Just Break Up: Relationship Advice from Your Queer Besties Episode 243: Stop the Resentment Snowball In Its Tracks
Mar 1, 2023
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Marriage Moved Cross Country Then Repeated Absences
- JJ eloped in May 2022, moved across the country for her active-duty husband, and has endured multiple multi-week absences that left her isolated in upstate New York.
- She handled a newly adopted dog alone and recovered from collarbone surgery while he was away, which triggered strong abandonment and resentment feelings when he now wants a six-month overseas posting.
Partnership Means Negotiating Mutual Benefit
- Sierra emphasizes that a spouse's job isn't a blank check to flatten your needs; partnership requires negotiating mutual benefit, not unilateral sacrifice.
- She urges exploring whether the husband's absences are reasonable within their life design and whether he would accept mirrored expectations for her to leave.
Propose Concrete Alternatives Before Accepting Absence
- Do bring up concrete alternatives instead of blaming: ask about relocating, you visiting monthly, or renting out the apartment while he's gone.
- Propose adding travel into the shared finances so visits actually happen and you aren't left isolated.