Overcoming Betrayal & Addiction Counteractive Change Vs. Transformational Change
In this weekly Sex and Intimacy Q&A, Tami and The Shoeless Therapist Matt Wheeler discuss two types of change – counteractive change and transformational change – and how each one impacts healing. They also consider honesty, manipulation, and lying; and warn listeners of the danger of a partner claiming that they'll never hurt you again.
TAKEAWAYS:
[1:57] Defining counteractive change and transformational change.
[4:08] Early recovery almost always includes counteractive change.
[5:33] Honesty is a complicated request.
[9:37] Reflective and dissociative lying are learned behaviors.
[11:49] Trusting your gut around lying patterns.
[17:20] Lying to set boundaries and allow for self-preservation.
[22:32] Is this lie going to hurt my relationship?
[24:40] Counteractive change does not lead to deeper healing.
[29:55] Your partner cannot always be the catalyst for your behavior.
[34:10] Threatening is about control, not about fostering relationships.
[37:28] Trusting your own intuition and getting your needs met.
[41:40] How can I handle my betrayed partner's indignation and anger?
[47:05] How can I respond to my partner's promise to never hurt me again?
[53:18] How can I approach my extremely avoidant partner?
[56:07] My cheating partner was never going to tell me the truth. Now what?
RESOURCES:
Email Tami: Tami@Seekingintegrity.com
Prodependence: Moving Beyond Codependency, by Robert Weiss
Sex Addiction 101: A Basic Guide to Healing from Sex, Porn, and Love Addiction, by Robert Weiss
Cruise Control: Understanding Sex Addiction in Gay Men, by Robert Weiss
Seeking Integrity Podcasts are produced in partnership with Podfly Productions.
QUOTES
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"All lying is manipulative in the sense that you're trying to manipulate the other person to think and feel a certain way."
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"Trust your gut when you recognize a familiar pattern."
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"Sometimes a person can change because they love someone else. Real transformative change happens because they love themselves."
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"No relationship is healthy if it's filled with threats."
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"Even if you could prove that acting out didn't occur, that's not the point. Your intuition is telling you that you have needs that aren't being met."
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"You cannot make any choice in life without accepting a loss."