Dr Dame Katy Denise: My exclusive interview with the feminist icon

A rare audio interview with Dame Katy (transcript below) in which she bares ALL

We’re backstage at DKD’s one womxn show, in the Barnsley British Region for injured and infirm trans womxn veterans

Julie – it’s you! They said there was a lady wanting to see me.

(Shouts to security) I say Doreen - this ain’t no lady - its Julie! Tell her carer we’ll be 5 minutes max!

Dame Katy, I am beside myself with excitement, here I am in the venue, with a few of my lezzer friends, Talking about how brilliant it is the hour 1970s fashion choices now appear to be briefly trendy again, and I realise it’s you on the bill! I was told it was a Lynyrd Skynyrd tribute.

You were lucky to get past Doreen, Julie. I’ve just taken her on. She used to work for Chappell Roan but sadly she was a bit too heavy handed. I blame the parents, Doreen wasn’t to know that kiddie had brittle bone disease - a head lock never did me no harm!

I’d offer you a drink Julie but it looks like you’ve had enough! It’s so good to see you & always in that trusty cardi. What I’ve always said about you Julie is that you don’t give in to trends. Everyone’s jabbing away with the Ozempic and here’s you looking like you’ve spent a fortnight on an all inclusive in Benidorm. You’re not in the family way are you? I told you to steer clear of Pisshead Pat!

So I’m guessing you’re wanting another exclusive? Book sales flagging? I was sorry to hear about your last effort. The vicar said it was a book he couldn’t wait to put down! Oh by the way I saw your ex husband the other week, that James Dreyfus, he was outside Bargain Booze scratching around the bins trying to bum a fag. He said he’d do owt for £20 so I’ve got him coming to do the gutters next week.

Julie:

Thank you Dame Katy, can I just say how fabulous you look and what an amazing show! ‘Puppetry of the Shenis’. Who knew your meat and two veg could be so ambidextrous!

DKD:

Its attracting rave reviews Julie! There was a queue around the block on press night. You couldn’t move for celebrities - I was literally beating off a well known boy band desperate to see a glimpse of my opening. It all started one night when I was watching Channel 4 and this lady, (sporting one of Cher’s old wigs and a cheap blouse), was playing the keyboard with her micro penis - the crowd were lapping it up! Well I thought to myself, I’ve got a least 5 inches on her and if that’s what passes for entertainment these days then sign me up!

Fast forward a few months and here we are! It’s a 2 part show Julie, first half I do impressions with my shenis - Donald Trump, Noel Edmonds, Bob Marley - my ‘No Woman No Cry’ leaves folk speechless. Then second half I do expressionist dance to the Greatest Hits of Eurovision - I saw your little eyes light up when I whipped off my skirt during ‘Making Your Mind Up’ and you got to see my ‘Ding A Dong’. There’s a lot of talk of me transferring to Broadway - mind you, its’ me whose doing all the talking!

Julie:

What about politics Dame Katy. You were strongly rumoured to be standing in the next election.

DKD:

Standing? Is that a cheap dig? Anyway, it’s just a rumour Julie. Granted, I am one of the most impotent voices in queer politics right now but I saw how them Brighton gays treated poor Eddie Izzard. Apparently they saw her as just a joke candidate with a pink beret and a pair of plastic tits. Can you imagine if I won? Working in the House of Parliament? I could end up having a heated three way with Nigel Farage & Zack Polanski (Again!). I haven’t got the time anyway Julie, I’m helping out an old friend whose fallen on bad times. You remember that ex P.A turned struggling author pal of mine?

Julie:

JK Rowling?

DKD:

She who must not be named! Yes, well she’s only been telling folk her little wizarding hustle is being turned into a TV series. You’ve got to laugh! It’ll be like ‘Eldorado’ all over again. She’s a complete fantasist! But I said I’d help her out with the scripts so I’ve added a new character into the mix to get the green haired they/them brigade back on side. It’s a new Hogwarts Teacher who takes the Gender Queer Studies classes. She’s trans, she’s a doctor, a Pride of Britain award winner and an ex model.

As the series progresses, she takes centre stage with her magical powers - she can literally turn men into women just by saying it! Can you believe that? I know it’s a bit far fetched - it makes Stranger Things look like a documentary, but I reckon it will be a big hit with the LGBTQOMDU2+ community who enjoy living in a world of make believe. Some say TV has got too woke and we shouldn’t keep on forcing this queer manifesto down people’s throats, but I’m not complaining!

Julie:

I don’t know where you find the time Dame Katy. Million selling books, charity endeavours, script writing, cabaret shows... is there no start to your talents?

DKD

I surprise myself Julie! And you won’t believe this - the Royal Mail’s been in touch wanting to commemorate me on a stamp! My head literally being licked by thousands! Then there’s I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out of Here - but do I really want to be dropped into overgrown Australian bush? I bet you wouldn’t say no Julie! I’ll give it some thought; the money’s good but its them challenges that put me off - dark confined spaces, putting dodgy stuff in my mouth - I’m getting flashbacks to the toilets in Heaven 1997! Plus I wouldn’t want to risk them putting Boy George back on the show; his luxury item would be a radiator and I’d spend the next 3 week handcuffed to it like some trans Terry Waite!

Julie

Did you hear the news about your arch nemesis, Lynsay Watson?

DKD

Hear the news? I nearly laughed my bollocks off seeing her being bundled into the back of that Police van, Julie. Absolute state of it. I thought they were nicking Meatloaf at first! Worzel Gummidge’s hair was in better nick than that! I’ve seen some photo filters do some heavy lifting but that’s just taking the piss - proof positive that the camera does lie and you can polish a turd! To think she used to be a copper; I bet her helmet was always filthy! But I don’t hold a grudge Julie. Someone with skin that looks like the surface of Mars should be pitied really. Plus I’m not a vengeful woman (god strike down anyone one says I am), I’ve even bought a special chair for her, just needs a few hundred volts putting through it.

**knock at the door**

I don’t get a minute to myself. If that’s Fat Tony wanting to borrow 20 grand again they’ll be hell to pay. I’ve got to be up early as they’ve invited me back on Woman’s Hour to discuss the sticky subject of female sperm - apparently folk are resistant to talk about it as it always leaves a nasty taste in the mouth.

Watch how you go Julie, there’s a man in a beat up old Fiat 500 in the car park, I reckon he sleeps in it. Looks like the lovechild of Jimmy Saville with bad hair plugs, ranting and foaming at the mouth. Tells anyone that listens that he used to read the news on TV - I said ‘yeah, and I shagged Trevor McDonald!’.....

Doreen if you could see Julie out, AFTER she’s put my purse back!

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