'I want magic' Listener question

I listened to your podcast and read your book and of course you scare the hell out of me. Thank you for that.

I will try to put my question into words, English is not my first language and I am also not familiar with the words you use. However I try to ask a question about how we create our world.

I used to date a lot. After being in a very long relationship I threw myself out there. It was awesome, exciting and devastating. For one and a half years I experienced a range of emotions in a seemingly meaningful, certainly hurtful way. I was like on autopilot, repetitive behavior, the same story over and over again. My mind created heartbreak and drama for 18 Months. The protagonists changed continuously, so it wasn’t about any of them. Then it stopped.

Now I see what it was there for. How it helped me to understand what my mind is capable of. All the drama that makes me feel so free and alive is quite the opposite. But kind of amazing to. 

When I was fully in it, the (Tinder-)Algorithm presented guys on a regular basis. Handsome, smart, funny. To that time I felt like all those amazing men came into my life. Now it feels like I fabricated the entire thing. It appears to have come directly from my imagination. Like I was thinking of a lack of tenderness and there comes heartbroken a guy, talking about how sensitive and tender he is. I felt like I needed security, the came along a crav maga instructor. I sensed a feeling of lack or need and it was fulfilled for a second until it wasn’t. Like my sense of what I need was precisely attacked.

The cycle was like this: Sense of lack- search - match - wonderful feelings – disappointment - Sense of lack- search - match - wonderful feelings – disappointment 

Like gradual deconstruction. That was the word what came to mind over and over again, deconstruction. And the more I see that, the less I can reconstruct the old building. As if I not able to produce that. I cant make it up. Its empty

I recently realized how I have this kind of magical thinking a lot... It is clear what kind of dream theater happened there. In this case, the appearance or absence of men is probably just a psychological process

But then my mind turns it around  like: So when I get the “right” attitude then I can change the outside world. There is this one side which is so clearly made up. And then there is the other where it is so clear that whatever I think or say will not change what is about to happen. Can you see what is confusing me? How can there be such a clear manifestation of the felt sense of lack AND at the same time it feels so cocky to think I can control the outside world by doing/feeling/seeing something the “right” way.

It isn’t easy to put this into words. I hope this makes any sense to you at all. I guess, I am looking for magic.