Listener question : seeing and honouring the lens

Hi Clare. Now on your stress day 7 you ask to go back to our childhood. And that situation is indeed at the origin of what I still live today. As a very young child I was honest and dared to say 'No' to my grandmother who was raising me, my sister and brother while my parents worked day and night.  I was often punished and hit by my grandmother because I was not a 'nice girl'. She convinced my mother to take me to a doctor because I was not normal in her eyes. I was too lively myself and spoke freely. My mother was very afraid herself of her own mother and could not stand against her to protect me.  So I adapted myself to others - made  me small and said 'yes', just ot be 'good enough'.. I depended on the grown-up ones to  survive; to be loved  and to be worthy of getting love and attention . Later as an adult myself, I was not able to have a healthy relationship with a partner. I had 3 broken relationships with 3 men I loved. In the beginning, I adapted to them all to be loved - afterwards I revolted and felt guilty at the same time. After too much fights I was always the first to leave , because I could not stand to be left alone or to lose my loved ones . At that time my sister past away , then my brother, my father and mother. They all died and I felt completely left alone in this world. I never, ever wanted to feel this feeling again! So I chose my present partner out of security reasons. I'm not attracted to him and his behouviour irritates me terribly. But he is safe, will never hit me and never leave me. So I forced myself to stay with him - eventhough I missed really loving someone very very much. I judged myself to be weak., and tried to believe my own lies. You will learn to love him. I'm living this inner daily fight for more then 10 years now and has cost me a lot of stress and physical pain we talked about last time. I asked myself now the same question, my grandmother did years ago: what is wrong about me? Why can't I be in love with a nice man? A was for many years mad at my grandmother and worked with therapists on this. I'm not mad at her anymore. But my inner lens through which I see life hasn't changed. Clare, I'm  sorry I didn't tell you all this details the last time I wrote. I was too ashamed to tell. Can you help me to see and honour my lens?