Good Life Project How to Stop Fighting And Start Talking (and Healing) | Stan Tatkin
May 29, 2023
Marriage and family therapist Stan Tatkin shares strategies for improving communication in relationships. He emphasizes the importance of working through conflicts instead of pushing partners away. Topics discussed include facing challenges together, navigating conflicts productively, the impact of the pandemic on relationships, establishing governance and embracing differences, the impact of stress on relationships, prioritizing the relationship over self-interest, and the importance of cooperation in a relationship.
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Secure Functioning Beats Romantic Myth
- Secure functioning is a relationship culture built by shared purpose, rules, and mutual accountability rather than emotion alone.
- It reframes partners as a two-person team where harming the other inevitably harms yourself, changing incentives and behavior.
Stress Hijacks Moral Reasoning
- Under stress our brains switch to fight-or-flight and lose higher moral reasoning and compassion.
- Relationships must rely on pre-agreed structures and repair skills because physiological states impair fair thinking.
Relationships Are Co‑Created Cultures
- Relationships are co-created cultures requiring explicit governance, not just private feelings.
- Daily acts aligned with shared agreements produce 'earned love' that sustains long-term bonds.