20. The Right Way to Tell Someone They're Wrong

Feb 23, 2026

A conversation about correcting others without condemning them. It explores the difference between tone and heart and why love must drive correction. Biblical passages and a mother-hen image illustrate fierce compassion. Practical distinctions include contempt versus courage and how to speak truth in love.

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INSIGHT

Separate Tone From Heart

Distinguish tone from heart when confronting wrongdoing; tone can vary while heart must be consistently loving.
John Ortberg contrasts soothing therapist tone with jarring coach tone to show tone's flexibility.

INSIGHT

Condemnation Is Contempt Not Clarity

Condemnation is a posture of contempt combining malice and disgust, not merely moral clarity.
Ortberg emphasizes condemnation treats people as worthless, differing from judging actions as wrong.

ADVICE

Speak Truth With Agape Love

Speak truth with agape love: will the good of the other even when using jarring language.
Use the New Testament idea of agape to prioritize the other's good over mere pleasantness.

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How do you tell someone they’re wrong… without condemning them?

John Ortberg explores one of the most important distinctions in communication: the difference between tone and heart. Tone can be soothing or jarring. But the heart must always be love.

Looking at Matthew 23, where Jesus confronts religious leaders with blistering language, John asks: Was Jesus condemning them? Or was something deeper happening?

You’ll discover:
- Why condemnation is not the same as moral clarity
- The difference between contempt and courage
- What “malice + disgust” really means
- Why Jesus compares himself to a mother hen
- How to speak the truth in love without losing your soul

Drawing from Romans 8, Matthew 23, Luke 19, and a reflection by Barbara Brown Taylor, this episode offers a powerful prayer for Lent:
“God, give me the right heart. Then show me the right tone.”

If you’re navigating conflict, leadership, parenting, or hard conversations — this one matters.

Download the free NO CONDEMNATION COMMITMENT: https://bit.ly/NC-commitment

📚 Today's Resources:
Barbara Brown Taylor — reflection on the chapel Dominus Flevit and the image of the mother hen
Chapel of Dominus Flevit (“The Lord Wept”) on the Mount of Olives
Film reference: A League of Their Own (Tom Hanks coach scene — jarring tone, not necessarily a bad heart)

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Music Credits:
Believe Me by Glass Echoes - MB01UU8HNMQ8GT0
Frost on My Window by Coldbrew - MB01IZWASF1DYPO