Helping Women on Their Journey Through the Five Phases of Divorce Grief

In this episode, Oona discusses how she went through her own divorce a number of years ago and found that there were not that many resources for women. After moving through her own divorce and becoming resettled, she started running groups for women going through divorce and has run numerous groups over the years. She shared that through working with many women, she began to find patterns and themes and wrote a book for women to help them as they make this transition in their life. She explained that the Kubler-Ross model of grief was helpful, but wasn’t quite capturing the nuances of divorce. She described what she calls the five phases of divorce, which are Heartbreak, Roller Coaster, Mending, Letting Go and Moving On. In the Heartbreak phase, she explained that whether the person initiated the divorce or not, there is a great deal of pain and heartbreak and its a time for the therapist to be fully present with their client. The Roller Coaster phase features a mix of emotions with sadness, anger, fear, shame, and other emotions, and can be confusing since there may be conflicting emotions. For example, someone might feel a great deal of anger and maybe hate, but at the same time sadness and love. Helping clients to understand that this is a phase of the process of moving through divorce can help clients to understand that this will not last forever and to be patient with themselves, rather than rushing into another relationship or self medicating. The Mending phase is a time to turn toward the self instead of spending so much energy on the ex or the divorce. Mending includes a process of renegotiating boundaries, not only with the ex around what their interactions will be like or how they will coparent, but also their friends, family, and in laws. She explained that it’s a time for reevaluation and many people also begin to reevaluate their boundaries with others in their life. The fourth phase is Letting Go and is an important component of healing. When people divorce, they not only let go of their spouse, but also their identity of being a married person, as well as their identity of being part of an intact family. Lastly, in the Moving On phase, she explains that the person is shifting their focus away from the divorce and towards the future, whether that be in another relationship, their work, their children or a new venture. She explained that sometimes people can get stuck in a phase like the Roller Coaster phase, and it can be helpful to work with them in becoming unstuck. The process of the therapist figuring out whether this is part of the natural process or whether the client is stuck can be difficult to differentiate. We discuss getting legal consultation and Oona recommends against therapists referring to a specific lawyer because all divorces are different, but instead encouraging clients to do a lot of research to find what is the right fit for them. We also talked about co-parenting counseling and how it’s different than therapy where you’re not working on the relationship between the couple, but helping them work together for the best interest of the child. Oona shares how valuable the groups have been for her clients. Her book, Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women just came out the week before the interview and is reflective of so many women’s journeys through the process. She also said she is providing trainings for therapists to learn how to run the divorce support groups for women and is leading a two day long Institute at the American Group Psychotherapy Association Conference in NY in March for therapists experiencing divorce. Oona Metz, LICSW is a Licensed Independent Clinical Social Worker, a Certified Group Psychotherapist, and a Fellow of the American Group Psychotherapy Association. She has 30 years of experience working with individuals, families, and groups. Her private practice offices are located in Brookline and Arlington, Massachusetts. She is active on numerous committees and boards related to group therapy and prioritizes ongoing learning in diversity, equity, and inclusion. Her practice is focused on treating the emotional aspects of divorce and group therapy, and she leads three weekly divorce support groups. She is the author of Unhitched: The Essential Divorce Guide for Women. You can learn more about her at her website oonametz.com