144: 2 Ways You're Seeking Other People's Attention (Without Noticing)

Jan 27, 2026

They explore why both oversharing and withdrawing can be rooted in the same need for attention. They unpack subtle codependency patterns like “giving to get” and the urge to make others see your perspective. They contrast anxious attachment and avoidant strategies that masquerade as maturity. They offer ways to pause habitual reactions and choose actions aligned with your true needs.

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INSIGHT

Giving To Get Is Codependency

Codependent behavior is any strategy of "giving to get," even when it looks like silence or helpfulness.
When your actions aim to make someone else change so you feel safer, you're abandoning yourself.

ANECDOTE

Al‑Anon Reveals A Shared Pattern

Kelly Brogan describes attending her first Al‑Anon and seeing how common the impulse is to organize others' experiences.
She noticed people assume they must fix others' perspectives so their world feels safe.

ADVICE

Stop Unsolicited Defenses

Avoid defending or explaining your perspective when no one asked; that is self‑abandonment.
Instead, notice whether your intent is "I'll get you to see" and refuse that strategy.

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If you feel the need to always speak your opinions, you might be “addicted” to seeking the attention of others.

In this episode, I unpack one of the most charged questions I hear: how to tell whether you’re self abandoning or actually accepting reality. There are subtle ways codependency shows up, even in people who think they’re being calm, spiritual, or evolved… especially when silence becomes a strategy.

Over-speaking and under-speaking, and how both can be driven by the same nervous system impulse, are two common patterns I see again and again. We talk about anxious attachment, avoidant tendencies, and the “giving to get” dynamic that drains your sense of self.

You’ll also hear why trying to get someone else to see your perspective often costs more than it gives, and how real boundaries begin with knowing what you want, not managing how others live their lives. This conversation is for anyone tired of performing self-control while feeling internally split, and ready to build self-trust that doesn’t depend on being understood.

You’ll Learn:

[00:00] Introduction

[01:02] The difference between self-abandonment and letting others live their lives

[02:14] Why “giving to get” turns both silence and speaking up into self-betrayal

[03:21] The subtle ways codependency hides inside helping, supporting, or being reasonable

[04:28] What’s really happening when you need someone else to see your perspective

[05:46] How anxious attachment drives over-explaining without meeting your actual needs

[07:12] When withdrawal and invisibility start to look like maturity while eroding self-trust

[09:03] How to recognize when your voice is coming from control instead of self-attunement

[11:01] Why real boundaries start with knowing what you want, not managing others

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Find more from Kelly:

Instagram: @kellybroganmd

Website: kellybroganmd.com

Join Kelly's monthly membership, Vital Life Project here.

Get Kelly’s new book The Reclaimed Woman here.