Diverse Thinking Different Learning Ep. 255: How to Talk to Siblings About Neurodiversity with Liz Angoff, Ph.D.
Join us for this episode of Diverse Thinking, Different Learning as we welcome Liz Angoff Ph.D. to the podcast. Dr. Angoff is a Licensed Educational Psychologist and Diplomate in School Neuropsychology who offers assessment and consultation services for children and families in the Bay Area, California. She wrote the Brain Building Books series and Our Brains, which help neurodivergent children better understand, appreciate, and advocate for their unique minds. Learn more about Dr. Liz and her work at her Explaining Brains website.
Throughout our conversation, we talk about how when one child in a family is identified as neurodivergent, the focus understandably shifts to evaluations, therapies, and advocacy, but what about the sibling who is watching it all unfold, quietly forming their own explanations about meltdowns, extra appointments, and uneven attention? We discuss why children are natural "meaning makers" and what can happen when adults leave gaps in the story. Dr. Angoff explains her approach to sharing diagnoses - starting with asking the neurodivergent child for permission before telling a sibling.
Dr. Angoff also walks us through how to translate assessment results into language that kids can actually use, including her "highways and construction projects" metaphor for strengths and challenges. Hear how this shared framework reduces blame, increases empathy, and helps siblings see both themselves and each other more clearly. We also address the real questions siblings ask: Why does my brother get more attention than I do? Is this my fault? Does that mean I have it too?
Dr. Angoff offers some practical scripts for validating those feelings while reinforcing a powerful message: attention may shift, but love is absolutely not divided. The conversation also covers privacy and how to treat a diagnosis as the child's story to share, as well as how to equip siblings with the language to explain differences to friends without making them responsible for managing everything.
Perhaps most importantly, this episode of the show really reframes these talks as an ongoing process rather than a one-time thing. As children grow, their questions change, and so should the conversation. If you're raising neurodivergent kids and want every child in your family to feel informed, valued, and included, this discussion with Dr. Liz Angoff will surely give you the language, perspective, and practical tools to start!
Show Notes: [2:40] - Dr. Angoff talks about how inviting kids into diagnostic conversations naturally raises questions about siblings. [3:00] - Without clear explanations, siblings often invent their own stories regarding what's happening. [3:43] - Early conversations can help reshape harmful narratives and prevent siblings from forming inaccurate roles. [6:00] - Dr. Angoff reflects on how families work best when kids own their story and guide what others learn. [9:36] - Dr. Angoff asserts that concrete, age-appropriate examples can help siblings grasp complicated diagnoses. [10:54] - Dr. Angoff discusses how using shared brain metaphors leads to empathy and mutual understanding between siblings. [13:08] - Highlighting strengths and "construction projects" can help siblings respond with empathy. [16:04] - Dr. Angoff explains how shared brain language reduces blame while ensuring that every child's needs matter. [19:04] - Dr. Angoff explains how openness and reassurance can help siblings feel valued despite unequal attention. [22:03] - Even when attention shifts, love remains constant and intentional! [23:23] - Dr. Angoff asserts that honest conversations can help prevent siblings from believing that they matter less. [25:30] - Families protect diagnostic privacy while equipping siblings to respond confidently! [28:54] - Descriptive explanations of behaviors can help siblings understand and support each other! [29:19] - Dr. Angoff believes that siblings should share responsibility for advocacy while also seeking adult help when overwhelmed. [30:58] - Conversations around diagnosis should happen gradually, focusing on practical and present needs. [33:04] - Hear how stories, visuals, and resources can help families explain neurodiversity in accessible ways. [34:00] - Dr. Angoff believes that empowering language around neurodivergence helps support positive family narratives and understanding.
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