One Choice Away: Justin and Trisha Davis on Marriage, Forgiveness, and the Enneagram (Types 8 & 3)

Sep 25, 2025

Justin Davis, a pastor and co-founder of RefineUs Ministries, and Trisha Davis, also a pastor and author, share their powerful journey through marriage struggles. They discuss the nuances of their Enneagram types—Eights and Threes—unpacking how these dynamics played out in their relationship. The couple reflects on the importance of vulnerability, healing through grief, and the non-linear process of forgiveness. Their insights offer practical steps for anyone seeking to transform their relationships through intentional choices and genuine presence.

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ADVICE

Choose True Vulnerability

Do practice honest vulnerability rather than strategic or performative openness.
Allow accountability and authentic confession to replace the facade of perfection.

ANECDOTE

Ministry Pressure Preceded Collapse

Their ministry-driven drive and lack of Enneagram language set them up for volatility and eruption.
The combination of Justin's need to protect and Trisha's achievement pressure helped fuel their marriage implosion in 2005.

ANECDOTE

Hiddenness Before The Affair

Justin resisted asking for help because he equated it with weakness and feared loss of status.
That hiddenness and refusal to seek help preceded the 2005 affair and the marriage's implosion.

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Today, we're joined by Justin (8w7) and Trisha Davis (3w2), a couple whose story holds both heartbreak and a hard-won hope. We talk honestly about the Eight–Three dance in marriage—intensity, drive, image, and protection—and how those same strengths can be magic when we're healthy and toxic when we're not.

We also dive into their new book, One Choice Away from Change: Break the Cycles that Hurt Your Relationships and Hold You Back. They remind us that real transformation isn't about muscling through—it's about naming the wound, choosing presence over performance, and practicing honest vulnerability.

Justin shares how confusing help with weakness fueled secrecy and performance—and how grief became a doorway to healing. Trisha reflects on the Three's chameleon move, learning to show up without over-achieving, and a wise reframing of the Enneagram as "not a weapon and not an excuse." Together, they walk us through surviving an affair, pastoring through COVID, late-in-life family revelations, and the truth that forgiveness is not a one-and-done event. Their North Star: when they're healthy, they're magic; when they're not, they're toxic—and daily choices make the difference.

If you've tried to achieve your way out of pain or sprinted past grief because it felt inefficient, this conversation will meet you in the messy middle. We explore relief vs. recovery, acting our way into new feelings, and why you can't heal a wound you won't name. It's tender, practical, and full of hope. I hope you'll tune in.

About our guests

Justin and Trisha Davis are pastors, authors, speakers, and the founders of RefineUs Ministries. They're not perfect. They're not interested in pretending. They are passionate about helping others experience real healing and deeper connection.

Together, they co-authored Beyond Ordinary: When a Good Marriage Just Isn't Good Enough, and Justin's book Being Real > Being Perfect: How Transparency Leads to Transformation is a USA Today bestseller. Justin and Trisha have been married for 30 years, have five kids and live in Indianapolis.

One Choice Away from Change — available wherever books are sold

Justin & Trisha's Website: http://justinandtrisha.com