Love: one-hundred-thousand times

I have been reflecting on the nature of practice-awakening. In the Buddhist tradition this refers to the process (both sudden and gradual) of realizing our fundamental wellbeing. This is a transformational practice. This is a healing practice. And it is mysterious. It doesn’t happen in the way that we expect.

Insights happen, and then are forgotten. Love is awakened and then seemingly covered over. Only to be rediscovered again. We can read the same teaching years later and feel like it opens a new level of depth, or is actually just what we needed to hear in that moment.

The ancients spoke of stabilizing our insights, of familiarizing ourselves with the love, peace and understanding that we are.

I am reading a book by Carol Gilligan called The Birth of Pleasure. In it Gilligan is using the myth of Psyche and Eros, to talk about the development of the psyche in women. She is also writing about relationship and the maturing of love. As I was reading I encountered a short paragraph where she introduced research between mothers and infants that revealed the relational attunement present at this early stage of our development. She spoke of how the research challenged assumptions of separation.

Their research was challenging an orthodoxy of separation (we are born alone, we die alone) by revealing a reality of relationship. Finding and losing and finding again. This is the rhythm of relationship, played over and over again in the games that delight babies and young children. It is the rhythm of love.—Carol Gilligan, Birth of Pleasure

When I read this, I heard dharma practice instructions. That is the thing about immersing in the dharma, we hear it, we see it—everywhere.

How many of us have this orthodoxy of separation ingrained in us? Who think thoughts or hold beliefs that—we are alone? We are separate from the rest of the world? That no one understands us? That we are unloveable or exiled in some way?

The dharma challenges this orthodoxy, by revealing a reality of relationship.

We can wake-up to the reality of interconnection, of non-separation.

Practice is that finding and losing and finding again. Its the rhythm of love that delighted us as children. Its something we know deeply.

We are never apart from it, but we get lost, as humans do. And then get found.

A coin that is lost in the river, is found in the river.—Zen Koan

We are that coin. Our true nature is that coin. And actually we are the river too, where nothing is ever lost. Its always right here.

In the Tibetan tradition you do practices a one-hundred-thousand times as part of the preliminary practices, called ngondro, this includes prayers, refuge practices, bows, atonement and offerings practices. I have a little taste of this from the studies I did at Tara Mandala. You keep a practice log, and you actually count.

Part of the theory being that once you do it thousands of times, its in you. Faith, determination and trust are born through the practice of return. We actualize the rhythm of love that we delighted in as children.

Isn’t it delightful to rediscover the refuge of our breath, to reconnect with the stability and openness of our original heart?

In the Zen tradition we have our own expression of this. Throughout the course of a retreat or a residential period, you will do 100s or 1000s of bows and hours of meditation. You will chant the same chants, participate in the same ceremonies, over and over again. Hogen used to say if you train at Great Vow Zen Monastery for at least 7 years—the dharma is in your bones. Ten or more years of dedicated lay practice that includes sesshin has a similar kind of embodied resonance.

Part of the point here is the repetition. If we lose and find ourselves one-hundred-thousand times, we will start to trust the practice—we start to trust those periods of feeling lost, afraid or anxious as part of the rhythm of love—part of the rhythm of being.

We will start to have a kind of experiential faith that love is us. That we are never apart from openness. That the peace we seek is really right here.

one-hundred-thousand returns to loving kindness and kindness becomes more the ground from which we live

The recognition, the experience of love, of ease, of understanding, takes an instant. But the true developing of the refuge takes time— perhaps one-hundred-thousand times or more.

And we still get angry, we still get anxious—but our response is closer to the actual experience. We can feel the anxiety with kindness and openness, with curiosity and humility—and that changes everything.

Sometimes we think, it must not be working if i still have to practice, if there is still this much anger. But this is the human realm, we live in a world with anger, with hatred, with loss and pain. Practice is an orientation of the heart, it’s learning more and more to dwell with life as it actually is.

Over the past year we have been reciting Ken McLeod’s version of the Four Immeasureables prayer at Mud Lotus Sangha. I share it here, may you chant it 100k times until every cell in your body knows the truth behind these words.

Four Immeasurables

Equanimity

May I be free from preference and prejudice.May I know things just as they are.May I experience the world knowing me just as I am.May I see into whatever arises.

Loving kindness

May I be happy, well, and at peace.May I open to things just as they are.May I experience the world opening to me just as I am.May I welcome whatever arises.

Compassion

May I be free of suffering, harm, and disturbance.May I accept things just as they are.May I experience the world accepting me just as I am.May I serve whatever arises.

Joy

May I enjoy the activities of life itself.May I enjoy things just as they are.May I experience the world taking joy in all that I do.May I know what to do, whatever arises.

…

I’m Amy Kisei. I am a Zen Buddhist Teacher, Spiritual Counselor, Astrologer and Artist. I offer 1:1 Spiritual Counseling sessions using IFS and somatic mindfulness. I also offer astrology readings. Check out my website to learn more. I currently live in Columbus, OH and am a supporting teacher for the Mud Lotus Sangha.

Summer Read— The Hidden Lamp: Stories from 25 Centuries of Awakened Women

Join me starting on the Summer Solstice, Friday June 20th for a summer read of the Hidden Lamp. I hand selected 15 stories from the book that we will explore over the course of the summer.

Weekly Online Meditation Event

Monday Night Dharma — 6P PT / 9P ET Join weekly for drop-in meditation and dharma talk. We are currently exploring supportive practice forms for engaging the dharma in life outside of retreat.

Feel free to join anytime. Event lasts about 1.5 hours. ZOOM LINK

Zen Practice opportunities through ZCO

Grasses, Trees and the Great Earth Sesshin—August 11 - 17, in-person at Great Vow Zen Monastery (this retreat is held outdoors, camping is encouraged but indoor dorm spaces are available)

In-Person in Columbus, Ohio through Mud Lotus Sangha

Interdependence Sesshin: A Five Day Residential Retreat Wednesday July 2 - Sunday July 6 in Montrose, WV at Saranam Retreat Center (Mud Lotus is hosting its first Sesshin!) Currently full, contact me to be added to the waitlist.

Weekly Meditations on Tuesday, Wednesday and Thursday

This is a public episode. If you'd like to discuss this with other subscribers or get access to bonus episodes, visit amykisei.substack.com/subscribe