Brave Love Great Sex – Couples Therapy Podcast 537: Stop Trying to Get it Right!
Mar 27, 2026
They explore the withdrawer's drive to “get it right” and how that creates avoidance cycles. Conversation covers lowering perfectionistic standards and choosing presence over performance. Role plays show misattunement and then realistic, repair-focused responses. Practical tips include small daily gestures, clearer communication, and redefining safety as being present.
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Withdrawers Inflate What’s Required To Feel Secure
- Withdrawers often inflate imagined expectations of what will satisfy their partner, which fuels guilt and avoidance.
- Stephen Bartlett realized his wife only needed small daily proofs of thought, not two-hour calls, which reduced his guilt and reactivity.
Performance Pressure Fuels The Withdrawer Cycle
- Withdrawer safety often depends on performance; failing to meet self-imposed standards triggers retreat.
- George Faller notes 'bad math' expectations create an impossible grind that leads to avoidance.
Set A Practical Minimum And Share It
- Do calculate a realistic 'enough' you can sustain and share it with your partner so they know you’re thinking of them.
- Bartlett used a five-minute daily call plus scattered 'proof of thought' texts to reassure his wife while traveling.
