The SelfWork Podcast

Just because I’ve written a book about perfectly hidden depression (PHD)  doesn’t mean that I’m through with learning about it. With each person that I’ve heard from, or has joined my practice because of my writing about PHD, or from the podcast hosts that have been generous enough to have me on, I keep learning. My first podcast (Episode 003) on it was so long ago -- I hadn't even started the book but only had a book proposal done. So we’ll take each of the ten traits of PHD and I’ll let you in on some understanding I've gleaned since writing the book --  kind of “what’s new in perfectly hidden depression." I'll use several different emails I've received from you from people who've identified with PHD - and try to answer their questions as well. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!            Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

This is a special episode of SelfWork to try and help you handle the anxiety that you may be feeling with the emergence of the Corona-19 virus worldwide. Especially if you're already managing anxiety or depression, or are someone who struggles not to be governed by your emotions, then the fear and grief that this pandemic brings can be very hard to handle. We're all dealing with fear and grief simultaneously, and that's very difficult. We'll talk about three different aspects of anxiety: Handling being at home (whether you're alone or with eight others), managing the fear itself; and managing relationships with others who may not be realizing the impact of their actions on you and/or your children. You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!  Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to cover how to begin to stop beating yourself up in a way that may surprise you a little. Because the behavior can seem as if you’re being extra careful or caring. But the habits of beating yourself up – the ways you maintain or fuel that self-doubt – can lead you further down the rabbit hole of shame and emotional paralysis. So let’s get started on “What can you do about it.’ And the listener email is from someone who was asking if I had time to talk with her individually – I wish I had time to do that! But we’ll talk about options for how to make the most out of at least what I have to offer… and some changes I’ve had to make due to the success (which I owe to you!) of SelfWork Important Links: Episode 113 on imposter syndrome You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re talking about the relationship between resilience and vulnerability and how those two things are an integral part of living a purposeful life. I’ll use some quotes from one of my favorite books – one of those books you read that makes an indelible impression on you. And we’ll touch on what actually creates resilience, which is the ability to bounce back, to remain purposeful even if you get disappointed or you fail at something. And I ask these questions: Does being resilient mean you can't allow vulnerability? Or if you reveal vulnerability, does that reflect a lack of resilience? Here's my best answer. Our listener email is from someone who has fallen in love with a man whose son died within the last year. She wants some advice on how to be supportive in this very new but already special relationship. Important Links: Article on Dr. Victor Frankl and “logotherapy.” Psychology Today article by Maureen Healy on developing resilience You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!                      Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Today we’re going to cover two of the most frequent questions I hear -- how to find a therapist and how you know a therapist is right for you. The title of the episode has “new” in quotes because often what's old is new again, and that's certainly the case here!  We'll go over the seven factors that are found to make therapy the most effective it can be. What are those? Let's start out with the alliance between the therapist and the client. That's #1. The listener email today is from a young woman who’s in a relationship with someone who seems very depressed – who has had a difficult childhood, is a child of divorce and has been very influenced by a mother who has always seen the world very negatively. Her question is about her actions are seen as intentionally malicious. The listener doesn’t know what to do and is asking for advice, as currently she feels blamed irrationally and viewed through overly distrustful eyes. Important Links: Episode 001 SelfWork: What Is Good Therapy Ratings of the top ten online counseling services. Recent APA Meta-analysis of Therapeutic Effectiveness: Seven Demonstrably Effective Factors and Report by Tora DeAngelos You can hear more about this and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!          Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

My dad used to say to us as kids, “Your rights end where someone else’s nose begins.” And that’s where I began learning about boundaries. Psychological boundaries are those that define where your own personal limits are as to what is emotionally harmful, and what is not. And that is unique to every individual. We'll ask these questions: What makes a boundary necessary to voice? Or there “understood” boundaries? When does a boundary have a positive effect and when is it not? How is a boundary different from an demand? Or is it? What is your recourse if a boundary you’ve set and explained is continuously ignored or blatantly defied The listener email offers has a great question about how a history of an ex with a pornography problem and the underlying deceit can have an effect on future trust and self-confidence. She’s asking for help – what can she do? You can hear more about boundaries and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!        Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

There are certain diagnoses that may be co-occurring with perfectly hidden depression (PHD) or could be confused with PHD. And the last thing I want is for anyone to label themselves PHD or identify with PHD and stop there – when instead, you may need to recognize that you're experiencing another type of psychological issue that warrants understanding and even treatment. Those diagnoses are Bipolar II disorder, Obsessive Compulsive disorder, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and Borderline Personality Disorder. We'll talk today about what traits PHD and these other disorders have in common and what makes them distinct from one another. The listener email for the week comments on my habit of including research and ideas from other people on SelfWork -- and I respond about the "why" of that choice on my part. Important Links: The INFJ personality category or the Myers-Briggs Don't Panic by Reid Wilson Understanding the Borderline Mother by Christine Lawson Bipolar II Disorder Meets criteria for a current or past hypomanic episode And meets criteria for a current or past depressive episode: A distinct period of abnormally and persistently elevated, expansive, or irritable mood and abnormally and persistently increased activity or energy, lasting at least four consecutive days and present most of the day, nearly every day, and including at least three of the following symptoms: Inflated self-esteem or grandiosity Decreased need for sleep More talkative than usual or pressure to keep talking Flight of ideas or subjective experience of racing thoughts Distractibility Increase in goal-directed activity (socially, at work or school, or sexually) or physical agitation. Excessive involvement in activities with high potential for painful consequences (e.g., buying sprees, foolish investments, sexual indiscretions) Five or more of the following symptoms present during the same two-week period: Depressed mood most of the day, nearly every day Markedly diminished interest or pleasure in all or almost all activities Significant unintended weight loss or change in appetite Insomnia or hypersomnia Being physically agitated or listless Fatigue or loss of energy Feelings of worthlessness or excessive/inappropriate guilt Diminished ability to think or concentrate, or indecisiveness Recurrent thoughts of death, recurrent suicidal ideation, a suicide attempt, or a plan for suicide   At least one of the symptoms is either depressed mood or loss of interest or pleasure.   Generalized Anxiety Disorder Excessive anxiety or worry, occurring more days than not for at least six months, about a number of events or activities Difficulty controlling the worry The anxiety or worry is associated with at least three of the following symptoms: Restlessness or feeling on edge Being easily fatigued Difficulty concentrating or mind going blank Irritability Muscle tension Sleep disturbance   Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder This disorder is characterized by the presence of obsessions, compulsions, or both. The obsessions or compulsions are time consuming (i.e., take more than one hour per day) or cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning. Obsessions: Recurrent and persistent thoughts, urges, or images that are experienced  as intrusive and unwanted and, in most individuals, cause marked anxiety or distress The individual attempts to ignore or suppress such thoughts, urges, or images, or to neutralize them with some other thought or action (i.e., by performing a compulsion) Compulsions: Repetitive behaviors (e.g., hand washing, ordering, checking) or mental acts (e.g., praying, counting, silently repeating words) that the individual feels driven to perform in response to an obsession or according to rules that must be applied rigidly The behaviors or mental acts are aimed at preventing or reducing anxiety or distress, or preventing some dreaded event or situation; however, they are not connected in a realistic way with what they are designed to neutralize or prevent, or are clearly excessive   Borderline Personality Disorder BPD is characterized by a pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity, beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five or more of the following symptoms: Frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment A pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation Identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self Impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating) Recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior Affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days) Chronic feelings of emptiness Inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger Transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms   You can hear more about PHD and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Valentines can hold as much angst for people as the holiday season. And if you have conflict or estrangement or alienation within your relationship, then that pain can become more distinct. Today we’re going to focus on what can cause these kinds of problems. But as usual, we’re also focusing on “what you can do about it.” I’ll use a couples therapy case from my own practice that shows that even though a problem may seem insurmountable, and like the relationship is over, there are four attitudes and actions that can help you find your way back to each other – and even to love. Our listener email today is a very poignant one from a young man whose relationship with his mom was rocky due to her being abusive. But now she’s died of a second bout with cancer. And he finds himself pushing away others who love him, except for his two year-old child. He wants to understand his actions, and I’ll do my best to answer his question. Important Links: Podcast on handling narcissism in relationships Podcast on loving someone with borderline personality disorder You can hear more relationship advice and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!          Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

Kobe Bryant's family is only one of the many families who have to face an extremely harsh tragedy - the traumatic death of someone they love. There is a difference in this kind of grief because it's traumatic in the most pure sense. One second your world was safe, known and secure. And the next, it was not -- due to an extremely dramatic and out-of-the-ordinary experience that induces grief, disbelief, shock, fear, panic, or terror. There's not anything you can do about the loss. But there is something you can do, as well as things that are definitely not helpful. So we'll talk about it today on SelfWork. The listener email is from someone who asked how she could ever rid herself of a shame she has carried “from birth.” I didn’t understand so reached out to her for more explanation. Her answer as fascinating to me because after her explanation, it was clear to see that the shame didn’t belong to her at all. Important Links: A very moving article on the "seven others on board" as people began writing about their lives, as well as their loved ones whose lives have been shattered. CNN writer Pat Etheridge's article on how sudden death involves trauma Definition of trauma by the APA A wonderful book: “The Dance of Anger” by Harriet Lerner Another helpful read:  Toxic Parents You can hear more about trauma and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you!    Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands

I’ve had several people write to me lately and explain that they are just pulling out of a slump or even worse, clinical depression. And they’re scared. Is there a time frame for what’s supposed to happen after a major depression has struck? How do you deal with some of the destructive choices you may have made when you were depressed? We’ll talk today about the factors that are important … and how to work with and manage your insecurity and fear of your depression returning. There's a lot of hope in new treatments that psychiatrists are prescribing for treatment resistant depression. We’ll touch on two of them --  Transcranial Magnetic Stimulation (TMS) and ketamine infusions -- both now being used to treat recurrent depression, cyclic disorders and recurrent suicidal ideation, and often meeting with good success. The listener email is from someone who calls herself a “social chameleon," which is the tendency to mimic the behaviors and actions of others while in their presence. Its traditional definition states that this tendency is intentional, but in her case, it seems quite unintentional or even unconscious. It's a fascinating topic and one that I was eager to explore, and it led to a discussion on boundaries. Important Links: Symptoms of Major Depression given by The Mayo Clinic. Quote from The Noonday Demon: At Atlas of Depression. by Andrew Solomon Johns Hopkins’ website describes the TMS procedure Harvard article on ketamine infusions Psychology Today by Dr. Ronald Riggio in which he describes being a social chameleon or being a  “high self-monitor”. Recent article on the “best” books on boundary setting. You can hear more about depression and many other topics by listening to my podcast, SelfWork with Dr. Margaret Rutherford. Subscribe to my website and receive one weekly newsletter including my weekly blog post and podcast! If you’d like to join my FaceBook closed group, then click here and answer the membership questions! Welcome! My new book entitled Perfectly Hidden Depression has arrived and you can order here! Its message is specifically for those with a struggle with strong perfectionism which acts to mask underlying emotional pain. But the many self-help techniques described can be used by everyone who chooses to begin to address emotions long hidden away that are clouding and sabotaging your current life. And there’s a new way to send me a message! You can record by clicking below and ask your question or make a comment. You’ll have 90 seconds to do so and that time goes quickly. By recording, you’re giving SelfWork (and me) permission to use your voice on the podcast. I’ll look forward to hearing from you! Advertising Inquiries: https://redcircle.com/brands