Listener question : I don't know how to stop the control and let life get messy

Listener question: 

My 'nice' life (the exact opposite of a messy life) - all a dance of protection and control. Keep life on an even keel! Don't ruffle feathers! It feels like I just havent been present to much of it. Always somewhere else and taking the CEO position of managing the NICE Life Corporation very seriously.

So tedious, boring and ludicrous. Should be a relief that I don't have to do it anymore but writing this ut just seems like i don't  know how to let it get messy.

Some stuff just needs to explode through. Biggy is around my marriage that is Nicely manged and no real reason to end or fair to my hubby who adores me. Would really love to see this differently as we have so much good stuff between us. Just dont want to continue being NICE. Mirror mirror on the wall......want to bite his/my head off. Need a good raging rant or to get drunk which would be a first as NICE never allowed either of tbose!!!!

So where am I? Trying not to be NICE yet holding madly on and shit scared of what might be said out loud that shoudn't be aimed at anyone.