Appearance and criticism: listener comment

I was overweighed and (in my eyes) unattractive since I was a kid. I went through periods of dieting and binging until about 12 years ago I fell in love with movement/fitness and when exercising stopped being a way to lose weight but something I simply etnjoyed; it made me feel good and gave me energy. The weight loss followed naturally and so did changes in what I ate. My whole body shape changed and I’d be getting a lot of compliments since and I also got to the point where I could have said I liked how I looked. I think, because of it, I was convinced, until today, that my “looks”/“weight” issue was gone. 

Part two: my partner is overweight and unfit. Fitness/movement is something he resists and struggles with. He recognises this struggle and resistance in himself. He had a major health scare and even that didn’t lead to any changes as far as diet or fitness. Any attempts have always been short lived. It is the only issue in our relationship. It upsets me. I thought the reason why it upsets me so deeply is because I am afraid of losing him (after that major health scare). It looks like it’s only partly true. 

Today, I noticed he put on weight again. I wanted to cry. I felt angry and upset at the same time but couldn’t because I had a Zoom call. Before the Zoom call I sat down and saw myself in camera and my arms in particular. I saw fat arms and I thought how fat and ugly they were. How fat I was (even though I am not fat generally!). I felt shocked and broken. I have not felt this way about myself in years and than it hit me. I did not stop having “looks”/

“weight” issues even though I lost weight years ago. I remained critical of myself since, I just wasn’t aware of it (until today)and the hatred of my fat arms/body I felt today and that self-criticism, is something I think I have been projecting on my partner for years. 

I don’t know what to ask to be frank, other than what do I do with this revelation? Go deeper into this feeling of fear and hatred?  It’s all very fresh and as shocking as it’s been, I’m glad it came out! I’d appreciate your input. Thank you!