Your Parenting Mojo - Respectful, research-based parenting ideas to help kids thrive

094: Using nonviolent communication to parent more peacefully

Jul 7, 2019

Christine King, a certified trainer in Nonviolent Communication and K–12 teacher, shares her insights on fostering peaceful parenting. She explains how NVC helps parents understand their children's needs and emotions, emphasizing the importance of power-sharing rather than control. Christine introduces concepts like 'giraffes and jackals' to illustrate compassion versus criticism. She also discusses practical applications like making clear requests and validating feelings, equipping listeners with tools to enhance communication and emotional intelligence in family dynamics.

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INSIGHT

Needs Versus Strategies

Needs are universal human values; strategies are the ways we try to meet those needs.
Focus on needs before jumping to solutions so strategies arise that honor everyone.

ADVICE

Ask Specific Doable Requests

Make requests clear, doable, and framed as what you do want rather than what you don't want.
Accept that a true request allows a legitimate "no" and avoids coercion or demands.

ADVICE

Name Frustration And Request Support

When a chore builds frustration, state your feeling and explicitly request a conversation about sharing responsibility.
Ask directly for help in specific moments instead of letting resentment accumulate into demands.

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Today’s episode pulls together a lot of threads from previous shows, and will also give you some really concrete new tools using what’s called Nonviolent Communication to support you in your parenting. It’s not like these are concepts that we’ve never discussed before, but sometimes hearing them in a different framework can be the key to making them ‘click’ for you. Our guest Christine King has been teaching these techniques to college students, teachers, and parents for over 17 years. And I’m releasing this particular interview today because these tools are ones we’re learning how to use in the free online workshop. In the workshop we’re going to spend a couple of weeks learning why our children trigger us so much and how to stop being triggered, and how we can move beyond the power struggles we get caught up in with our children so we can have the kind of relationship with them where their true needs as people are respected and met – and so are ours.

Parenting Membership

If parenting feels really hard, and it seems like you’ve read all the books and you’ve asked for advice in free communities and you’re tired of having to weed through all the stuff that isn’t aligned with your values to get to the few good nuggets, then the Parenting Membership will help you out. The Parenting Membership is now open for immediate enrollment. Sign up now! Things we discussed in the show: We now have feelings and needs lists available to support you in using the tools described in this episode!

Click here to access the list of feelings

Click here to access the list of needs

Christine’s game for kids can be found here Videos of Christine’s giraffe and jackal puppet shows are here Inbal Kashtan’s book Parenting From Your Heart The No-Fault Zone game Marshall Rosenberg’s book Nonviolent Communication: A Language of Life

References: Baesler, E.J., & Lauricella, S. (2014). Teach peace: Assessing instruction of the nonviolent communication and peace course. Journal of Peace Education 11(1), 46-63.

Juncadella, C.M. (October 2013). What is the impact of the application of the Nonviolent Communication model on the development of empathy? Overview of research and outcomes. Unpublished Master’s Thesis. University of Sheffield. Retrieved from http://www.cnvc.org/sites/default/files/NVC_Research_Files/Carme_Mampel_Juncadella.pdf

Kashtan, I. (2005). Parenting from your heart: Sharing the gifts of compassion, connection, and choice. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Marlow, E., Nyamathi, A., Grajeda, W.T., Bailey, N., Weber, A., & Younger, J. (2012). Nonviolent communication training and empathy in male parolees. Journal of Correctional health Care 18(1), 8-19.

Rose, M.B. (2003). The heart of parenting: Nonviolent Communication in action. PuddleDancer Press. Retrieved from https://www.nonviolentcommunication.com/pdf_files/parenting_communication_mrose.pdf

Rosenberg, M.B. (2005). Raising children compassionately: Parenting the Nonviolent Communication way. Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Rosenberg, M.B. (2015). Nonviolent Communication (3rd Ed). Encinitas, CA: PuddleDancer Press.

Suarez, A., Lee, D.Y., Rowe, C., Gomez, A.A., Murowchick, E., & Linn, P.L. (2014). Freedom project: Nonviolent communication and mindfulness training in prison. SAGE open January-March 2014, 1-10.