'How can I stop his aggression?' Listener question

In a recent podcast you encouraged us to gravitate toward our discomfort, get curious about it rather than flee from it. I tend to be a conflict avoider, spending energy protecting the non-existent “me.” For example, I avoid my husband when his weather is stormy. Although there are swells and troughs, his baseline aggravation is high. Even as I write this, I am trying to be aware of my own projections around it. His irritation is often directed at our children, and when I don’t join him in his gripes, he feels betrayed and unsupported. If I enjoy time with them that is light and unencumbered, he seems resentful or jealous. When I try to soften toward him, he hardens. I see we are both stuck in a story of “This is not how things should be.” He wants our family to be more in line with his expectations. I want him to love us and himself for who we are. Yet do I love him for who he is? I do love his essence, the loving person I sometimes glimpse behind the armor, but I don’t love the aggravation and accusation. Over the years I have become braver about trying to communicate with him. These attempts usually result in him getting defensive and me feeling sad and resigned. I have felt his verbal bullets pass through me like air, no “me” to trap them anymore. I don’t feel my happiness relies on his, but I am so sad that we can’t seem to share happiness together. Where are my blind spots here?