ManTalks Podcast Figs O'Sullivan - On Diagnosing Your Partner, Blame Games, And Emotional Pursuers
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Oct 23, 2023 Couples therapy expert Figs O'Sullivan discusses the influence of therapy-speak and TikTok experts on relationships. They explore the tendency to blame partners and diagnose them based on limited understanding. The podcast also delves into the impact of attachment on couples' repetitive fights and the dynamics of pursuers and withdrawers. It emphasizes the importance of empathy and effective couples therapy to improve relationships.
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Therapy Soundbites Fuel Partner Diagnoses
- Social media arms armchair therapists and amplifies loud minority diagnoses, making partners quickly label each other narcissist or borderline.
- Figs O'Sullivan notes confirmation bias and intense preference groups make extreme diagnostic advice spread far beyond the minority it's meant for.
Blame Shields Against Deep Pain
- Blaming a partner externalizes pain to avoid facing deep vulnerability and abandonment feelings.
- Figs explains anger is a secondary emotion people choose because it protects them from the 'dark room' of their own hurt.
Competence Turned Into Superiority After Esalen
- Figs recounts living at Esalen practicing nonviolent communication and then unintentionally using the skill to feel superior.
- He calls this paradox 'competency making me incompetent' when tools become weapons.