#233 Navigating ADHD and Intimacy in a Relationship (with Dr. Ari Tuckman)

On this episode, I chat with Ari Tuckman, PsyD. Ari is a psychologist, international presenter, author, and ADHD thought leader. He has given more than 650 presentations and podcast interviews and routinely earns excellent reviews for his ability to make complicated information understandable and useful. He is the author of four books, including his most recent, “ADHD After Dark: Better Sex Life, Better Relationship”, "Understand Your Brain, Get More Done”, “More Attention, Less Deficit” and “Integrative Treatment for Adult ADHD”. He is a co-chair of CHADD’s conference committee and was awarded the 2023 Hall of Fame award for his significant contributions to the field. He is in private practice in West Chester, PA.

Key points

Ari's background and focus on ADHD in relationships

Ari Tuckman is a psychologist who has specialized in ADHD, particularly in adults, for over 25 years. He has become increasingly interested in the impact of ADHD on relationships and couples, as he felt this was an important but under-discussed aspect of the condition.

Prevalence and diagnosis of ADHD

Ari discusses the prevalence of ADHD, noting that it affects around 4-5% of adults. He explains that ADHD is often underdiagnosed in adults, as clinicians tend to focus more on identifying it in children. Ari also notes that there can be a "two-for-one" diagnosis, where a child's ADHD diagnosis leads a parent to realize they also have the condition.

Differences in ADHD symptoms between genders

Ari explains that the core ADHD symptoms are similar across genders, but the way ADHD manifests can differ due to societal expectations and gender roles. Women and girls may be more inclined to try to hide or compensate for their ADHD symptoms, while boys and men may have more "permission" to be openly disruptive.

Levels of ADHD severity and associated factors

Ari discusses how ADHD can vary in severity, and how other factors like anxiety, depression, substance use, and personal strengths/protective factors can impact the experience of ADHD. He notes that ADHD is not a one-size-fits-all condition.

ADHD and occupational/recreational interests

Ari shares that while there are some common occupational and recreational interests associated with ADHD (like sales), people with ADHD can thrive in a wide variety of fields if they find work that engages their interests and strengths.

ADHD and intimacy

Ari explains how ADHD can impact intimacy and , such as difficulty transitioning into a mindset or getting distracted during intimate moments. He emphasizes the importance of being intentional, flexible, and focused on the process rather than performance.

Strategies for managing ADHD in relationships

Ari provides several recommendations for partners of those with ADHD, including educating themselves on the condition, being intentional about scheduling and communication, and focusing on the positives and complementary strengths in the relationship rather than just the challenges.

Recap and closing thoughts

Ari and Cam conclude the discussion by emphasizing the importance of flexibility, creativity, and appreciating the unique strengths each partner brings to the relationship, even when there are significant differences like ADHD.

Relevant links:

Ari's website: ⁠https://adultadhdbook.com/speaking/⁠