We're living in the first 5min of a disaster movie - March 13th 2020

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Fearmongers this week are Chris Taylor, Bridie Connell and Professor Hilary Bambrick from the the QUT school of public health and social work. We also have special guests Harry Mountbatten-Windsor and Bernie Sanders as voiced by the insanely talented Rupert Degas.

00:00 House keeping.

01:40 Start

03:00 Guest Intro

04:45 Prince Harry Sketch

05:50 Coronavirus talk

19:30 Professor Hilary Bambrick on COVID19

29:27 National Bushfire Recovery Fund

33:00 Senator Bernie Sanders

34:55 Credits

THANKS TO:

Jacob Round, Rupert Degas, and FBi Radio

TRANSCRIPT BY OTTER.AI:

Dan Ilic 0:00

Now before we start letting people know that our Melbourne Comedy Festival show Tickets are on sale on this stage, the Melbourne Comedy Festival is still going. Yeah, I mean, what day is it? It's currently Thursday evening, I would say we have about 12 hours left for you to purchase tickets, feel good about them and then feel the need to return them when the corona quit hit. So please go and buy Melbourne Comedy Festival tickets. I think we're about halfway sold. It's really great. We're going to have a great show. We've got the ARIA award winning bridey and white from tonight, Lee. We've got the Walkley award winning Patricia Cabela's we've got the Walkley award losing James Colley the multiple award winner Alice Fraser DJ Tila and Bain will be there and also Louis and I we've been nominated for many things like you've been nominated for most hygienic man, that's

Unknown Speaker 0:40

true. Um, I lost to

Lewis Hobba 0:44

God I got myself into a pickle here. Who's a really hydrating person. Mr. Shea There we go.

Unknown Speaker 0:53

I was thinking of something completely different. Oh my god. All sudden you sit down with a real surprise. Anyway, the show we better than that.

Unknown Speaker 0:59

You We also have a Patreon which we launched last week. So go to patreon.com forward slash irrational feet and give us some spare change like three bucks a month, Louis and I've been doing a restaurant fee for about eight years. And we decided this year we're gonna go pro.

Unknown Speaker 1:13

I want to get rich.

Unknown Speaker 1:14

And a big thank you to the following people who are giving us 11 bucks a month in total Julia Polito, Patti McIntosh, Susan Cobra and team Hughes for being our very first Patreon subscribers that $11 is going to very good use. This episode of rational fear is made on gadigal land in the eora nation we pay our respects to elder's past, present and emerging sovereignty was never seated. Let's start the show.

Unknown Speaker 1:39

A rational fear contains naughty words like bricks can rub and gum and section 40 of a rational fear recommended listening by emerge your audience.

Unknown Speaker 1:52

Today on irrational fear in what appears to be not a marketing stunt for a Capitol Avenue nightclub. Tom Hanks has come down with coronavirus on the Gold Coast. He is undergoing social distancing with his volleyball wife Wilson. Sorry, Rita Wilson. I didn't realise that pole had a first name anyway. Okay. And Scott camp says that earning $350,000 from the government for doing one appearance and full social media posts is his business. And a pretty good one Minister for employment. Kelly cash says that the government wanted Scott cam because he's just a typical tradie over quotes and under delivers, and in the wake of Corona virus related economic meltdown. The federal government has mercifully killed a surplus that never existed and is implementing a $17 billion stimulus package, including cash payments of $750. to people who can prove that they voted for the coalition. Stop picking your nose and touching your face. This is irrational fear.

Unknown Speaker 2:59

All right, welcome. irrational fear. Joining us tonight our fear mongers include a writer performer, a bon vivant it is Chris Taylor.

Chris Taylor 3:07

I'm thinking my bond move on days are numbered. Are you allowed to go to bars anymore? Or is it all button?

Unknown Speaker 3:14

She is an area award winning Saturday standard rock on her. It is a variety inconel

Unknown Speaker 3:21

This is the most highbrow

Unknown Speaker 3:22

sounding professional fee. Don't worry, we will ruin

Unknown Speaker 3:25

the illusion very shortly

Unknown Speaker 3:26

and he's a hand sanitizer connoisseur it is Louis Silva.

Unknown Speaker 3:31

Please double check this episode's recording Damn. Yeah, I'm pretty sure what are the main to bring it up. But it's not the first time it's happened. And by even just last week, we were here and the show that we recorded was probably the felt like there was no environments where I got a weird hygienic setup that I couldn't finish with a punch line. I was really knocking them down last

Unknown Speaker 3:50

night. It was the tightest irrational fear I've ever heard. I think what's held the show back is that Dan has recorded them in the past. When it's just silence I find there's a slickness. is a Pisces and energy to them that's probably worth replicating on more than one occasion.

Unknown Speaker 4:04

Well, I would love to thank you both for being here and as a special gift here is a raw

Unknown Speaker 4:07

three

Unknown Speaker 4:08

ply toilet paper.

Unknown Speaker 4:12

That's just showing off.

Unknown Speaker 4:14

You can have a roll Ah, take that home or give it to a loved one. Okay, a little later on in the show. Tonight we'll be discussing this week's disappointing Democratic primary with presidential nominee senator Bernie Sanders. So stick around for that. We also asked questions, the big questions, in fact, like what happened to that national bushfire recovery fund? And we wade into the petri dish that is the coronavirus with what I should say is an interview with an actual epidemiologist who is the Head of School of Public Health and Social Work at Qt but first we have a sponsor for today's show. Someone who's done a bit of social distancing themselves.

Unknown Speaker 4:49

Greetings former subjects Harry here formerly known as Prince now of course, Harry Mountbatten Windsor. Gosh, that's a mouthful. I don't know how the normies do it. Anyway, I'm a former distant heir to the throne of the British Kingdom now full time ruler of the at Sussex royal Instagram account and it's my pleasure to offer my family services to you. My wife and I are very good at the following our silver level service includes hours of inane chit chat cutting ribbons, looking at things pointing at things. Or for more premium service, try our gold

Unknown Speaker 5:17

level package

Unknown Speaker 5:18

that's looking at things and pointing at things whilst doing an end chitchat and cutting a ribbon. At this level we can even kiss your baby or for little extra you can kiss us if you like, but please, please don't ask me if I can dress up like a Nazi. That's Platinum level and you probably can't afford that. Well, maybe you can. Either way. Let us know your budget. We're available for hire all year round, all around the world. So slide into our DMS today.

Unknown Speaker 5:43

tonnes of conditions apply baby kissing only available in coronavirus free countries Nazi uniform will be self supplied and will be burned at the end of engagement.

Unknown Speaker 5:49

I love it. Look, I've put my hand up. I've been guilty of this too. But if ever there was an example in comedy of effect, one goes

Unknown Speaker 6:00

He comes from a family who were actual Nazis. And yet Harry, who just had a dress up party wants to do that, fleetingly. We're still how many years old? 20 years old still doing jokes about it. Well,

Unknown Speaker 6:11

you know, I hate to say this in a roomful of comedians, but we've all done it. Sure. I mean,

Unknown Speaker 6:17

we all have something.

Unknown Speaker 6:20

I mean, for me, it was the goat fucking.

Unknown Speaker 6:24

Yeah. Well, ladies, I don't know how you feel about this week. It certainly feels like for the last week, it's been probably like reliving the first five minutes of a disaster movie over and over again. Like you turn on the radio. And it's the end of the world you turn on the TV. It's the end of the world. Of course, we're talking about coronavirus. How do you guys feel? The Zeitgeist is out there at the moment for Corona related material.

Unknown Speaker 6:46

It's genuinely Interesting, isn't it because I personally oscillate between been kind of quite concerned about it. And thinking the world's gone completely batshit crazy and I think I don't know if There's a middle ground between those two or one of those positions is correct. It's certainly true that no one really knows how bad this is gonna get which is what makes it genuinely scary. I mean, I'm personally not really worried about dying or even getting the job but I am worried about inconvenience. Yeah,

Unknown Speaker 7:13

well that's the thing is that because it's like in the disaster movies, it's like Jeff Goldblum running in and going, guys like I told you that this crazy virus was going to come and it turns everyone crazy and they turn into zombies whereas this would be Jeff Goldblum running and going guys it's pretty bad cold. Yeah, you don't get a pretty bad cold.

Unknown Speaker 7:31

Please stay inside by yourself to like my dream.

Unknown Speaker 7:36

But yeah, there's no like, you know, Jurassic Park theme. There's no epic kind of. Yeah, I want a bit more.

Unknown Speaker 7:42

That's what we need. We need a theme song for the corona virus. I actually have some stings for this segment. I'm just gonna play them as we go. Let me know what you think they're pretty obvious.

Unknown Speaker 8:05

There's a few things I hate about that.

Unknown Speaker 8:08

And I'm gonna

Unknown Speaker 8:10

let me list them, but I'll just leave you with number one. Weird Al Yankovic. Weird Al Yankovic came out this week and said please stop asking me to do my Corona

Unknown Speaker 8:24

that without

Unknown Speaker 8:29

before we recorded this Friday, I've got a stings and I'm pretty sure Brady would like them.

Unknown Speaker 8:37

I have to tell you something, just as a quick aside of that, one of the things that I found really fascinating psychologically about this whole thing is is the cabin fever that people are experiencing been quarantined and you know, isolated for some people. It's just that two week period, but in some places around the world, people have been in their apartments now for a couple of months, which obviously will have psychological effects. But there has been a microphone to song that was release, which gets progressively bleaker, as you watch it. There's oldest content that's coming out. And look, I'm sure the four of us we're all comedians, if we were isolated for months, we'd probably be like, yeah, time to launch a YouTube channel like we do it.

Unknown Speaker 9:13

That's what a rational theory so I haven't jumped in yet.

Unknown Speaker 9:16

But it's interesting because a lot of the stuff that's coming out, you know, started very funny and sharp and is getting progressively weirder as a cabin fever. Really,

Unknown Speaker 9:26

I think this is a story of Corona I think, you know, Corona, the corona virus 19 we've all been saying this story. It did start off quite benign. It's like, Oh, it's in China. Oh, it's in it's another place. Oh, it's another place now it's here. But in like in Italy, the death rate is significant. Like it's something like 80% I can honestly

Unknown Speaker 9:41

say Is there ever been a better time to go to Italy?

Unknown Speaker 9:45

We've all been there. Well, I share a lot of people have been there and the queues until the Duomo in Makkah square in Venice, or to see the cathedral in Florence right now. Sure. There's a risk of picking up a job. For the convenience of getting straight into some of the world's greatest sites with no other crowds in the way you could have a gondola sing to you through a flu mask or we can

Unknown Speaker 10:12

set up the

Unknown Speaker 10:14

exclusive to

Unknown Speaker 10:15

go on a Chris Taylor chaser tour. finally

Unknown Speaker 10:18

make it a cruise

Unknown Speaker 10:22

I've got another sting.

Unknown Speaker 10:33

Hey, that is mom's Good luck song and now you've

Unknown Speaker 10:38

I've already started judging people who call it covered 19 you know, like there's two types of people. Those of us I'm still a bit old school I go with coronavirus arcanist people now when you're at barbecues or wherever, trying to sound a bit more

Unknown Speaker 10:50

American. I've done a bit more reading

Unknown Speaker 10:52

on four. I've read the Lancet this week. Cova 90. Use the Latin to describe your dog and call it canine

Unknown Speaker 11:02

stick to it.

Unknown Speaker 11:02

It's the best he comes back and goes I just came back from each gun boom.

Unknown Speaker 11:08

My friend

Unknown Speaker 11:10

stop calling it coronavirus Dan can't do half his pants

Unknown Speaker 11:15

please for the sake of day they still got Kobe.

Unknown Speaker 11:26

I do have one

Unknown Speaker 11:27

I do have one more. Okay I

Unknown Speaker 11:29

need to

Unknown Speaker 11:32

run around the world a lot of things being cancelled. The NBA is being cancelled cancelled. The NBA.

Unknown Speaker 11:38

Cancel College has gone too far.

Unknown Speaker 11:40

One NBA player last week whereas was at a press conference and joked that he had coronavirus and then at the press conference touched all the microphones that was last week. This week. He's been diagnosed with Corona virus conferences have been cancelled. Mona's doc mofo has been cancelled. hipsters gonna

Unknown Speaker 11:56

swim in the nude and winter now.

Unknown Speaker 11:59

Coachella has been postponed South by Southwest was cancelled James Bonds, the release of James Bond has been moved to the end of the year. That's really interesting because if it was just a normal normal theatre release from a normal studio, it just would just go out but like because MGM has one film franchise and they bank the house on it, they've got to move.

Unknown Speaker 12:18

Also, I heard a rumour that is completely unfounded. So I really must stress that this might not be true, but I think yeah, that the plotline is loosely. pandemic base. Oh, really? Right.

Unknown Speaker 12:31

Wow.

Unknown Speaker 12:33

Wow. I actually woke up on the weekend. I was like, I feel a bit sick. So I'm like, oh God. So I stayed in and was like flicking through Netflix. And all of the top films over the weekend. Were like contagious and like people are just staying at home watching like what they think of is now a documentary.

Unknown Speaker 12:50

They've gone viral.

Unknown Speaker 12:52

AIDS epidemic what was everyone just watching.

Unknown Speaker 12:58

stuck inside

Unknown Speaker 13:00

Yeah, there's one event in France that continued Friday that you you noticed

Bridie Connell 13:03

is Look, I love this story. I kind of think it's quite inspiring, which is absolutely not the angle that most media have taken to this story, but in a town in the northwest of France, there you know, despite all of the advice of the local health bodies to stay at home and to maintain, you know, distance and a bit of social isolation and be very careful and hygienic, and don't and not to congregate. Almost 4000 people came out dressed as Smurfs to break the world record for the amount of people dressed to Smurfs at one time. Yeah, just reckless defiance in the face of this adversity. And I love it because I feel like if the world is ending, let's go out being the weirdos that we are doing the things that we love.

Unknown Speaker 13:48

Don't even if you don't break the record for the most amount of space, you probably would break the record for the most amount of dead Smurfs.

Unknown Speaker 13:58

The experts are recommending handling And social distancing Chris as someone who dated for a very long time you've got some good tips on social.

Unknown Speaker 14:08

First of all, I I hadn't heard this phrase social distancing until this week it sounds if ever there was a phrase that sounded very euphemistic sounds like something that Nazis would have done during the Holocaust it's a no brainer we didn't get those Jews with socially distance ourselves from them. I I love the coronavirus. Well,

Unknown Speaker 14:28

happy to be the patina

Unknown Speaker 14:32

and take a contrary view, what's socially acceptable,

Unknown Speaker 14:34

you aren't chasing that oh my

Unknown Speaker 14:36

god, I'm gonna call the academy or television remove those loads.

Unknown Speaker 14:41

Anyone is has a slightly anti socialist trick will probably understand like for years, we've had to come up with excuses when we don't want to go to your shitty play, or your annoying birthday party that's in an incredibly inconvenient location. I've I've had to kill relatives just to pretend I've got a death in the family now. It's so easy to not go anywhere you simply say,

Unknown Speaker 15:03

yeah, it's so funny lead this shitty play because out of the four of us here, how many plays Have you written?

Unknown Speaker 15:09

I remember getting invites to several of those. It's actually very easy for me to say I wasn't going

Unknown Speaker 15:15

back then we didn't have a virus to rely on. It wasn't a good virus so you can't say sighs because it's Asia nurse was in the Middle East Exactly. Now we've got our very own

Unknown Speaker 15:24

got our own and I'm milking this like I I'm really hoping it's hanging around for a long time as for anti social sort of smoke bombs like me. perfect opportunity to lock yourself up and never see anyone.

Unknown Speaker 15:34

I was half expecting a text tonight saying sorry. Via fire.

Unknown Speaker 15:39

Look, it's the thing about I mean, I don't know a lot of us probably do work from home as Freelancer so it's not unusual. So I've got a lot of friends who have been getting serious sort of emails or lectures from their bosses encouraging them to work from home. A good friend of mine works on the great ABC show mad as hell and they had a serious discussion yesterday, apparently. They're gonna continue without a studio audience Well, now I don't know at what point like from next week I will just wind it up. That is sort of monitoring that as everyone is like I know that I know

Unknown Speaker 16:09

there are a lot of festivals Wayne, Ellen Ellen's deep Nicks her audience in America and I know there there's not a lot of people in the audience's for coal barons, Seth and

Unknown Speaker 16:19

his own still bringing out anyone from YouTube like an actual ad on his son like kid who did a dance on a wholesale ad.

Unknown Speaker 16:27

Imagine if you were that kid who wore bright sneakers to school that day at tik tok that blew up and went to Elon to go on Elon and there was no one in the audience to celebrate

Unknown Speaker 16:37

the warm up guy even if there's not an actual like

Unknown Speaker 16:42

that would be a union job, sir.

Unknown Speaker 16:45

Warming up when a

Unknown Speaker 16:50

guy makes a joke.

Unknown Speaker 16:51

Yeah. Let me ask a philosophical question here.

Unknown Speaker 16:54

I mean, I've done often comedy shows with a very thin audience. Well, it's

Unknown Speaker 16:59

a good idea. For the comedy festival when no one's gonna come to the irrational fear show and now at least we can blame it on something. It

Unknown Speaker 17:05

sounds a lot like oh yeah, actually last week's episode was the best one ever. It just wasn't

Unknown Speaker 17:11

I mean, this week's episode nightly didn't do you know what it's like to perform

Unknown Speaker 17:17

without a TV audience actually without any other

Unknown Speaker 17:19

one that just cracks me up even though it's awful is sport. You mentioned the NBA. Yeah, Italy's banned all its soccer fixtures or like professional matches, not the matches just the audience. Yeah. So I still, there's two things I love about this one. Do they still sing the anthem?

Unknown Speaker 17:38

Last night last night the Matilda's the string soccer team qualified for the Tokyo Olympics against Vietnam in Vietnam. They played to an empty stadium. They sat out and sang the anthem to begin with.

Unknown Speaker 17:51

Okay, this is because normally Eric and a lot of athletes really rely on the crowd to do the heavy lifting. Yeah, they can't think of a sheet. Most of them. Don't know that. How

Unknown Speaker 18:00

did they go when there's no one around? They seem to do okay. Yeah. But also it was a very it was a very wide shot. So I could I didn't they didn't do the full cut ups on the lips. I couldn't I couldn't judge.

Unknown Speaker 18:10

And then the second thing that I'm looking forward to, especially in the European soccer leagues, is gold celebrations. How much do you really feed off the energy of the crowd? If you're doing a backflip and getting your shirt off and do it? Do you still do that when you know there's no one there to see it?

Unknown Speaker 18:26

Now? You just kidding. Got one. Yeah.

Unknown Speaker 18:31

Let's go back to the middle.

Unknown Speaker 18:33

I got one more thing. No.

Unknown Speaker 18:40

She's back in the penguin. The whole thing. She put the bat in the bank, an agent or

Unknown Speaker 18:50

an agent the whole thing up.

Unknown Speaker 18:59

Sorry, I just saw I'm gonna actually have to

Unknown Speaker 19:03

know what that song is. But I do know that without put out a

Unknown Speaker 19:08

sign if anyone does a parody of that,

Unknown Speaker 19:10

wash your hands and refrain from releasing parody songs

Unknown Speaker 19:13

a little later on, we'll have Bernie Sanders and he'll be discussing what he went through for the Democratic primaries. But soon we'll be discussing when a national bushfire recovery fund isn't a national bushfire recovery fund, but right now, he's a real expert on Corona virus. It's friend of the show, epidemiologist professor, Hilary bendrick.

Unknown Speaker 19:31

Thanks, Dan.

Unknown Speaker 19:32

Now, how is Kovac 19 for you, as someone who's an epidemiologist, I assume that it's like Christmas for epidemiologists. Right?

Unknown Speaker 19:43

Well, thankfully, I'm not that kind of epidemiologist. So I'm quite well, well protected. I get to sit up sit at my desk and and look at numbers and patterns. But there are some epidemiologists out there who are actually doing the what we called applied epidemiology where they're out in the thick of it, so Amongst

Unknown Speaker 20:00

now broadly speaking, we hear a lot of so called experts on on 2g Bay and and Sky News. Tell us what we should be thinking about when it comes to coronavirus on fox news that you've been downplaying covert 19 to maybe what could be seemed to be dangerous levels of reporting to kind of minimising the threat. What do you think that happy balance is in communicating the dangers of coronavirus? 90?

Unknown Speaker 20:24

Yeah, that's not that's a really good question. Because it is something that for many people won't actually be a serious infection. But for a large number of people in the community, they are actually at increased risk. So if you're if you're older, if you have a number of what we call comorbidities, you know, chronic disease going on. If your immune suppressed, then then it is actually pretty serious. So I guess, you know, it's not a serious issue for you if for you personally if you're not one of those people, but we all actually have a part to play in terms of protecting everyone else around us. And I have to say that I'm not sure whether to be heartened or terrified by the absence of soap on the supermarket. When I was shopping the other night, because it made me wonder, you know why it's great that people have got the message that hand washing is good, but it made me wonder what were they doing beforehand?

Unknown Speaker 21:11

Exactly. I mean on such a big nose pickup myself. I've had to put restrictions on the times I pick my nose you know, I make sure I pick get a good pick in after I do some hand washing for I sanitise my hand, but I assume that would be bad anyway because I'm sure there's diseases that my nose has already trapped and they're just going straight into my fingers.

Unknown Speaker 21:31

Well, and from a public health perspective, we you know, I asked you on behalf of Australia to also sanitise your hands after you've picked your nose as well.

Unknown Speaker 21:40

Right? Okay, I'm only thinking about myself, always thinking about myself. Now you actually made a good point about thinking about for for folks who may have symptoms or may be concerned about their own health to think about the people in their lives, who may be more vulnerable. What kind of things do you think people should be? Considering,

Unknown Speaker 22:00

well certainly if you're unwell do stay away from stay away from other people avoid going to work where you can look, nobody is indispensable from from their from their job, and your colleagues are not going to thank you if you make them sick. And this is a message I give out to my staff every flu season as well, you know, if you're sick, please don't turn up. If you've been asked to self isolate, don't go and do a mad rush last minute shop at your local supermarket. I mean, we've seen that happening, please just ask somebody else to go get you, you know, hand down some toilet paper for you or hand sanitizer, whatever it is that you need in a baked beans. But don't go out and do it yourself. So if you know do take this seriously. And the whole idea at this stage is we're very unlikely to actually stop the corona virus in its tracks and have it you know, it is something that is going to be much more widespread in our community. So the whole plan at the moment is to avoid that massive peak of infection. And basically, we don't want to overwhelm the health system. So the whole idea is to sort of Right out there the rate at which people are getting infected, slow it down so that our health system can actually cope.

Unknown Speaker 23:06

You're on the climate council as well. Is there any correlation? Or what's the link between diseases and pandemics like this and a warming planet? Is there any?

Unknown Speaker 23:17

Look, I wouldn't say so for for Corona virus but there is some indication that you know, the the ambient temperature and humidity and so on may play a part in how some diseases are transmitted including Corona virus, but I'd say it's very early days yet to say what that might be. of more concern is that, you know, it seems to be more readily transmitted where people are, you know, hanging around indoors, for example. So we'd see similarly with flu season, that it's actually sort of the the colder months that are of a risk at greater risk in terms of where people are hanging out

Unknown Speaker 23:55

what you said what you're saying, Hillary is that our Melbourne Comedy Festival show in three weeks time you He's going to be a fantastic incubator for not only culture of comedy, but cultural

Unknown Speaker 24:05

coronavirus.

Unknown Speaker 24:09

I understand what's one interesting stat about Kovac 19, that you've been wowed by over the last few weeks of looking at this virus take home around the world,

Unknown Speaker 24:18

something that's impressed me the most, is that infection numbers and numbers of people dying are actually declining. In China, for example, while we're seeing sort of massively increasing rates of infection and people dying in Italy for as another sort of contrasting example, and I guess, thinking about the the ways that we manage these sorts of things, the rules put in place in China sort of you know, really lock lock places down seem quite extreme, but they do actually work like quarantine is something that does actually work. It's sort of you know, tried and true way of stopping spreading infection.

Unknown Speaker 24:54

I can't imagine that laissez faire attitude of your average Italian would would go so go Go down so well we've been

Unknown Speaker 25:01

missing in the hugging. Oh yeah

Unknown Speaker 25:02

the double kissing you have doubled the chance of getting coronavirus because young wah wah The Continental way. That's right. Oh my gosh, is it is it a crazy idea to stockpile toilet paper?

Unknown Speaker 25:17

Or Comedy Festival tickets perhaps might be it's not

Unknown Speaker 25:19

a crazy idea to stockpile to call the comedy festival in fact you can use your Comedy Festival ticket if you get it mailed to you as toilet paper before it comes to the show.

Unknown Speaker 25:27

That's right look look I think it shows how an imaginative Australians are when it comes to wiping our asses or cleaning our asses. So you know if we Italy's not suffering for example, from a shortage of toilet paper, are they because they've all got their their birthdays in their in their bathrooms instead of toilet paper and look you will find on the internet if you're feeling a little bit inclined that you'd prefer a little bit of a bit of a wash rather than a wipe. There are instructions on the internet on how to convert your own toilet into with a sort of a bead a attachment. it's um it's basically you know a bit bit of a hose and a squat. In a gun and away you go.

Unknown Speaker 26:02

That's great. I love the idea that people's houses are gonna have shortage of garden hose but not for making bombs but they're making good days sometimes. So

Unknown Speaker 26:13

let's go Oh, what are you doing? You make it a bomb

Unknown Speaker 26:15

now make it a day. Let me

Unknown Speaker 26:18

wash my bomb. God, is there one tip you want to impart to people one bit of advice you want to party people, but before you go,

Unknown Speaker 26:27

Oh, yeah, well, maybe it may be a couple actually. I guess wash your hands. Get your kids to wash their hands. Don't maybe stop shaking hands. You can do the fist bump instead or you know some of us were talking about doing the back bump but that might be a bit overly familiar for some people. And I guess some Yeah, just be be courteous, be kind. Not everyone's got an amazing immune system and this will be something that affects people.

Unknown Speaker 26:50

I had a lady I was walking down the street. I was walking to Oxford Street two days ago, and I stroked my bead and subconsciously and a lady kind of like rushed hen metres towards me and said thank you so much in a sarcastic way and then stroked her own face. I'm like, What are you doing? Like I just stroke my beard unintentionally you intentionally stroke to your face by making fun of me for stroking my face.

Unknown Speaker 27:17

Do you think so?

Unknown Speaker 27:19

You probably find you actually stroke up at about 30 times an hour without realising.

Unknown Speaker 27:24

I. You know, I've been arguing my panda loves my beard, but I've been arguing with her that I should shave it off because I'll probably touch my face less.

Unknown Speaker 27:32

Well, he might find it so smooth and delightful that you touch it more

Unknown Speaker 27:35

understandably for her. I look better with it because I'm just extremely fat. It really hides my double chin.

Unknown Speaker 27:44

Thanks, professor.

Unknown Speaker 27:45

No worries. Thanks, Dan.

Unknown Speaker 27:48

most extraordinary flirt piece in your flirting with a wall talking about how much your wife loves you.

Unknown Speaker 27:54

Not to brag, but I look really bad.

Unknown Speaker 27:58

Nothing better than bringing up issue with someone who can't see you as okay. She's like, I'm not gonna comment on that.

Unknown Speaker 28:06

Here's referred refused. She did well, very small

Unknown Speaker 28:09

anecdote about the person in the street. Yeah, it is true. There are some very, very powerful

Unknown Speaker 28:16

passive aggressiveness out there.

Unknown Speaker 28:18

The most extraordinary little encounter this week I, this might be a slight overshare but I just been a pathologist for some fertility testing. And they'd given me this little cup and it was sort of in a very medical looking bag and after I left with it, I went into the corner shop. And this man,

Unknown Speaker 28:36

there's no way you meant to fill it. If you're

Unknown Speaker 28:44

a painter, and recently I'll give you some tips.

Unknown Speaker 28:46

The whole wall of Pringles in the very arousing so I like to go there, but he just saw me carry anything looking vaguely medical immediately assumed coronavirus and ordered me to get out of the shop and I just had like the perfect comeback. I sort of embarrassed him But no, no, no, I need to masturbate in to show you. I'm happy not to do it in your shop. But I assure you it's nothing Corona related. But just the smallest thing that looks vaguely medical is now assumed to be Karina.

Unknown Speaker 29:20

I reckon given that visual I would ask you that

Unknown Speaker 29:24

I think of as eataly right now.

Unknown Speaker 29:27

irrational fear and I haven't touched my face in weeks and weeks.

Unknown Speaker 29:31

Back in January six Scott Morrison stood at a press conference and announced a national bushfire recovery fund of about $2 billion, but this week in senate estimates it was discovered that it didn't exist Louis, this is your favourite story of the week?

Unknown Speaker 29:46

Well, I mean, I don't know if it's my favourite I found it quite chilling. If I'm honest, like I think that the coronavirus obviously taking up all of our time and all the media, it could not have come at a better time for Scott Morrison. really like it. All of the things that it is glossing over the sports rights Angus Taylor, and now they like the they basically, if you just catch up on the story, he was under a lot of pressure it the whole Hawaiian crisis was there. And he just stood up and was like, well, we're gonna give $2 billion to the bushfire and put out an ad. Yeah, that's right. They put out that crazy ad, which potentially,

Unknown Speaker 30:21

people said, Oh, well, from holiday. He's doing something. He's given 2 billion. Maybe he's got this.

Unknown Speaker 30:26

Yeah. And so then they went through sentences. And they there's there's a revised budget here, which is looking for this 2 billion with a B billion dollars that you promised, and we can't see it. and nice. And the response from the coalition was well, it's a notional Fund, which they then dug into notional meaning speculative, theoretical, or only in the mind, which is truly is the art like we were there was notional. There was a notional surplus, yet this notional notional emergency fund thing, like, it's like shredding is funding. If you look at it, it disappears. It's

Unknown Speaker 31:04

like we're being gas lit.

Unknown Speaker 31:07

Like I dated this guy.

Unknown Speaker 31:11

I totally told you I was dating someone else.

Unknown Speaker 31:16

I notionally propose to you.

Unknown Speaker 31:19

It's it's stunning. And I absolutely. In any other time, this would this would undo a government and right now, the fact that he's been able to go, Well, I've just promised another 17 billion and you're like,

Unknown Speaker 31:32

Well, have you?

Unknown Speaker 31:34

Yeah, we don't even know Will you?

Unknown Speaker 31:36

Will it extend out to 22 billion and journalists on each case about it and every question i pit against Angus Tyler and sports words, he just goes no, we're not dealing with that we're gonna do with Corona right now. And Corona becomes the thing that he can totally get rid of any other question about any I

Unknown Speaker 31:52

mean, always say how good Corona is for the anti social people but for governments with something in the heart, it is amazing. I mean, this can't last long enough for this government. It's The only thing that probably is gonna, you know, save him in the eyes of Australian people. Trump, by contrast, you think, you know he's got his own problems, but then just having survived an impeachment. You think he'd want to go full on scare fearful with it, but he's sort of gone the opposite direction bizarrely and sort of pretending has nothing

Unknown Speaker 32:18

to see. And I think there's a major problem there because Fox News, they're doing the same. They're like copying him and kind of saying minimising the threat to the point where it's dangerous because the only people that watch fox news are old people, and they and they're the most paid. They're the most vulnerable people most at risk from dying of Corona and if I don't think it's a real issue,

Unknown Speaker 32:36

then they're gonna be they're gonna be dead. If all they will start dying. It's gonna be bad news for the coalition because I won't have any voters. The only other people it's really in effect is the IBC there'll be no one left to watch it. Gardening Australia will just be Costa will just be watching it at home himself. I mean, grand designs, you know, who's watching grand designs if Karina takes over and over 65

Unknown Speaker 32:58

Well, one person who is very clearly upset With Corona, and other things in his world, his senator Bernie Sanders and I spoke to him earlier this week. Joining us now from his Vermont headquarters, his Democratic presidential candidate, Senator Bernie Sanders, Senator Sanders, have this week's results at all diminished your enthusiasm at all for this presidential race.

Unknown Speaker 33:17

You'll know what my enthusiasm has not diminished at all. There is still work to be done. I'm just excited I still have a job with with medical benefits that will see me through the corona virus outbreak. Well

Unknown Speaker 33:30

send it out. Good luck out there and I hope you don't get infected.

Unknown Speaker 33:32

Well, you know what, I cannot possibly get get infected then because I have the vaccine. Oh, I didn't know there was a vaccine. Well, of course it's a vaccine. You make a virus you make a vaccine.

Unknown Speaker 33:43

Senator, are you saying that you invented

Unknown Speaker 33:45

Corona virus? Let me be clear. Yeah. Let me be very clear. This is Plan B for Bernie. I didn't want to enact it. What the mainstream media msnbc cnn but BNC they made me do it coronavirus will be The biggest wealth redistribution policy of the last hundred years you see a disproportionately affects the older generation 99% of the 1% or 100%. Older as fuck you understand, excuse my language, it's simple, but boomers will get sick. And now money will trickle down to the younger generations for the working people. All of the countries in Europe are doing it. It's very big in Italy, in Iran and China, those last countries and actually in Europe. My the words the United States of America not let's not forget that. Now. This is a message to the DNC and the super delegates out there. You're all listening. You want to live let democracy take hold. The person who gets the most votes should win. A vote for Bernie is a vote for a universal vaccine. I'm Bernie Sanders on I approve this message.

Unknown Speaker 34:45

Well, then yeah, I think for all our sakes, I I

Unknown Speaker 34:48

hope you are the Democratic nominee. Thank you very much done. I appreciate the call. Thank you, Benny.

Unknown Speaker 34:53

has good chat with Danny. Well, thank you very much for joining us for irrational fear. Once again. It's very awesome of you Make your way in here despite the coronavirus

Unknown Speaker 35:04

just want to apologise if I've used up the entire toilet?

Unknown Speaker 35:09

I haven't had any for the last two weeks. Thank you for humouring me while I watched two weeks worth of shit.

Unknown Speaker 35:15

We are back weekly until our Comedy Festival show so please head to our Patreon give us a few bucks to make this show happen. It costs us quite a bit of time and some money every week to

Unknown Speaker 35:24

get working out of and Scott can inside.

Unknown Speaker 35:27

Yeah, we've already put out two shots

Unknown Speaker 35:29

and we recorded more than

Unknown Speaker 35:32

two hour. Special thanks to Rupa Degas Jacob round FBI radio and I'll see amongst tonight Louis harbour Chris Taylor bridey Connell, do you guys have anything to plug in? Oh

Unknown Speaker 35:46

yeah, he's the guest spots in shows that will probably be cancelled in Melbourne International.

Unknown Speaker 35:52

Dan, I'll be back next week and I'm on radio every day you can listen to plug it you know, listen Oh,

Unknown Speaker 36:00

I'd like to plug

Unknown Speaker 36:00

my site 3pm

Unknown Speaker 36:03

Triple J listen in I don't know

Unknown Speaker 36:05

you pay for it you might have to listen to Patreon.

Unknown Speaker 36:10

In the meantime, there's always something to be scared of good night. We will leave you with the latest from news fighters in the coronavirus from DJ diabolical

Transcribed by https://otter.ai