Desperation: listener question

I’m writing you because I am desperate. Since the days before 3P, when I was in a constant state of desperation, living from one therapy session to another, I haven’t been so desperate. It feels like total regression.

I reached a point of total hopelessness. You say it’s something good, but it feels just awful. I took your advice and let the topic of weight loss rest for the duration of the Home course. This showed me a total unhappiness I am living in, like being totally separated from life. Or maybe I cannot be separate from life, but I don’t want the things life gives me, I fight with them, and I can’t stop myself from fighting. My whole day is a fight and desperation and not wanting to.

It's like realising in what dark place I was living all the time, now not being able to paint over it with hope and looking for a good feeling or looking for the innate wellbeing. Is there even such a thing, or is this just another nice sounding concept?

And yes, I want this to go away, and you say, this is what keeps it in place. I get that, so here again no hope at all, because how could I honestly not want the suffering to go away? I can’t imagine.

I don’t even have a question, because the only thing I would want now is for all this to go away and for me to finally be happy. And this is the suffering.

I also would like to understand something, but it seems to me that I just don’t get anything. I don’t know what is true, well what I wrote is true for me at the moment. And this other truth you talk about, I don’t know what this is, I don’t know what this would even help, if I am an entity controlled by a program. The more I think about it, the more it gets confusing.

If the system does what the system does, and only an understanding of the system might change the system or not, who does this understanding, and if there is no self, who has this conversation anyway, and what is there to be seen anyway? It seems to me I understand nothing. All I know is there is this heaviness in the body and tears.

Thank you for reading, it’s good to have someone to write to.