When I feel the pain, judgement, worry, fear rising is that where I look? Listener question

Thank you so much for your response to my question about generational domestic abuse.  (May 27th) I'm listening to it again and again. 

I think I'm beginning to see more of what you're pointing to.   

After I separated from my children's dad, I went as "no contact" as was possible, but even the tiny bit of communication we had was fraught with fear from my side and anger from his. 

  I spent so much time attempting to forgive and release him and myself and yet it was only when I had a beautiful moment of clarity that everything changed.  

I saw so clearly that we were both innocent.  

I saw that he had done the very best he could.  That if he could have possibly done better he would have. 

And I saw the same for myself.  All the blame and guilt fell away.  Grace and peace were left and I fell into a space of such love.  Love and acceptance for him, for us and for the life we had created. 

A miracle happened without anything changing on the outside because from that moment on, our communication has been respectful and gentle.  He hasn't changed.  His relationship with our children and with his second wife hasn't changed but

He and I can meet and there is only peace and kindness.  When I see an old pattern begin to surface ...That's all it is.  Something to see, I have no judgement on it or interaction with it .... it passes and is gone.  No more games.  

This shift has already changed much in how I see my children and others and listening to your beautiful answer to my question about my son and daughter in law shows me the direction to look in.  It is clear to me that that there is more to see.  There is more to sit with.  There is more to Love. 

So I think my question is ...

When I feel the pain, judgement, worry, fear rising is that where I look?  Allowing the feelings to have full space in my body?  I get hazy here so if you can say more to this I'd be so grateful. 

I'm reading your book Well, and listening to you every day. 

Thank you, Clare, from the bottom of my heart.