Unashamed Unafraid

Steve and Rhyll Croshaw have an amazing story. Rhyll was going to school and was taking a marriage and family class, and for one of her assignments, she needed to set up a community program. After that class, Steve and Rhyll started to think about how to help people the same way they had been helped through their recovery from addiction and trauma.  Heavenly Father also needed them to set this up. He knew that there were several men and women who needed this style of Sexaholics Anonymous. He put an attorney in their pathway, and it just so happened that he specialized in setting up non-profit businesses. Right then and there Rhyll and Steve knew that SAL needed to happen. Steve and Rhyll put in the work and made SAL (SA Lifeline) a reality. They are truly grateful for the opportunity to be a part of something bigger than themselves. Rhyll talks about how SAL changed their lives. What they did not see as an unintended consequence was they have helped prevent their own grandchildren from going down this path. Rhyll talks about how her grandson said, “Grandpa, whenever I’m tempted, I’ll remember you.” Rhyll, then explained that she is so thankful that she married a valiant spirit.Steve talks about how people need to choose to open up, to have a willing heart, and to work together with Heavenly Father and others who may be able to help them. This is where the SAL program can come into play. SAL is completely anonymous. What is SAL? SAL is somewhere between the LDS 12-step program (ARP or Addiction Recovery Program) and SA (Sexaholics Anonymous). SA is extremely raw and they expect you to get a sponsor right away. There are a lot of raw stories that are told both from men and women. ARP is focused on Christ and they separate the men and women. A person can walk into an ARP meeting and leave without talking to a single person. SAL is between these two programs. SAL, expects you to have a sponsor and work the steps. Someone is there to help you through the steps. SAL requires more accountability than ARP and a lot less raw than SA. Some people say it is a perfect balance between the two.Because Steve and Rhyll were able to find the peace and healing that comes through recovery, they chose to share their story and successes with others. They listened to the promptings of a loving Heavenly Father and are doing great and extraordinary things. Through their struggles and recovery from sexual addiction, they have seen the beauty and love of Christ and Heavenly Father. We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful that people are admitting they need these resources. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from it, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid, we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

In their book “Love and War” John and Stasi Eldredge say, “For it is also in the heart of a man and a woman to share some sort of quest, to fight some great battle together.” This is the compelling story of Christian and Karens’ battle.Christian was first exposed to pornography in the form of magazines laying around the houses of his childhood friends. At first, it seemed innocent, even normal. Fast forward a few years into Christian and Karen’s marriage - Christian’s life is “hell”. He’s indulging in his addiction every day: viewing pornography, frequenting chat rooms, and indulging in extramarital affairs. Meanwhile, Karen instinctively feels that things are off but is completely unprepared for the bomb that’s about to drop.The more Christian indulged in his addiction, the more he pushed God aside. Leading up to the height of his addiction, he had served a mission in Guatemala and prayed occasionally but ultimately felt that it was hard to find God. He would feel close to God at times but would eventually revert back to needing a fix. Karen had always had faith in God, but felt that the deep connection with Him was lacking.Eventually, the crushing weight of guilt became unbearable and Christian began to confess his past mistakes to Karen. At first, he spotlighted only one of his affairs, but as he turned his heart to God he found the courage to make a full disclosure. At his rock bottom, Christian felt so much pain that he wondered whether or not life was worth living. This discovery absolutely destroyed Karen. In her darkest moments, she experienced anger, bitterness, loneliness, and betrayal.As Christian attended recovery meetings and worked the twelve steps, hope began to grow in his heart. Where he once would’ve described his relationship with God as “casual”, he now says that “God is everything”. He knows that God loves him in spite of his past mistakes. Where Karen once blamed herself and felt it was her responsibility to “fix” Christian, she now feels God’s hand sustaining them both in the recovery process.Christian and Karen continue to fight this battle together and have been changed for the better in the process. Their story is a testament that no one is ever too far gone and that God is always there supporting us whether or not we can feel it. 

You Can’t Talk About That SherryThe UU Crew receives a ton of questions about how to talk about the dreadful and often shameful word sex with our kids. Well, the age old rule, at least when we were kids, was you can never talk about it. It was a terrible topic for us to talk to our parents about. The conversation was extremely awkward, shameful, or both. I know I regretted asking my parents to talk to them about sex. This is where Sherie Christiansen is a godsend. Sherie works at Addo Recovery and Lakewood Family Therapy and has a website at  www.sherieachristiansen.com. She also has a book called, “My Body is a Gift from God” and provides online courses for betrayal trauma and healthy boundaries. Bottomline, Sherie is amazing when it comes to discussing the topic of sex with your kids.Sherie dives into how to have the conversations with them at age appropriate levels. You as parents will know when it is the right time to talk to your kids about it. However, Sherie said, “Your kids are hearing about sex every day, so you might as well talk to them about it just as much.” There are several questions that the UU Crew asks Sherie.How much of the “secrets of sex” can we tell them? How do we take the shame out of the topic of sex?How do we talk to them about this at an appropriate level?How do we talk to our kids about our stories?What are ways to get our kids comfortable with talking to us about sex?Is it appropriate to continue to talk to our kids about sex when they are adults and married?Is it okay for our kids to talk about sex and what we tell them to their friends?The list goes on and on. Sherie unpacks all of those questions and more in this episode. Please have a listen. There will likely be future episodes that go deeper into some of the questions and information that is brought up by the group. Sherie is an amazing resource and we appreciate that she would take time to talk with us and our listeners who are Unashamed and Unafraid.We at Unashamed Unafraid are so thankful that people are admitting they need these resources. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Steve and James sit down with Chris and Marilyn. Chris and Marilyn grew up together in Santa Monica, California as members of the Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints. As they phrase it, they were both “box checkers” - they went to church, served a mission, got married in the temple, had kids, and served in church callings. At age eleven Chris experienced two things that would dramatically change the trajectory of their lives for the next fifty years: He was sexually abused by his assistant scoutmaster and was introduced to pornography.

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Beckie Hennessy is a licensed clinical mental health counsellor. She began her career specializing in child trauma. She then branched out into trauma in general and now specializes in relational trauma, also known as betrayal trauma. In this episode, Beckie explains how betrayal trauma affects the brain and confirms that it is actual trauma. She also delves into attachment and its relationship to trauma.Beckie did her studies with the “Trauma Guru” Barbara Stephens. She says that trauma is when a person does not know how to process an event because it is too much to handle. When someone has trauma, they have three options at their disposal. They will either fight, run away or freeze. These are the only ways that a person can respond to traumatic situations.Beckie elaborates on this and discusses that the brain gets hijacked because of the event. The event is too overwhelming because it completely shatters the reality of the person experiencing the traumatic event. Beckie gives an example of having emergency services rush past your vehicle as you are driving home only to discover that it is because your house is on fire.But how does porn use and lying about it, equate to watching your house burn down? Beckie explains that it is about attachments and how people have their “person”. “When you pick your person and have sex with that person. When you pick your person and they hold your hair back while you’re puking your guts out because you are pregnant. And you find out that they are lying, for years, it is like your house is burning down inside you. You don’t know how to handle the situation.”The reason for the trauma is because a person attaches themselves to another person and there is a life that is created and shared between them. When that life turns out to be a lie, it disrupts every part of the betrayed person’s life. This is called relational trauma. A lot of people associate relational trauma with codependency; and there is another term called pro-dependency.Codependency is a very controversial topic because it says that you are pathologically flawed to the point that you will always choose the same type of person because you need them to be in your life. Pro-dependency is not a new concept but it is gaining popularity. Pro-dependency says that it is a learned behavior and not a permanent fixture. Becky assists people in understanding why they continually make the same choices and then helps them learn new habits. The way she does that is bringing us back to our foundation.God should be our foundation. Is it just that easy? Yes! However, it is easier said than done. We have to choose to get our validation through Heavenly Father and Jesus Christ instead of other flawed people, including ourselves. Lacrae says, “You live by their acceptance and die by their rejection.” This is so true. And the truth is Dad will never reject you and me. That gives us all the chance to be unashamed and unafraid of what the world thinks.This has been an amazing opportunity for us and hopefully you. We want to thank Beckie in helping us understand what Betrayal (Relational) Trauma is. She can be heard on the podcast. “The path of Imperfection” and on instagram @beckie.hennessy.lcsw or beckiehennessy.com. If this episode resonates with you, or you know someone who might benefit from them, please feel free to share the link to the episode with them. At Unashamed Unafraid we are here to spread the words of hope and healing through Jesus Christ.  Please subscribe and follow us on Facebook and Instagram @UnashamedUnafraid.

Thomas’s story is a miraculous journey from egotistical denial, to desperate despair, and finally, to healthy healing. It is for the man that has been hiding for most of his life and for the woman who senses that addiction has robbed her of her husband’s love. It’s a story of how one couple went from total disconnection to daily emotional, spiritual, intellectual, and physical connection. It’s the story of “Dark to Light: My Recovery from Pornography and Lust” (for his full story, check out his book on Amazon), and the story of how “Thomas 2.0” came to be.

Geoff Steurer is a professional therapist from Lifestar Group in St. George, Utah. He co-wrote the book, “Love You, Hate the Porn.” He also has a podcast called Illuminate. He is an expert on disclosure. He walks through - with Chris and Steve - the right and wrong way to disclose the lies that addicts keep from their loved ones.  So jump into the deep end of disclosure.

Chris, James and Steve sit down with Kristy (James’ Beautiful Bride) and discuss anonymous questions submitted by our listeners.  The episode talks about two people’s questions. The first is a deep one that asks about wanting to change but not knowing how. The second has several sub-questions from a supporter’s viewpoint. These are two very brave people who are asking questions that all addicts and supporters have asked. Sit back and buckle up. This episode is epic!

Steve and James sit down with Seth and Nicole as they share their story.  This is a story of true redemption, and not just for Seth. Seth and Nicole talk about their stories individually and how they met. They then talk about how they both found redemption through the atonement and grace of Jesus Christ. Please have a listen and if this story touches your life or you know it will touch someone else's, please consider sharing this with them.