERP 111: Is it okay to want validation from My partner? (podcast) Courage in Relationships: Conquering Vulnerability and Fear, by Leon F Seltzer Ph.D (article) Brené Brown (website) Vulnerability the Key to Close Relationships, by Karen Young (article) Yes, Being Vulnerable Is Terrifying—But Here's Why It's So Worth by Katherine Schrehber (article) Radical Acceptance by Brent Menninger Photo by Jack Kaminski on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 112: What Makes Being Vulnerable So Hard? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In the Empowered Relationship Podcast episode 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship, I talked about we often get caught in the belief that being in relationship requires us to give over of ourselves in an attempt to seek relationship harmony. Yet, when we do this, we can lose touch with ourselves, our passion, and our desires. David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage talks about "Emotionally fused couples." He explains that they "are controlled by their connection. They have lost their ability to direct themselves and so get swept up in how people around them are feeling. There's room for only one opinion, one position, differentiation is the ability to stay in connection without being consumed by the other person. Our urge for togetherness and our capacity to care always drive us to seek connection, but true interdependence requires emotionally distinct people." In episode 110, I talked about the importance of holding priority for both needs…autonomy and intimacy in relationship. Yet, we typically do not have a model of how to grow ourselves (autonomy) while growing in relationship (intimacy). Intellectually, we may understand that both needs are important…the need for autonomy and the need for intimacy. But in practice, we struggle balancing these two seemly conflictual needs. Though, the struggle is part of our development. The process of growing, maturing, and evolving us. In episode 110, I also talked about two different approaches in the field of couples work. One is to help the individual become more differentiated. "Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage. Through the process of self validation "that's when you don't expect your partner to validate or accept what you disclose. You validate yourself as you show your partner who you really are." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage The other is to help couples create a more secure emotional connection, so that they can feel more trust, care, and safety within their partnership. This safety allows for more vulnerability and authentic sharing, which in turn creates more connection. The main difference between these approaches is the need for safety in the relationship dynamic. One approach focuses on self-soothing and self-validating, so that a partner can express himself/herself more authentically and vulnerability. This in turn cultivates more passion and connection. While the other approach focuses on creating safety between partners to allow for more vulnerable sharing, which in turn creates more intimacy and connection. Through my dissertation research, I speculated that it may be important to first create a solid, safe foundation in relationship to then take more risks of self-expression and self-validating. While these two approaches are different in their focus, they have several similar aspects. Let's address the desire to feel seen, understood and validated. We all want to feel accepted, loved, and valued for who we truly are. Yet, the path of seeking validation can be fraught with great difficulty. "We're driven by something that makes us look like we crave intimacy, but in fact we're after something else: we want someone else to make us feel acceptable and worthwhile….Once we realize that intimacy is not always soothing and often makes us feel insecure, it is clear why we back way from it." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage It may be important to note there is a subtle difference between the intention to seek intimacy verses to seek validation. Seeking validation is more about approval and okayness. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) IS IT OKAY TO WANT VALIDATION FROM YOUR PARTNER? If you do not know you are worthy and acceptable, it may be incredibly healing to have your partner remind you of your goodness. AND are you continuously relying on your partner's validation to source your self-esteem? Or are you doing your inner work to grow yourself? To answer the question "Is it okay to want validation from your partner?," it may be important to look at a few aspects within yourself first. These questions address HOW you are going about seeking validation and seeking intimacy: Are you wanting your partner to be responsible for your experience? ("You didn't agree with me. I feel small and inadequate. It is your fault that I feel insecure. Can you see how you made me feel low?") Or are you clear that you are seeking validation? ("I am feeling a lot of self-doubt. Can you help me? Would you be willing to point out some strengths that I might be overlooking about myself or the situation? (ownership) Are you willing to look at your discomfort and pain to have greater understanding of what your issue is about? Asking yourself what gets brought up in you in this situation, may help you see with is going on at the core. If you do not look within, you are likely going to miss a great opportunity to learn something powerful about yourself and you will probably project on your partner. And your partner will not have an opportunity to really be with you and connect with what is real within you. (vulnerability) Are you willing to let your partner really see you fully? Usually, we want our partner to look at what they did wrong to hurt or offend us. It is a much more vulnerable thing to look at why this is a tender spot for you or what insecurity it brings up in you, AND then to share it with your partner. (transparency) "Well-differentiated people can agree without feeling like they're "losing themselves," and can disagree without feeling alienated and embittered, They can stay connected with people who disagree with them and still "know who they are." They don't have to leave the situation to hold onto their sense of self." By David Schnarch in Passionate Marriage 4 KEYS TO SEEKING VALIDATION AND INTIMACY: 1. Safety 2. Ownership (Responsibility) 3. Vulnerability (authenticity) "Vulnerability here does not mean the act of being weak or submissive. To the contrary, it implies the courage to be yourself. It involves uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. And that is why it might seem scary." By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy 4. Transparency: "The truth is that when we allow ourselves to be completely open and vulnerable, we benefit, our relationships improve, and we may even become more attractive. "We are actually drawn to people who are real and down-to-earth," says Brown. "We love authenticity and we know that life is messy and imperfect." Why do we love children so much? Why are we drawn to people who act themselves? Because we feel an intrinsic comfort in the presence of authenticity. Moreover, someone who is real and vulnerable gives us the space and permission to be the same." By Emma Seppälä in Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy PRACTICE STEP: How can you would will one of the 4 Keys this week (safety, ownership, vulnerability, transparency? MENTIONED: Passionate Marriage (book) Brené Brown (website) Why Being Vulnerable Is The Key To Intimacy By Emma Seppälä What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) Photo by Zoran Zonde Stojanovski on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 111: Is It Okay To Want Validation From Your Partner? [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Do you aim to please your partner or do you aim to express yourself authentically? Do you give your partner what he/she wants immediately or do you advocate for your desires? With a sensitive topic, do you avoid stating what is real for you because you fear upsetting your partner? These questions address the continual challenge of negotiating our need for individuality (personal needs, desires, dreams) and our need for closeness in relationship (connection and intimacy). TWO CONFLICTING NEEDS: In relationship, we often feel as though we only two options; 1) go along with your partner's preferences 2) exert your preferences. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) AIMING TO PLEASE: When the priority is all about accommodating our partner, we can lose connection with ourselves. We may lose integrity with what is real individually. We may not express our authentic needs, desires, and preferences because we are afraid of: being rejected (being seen as "too much," "inappropriate," or "not okay.") looking silly or being embarrassed. conflict (i.e our partner not wanting what we want or not liking what we shared). upsetting our partner. feeling alone. feeling disconnected. feeling abandoned. With pleasing and prioritizing our partner, we can run into these challenges as well: When our partner is not happy with our attempts to please, we can feel hurt, misunderstood, and/or not good enough. Our partner can begin to expect us to give over freely and easily, and/or we can feel pressured too put our partner first (or that putting their needs first is "the right thing to do"). Our partner's happiness becomes a measure of our performance – or how well we are doing as a partner. This begins to feel like "If my partner is upset, I am not okay." or "If my partner is happy, we are good." FUSION FANTASY: Excerpt from Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch, about the concept of "fusion fantasy" (from page 56), which is "the fantasy of two (or more) bodies appearing to be controlled by a single mind – as of we've given up our separate identities and become part of a larger oneness." "Fusion fantasy" reminds me of the phenomenon "Groupthink." Google's definition of groupthink is: the practice of thinking or making decisions as a group in a way that discourages creativity or individual responsibility. "Groupthink is a psychological phenomenon that occurs within a group of people in which the desire for harmony or conformity in the group results in an irrational or dysfunctional decision-making outcome. Group members try to minimize conflict and reach a consensus decision without critical evaluation of alternative viewpoints by actively suppressing dissenting viewpoints, and by isolating themselves from outside influences." Wikipedia Partners who have been caught in the pattern of suppressing their individual or creative selves in relationship to avoid conflict will typically get to a point where they feel stuck, frustrated, and dissatisfied. Their relationship does not represent them and does not feel like what they expected or planned for. Culturally, we often get the message that if we find "the one" things will flow and be easy, as if this route of self-sacrifice leads to relationship bliss. However, this is not the case. In fact, continual self-sacrifice in relationship leads to many issues. "Fusion Fantasy" leads to: protecting the status quo, which gives the illusion of safety. staying in the comfort zone and being afraid to take risks. hiding and not sharing, revealing, and being vulnerable. loosing touch with self, and what is meaningful and important. a loss of excitement, passion, and intimacy within the relationship. stagnation and lack of growth and development personally and relationally. TAKING CARE OF THE RELATIONSHIP Attachment theory in adult romantic relationships helps us understand how important it is for partners to feel safe in their emotional connection. Partners need to feel that they can rely on, trust, and turn to each other for care. Partners need to know that their parents will have their back and be there for them. Couples need to feel that their emotional bond is secure and stable. In helping couples create more safety in their emotional connection, the process is not about getting the couple to have the same experience or getting them to be in unison. It is about creating a space space of each individual to reveal their deep, authentic experience more vulnerably to their partner. When this type of sharing occurs and our partner will more likely hear our experience without feeling blamed, shamed or responsible (as you are showing them what is going on for you rather than making it their fault or problem). In turn, our partner's genuine response will usually be empathic and an expression of desire to help (because they care and can see your pain). SAFETY & GROWTH In my dissertation, couples talked about the importance of commitment to have a safe foundation to grow from. They talked about how the commitment gave them a sense of comfort and security to take risks and explore more freely. Therefore, their commitments were more liberating rather than constraining. They felt the courage and safety to try new things and to be more vulnerable. TAKING CARE OF SELF "Differentiation is the process by which we become more uniquely ourselves by maintaining ourselves in relationship with those we love." Passionate Marriage, by David Schnarch (page 51) VALUE FOR BOTH: In relationship, we are faced with the task of balancing these two very important and essential needs…autonomy and intimacy. Many people talk about the benefit of balance, and it worth noting that balance is a very difficult state to achieve. We usually have moments of balance, but more often than not we are in a state of seeking balance. Interdependence – having value for both autonomy and intimacy. When a couple dances together in an expressive way, they can flow together, where both people are having fun and contributing to the movement. Both people are individually responsible for their balance and at times may choose to join or even lean on each other in a mutually consensual way. They may also choose to focus on their individual movement at times. All along, they are creating a larger dance together. MENTIONED: Passionate Marriage (book) What Does The Development Of Intimacy Look Like In Relationship? (article) "Groupthink" (Wikipedia) Photo by Boris Smokrovic on Unsplash TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 110: How To Manage Two Majorly Conflicting Needs In Relationship [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

In last week's podcast episode, titled "What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems," I talked about how couples tend to try and resolve their concerns through their partner. In a short video by Dr. John Gottman (renowned relationship expert and researcher), he talks about this dynamic. In Gottman's language, he separates couples from his research into two major groups: the "masters" and the "disasters." Masters are the couples that are still happily together after six years. Disasters are the couples that are unhappy and/or are not together anymore. When addressing an issue, masters are gentle in their approach with one another. Whereas, disasters tend to have the attitude of "diagnosing their partner's personality defects." Frequently, I talk about the importance of approaching a difficult conversation from a calm and caring place, in that it sets the conversation up for better communication. Couples will be more apt to listen and hear each other, and hence be a little more able to work towards a resolution together. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) WHAT IS GENTLENESS? Google's definition of gentleness: "the quality of being kind, tender, or mild-mannered." "softness of action or effect; lightness." WHY DO WE STRUGGLE WITH BEING GENTLE? We think being gentle is a gift or is for the benefit of our partner. We get angry and think our partner doesn't deserve our kindness. Sometimes, we may even want to punish our partner a little bit. We are not gentle because we are protesting something our partner is doing, in hopes they will hear our plea and come to the rescue. We feel offended, slighted as if our partner doesn't care and/or has hurt us purposely, We think our partner will not hear the severity of our concern if we are too gentle in our approach. When in fact, the opposite is true. When we come on strong, our partner is often too busy managing their stress levels of feeling attacked. This is largely an automatic and biological function. If your partner is feeling worried, scared, insecure, and overwhelmed, chances are they will be more focused on trying to protect themselves rather than listening to what you have to say. This prevents communication because partners are not feeling safe, secure, and at ease. WE REACT TO EACH OTHER'S NONVERBAL COMMUNICATION Couples can react to each other within a nanosecond. It doesn't take much…an eye roll…head nod…a sigh. The majority of communication is nonverbal. Here is an excerpt from this article How Does Nonverbal Communication Affect Relationships?: "Most of us remember cringing as children when our mothers gave us that look — the look that meant we were in deep trouble. She didn't have to say a word. And even if she did say a word — even if it was kind — you could probably still tell you were in trouble because the brain processes both verbal and nonverbal communication at the same time and notices when someone's words don't match their body language. A wealth of emotions can be conveyed with a look, a sigh, a smile or a tilt of the head. Nonverbal communication is not just something we do to show how we are feeling, but we also depend on our interpretations of it when we interact with each other. Indication of trouble or upset in the relationship. Nonverbal communication includes body language, tone of voice and facial expressions, all of which can be misinterpreted. When nonverbal cues are misinterpreted, it can create conflict in a relationship." WHEN BOTHERED BY YOUR PARTNER, ARE YOU GENTLE IN YOUR APPROACH? When are you not gentle with your partner? What hinders your ability to be gentle? "When I feel stressed (pressed for time, tired, hungry or overwhelmed)." "When I think my partner knows better, and they do not care." "When I feel scared or threatened." When are you able to be gentle? What helps? "When I feel good and strong." "When I feel in connected with my partner." "When I trust my partner cares, but just does not know what is going on for me." HOW TO CREATE MORE GENTLENESS: 1. One of the best ways to set your communication up for success is to start off soft with your approach. This comes from being in a calm state and caring about having a positive outcome. 2. Prioritize gentleness throughout the conversation. This requires you to manage your stress level. From Nonverbal Communication: "Stress compromises your ability to communicate. When you're stressed out, you're more likely to misread other people, send confusing or off-putting nonverbal signals, and lapse into unhealthy knee-jerk patterns of behavior. And remember: emotions are contagious. You being upset is very likely to make others upset, thus making a bad situation worse. If you're feeling overwhelmed by stress, it's best to take a time out. Take a moment to calm down before you jump back into the conversation. Once you've regained your emotional equilibrium, you'll be better equipped to deal with the situation in a positive way." 3. Give your partner the benefit of the doubt. Trust they care. Being willing to participate in creating a climate of goodwill. 4. Let them know what happens for you, rather than what they are doing wrong. Talk about your experience – reveal your thoughts, worries, fears, and emotions (listen to episode ERP 108 for more information). PRACTICE STEP: Ask yourself: When am I able to be gentle? What helps? When am I not gentle? What hinders? If you have an issue to bring up with your partner, try to practice these 4 steps. Let me know how it goes! MENTIONED: ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems (podcast episode) Nine Destructive Behaviors to Avoid During Relationship Conflict (article) A Step-by-Step Guide To Turn Any Argument Into Effective Communication (article) ERP 074: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship (podcast episode) ERP 075: How To Combat The Damage Of Stress In Your Relationship – Part Two (podcast episode) "Criticism" video with Dr. John Gottman (video) How Does Nonverbal Communication Affect Relationships? (article) Nonverbal Communication (article) East Beach Volleyball Academy (website) AVP (website) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 109: How Being Gentle With Your Partner Can Make a Big Difference [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

We look to solve our concerns through our partner. We spend our time trying to get our partner to see what THEY are doing wrong and get them to see our perspective. We think, "If I can just point it out to them in a way they can hear it…" "Or if I can give them a good enough example and illustrate my point, they will understand." We think if they understand, they will see the error of their ways and they will change their behavior. Attempts at this strategy usually never work. When we tell our partner what they are doing wrong, most often they will get defensive. They will feel hurt, attacked, or blamed. Many times couples go into therapy expecting or hoping that the therapist will help change their partner. One partner or both partners want the therapist to be a judge deeming a particular behavior as unacceptable and convince the offending partner to change. To hear how to shift out of this dynamic, please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript. You will hear explanations, stories and examples as well. Here are 4 steps to shift out of this challenging dynamic: 1. RECOGNIZE THE CUE (I.E. COMPLAINT OR ISSUE). 2. AS SOON AS YOU ARE ABLE, INQUIRE INTO WHAT IS GOING ON FOR YOU. "Hmm." "What is going on in me?" "What is wanting to be expressed?" 3. STAY WITH IT. Stay interested and curious in what is going on for you. 4. ALLOW NEW INSIGHT AND AWARENESS TO EMERGE (MAY HAPPEN IMMEDIATELY OR IT MAY HAPPEN OVER A FEW HOURS OR DAYS). MENTIONED: Conscious Loving: The Journey to Co-Commitment (Gay & Katie's book) The Hendricks Institute (Gay & Katie's website) ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation With Kathlyn Hendricks (podcast episode) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 108: What Most Couples Do That Creates Problems [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

GUEST STAN TATKIN: Dr. Stan Tatkin, PsyD, MFT, is a couple therapist known for his pioneering work in helping partners form happy, secure, and long-lasting relationships. His method—called PACT (Psychobiological Approach to Couple Therapy®)—draws on principles of neuroscience and teaches partners to become what he terms "secure-functioning." Together with his wife, Tracey Boldemann-Tatkin, PhD, Dr. Tatkin founded the PACT Institute to train psychotherapists and other professionals how to incorporate his method into their practices with couples. Therapists from all over the world are being trained in this breakthrough approach. Dr. Tatkin has a private practice in Calabasas, CA, and is an assistant professor at the UCLA David Geffen School of Medicine, Department of Family Medicine. He is the author of several books, including the bestselling WIRED FOR LOVE and WIRED FOR DATING published by New Harbinger. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) STAN TATKIN TALKED ABOUT: "Secure Functioning" is being in a relationship that is fully collaborative, fully mutual, and based on justice, fairness, and sensitivity. How a couple protects each other and how they handle stress together. Environmental threats may bring stress to the individuals and the couple, and helping couples regulate the stress through connection and relationship. Family culture – is relationship a priority? If relationship is not important and prioritized, than children often develop some level of insecure attachment. Cultural messages can be misleading and confusing (i.e. "Love yourself before you can love another.") Couples often lack purpose in their union…why they are together? What is their partnership all about? What are their shared values, agreements, and principles that keep them committed? People with insecure attachment styles tend to behave in ways that are good for the self, but are not good for the relationship. How our neurobiology impacts our perception and memory, which in turn impacts the way we perceive and experience our partners in relationship. Naturally, we tend to have a negativity bias. Prioritizing emotional attunement in relationship. The importance of having loyalty to the couple system that provides a foundation of security, safety, and sustenance for the couple to thrive. ***UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS*** I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!! MENTIONED: Stan Tatkin (website) PACT Institute (website) Wired for Love: How Understanding Your Partner's Brain and Attachment Style Can Help You Defuse Conflict and Build a Secure Relationship Wired for Dating: How Understanding Neurobiology and Attachment Style Can Help You Find Your Ideal Mate Relationships Are Hard, But Why? Stan Tatkin (Ted Talk) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 107: How To Prioritize Relationship With Stan Tatkin [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

Recently, a listener posed a question about how to handle attractions towards people outside their relationship. It is normal and healthy to be attracted to people, even to people outside your marriage or long-term relationship. It is what you do with the feelings of attraction that determines if the attraction is going to become constructive or destructive. When we try to hide, conceal, and deny feelings of attraction, we get ourselves into trouble. (Please listen to the podcast episode or read the transcript to hear more explanations, stories and examples.) 1. GIVE SPACE AND ACCEPTANCE FOR YOUR FEELINGS AND ATTRACTION. "Everything begins with a choice to face something or to avoid facing it. Facing is the choice that saves the most lives. Failure to face something is the choice that destroys the most lives. If you are not happy and creative, look first at what you are not facing in your life. When our lives are not working, there is always at least one thing we are not facing." Gay Hendricks in Conscious Living 2. ATTRACTION IS MORE ABOUT YOU THAN IT IS ABOUT ANYONE ELSE. 3. BRING AUTHENTICITY, WHAT IS ALIVE AND FRESH BACK TO THE RELATIONSHIP. 4. TALK ABOUT YOUR EXPERIENCE WITH YOUR PARTNER. Excerpt from Conscious Living a story about how Gay dealt with sexual attraction towards another woman. From page 90 in Conscious Living. ***UPCOMING PODCAST TOPICS*** I would love your input! Please let me know what topics interest you the most by filling out this very easy survey. Also, feel free to include other topics that you would like to hear episodes on. Thank you!!!!! I appreciate you!!!!! MENTIONED: ERP 104: How Can Infidelity Make Your Relationship Stronger? (podcast episode) ERP 105: How To Deal With Limerence In Relationship ERP 071: How To Use Sexual Energy To Improve Your Health & Relationship – With Sarina Stone (podcast episode) ERP 043: How To Transform Jealousy into Passion and Excitement (podcast episode) Conscious Living: Finding Joy in the Real World By Gay Hendricks (book) The Hendricks Institute (Gay's website) ERP 066: How to move out of criticism into love & appreciation With Kathlyn Hendricks (podcast episode) Intimacy & Desire By David Schnarch (book) TRANSCRIPT: Click on this link to access the transcript for this episode: ERP 106: What To Do When You Are Attracted To Someone Else [Transcript] If you have a topic you would like me to discuss, please contact me by clicking on the "Ask Dr. Jessica Higgins" button here. Thank you so much for your interest in improving your relationship. Also, I would so appreciate your honest rating and review. Please leave a review by clicking here. Thank you! If you are interested in developing new skills to overcome relationship challenges, please consider taking the Empowered Relationship Course or doing relationship coaching work with me.

What is limerence? Most people see limerence as infatuation, lovesickness or romantic love, while others think of it more as a love obsession or addiction. Limerence is the "I need you, want you, can't live without you" feeling. Limerence ...