I can't see the illusion...

Since 2 years I came across the principes and since then I have read dozens of books and listened to so many podcasts. I dit different courses and nothing seems to bring me insights that change things for me. At the same time, I feel distracted while reading/listening and that brings comfort. But as soon as I close the book, I’m in my thinking again. And I find it hard that I’m not present to being in life with my family, and closing myself off trying to find relief in reading/listening. Reading about non-duality scares me. The idea that you can’t choose what you think and you have no control whatsoever frightens me, because why can’t I feel love, peacefulness and joy if that’s my nature? Why all these negative thoughts?

I’m very aware of the ticker tape of negative thinking playing in my mind. I thought I’d share, because I feel stuck.

- I I’ll never feel good again.

- Nothings is wrong in my life, what if something happens with my husband/parents. I won’t be able to cope.

- What will I do when I’m free tomorrow.

- I wake up early and I don’t feel like eating, I’m in my flight or flight response, I can’t think myself out of it, but I can’t stop these thoughts.

- Is it hormonal? Should I try hormonal patches?

- Do I have to get a diagnosis for ADD? Would ADD meds help? (My son was diagnosed last year and I have always recognized myself in the symptoms).

- I spend my days reading/listening about the principles in the hope I will see something different, but I don’t have a sense of a deeper feeling or awareness. I know I should have other interests, but I can’t stay away from it.

- If I don’t feel better, how can I ever get a different job with more responsibilities. 

- What if it gets worse and I cannot cope?

- I wish I had more friends.

- All this taking in information may be the reason my head feels fussy, but what can I do to fill my days? I feel bored at work and at home, how can I find my joy? 

etc.

 
It’s exhausting and I don’t know how to relate differently to all that thinking. 

I’ve started the Circles course and my anxiety is revving up, because you say so clearly that there’s no hope to ever feel better if you can’t see past the illusion of a separate self. But in all the reading I did, I can’t see it. I wonder if this is the right course or what else I can do. Any advice is appreciated.