'I want to be nice' Listener question

What I'm noticing is that I often begrudge other people's successes. I have judgemental and contemptuous thoughts and fear of other people's work being better than mine.  I can see there is a desire to be special. Even being in  this conversation brings out these feelings of superiority. This feels jarring because the thing I want to do (or at least what my mind is telling me I want to do) is to support people and lift them up. I get that these are just thoughts. I don't choose them and I am able to act from a place of support regardless.  It's horrible though. I can see that the other constructed version of myself as 'nice' and supportive is fighting against this shadow side with all of these resentments and meanness. I know the whole point is that we let everything in. I know that real freedom is allowing all of this. I do wish it would go away though so I could enjoy being 'nice me' properly!! I guess I need to fully allow this to teach me what there is to see? Whenever I hear people like yourself I can't help but think, I bet she doesn't think these nasty things like me!