Why Being a 'Good Woman' Is Making Women (and Men) Miserable

What does it really mean to be a “good woman”? For the controversial podcaster and writer Elise Loehnen, female goodness is a misery trap. And so reclaim their happiness, to make themselves whole, Loehnen says, women need to stop being good. The former goop executive and co-author of the upcoming Choosing Wholeness Over Goodness explains how the seven deadly sins reveal women's hidden conditioning, how the wellness industry became toxic, and why the Enneagram can help women embrace their full selves—including the darker, "unacceptable" parts they've been taught to suppress.

five key takeaways

1. The "Good Woman" Performance is Exhausting Women are conditioned to suppress basic human instincts—never being tired, needing no praise, having compliant bodies, avoiding anger—which requires enormous energy and is driven by fear of social rejection.

2. The Seven Deadly Sins Reveal Female Conditioning What society labels as "sins" (pride, envy, sloth, etc.) are actually normal human traits that women are taught to repress, creating a "punch card" for performing goodness to the world.

3. Women Police Each Other Through Envy Instead of recognizing envy as a signal pointing toward what we want, women often use it destructively to tear down other women who have what they desire—like the backlash against Goop.

4. The Drama Triangle Keeps Us Stuck Most people operate in victim-villain-hero dynamics, blaming others instead of taking responsibility. Breaking free requires recognizing these patterns and creating different conditions in your life.

5. Wholeness Beats Goodness True liberation comes from integrating all parts of yourself—including the "darker" aspects you've been taught to hide—rather than performing an impossible standard of perfection.

Elise Loehnen is a writer, editor, and podcast host who lives in Los Angeles with her husband, Rob, and their two sons, Max and Sam. She is the host of Pulling the Thread, a podcast focused on pulling apart the stories we tell about who we are—and then putting those threads back together.

Current Work & Recent Publications: Elise is the author of the New York Times bestseller On Our Best Behavior. She has co-written thirteen books, five of which were New York Times bestsellers, including True and False Magic with psychiatrist Phil Stutz. Her upcoming co-authored Choosing Wholeness Over Goodness will be published in August.

Podcast & Media: She hosts Pulling the Thread where she interviews cultural luminaries on the big questions of the day, including Dr. Gabor Maté, Dr. Temple Grandin, Dr. Harriet Lerner, Loretta Ross, Drs. John and Julie Gottman, Dr. Richard Schwartz, Joy Harjo, Dr. B.J. Miller, Nedra Tawwab, Dr. Suzanne Simard, Susan Cain, Heather McGhee, Dr. Riane Eisler, and Terry Real.

Professional Background: Previously, she was the chief content officer of goop, where she co-hosted The goop Podcast and The goop Lab on Netflix, and led the brand's content strategy and programming, including the launch of a magazine with Condé Nast and a book imprint. Prior to goop, she was the editorial projects director of Conde Nast Traveler. Before Traveler, she was the editor at large and ultimately deputy editor of Lucky Magazine, where she also served as the on-air spokesperson, appearing regularly on shows like Today, E!, Good Morning America, and The Early Show. She has a B.A. from Yale where she majored in English and Fine Arts.

Keen On America is a reader-supported publication. To receive new posts and support my work, consider becoming a free or paid subscriber.