367. The Neuroscience of Social Connection feat. Amy Banks

Despite our culture of rugged individualism, it’s widely accepted among psychologists today that we need social connections to thrive. And neuroscience may be the key to understanding how relationships impact us on a physiological level.

Amy Banks is the founding scholar at the International Center for Growth in Connection. Her book, Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brain Science and Strong, Healthy Relationships, delves into the neuroscience of social connections and provides a toolkit for bettering the relationships in our life. 

Amy and Greg discuss why connection is fundamental to humans, Amy’s brain pathway acronym CARE, and how to repair relationships in your life so that they are more fulfilling.  

*unSILOed Podcast is produced by University FM.*

Episode Quotes:

Is there something that we can do to make people less anxiety inducing?

17:19: In a relationship that ranks pretty low on the Calm scale, it could be you, it could be them, and it could be some confluence of both of you. But what's important is having a snapshot of that. If it is the relationship actually that doesn't feel supportive, safe, where there's not a lot of mutuality, where there's not a lot of listening in addition to talking, when it doesn't have those qualities, then in order for your health and well-being to thrive, if you will, you got to have some other people. You got to have some other people to offset it, you know, we're heading into the holidays, and it often happens around families, right? Where you might be demanded or need to be someplace with people that maybe necessarily aren't on the same wavelength that you are, right? 

How can you assess the emotions you make others feel?

13:28: When do we ever ask people, 'How do I make you feel?' That actually would be a really fruitful conversation to have with a friend or relative. Or, 'You look anxious. Do I make you anxious? Is there something I do that makes you anxious?' We don't have those kinds of relational conversations.

Where did we ever get the notion that relationships were secondary? 

02:54: Our entire culture was built on this notion of separation, individuation, stand on your own two feet, and we have such a robust history, literally, politically, and psychologically, developmentally, of believing that to be the case. We've created an economic system around capitalism. That's all about competition and the survival of the fittest. There's so much that's still Darwinian in the way that we think human beings work.

The untapped potential of marginal relationships

40:41: There are a lot of marginal relationships where, once you begin to understand what the qualities of a healthy relationship are, you can begin to try to have conversations that point in that direction and see who's open to trying to interact differently. There's a lot that you can do with marginal relationships that is really more out of social ignorance, not being taught, and not malevolence when I talk to people about this. And when I do my teachings, people by and large are just relieved to hear this news about relationships, and it gives them some guideposts to begin to think about how they might try to shift, change, or grow the relationships that maybe aren't as satisfying as they would like them to be.

Show Links:

Recommended Resources:

• Jean Baker Miller
• Stephen Porges
• Brain Lock, Twentieth Anniversary Edition: Free Yourself from Obsessive-Compulsive Behavior by Jeffrey M. Schwartz

Guest Profile:

• The International Center for Growth in Connection
• Professional Website

Her Work:

• Wired to Connect: The Surprising Link Between Brain Science and Strong, Healthy Relationships
• Fighting Time

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